It’s all different , but it’s all good…

Dear teens ,

I’m sure you can recall the days where the end of the school year signified greatness. The summer stretched out in front of us as though it was going to last forever and I was happy to have my little people all to myself without school getting the best part of you leaving me with a couple of hours of grumpy ,tired kids before bed.

Every day of the holidays would begin the same. Ridiculously early (J I am looking at you !) The sentence that would strike fear into my heart would be asked before your first mouthful of cereal had hit your lips.

“What are we doing today?”

Because it’s the summer holidays right? Mums job to provide quality entertainment and fun for 6 weeks. Every. Single. Day.

I tried to too!!! I mean some of those days were brilliant. Works of mum genius . Some were not so much , there’s only so many times you can spin feeding the ducks rivalling Euro disney for the fun factor.

Things are different now.

You all have your own lives , your own plans .

Your “what are we doing today ?” has become my “when are you home?” said daily , in a needy fashion.

Making plans to do anything at all means diary syncing to the nth degree. NONE of you want to feed the ducks.

This is all ok though. I’m not going to mourn summers past . I’ve spoken before about how parenting has a cruel twist that the end game , the thing we have to strive for is that we will bring up independent , self assured humans. That we plough years into parenting with the end goal being that you’ll no longer need us. That you’ll be off ,as you will this summer , working and socialising and living your lives . You do it well. All of you do and I’m so ridiculously proud of you.

Be cool if you could check in with your little sister and I though from time to time . Watch a movie ? Jump on the train to Buxton? Swim or bowl or picnic? That’d be extra special because once you had to hang out with me in the summer holidays , you had no choice. Now you definitely do so if you choose to spend some of your precious (hopefully long and sunny )summer with me , well then actually I’d be honoured.

Ps speaking of your sister …just take a min to feel sorry for her . Back in t’day there were 3 of you to.share my crazy daft treasure hunts or random (often rubbish ) days out to weird stuff. She’s on her own here getting the full force of the mum summer.

Poor girl.

Have the best summer yet guys. I’ll be ready with snacks and scavenger hunts whenever you need me ….ok ok just the snacks then!!!

Mission Mindfulness
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Blogcrush week 75 – July 20th 2018

It’s Friday again!!!!

Oh am I ready for it this week. The kids have that end of term tiredness/grumpy thing going on (I probably do too if I’m honest) So everyone here is just irritable and bickery.

Sigh….however FRIDAY IS HERE! I am going out tonight and even more excitingly …It’s Blogcrush time!!!

Blogcrush has been one of my absolute favourite linkys from the off.

The kindest linky in town ,sharing all the lovely blog love.

Here you get to not only share your post but a fave you’ve read recently too!!

About BlogCrush

This linky will take blog post submissions from 6am (BST) Friday until 9pm Sunday. At that time, some thumbnail pictures will appear at the bottom of the post and each one will be a link to a different blog post.

– If you’re a blogger, add 2 posts (1 of yours AND 1 by someone else) by clicking the blue “add your link” button

– If you’re here just because you’re my friends and family and are supportive of my blog , well wait up ,stick around and have a browse. We have some very talented bloggers here.

Hosting this week is

Lucy At Home @lucy_at_home

and me!!!Daydreams of a Mum @daydreamer_mum

If you’ve ever come across an amazing post you want to shout from the rooftops about , this is the linky for you!!

If you’re here because someone has nominated you -huge congratulations !!

Feel free to pick up our pretty badge!!

#BlogCrush

The Rules

  • Join in with 2 posts:
    • 1 post from your blog (personal) – no linkies please
    • 1 post from someone else’s blog (your #BlogCrush)
  • When you add your BlogCrush (post written by someone else) to the InLinkz form, put “BC” at the beginning of their title
  • Tweet your BlogCrush (& us) to let them know you’ve added them to the linky and share their link (@lucy_at_home and @daydreamer_mum) Please tweet us your own BlogCrush posts too so we can share them for you.
  • Comment using the #BlogCrush hashtag on at least these 4 posts:
    • 1 post from Host 1 (personal or BC)
    • 1 post from Host 2 (personal or BC)
    • 2x personal posts from the rest of the link up

So that’s a minimum of 4 posts.

Don’t forget to add our brilliant badge…

Lucy At Home Blogcrush Week 68

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This week Lucy has chosen first born child moments in time from Old House in The Shires

My favourite this week was selling the idea of group living by Mother almost never knows best. I love the idea of communal living but as she touches on in the post you would have to be very, very selective!!

Host Post

This week I’m linking up a post about Emotional abuse and the journey you have to go on to rebuild afterwards Then I became me…

Have a great week everyone can’t wait to read your posts

Kelly xxx

Then I became me…

Emotional abuse is such a complex thing.

Life after emotional abuse , even more complex.

Many of us aren’t even aware we’ve been emotionally abused.

So how do you rebuild? The physical abuse , the sexual abuse well you just have to let literal wounds heal. You have to come to terms with the fact you’re a little changed. You’ll forever be a little more cautious. You know for sure it happened though. You felt physical pain.

Emotional abuse though? Well how can you recover from something you don’t even know you’ve been a victim of? Well if you’re even questioning it I would thoroughly recommend doing the Freedom Programme. I know I talk about it a lot but doing it saved me from total self destruction. I dealt with the impact of the abusive relationship , but more than that I have been able to identify emotional abuse in subsequent relationships . I don’t even mean romantic involvements but just even friendships or any situations where I have to deal with other people. I am confident that now I can pick out a twat in a crowd. They think they’re ridiculously clever but they are so similar they give themselves away very easily.

So rebuilding after abuse I found incredibly difficult. I expected once I left I could snap back into being the girl I was before him. It was naïve, but I believed I’d only be truly recovered when I was back to pre -him me. In hindsight pre-him me I was a teenager, I still had a mum, I wasn’t a mum myself. You can’t just flip back into that . So I learnt that I had to rebuild but as a new version of me. A better version of me. Ultimate Kelly if you will.

Emotional abuse is like a giant game of jenga (I’m so sorry you know me and my analogies)

The jenga tower is set up. On each brick is a character trait that makes you you. Some are little things. Maybe that you love lipstick or that you have a favourite movie. Some are huge : That you are opinionated , independent , intelligent .

At the start of the game he takes the little bricks . Tells you you don’t need to wear lipstick you’re already pretty or that that favourite movie of yours is a bit silly . Aren’t you better than that? He thought you were cleverer than that? He takes them gently and the tower doesn’t topple because these are easy bricks .

Once the easy bricks are gone things get a little more complicated . he has to go for trickier ones . He doesn’t want the tower toppling just yet , not too early he’ll give himself away. You see that brick with your best friend’s name on though? Yeah he needs rid of that and its going to be tricky because it’s one that’s helping hold the tower in place. You’ve played jenga though haven’t you? You know the key to removing the tricky bricks is confidence. Just in and taking it , you falter you’ll lose. He mentions he overheard your best friend talking about you , laughing at you , she’s only friends with you because she feels sorry for you . Just like that the brick is taken . The tower looks more vulnerable now . It could fall at any minute.

He’s not going to lose the game though , no way . Not after he’s put so much effort and time into it.

There’s one block holding things together. Keeping the tower upright that everything is resting on. It has self -belief written on. It’s the belief that you know you are strong and that you are loved and that you are worth so much more than him. He can’t let that stay. He can’t take it though either , people will realise what he is doing. So he talks you into taking that block yourself. Tells you you’re ill , you need help. You are paranoid and delusional and you need him to take care of you. With shaking hand you pull that block yourself and hand it to him.

The tower topples.

What was once a combination of all the things that make you you is now just a heap of bricks on the floor .

The bricks stay like this for a while . You accept your lot. You’re broken , defeated and there’s nothing you can do.

Then. One day. Maybe the day after you throw him out of the game for good , maybe it takes weeks or months or even years you begin to rebuild. All on your own. All the original bricks are back , stacked and stable . The tower looks strong , but you’re aware that it would only take a few lost bricks to make you vulnerable again. So you add more bricks to strengthen the structure , to make it so strong and stable it’s almost indestructible. Bricks you didn’t even have access to originally.

You add a strong support network , you add therapy and counselling and knowledge. That Freedom Programme brick makes your tower a super structure. The self worth brick , the confidence brick , the trusting yourself brick they are all pretty hefty ones too.

You see I’ll never be the pre-him me ever again.

To become the post-me him I had to take on board more character traits that I’d never needed before . I had to become brave and self secure and independent. I had to become resilient and tough and focussed.

All the bits that had previously made me me had been demolished . I had to round them all back up again , then I had to find a few more for back up.

Then I became me .

My Facebook page is here

Mission Mindfulness

Let’s take back ‘nice’

I am enjoying being part of a world where Gareth Southgate is cool.
It’s not that I have some kind of waistcoat fetish , but I just want to live in a world where nice is celebrated . Where quiet , calm and understated is appreciated.
I have always been uncomfortable with nice. It’s a description that has been used about me a lot right from being young. It’s often been in quite a negative way though.
The word nice was banned as a descriptive word in English classes at school so sorry Mr Brown but I’m about to write a whole blog post on it
In Primary school I always had to sit next to the troubled boys , the ones who wanted to kick the living shit out of folk rather than sit and do their work. They’d not cause trouble next to me , I’d be nice to them. So I had to attempt to do my learning besides the chaos that was reigning supreme beside me and barely be able to concentrate. That was where nice got you.
In later years I was always the one tasked with looking after people . New people at school , new people at work. As I was nice , I’d look after them . Which of course I did but that extra responsibility that I’d never asked for and was never asked if it were ok. It’d just be presumed because Kelly is nice she’ll do it.
I realise now that nice is often a synonym for doormat.
Nice has been used to mean –
She won’t say no
She’ll not kick up a fuss if you treat her badly
She’ll do way more than is expected of anyone else what with her being so nice
She’ll put up with guys treating her terribly so as not to hurt their feelings
She’ll forgive way too often and way too easily
She’ll back down in a confrontation so it’s fine to bully her a little bit
She’ll keep quiet about awful things you do
She’ll keep quiet about most things actually.
Us ‘nice ‘ folk need to take back the word. We all need to actually. Let’s revolutionise nice.
Let’s use nice to mean considerate and compassionate , kind and empathetic , tolerant and patient.
Not doormat but just decent human.
We can all do that.
A while ago I decided not to be around ,if it was at all possible, people who didn’t make me feel good. It has done me the world of good. So let’s add that . Nice doesn’t have to mean you put up with other peoples toxic crap because as well as being kind and compassionate towards other people we have to do the same to ourselves!
Brash and loud has been at the forefront for a long while you only have to watch any reality tv show to see that. Shouty , sweary “look at me ,I’m so wild” has become something to replicate. All well and good but are any of our lives going to be enriched by being more shouty , sweary , brash?? Well quite possibly but I’m not going to give it a go.
Surely aiming to be a little more quietly tolerant and compassionate might enrich you though. I’m definitely going to try harder.
If nice is coming back into fashion (thanks Gareth) let’s do it on out terms!!!

MusingsOfATiredMummy
Musings Of A Tired Mummy
Mission Mindfulness

BlogCrush Week 74 – 13th July 2018

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!

I’m so excited and delighted to tell you I’m here to help host blog crush for a while!!

Blogcrush has been one of my absolute favourite linkys from the off.

The kindest linky in town ,sharing all the lovely blog love.

Here you get to not only share your post but a fave you’ve read recently too!!

About BlogCrush

This linky will take blog post submissions from 6am (BST) Friday until 9pm Sunday. At that time, some thumbnail pictures will appear at the bottom of the post and each one will be a link to a different blog post.

– If you’re a blogger, add 2 posts (1 of yours AND 1 by someone else) by clicking the blue “add your link” button

– If you’re here just because you’re my friends and family and are supportive of my blog , well wait up ,stick around and have a browse. We have some very talented bloggers here.

Hosting this week is

Lucy At Home @lucy_at_home

and me!!!Daydreams of a Mum @daydreamer_mum

If you’ve ever come across an amazing post you want to shout from the rooftops about , this is the linky for you!!

If you’re here because someone has nominated you -huge congratulations !!

Feel free to pick up our pretty badge!!

#BlogCrush

The Rules

  • Join in with 2 posts:
    • 1 post from your blog (personal) – no linkies please
    • 1 post from someone else’s blog (your #BlogCrush)
  • When you add your BlogCrush (post written by someone else) to the InLinkz form, put “BC” at the beginning of their title
  • Tweet your BlogCrush (& us) to let them know you’ve added them to the linky and share their link (@lucy_at_home and @daydreamer_mum) Please tweet us your own BlogCrush posts too so we can share them for you.
  • Comment using the #BlogCrush hashtag on at least these 4 posts:
    • 1 post from Host 1 (personal or BC)
    • 1 post from Host 2 (personal or BC)
    • 2x personal posts from the rest of the link up

So that’s a minimum of 4 posts.

            • Add the #BlogCrush badge to the post that you’re linking up from your own blog. You can do this by copying the code in the box below and pasting it into the HTML view of your post.

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Each week the hosts pick our favourites to be featured posts!

Lucy At Home Blogcrush Week 68

 

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Have a great week everyone can’t wait to read your posts

Kelly xxx

To my amazing niece , 13 things as you turn 13

Dear C ,

Auntie Kelly is probably THE wisest person you know. Everyone knows that. Ok ….so sometimes I put odd shoes on or wear a dress inside out .

Ok , ok , I am certainly not the wisest person you know . Definitely not. Probably wouldn’t make the top 100 BUT I do know a thing or two (probably just the 2) about being a teenager and a woman. So can I just go ahead and give unasked for advice??That ok?? Good.

So here we have 13 pieces of advice as you turn 13.

1) No matter what your siblings say ,you weren’t adopted .

Trust me . I saw you being born.

It was such a lovely thing to share with you all and sorry I turned green and refused when asked if I wanted to cut the cord. I’d seen things that day and actually I’m pretty sure you owe me for a bit of therapy.

B saying you’re not one of the family. Your mum and uncle Paul have told me this soooo often it’s only that you’re so like me I feel I am part of that family!! Siblings are sooooo annoying.BUT…

2)One day your siblings may be your best friends

Your mum and I haven’t always gotten along. To tell you the truth she was a bit of a pain in the neck (don’t tell her I said that she’ll wedgie me !)

One day though it all just clicked and you know that these days your mum is my fave adult on the entire planet!!

SO heed no.3…

3) Your mum may annoy you but she’s your biggest fan.

There may be times your mum drives you absolutely nuts . Know this though , she has your back , always . Noone will ever defend or protect you like she will and she loves you so fiercely that really if you have her on your side no one else is needed.

However….

4) You are incredibly lucky to have so many fabulous female role models

C . You are soooo lucky to be surrounded by so many strong women. Your gran , your other aunties , your mum. Use them to the fullest. If ever you have a problem you have so many people you can go to. So don’t ever sit and worry about anything in silence. We’ve all probably got our uses , so use us !! If it’s matters of the heart though I do have to confess I’m definitely not the expert there. Mum or aunties probably do a better job of that than me . I’m great on books or politics or Russian history though????

5) Please don’t be too eager to fit in

You’ve probably noticed we like being a little bit different in this family!!! I mean just look around at who you live with!!!

It’s so tempting to try and fit in. Sometimes it’ll probably work for you . We’ve all altered ourselves in one way or another to fit to the mould someone wants us to take. If ever it feels wrong though , if ever you get the bad feeling in your gut then stick with you . Do what you know is important to you and your morals.

6) Embrace the red

Call it Auburn , call it strawberry blonde ,call it ginger . Our hair rocks !!!

7) Accept that you’re just a bit like me

We struggle with getting our clothes on the right way around. We daydream a bit . You know what though we’re awesome . Some may say our head in the clouds personality is utterly frustrating but I prefer to think we’re actually just deep thinkers and the world could do with a few more of them.

8) Beware the birthday

Your mum and I go on about how odd , weird things always happen on your birthday. Unfortunately we’re kind of old these days and have forgotten many of them.

One we can’t forget though was the floods !! Hull actually flooded ,it was scary and devastating for so many people in Hull that day .

Disappointingly for you though it meant noone could get to you to bring you birthday presents!!

9) Beware social media

I’m as guilty of this as anyone but always know when people’s lives and people themselves look perfect it’s not real life. Social media allows us to filter our whole entire life but don’t let it make you ever feel inadequate because it’s simply not real.

10) Do lots of what you love

If you ask your mum she’ll tell you how I spend half my life at the theatre on my own being a bit sad. The thing is though C I really really love spending time at the theatre alone and the thought of not doing what makes me happy just because other people mind think it strange makes no sense to me. If you find something you love doing , do lots of it . Make yourself as happy as is possible!!

11) Don’t waste too much time on boys who don’t deserve you

As I said previously , I’m no love expert. There are others way better qualified here , so all I’ll say is this. You are an amazing , strong willed , moral , beautiful girl. Try to spend time only with people who make you feel that way.

12) Form your own opinions

Again social media can be a hindrance here as it’s easy to read something and just take it as the truth. If you have strong opinions (and given you’re part of our family I’m pretty sure you will) on anything then do your research. You have the whole of the internet at your fingertips you can find out anything. Research your stuff , find the facts . Know that you can have a debate with someone who holds different views to you but you don’t HAVE to change their mind and you don’t have to change yours. Sometimes it’s great just to listen to someone elses views , sometimes you can learn things that way.

13) Auntie Kelly is super lucky

Fancy getting the best niece in all of the world?? How lucky does that make me ? I also got a couple of awesome nephews too , but I only have the one niece and I was there when you were born and we are pretty similar ( even if ggggrrr you are just like your Auntie Kelly is rarely said as a compliment!!) so we have a special bond I think. I can say you are the best niece ever and not offend anyone. I can’t say that about the boys.

So there are my words of wisdom.

I hope you can find even just a couple of them.useful.

Have the best birthday yet , I love you lots

Auntie Kelly xxx

Tammymum

Dating after abuse – a word of advice

As I always and will always say ,I can only tell my story of recovery after domestic abuse . I can only give my opinion and talk about what helps me . Every woman is different but I think if writing this blog has taught me nothing else it’s that we do share similar thoughts and worries.

Dating someone who has been through domestic abuse is not for the faint hearted . Whether the abuse be emotional or physical or both scars will be left. It likely won’t be an easy journey but it’ll be worth it . I thought maybe I could help a little with some hints and advice on how to date a woman who has previously been abused.

1) Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t believe your word

She shrugs off compliments and disagrees with kind words you say about her ?

The thing is she’s been told for a very long time that no one else would ever want her. That she is ugly , that she is fat and stupid and pathetic. She’s likely been told this daily , incessantly.

You tell her that she’s beautiful and wonderful company and funny and you mean it but the thing is HE told her all those things once. At the beginning love bombing her with charming words and grand gestures and then he took it all back and it destroyed her and she doesn’t want to give anyone the power to do that again. So she’ll take your compliments with a pinch of salt . Don’t let that deter you though. Keep the compliments coming . Of all the important things when it comes to dating someone who has been abused consistency is key.

2) Respect Boundaries

For me personally this is massive.

Even if it’s a tiny , seemingly daft ,thing like not turning up at her house unannounced or not wanting to sleep over at yours. Whatever boundaries she has she has put there for her own safe keeping . She needs to see that you care enough to understand. Walls are built ,high and sturdy but when she sees you do respect them and that you don’t push her to do more than she is capable of she’ll lower those walls and let you in .

3) Patience really is a virtue

Current crush waited 2 years for a first date. This is extreme – that’s me all over but he did it . The thing is I needed him to prove he was consistent. Consistently kind , and patient .Consistent with his words and backed up by his actions.

I’m not suggesting anyone should have to run the kind of gauntlet that is dating me but for me I need slow . I need slower than snails pace . I need gentle teeny tiny babysteps ahead of big stomping giant strides. This does indeed take a patient person.

You have to be patient in other areas too. Sex might be a problem. It might be a huge trigger for trauma . Emotional intimacy may take time .

Patience is necessary because it’s not just you she has to learn to trust but her own judge of character.

4) There’ll be wobbles and steps backwards.

If you’re going to get involved with a woman after abuse you need to be in for the long haul really and not easily scared away . We are strong , brave , powerful women but that little crack in our spirit ,that has the potential to rip us apart at any given moment.

Triggers we might not even know ourselves have the potential to shake us . A certain phrase you may say , a certain place you may visit might provoke an unusual reaction but given space she’ll likely explain herself because she wants you to know that she’s really quite fond of you and this is not about the two of you but just her battling old demons .

Just be there to hold her hand and stand with her.

I don’t want this to be a negative post .

Yes there are obstacles to overcome ,but I think they’re probably worth it.

I’m a resilient , independent woman and I absolutely do not need a man to validate my existence or to protect me and certainly not to save me . So if I’m really keen to spend time with you it’s because I really want to not because I just need someone.

I think there are a fair few of us out there !!! Hidden gems who sparkle in the right company! There’s certainly no negatives in that!!!

Lucy At Home UK parenting blogger

That time again…

It’s around about the anniversary of when I left the abusive relationship.

Usually I use this date to reflect on all the massive obstacles we’ve overcome. How far we’ve travelled as a family and me personally.

This year though , for some reason I was stuck in what I hadn’t done . I’d not gone back to university , I’d not found the perfect home , I’m not settled in a love of my life relationship , I’ve not done any of the things that the me trapped in that misery had promised herself she would do.

I know why. Absolutely. The me trapped in an abusive relationship ,almost laughably, was a bit naive . She thought when she left and shut the door behind her it would all be over . Done.

She didn’t realise how hard freedom might be . How tiring battling with your own brain ,programmed by someone else would be . How exhausting feeling you have to prove your truth to the world would be. How determined and pig headed and brave I’d have to be just to get to the point where I was healed enough to have that brain reprogrammed to think as me , not the me he told me to be .

So yes I’ve been a bit hard on myself.

So I’m going to be a bit self indulgent if that’s ok and just think of what I have achieved since leaving all those , so many years ago now .

I’ve raised good people

My 2 sons have now both left school. In the dark days when they were little and we were stuck inside I taught them to read before they started school. I was criticised of course for “boot camping” them but they bloody loved it . They’re both intelligent lads ,but more than that they are good people. Obviously mum bias comes into play here , but other people compliment their manners and how they behave towards other people . I personally – mum bias in full throttle find them great company , witty and fun.

I had to have played my part in that.

I’ve kept on keeping on.

It’s hard ,life after abuse. You pick up so many habits that are seemingly impossible to break. You are questioned and you are tested and goodness me you come so scarily close to giving up (If you are currently in an abusive relationship please don’t let the fact it’s hard afterward put you off leaving. Shit , nothing is ever going to be as hard as what you’re living now – it’s hard but so worth the work and you’re a warrior I know you can come out the other side)

You do come close to giving up. For one reason or another that thought crosses your mind. Then you realise that freedom is worth it and you put your head down and you fight another day , and as days go by the days become less of a fight and more of a life.

I’ve helped other women

I think I have , I hope I have .

I get messages from women who have read this blog and that goes right back to when it was an anonymous little blog that barely anyone looked at. The one by far and away the most common is women saying that I’ve helped them realise it’s not just them. Abuse is isolating. It’s often still after leaving shrouded in shame. Women identifying with my ramblings and it helping them feel less isolated and alone well that’s just the best use of my time.

They’re the big things but there are little things too:

We have disco and karaoke nights at home and we can be as loud as we like.

We have celebrated the kids birthdays absolutely without repercussions from a jealous man upset the attention isn’t on them.

I’ve slept in a bed with a man and I never thought that could happen.

I have close friendships and have lowered my personal barriers .

I wear what I like , sounds silly but you can’t imagine how huge that is.

I write this blog.

I can nap.

I can read.

I can go to the cinema or theatre or out for dinner whenever I like.

I can go to sleep when I want.

I can be affectionate and hug and hold hands with a man.

I can sing round the house .

I can watch the trashiest TV shows imaginable .

Though I can also watch Question Time without getting shit for thinking I’m clever when I’m a “thick, stupid bitch” ……bloody hell watching QT is no sign of intelligence…

I can make small talk with strangers .

I can holiday alone…oh and compared with ‘holidaying’ with him it’s absolute paradise !!!

We have taken back Christmas!!!

I have learnt how easy it is to fall back into toxic relationships.

Also though I’ve learned how to cut out toxic people , be that friends or family or anyone who doesn’t make a positive impact in my life.

I don’t think I’m fat.

I don’t think I’m ugly.

I don’t think I’m stupid.

I embrace my flaws , I’d not be me if I weren’t a bit dozy and absent minded.

I can express my opinion.

So that’s actually a pretty big list and I’m sure there are many more . Freedom can be a tough journey ,but after surviving what you have tough isn’t so scary .

Many years ago. A Doc Martin boot in the face was a final straw . It wasn’t an unusual act. It wasn’t rare . My reaction was though. For that I am just so grateful and relieved and yes the journey was (and some days still can be ) tough. So bloody worth it though!!!

I’m going to celebrate with a solo date to the theatre ,dressed how I like whilst making small talk to strangers !!

Well done me

Mission Mindfulness

Tale of Mummyhood
Cup of Toast

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Lucy At Home UK parenting blogger



Being a single mum on Father’s Day

This may be a bit of a whiney post I’m afraid,but I am certain I am not the only person to feel this way so it may resonate.

When you don’t have a dad of your own , Father’s Day is always going to leave a bit of a bad taste in the mouth anyway . It’s been a long time and I’m not going to be weeping in a corner but it is an in your face reminder of what I don’t have .

The tricky bit I find though , as a single mum is the kids are all away this weekend spending time with their fathers. I’m not going to put a spanner in the works there and the kids being away is nothing new . The elder 3 go to their grandparents regularly and small girl’s dad and I have shared residence so she has always split her time between the pair of us . It’s her , and our normal.

This weekend though they’re all away and it’s just me home alone.

A few years ago an empty house used to really get to me . I’d get all upset and whingy and miss them but just sit in pining and moaning and comfort eating. One day I decided this was ridiculous and I was wasting the child free time I longed for when there are 4 kids all needing me at once here! Since then I’ve started filling my child free time with nice things . Cinema , theatre , dinner just something to distract me and that I’ll enjoy whilst they’re not here.

So I’m over that horrid feeling that some of you will be all too familiar with where your house doesn’t feel right because there are no people in it . Or I am most of the time. I’m actually already sulking about a weekend home alone and it’s not even here yet!!

If I look inwardly a bit it doesn’t take much to pin point what I’m in a grump about. Small girl is very lucky and has a daddy who is very hands on who she absolutely adores and who love her back just as much. I hope she has a great weekend with him.

Elder 3 though , well I’m a bit resentful. I’m resentful at a celebration of fatherhood that I don’t think he deserves . That’s where this all doesn’t sit right with me . I’m happy for the kids that they get to have a dad they can visit for Father’s Day as this hasn’t always been the case but I guess I’m also just a bit wobbly and uneasy about it.

Let’s not make this post a total downer though.

I’m sure some of you are in similar positions with the kids at their fathers or that you’re home alone so let’s turn this around and think of nice ways I/we could spend the weekend.

Take yourself on one of my much hyped solo dates !! Go see a movie you want to see , go eat a Sunday roast in a nice restaurant whatever you fancy.

Go for a walk , fresh air is always good for the head I think , nice long walk alone with your thoughts can soothe the soul a little. If you tire yourself out you can come home and nap! Treat yourself.

Make yourself a little sofa picnic , get under a blanket and Netflix the day away.

I think I’m going to do the last option. I haven’t seen The Good Place yet so I might try that….unless you guys have any recommendations for me . Something I can binge on all weekend???

It’s just one weekend, this house will be full of chaos and noise soon enough as it should be .

Have a good weekend everyone and for those homes with a super daddy in …don’t forget the breakfast in bed *

Xxx

*Disclaimer : Don’t mean to be passive aggressive but if you didn’t get breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day , feel no obligation for the breakfast in bed thing!!!

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Mission Mindfulness

Tell me a story….

To me , one of the most attractive qualities another person can have is the ability to tell a good story. It’s a skill that not everyone possesses , but it draws me to a person.

I’m an avid reader. I fell in love with books at a very young age . Getting my first library card at about 3 or 4 is a really vivid memory . Progressing from picture books and moving onto books with a real story I discovered Enid Blyton . Whether it was the famous 5 (though I did used to sometimes get a bit scared of the smuggler types and not read in bed) or The Wishing Chair or the Faraway Tree these fabulous stories leapt out at me from the page . I put in many requests to go to boarding school on the back of Malory Towers . I got swept up in the magic of a story and have been seeking them out ever since.

Now as I grown up I get so much satisfaction from a good book.

Feeling down ? Cheer myself up with a book!

Feeling anxious? Calm down with a book!

Feeling happy ? Yay celebrate with a book

You get where I’m going here? To have that skill , to be able to create characters , made up characters, that strangers will take to their hearts must be an amazing thing. To be able to ,via the written word, make people feel. To laugh or cry or empathise is like magic. I’m very very grateful to all the talented writers who gift is with these stories.

So yes stories are my vice . I seek them out at any opportunity . Books are a portal.Authors as storyteller’s are magicians .

People though , who you can sit with and verbally tell you a story. They are golden. You know when you’re just chatting away to a person and they start to tell you about something that happened when they were young or dates they’ve been on or school stories and they just enthrall you. They are my people. The ones who’ll say “oh sorry am I going on ?Am I talking about myself too much” no no you are not ,I love listening to your stories.

Round friends and family and potential beaus I think it’s part of my all or nothing personality. I don’t have many people. I don’t have loads and loads of friends . I haven’t dated much in all the years I was single . I just have a pretty small inner circle . I don’t love often but when I do I love hard. I want your stories because they help me know you . I probably come across kind of bunny boilery at times because I do ask a lot of questions , but yeah in all honesty if you’re close to me I’m going to need to see your actual soul I’m sorry!!!

I luckily have some great storyteller’s in my life .

My siblings tell hilarious stories. These are often tweaked to enhance comedy value I’m sure but they are very very funny people (don’t tell them I’d said that)

The kids obviously abundant with stories , they might not always be talking about anything you have any interested in but they do it with such enthusiasm you find yourself drawn in .

You may remember ‘tells a good story ‘ made The Boyfriend List …my current crush definitely ticks this box !(and most of the others as it goes but I’ll not start with the slushing!)

The girls night in is always a great place for the story swap too . Story swapping I think is definitely a female bonding thing.

The thing is , everyone has fascinating stories to tell . Everyone. We’ve all had the conversations with pensioners on the bus , with the work colleague , with the person sat in the Doctor’s waiting room. Complete strangers can blow your mind with their life anecdotes. Those you are really close to can surprise you with a little nugget that you didn’t know about them. I guess that’s why I love blogging so much too. Yes I can tell my story (I’m not great at the verbal anecdote ,I get too flustered) but more importantly I get to read other people’s stories,get a glimpse into other people’s lives . Maybe I’m just nosy?!!

I read a book not long back. The Break by the amazingly beautiful and talented Marian Keyes and in it she mentions a woman going to a reading club where you go get all snuggled with cushions and blankets and someone reads out loud to you. This to me sounds heavenly . I think I need to start this group. I absolutely love being read to I find it the most calming relaxing thing ever .

Storytellers of the world I adore you , keep telling your tales they make the world go round.
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3 Little Buttons

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