A love letter to mum bloggers…

 

Dear Mummy Bloggers ,

 

After the vileness of THAT ridiculous article by Anna May Mangan about how we are bringing the country to its knees with our gin soaked potato waffles ( oo wonder if that could work!) in that horrific newspaper that the devil would be proud of I felt compelled to tell you all how much I bloody love you.

 

 

As a mum blogger I love my little blog. I like having a little corner of the internet that’s mine. I’m proud of my blog too. Blogging makes me brave enough to share my thoughts in public . I’m grateful to my blog for being part of a really helpful therapy in my recovery from abuse.

 

 

Do you know what I like more though?

 

Your blogs.

 

I love reading your blogs , I love sharing them , I love finding a brand new blog then bingeing ( that spike in your views where you panic someone is reading everything you’ve ever written …that’s probably me!)

 

 

My favourites being those of you who bite the bullet and write really honestly about the realities of motherhood. Strangely I take it as a given that you all love your kids to pieces , I take it that we all know how lucky we are to have created actual humans who get to share our lives with . I don’t assume unless I see #blessed on your social media you’re just not that fond of them!

Reading your blogs full of love and joy and happiness is uplifting . Finding an idea for a new day out by reading reviews on your blog is really helpful.

When you share with us though , quite often in a raw manner , that sometimes you struggle. When you comment on how bloody hard this parenting lark can be. That some days it all feels impossible. That’s so very important too.

 

 

Parenting can be isolating . It’s terrifying. It’s so much harder having to deal with the constant feeling of being judged whether that’s by the woman tutting in the supermarket , your mother in law , your ex partner or a bloody national newspaper.

 

 

For an ordinary mum having one of those impossible days. Maybe she’s not seen another adult in a week. Maybe she’s exhausted and desperate and feels like this mummy gig is just too tough for her. Maybe she feels like a failure and is too worried to reach out in case everyone else agrees she’s a useless mother.

Well your blogs help save their sanity.

Maybe this tired mum comes across your blogs on an impossible day. Reads that other mums out there have had impossible days , that it’s normal , that she is not the only one. That she is not in fact a failure but a member of a massive club. A club full of women who have impossible days sometimes fish fingers and gin and all. That can feel like the biggest relief , the weight of the world falling from your shoulders. It’s a comfort to know that sometimes impossible days are followed by magical days. It’s a comfort that there are women out there who you can identify with and communicate with and that it’s ok to find it tough.

 

 

You’re not just a sanity saver though mum bloggers. You’re entertainment.

 

There are some supremely talented writers out there.

 

Blogging is not merely a load of self indulgent mums having a moan. So many topics are covered in this umbrella of the ‘mum blog’ Inspirational , moving writing covering heavy topics. Racism , mental health ,divorce, politics , feminism , abuse , grief all covered in various of your blogs I’ve read and written well. These are not just fluffy headed women half drunk on their 11am gin indulgently bleating about how shit it is to be a mum despite what the Daily Mail think. I’m unsure the writer of this particular piece has ever really read much of your work.

 

 

You’re funny too , so funny!! Your witty , intelligent writing can cheer up a miserable grey day!

 

 

So sneer all you want Daily Mail. You hate women as it is , of course you’ll feel threatened by a group of them who don’t behave as you think they should. Who build women up, who stand in solidarity with one another. Female empowerment was never really going to be your thing though. We’ve seen your poking fun at unflattering bikini shots and your misogynist headlines. To be frank some of the pieces I’ve been unlucky enough to come across from your ‘newspaper’ are nothing short of a hate crime .

 

Well love wins over hate.

 

Mum bloggers I bloody love you!!!

 

Kelly xxx

 

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Shameless plug : If you like my nonsense and fancy nominating me in the #BiBs2017 you can do so just here http://www.britmums.com/nominate-for-the-bibs2017/

                   

Mummy Times Two

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Practical ways I tell my anxiety to keep away!

Anxiety sucks.

 

It can turn your average day into an overthought , catastrophizing nightmare.

 

I don’t have the cure I’m afraid .

 

I’ve read all the info , I know exercise , good nights sleep , healthy food and not drinking wine or overdosing on chocolate are what I’m meant to be doing to keep anxiety at bay. Not much fun though are they?

 

I can’t run when I’ve convinced myself I’m going to faint at any minute …and probably on the road…then I’ll get run over and killed… and then what will the kids do….Yes that’s my actual thought process during an anxious moment. Total pain in the arse.

 

I’ve never managed to stop that horrific pain through my stomach and my face going numb by eating kale.

 

How the hell am I meant to get a good nights sleep when I can barely breathe with the panic?

 

 

I know these tips are the sensible ones. Sometimes a run does blast away the panic , sometimes a long sleep stops the overthinking.

 

 

Over the years though  , I’ve gotten to grips with my anxiety to an extent. It’s personal to me and I know how to nip an episode in the bud quite often , I know how to calm myself . They may sound a bit odd but anxiety is a personal thing , there’s no one size fits all solution. Maybe some of mine may work for you . Here’s how I tell anxiety to just p**s off!!!

 

 

Phone calls to my sister.

If I’m feeling a bit wobbly , or I feel unsettled this is my go to activity. Chat , especially idle gossip and thoughtless chat is a distraction. Add to that my sisters familiar voice and calms me down.

I’m not suggesting you all ring my sister when you’re panicky , though as I always say if I could clone her I’d give you all a copy – she’s ace!!

Maybe if you have someone with whom you can partake in chit chat as a distraction though , a familiar voice , a calming influence though this could work for you .

 

Monday vlog indulgence

Could be a bit niche this one …stay with me.

Monday’s are always a pain in the bum aren’t they? A good start to a week though can do wonders for my head. I also love a vlog , I’m a blogger , I’m nosy why wouldn’t I?

Starting the week by watching Marian Keyes weekly vlog sets me up nicely for the week . She’s funny , she’s engaging, she’s pretty , she’s smiley ( I’m pretty sure the accent helps too) I am a big fan of her books and she’s a bit of a Twitter crush of mine if truth be told. Being told stories is another on the anxiety cheat sheet and well ,  Marian is as fab at telling stories verbally as she is writing them down. The vlogs start my Monday with a smile. In fact I recommend them (  link here : https://www.youtube.com/user/himselfkeyes) to all of you , even if you’re not quite as nutty as me!)

 

 

Joining in with small girl

My 8 year old does everything with zeal. There is no half hearted with her. On a wobbly day , taking a leaf out of her book and just joining in with her is as therapeutic as anything I know.

If it’s feeding the ducks we’re throwing the food as far as we can , if it’s drawing or colouring it takes every bit of focus we have. If it’s dancing it’s with every bit of our body.

It seems when I put my absolute all into any activity it’s really hard for my anxiety to take a grip on my mind.

 

 

Watching stand up

An obvious one really.

From the school of fake it ’till you make it!! If I’m laughing anxiety does not stand a chance.

 

 

Writing

Could be a blog post , could be a letter (yes I still write those – how quaint am I?)

More likely though it’s just a total mind dump into a notebook.

When I am anxious I overthink.

This never ends well for me , especially when it all just swirls around m mind like some kind of brain bothering hurricane. The reason I ever started this blog was because I’ve always found that writing down what bothers me helps . Having a million thoughts whizzing around this head each one causing another hundred in a anxious chain reaction means I’m not going to feel great. Picking up a pen , writing them down uncensored gets the thoughts out of the nutty mind and into a notebook where they become much less powerful. I can see how ridiculous they are written there in black in white.Then I can shut the notebook and walk away. It helps.

 

 

They’re little things , but sometimes little things help.

 

Do you have any little tricks that keep your anxiety in it’s place or that can calm you ?

 

I’d love to hear them.

xxx
 

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My Facebook blog page is here 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Going To The Blog On Mosi Conference Icebreaker….

​Hi everyone I’m Kelly. 

I blog at daydreams of a mum. 

I’m @daydreamer_mum on Twitter 

Blog on msi is my very first blogging conference. I’m still not sure I’ll dare actually go to be honest – images of being turfed out for not being a ‘proper’ blogger keep flitting through my mind! So this Icebreaker idea I thought was great!! 

Share a recent picture of you (if you are an anonymous blog, a drawing is fine)

Describe yourself in three words

Ridiculously absent minded

How long have you been blogging and what made you start?

4 years. I started as a therapeutic way to document my new life after domestic abuse. Only in the past year though have I been really trying at it as though people may actually read and joining in with the (brilliant) social side! 

What was the inspiration behind your blog name?

I’m legendary for my, they say dozy and gormless, I say daydreamy ways! Daydreams of a mum was born. 

(though I am also stuck with the Kelly and the kids name on wordpress as it looks a total faff to change.. .) 

What is the best thing to come from your blog so far?

Messages from other women who have been through abuse saying that reading my blog makes them realises it’s not just them who feel this way. 

Your most remembered thing from your childhood

Holidays at Butlins with my parents and sister 

Something interesting you might not know about me is . . .

I have a fish phobia-dead or alive they turn my stomach. I’ve never eaten fish in my life. 

Which social media platform best describes your personality and why?Probably Facebook as it combines my blog and writing about things that are really important to me AND bickering with my family! 

What is your happy song?

Flashdance!! 

What is your favourite alcoholic drink

Gin and tonic 

What is your favourite cake?

Aaargh not a huge cake fan! I know I know that’s weird, takes an exceptional one to get my attention 

What is your favourite takeaway dish?

Chicken jalfrezi , rice AND chips and aand chapatti. No I don’t know why my size 10 jeans no longer fit me either. 

Where is your dream holiday destination and why?

Private island in the sunshine! 

If you had a magical power, would you want to have and why?

Teleporting – because EVERY day on the  school run, small girl laments my lack of one and therefore making her legs ache! 

What one weapon would help you survive a zombie apocalypse?

Oh I’d be easy prey, I’m a huge coward! 

What would you have on your gravestone?

She was a bit daft but she did try to be nice

You make headline news around the world in 2 years time… but for what reason?

Oh I’m so clumsy, prob some viral vid of my trousers splitting or walking down main road skirt tucked in knickers or getting my hair trapped round a tree branch (all true stories) 

If an EMP wiped out all mechanical forms of transport, how would you get to BlogOn?

I’m lucky enough to be close enough to walk. .. It’d take a while but worth it I am sure! 

Can’t wait to read everyone else’s. I am the noisiest! 

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Here’s my Facebook page 

I need you !!!!

Happy New Year!! 

My first post of 2017 is a teeny big beggy. There are these awards you see that I’m up for and I’d be soooo grateful forever and a day if you’ve ever read anything I’ve written and thought ‘hey that’s not crap you know’ if you could vote for daydreams of a mum. 

Looking through the categories I was really unsure where I fit. I’m not a ‘proper’ writer, my way of writing as I speak and overuse of exclamation marks put pay to that. I’m no comedienne, well I think I am sometimes but I’m generally in a small group of one there and I’m too scared to vlog ! 

Then I came across dedication – I think if I use that to mean bores everyone to death going on and on I’m certainly dedicated. 
I’ve been quietly writing this blog for 3 and a half years now. It was very much a solo pursuit at first . I didn’t dare join in with the social side of blogging until I discovered the Tribal chat crew (kisses you all! )
I started writing it as therapy after I’d left the abusive relationship and felt very much, to borrow from Fame, out here on my own. I never expected anyone to read it. 

As time went on though I received lovely messages from women who told me how relieved they were that it wasn’t  just them going through this stuff. Particularly after I wrote this about parenting after abuse. So I got a bit braver and this year shared my blog with people I actually know. 

Scariest. Thing. Ever. 

So dedication. I’m dedicated to letting women in abusive relationships know there can be light at the end of the tunnel

 

I’m dedicated to letting women know that they are believed 

I’m dedicated to letting women know that  I understand Christmas can be crappy , and how abuse makes you question your own reality 

I hope my  waffling does help  women feel a tiny bit less alone. That I show there can be a happy, free existence in your future. Of course I’ve still work to do. I hope to overcome my I love you issue at some point. On the whole though, life is good, most certainly so much better. 

Of course sometimes I just witter  about my nutty family or my famous crushes (RIP George)  but often come back to the reason I initially started blogging. Because writing things down help me make sense of what’s in my mind. 

So yes from now can we call it dedicated, rather than ‘bloody hell she’s on her soapbox again!’ though I’m kinda fond of that too. 

So, you can vote by clicking here I’d be super chuffed if you could choose daydreams of a mum in the dedication category. You can vote for me in up to 3 categories (no more or your vote won’t count) if you see fit.  Also if you’re a fan of blogs check out some of the other blogs, those Tribal chat crew are a talented bunch! ! 

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My Facebook page blog page is here

 

 

I actually kept my New Year’s Resolution

Last year I decided not to make the usual New Year’s Resolutions. I wasn’t going to promise to get fit or lose weight or finally find the allusive Mr Perfect. The problem with those ones is it’s likely June would have come around my running shoes wouldn’t have seen the light of day, I’d have been a stone heavier with all my single lady chocolate eating and I’d have felt a bit of a failure. Why set myself up for that? 
I always do like to make a resolution though, start a year with an optimistic goal. This year I kept it simple:

Try new things!! 
Thats it! 

I’m a bit of a set in my ways kind of a woman. I rewatch all my favourite films over and over as I do books. I order the same thing in favourite restaurants. It sounds boring (I am a bit!) I prefer loyal!! 

So here we are at the end of 2016, I’m reflecting on how my resolution went and I’ve realised this is the first year I’ve ever kept a resolution. 

I’m one of those people who, when people are talking about classic movies or the latest must see box set, I’ve never seen them. I thought as part of trying new things in 2016 I could tick a few off the list. I even tolerated Disney (I know!) to watch Beauty and the Beast which I’ve never seen (bloody hell talk about Stockholm Syndrome)  I got through some soppy ones (The Bodyguard, Top Gun) and some old classics I certainly should have seen before now including Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – loved it. I finished up with Trainspotting last night which I expected to dislike but didn’t! 
The teens  introduced me to How I Met Your Mother which I’d never seen but I bloody loved. Unfortunately as I discussed here we tend to get pick up TV and movie quotes in this house so “Major Disappointment”  *salutes* and “Haaaaave you met Ted” are now stock phrases here! 

I read Wuthering Heights for the first time this year! I know! What kind of self respecting bookworm gets to 36 having not read that. The imagery in it is just so beautiful, her writing excusite. 

Trying new things on the food front was always going to be harder. I have the same attitude to trying new food as a toddler. I just KNOW I won’t like certain things (fish, eggs, baked beans, cauliflower, strawberries) without ever having tried them. So I tried making new dishes instead. My pulled pork was a particular triumph. Small girl and I also had a go at making our own pasta but to be honest that was just a messy, time consuming waste of our time. 
I did boy stuff ! 

Well man stuff… A fun brand new thing for this sceptic of all things male girl! 

Sharing  my blog with people who actually know me was a terrifying new thing. It had been my little secret spot on the internet for ages but people have been so nice and supportive. My little  blog has been on the Mumsnet front page this year too! A proud new thing! 

I’ve even made a good start on writing that book – THAT is new! ! 

So all in all, despite 2016 being the year the world went barmy, on a personal level my ‘try new things’ resolution has been a good, positive one. 

I think I’ll keep it for 2017!!

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Here’s my Facebook page 

 

Life after abuse:Proving I was sane

I wanted to document my personal experiences of the domestic abuse in a few blogs. I know in the midst of, and indeed the aftermath of abuse you can feel like you’re the only one to ever go through this. 

You’re not. 
Once it became apparent to my abuser that I wasn’t going to return ,he realised he had to change his tactics.
He could no longer control me so his attention turned to controlling how others saw me. A very common tactic , I’ve since learned.

The guy is convincing , really almost Oscar worthy in his weeping and wailing and playing the wronged father who has had his children whisked away for no good reason. I know that so , so many of you unfortunately know exactly what I’m talking about here.

It began with him telling all my friends and family that the reason I’d left was that I’d had a breakdown , that I was suicidal. He only wanted to know where I was because he was so worried about me.

I began to suffer badly with anxiety , though I didn’t yet realise that’s what this was. I developed an irrational fear of fainting in public , it was so horrible. I was convinced every time I crossed a road with the children that I was going to faint mid crossing and we’d all be killed. Many , what I now know to know to be, anxiety symptoms made an appearance. Horrid tummy pains , racing mind , disrupted breathing patterns , numb face all showed up whilst I was just tying to deal with this monumental thing I’d done by leaving. At this time I wasn’t aware it was anxiety and I began to wonder if this was in fact a breakdown , that maybe I was losing my mind.

Thankfully my new GP was a marvel. She was the most reassuring presence in a panicky , scary mess. She helped me more than I even realised at the time. She was the first stranger to say she believed me , she was the first person to assure me that I wasn’t going crazy and in fact this was all a natural reaction to the situation I was in. She referred me to counselling and put me in touch with the Freedom Programme – the course that not only saved my sanity but began to help me put myself back together.

Comforted and strengthened by the reassurance I found the anxiety easier to deal with , it wasn’t pleasant but it was liveable with.

Then came the abusers trump card – family court ( I’ll come back to that in particular in another post) and as a special double whammy -social services (again whole other post)

I’d found him telling all my friends and family I was crazy embarrassing and uncomfortable but this was up a gear. I found myself having to defend myself against claims that  I was unstable and as such surely I couldn’t be the good mother I was claiming to be ? Also I had made all the abuse claims up hadn’t I? To justify why I’d ran away with his children?

That’s how I found myself having to prove I was sane.

Psychological testing was ordered by the court (on both of us )

So one day I found myself sat in a psychologists waiting room , the words of a social worker ringing in my ears

“If there is any evidence you’ve lied about the abuse , I will look at removing your children”

Me now , looking back, is furious that a so called professional could say such an appalling thing to a vulnerable woman. Me now would tell that woman that she is colluding with an abuser , that she is herself continuing to facilitate abuse. I’d tell her she can no way prove I’ve made anything up. I’d explain to her that her scepticism in my ‘story’ made me do the opposite and play down my experiences, I’d tell her that because of her words when a sympathetic police officer tried ever so gently to coax out of me what had happened and explained how he could help and how actions could be taken against my abuser I couldn’t do it.

Me then though , was an anxious , vulnerable woman who could only think about jumping through whatever hoops were necessary to keep my children. She didn’t have a voice then.

She does now.

Even then though , sitting in that office I still had faith. I wasn’t crazy , I wasn’t lying. That had to be apparent. He WAS lying , he couldn’t fool a professional surely? I’m not sure what my poor naïve self was expecting , did I think he’d crack under pressure? How daft of me.He’d been given an ear , someone to give him the time of the day , someone allowing him to talk about how he was the victim in all this . He thrived on that!

When I got in to the psychologist he was lovely and warm and did put me at ease. He asked such in depth , personal questions it was all very disarming . My (lovely) childhood was raked over ,the death of my parents ,  previous boyfriends discussed , did I think myself a good mother. I knew I just had to be the most honest I’d ever been. I was too, really hard for someone who doesn’t like people knowing her business (yes I get the irony of me now writing a blog about it for the whole internet to read- let’s say years of therapy have left me a bit more open and that can only be a change for the better)

After the initial chat I had to answer a multiple choice questionnaire which seemed to contain thousands of questions , this was what would flag up if you were a naturally deceptive person , how angry you were , your state of mind. I’m not a psychological expert and I’m sure it’s all very accurate but again a lot for an anxious person to deal with.

That was that.

The day I had to prove I was sane.

Oh and I did by the way….and it may have been a stressful experience to go through but to have the report in my hand that says I displayed nothing of concern bar the moderate anxiety we already knew about was good for me. At that time I needed that for me as much as for all the other eyes that were on me.

 

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Being 36

It’s my birthday next month,time for a  bit of a reflection at the year gone by and this past one, well it feels significant. Important in a really understated kind of way. Worth documenting I hope as maybe in years to come I’ll look back and re read this blog to get an idea of where I was at any given time.

Nothing earthshattering has happened this year. I’ve not married a Mr Perfect type or written that book or moved to the country to run a tea shoppe. . but I’ll keep those in the 10 year plan-dream big as we say!

This year feels more like a lot of little things that have come together and maybe I’m at a bit of a turning point!

Firstly I think this past year is one where I finally really believe I’ve conquered the domestic abuse demons. I’m not saying I’m now unaffected by what I went through. I am. I always will be, but I’ve made my peace with that. I’m one of the lucky ones, still here to tell my story.

The kids and are all free and content and there was a time for years and years that I never believed that to be possible. I’d accepted that life as my lot and never thought I could escape it. This year is one where I feel stronger by what I went through rather than weaker. I hope I can build on that in the coming year and use it to help women in that situation if at all I can.

Another big deal for me this year was sharing this blog with people I know. I know that doesn’t seem huge

“woman in writes a load of waffle and shares it online shocker”

People who know me though, know how much of a closed book I’ve always been. I’m a listener rather than a talker and I’d never in a million years be able to verbalise some of what I write about here. Speaking about my feelings is still tricky, writing them though, well as you’ve seen it’s more tricky to get me to stop.

So thank you for all being so kind and not picking me up constantly on all my writing fails *kisses you all*

Family wise this year has been a biggie. The eldest turned 16. He passed his GCSEs… We, as a family, survived GCSEs – pretty impressive.
I’m so lucky to have these 4, my quirky little family . I’m sure testing times will be on the horizon, that’s parenting teens for you but I’m sure we can get through it.  I’m very lucky to be their mum- some days they likely don’t feel the same I make so many mum mistakes but as I always say, I’m only ever making it up as I go along.

On a personal level this year is the one where I’ve managed to shake off my ice Queen tendencies. I’ve finally, aged 36 managed to pull down the KEEP YOUR DISTANCE barriers I’ve had up for a very very long time! I even dated and did cuddling and handholding and the likes with with a man. He may have helped as well with the ice queen thawing with his all round loveliness and compliments I actually believe. I mean holding out to this age to get crush over a guy is really quite lame, but better late than never don’t they say!

Good job 36 I say! ! It’s in no way been plain sailing and it’s not over just yet, but it’s so far been pretty positive on the whole.

The year writing my blog helped hugely in  dealing  with the past, that I’ve had great fun with my nutty family and a man managed to thaw my icy knickers a bit.

I’d not have predicted any of that this time last year – wonder where we’ll be this time next year! (please please please be good I’ll locate 4 leaved clovers and a lucky rabbits foot and try really hard not to  smash any mirrors)

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The Compliment Conundrum

I am so bad at accepting compliments. If someone says they like my top or my hair or that they like a piece of writing or even the occasional parenting compliment. I do a bad thing. I file it under ‘bullshit’ and move on.

Compliments just don’t sit easy with me.

I’d put it down to the abusive relationship and being put down everyday for years, I’d use the good old Pretty Woman quote of “the bad stuff is easier to believe”. I’m not sure I can though. I know so many women who deal with compliments like me. Women who haven’t been abused, women who are happy in themselves. For one reason or another though we find another person telling us “you’re great” weird and uncomfy.

The thing is, we need to stop this nonsense.

Here’s why.

Whenever I pay someone a compliment I really, really mean it. From the bottom of my heart.

When I’m in a clothes shop changing room despairing at my mum tum or sizeable arse and another woman pops out of the changing room to check herself out at the full length mirror at a distance (we’re not fooled by changing rooms lighting and mirror angles shops) looking fantastic I have to say. I have to tell her “you must buy that dress. You look phenominal”
When I’m reading blogs and I come across brilliant writing I need to tell the writer. I really want to take the time out of my day to say “I loved your blog. It made me cry/laugh/. It inspired me. It made me see things differently”

If I thought anyone filed away the compliments I give under ‘bullshit’ or only half believed I meant them genuinely I’d be really upset. They always come from the heart.

So maybe that’s what I need to do with the compliments of others. Maybe we all do. Take them in the manner we give them. Be thankful someone took time to comment and be grateful.

Maybe “the bad stuff is easier to believe”… but maybe the good stuff is way more important.
Certainly feels nicer!

What happens when you step out of your comfort zone

When I decided to make this blog ‘public’ and share it with people who actually know me rather than just let very kind total strangers (hi Twitter people ! you’re obviously not total strangers now!!) read it it took me months to build up the courage.

My blog’s Facebook page was sat there idle with no posts on for weeks. Gradually I started to transfer posts over , waiting for the day I’d be brave enough to press publish.

It doesn’t sound very brave I know , sharing a few hundred words of my thoughts to a few people online. The thing is sharing my feelings doesn’t come very easily to me. In fact that last sentence was THE biggest understatement ever. My personal comfort zone is a one woman closed book emotionally. I find it nigh on impossible to talk about my feelings*shudder*. …even typing that is bringing me out in a rash. My cosy happy place is just drifting through life with no one ever asking me a personal question or asking me how I’m feeling. I’m emotionally uptight and really struggle to express myself about anything meaningful verbally. Writing is a bit different though, always has been. I still write letters for goodness sakes, with handwriting and stamps and everything for exactly that reason.

Whilst I was sharing my stories and thoughts and opinions with strangers it was relatively easy. They didn’t know me and I wasn’t going to bump into them at the shops just after I’d bared my soul so it felt safe. Comfort zone remained mainly in tact. These strangers though were so kind with their words , they told me their stories and I felt like I was maybe even helping a tiny bit in a tiny way.

I was really worried that when I shared my ramblings people would tell me to go away with my egocentric waffling and off the wall punctuation. No one has yet though. Everyone has been so supportive and I’m so grateful.

Since I took the step though. Since I tiptoed out of my comfort zone so many positives have come from it.

My little blog has had way more views than ever before.

This post has become my most viewed ever and it makes me proud I was brave enough to share it. It’s the one that has struck a chord with women who’ve been through a similar journey to me and if it’s helped anyone feel even a tiny bit better or comforted then I’m bloody humbled by that.

This post was on the Mumsnet front page! My writing , that I actually did was up there amongst the proper bloggers.

So I suppose what I’m trying to say is that on this occasion doing something that made me feel a bit uncomfortable and a bit scared turned into a positive thing. Leaving my comfort zone was actually quite empowering!

I’m going to step out of my cosy place more often.

I’m going to force myself to do scary things.

I’m going to dream a bit bigger.

Have a bit more belief in myself.

Of course safe to say I’ll document it all here .After all,the emotionally stifled woman riddled with self doubt and self criticism seems to have been replaced with someone who overshares with the whole internet!

Whoops!

 
 

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I showed my blog to real life people…and the world didn’t implode!

My little blog has been just that for  a good couple of years now. MY little thing. My tiny corner of the internet where I could dump my meandering thoughts from my head onto the  screen. I find it really quite therapeutic and there are times in the height of an anxious period that it’s saved my sanity. What began as documenting life after abuse , showing that there really is a bright sparkly light at the end of the domestic abuse tunnel evolved into my wittering about parenting and kids and my (non existent) love life. It’s very me to veer off on a tangent.

Whilst only people I didn’t know were reading , it was perfectly safe. People , strangers, were so kind and encouraging and it buoyed me up and allowed my confidence to grow a little. People seemed to identify with what I’d been through , words like inspiring an courageous were used …about me??Very strange! Women got in touch to say how they felt reassured that life after domestic abuse really was possible. If I can ever have helped anyone feel a bit better or reassured then bloody hell that’s just the best thing.

Showing my scribblings to people I actually know though??Hmmm. I’d spent months umming and ahhing about it, felt risky.

My little blog is just my silly thoughts , it’s not the stuff of genius. I’ve really grown fond of my little space though.

The problem was The Voice , the one I spoke about here .Saying that everyone would laugh at me , that everyone would think I was stupid. That my writing would be pulled to pieces and I’d end up dumping the blog and stop boring people with my nonsense.

No one has though.

People have continued to be kind and encouraging. Yay!!

It makes me want to test myself in other ways. How many things do I not do because I’m scared of looking like an idiot? How many other things do I not even attempt because one person years ago told me I was rubbish at everything? How often do I stop myself  trying something new , telling myself I’m not good enough before anyone else gets the chance to?

I do it all the time.

I’d never let the kids behave this way , we have a ‘dream huge’ policy in our house and maybe I need to join in!

So thank you so much for your kind words and maybe my little blog can help me  be a bit braver, push myself little further and be less of a scaredy cat. Got to be worth a shot at least.

 

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