I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober post , day 11, is here .
I’ve heard myself described as damaged goods .
More than once . Sometimes to my face often as a chinese whisper , occasionally during a spiteful argument .
When I heard it , I felt it .
It’s a phrase meant to make you feel shit. It’s meant to mean unwanted , undesirable. AVOID THIS WOMAN AT ALL COSTS – HER DAMAGE WILL INFECT YOU – DANGER!!
I’m a single mum fast approaching 40 , attempting to cling onto sanity who has so many hang ups picked up from abusive and toxic relationships that yes sometimes I can be
hard work no I’m not using that phrase , that’s another one thrown at me to keep me in my place .
I’m not sure which of the 3 seems to be the biggest issue to people who want to judge (the sneerers as I like to call them -picturing Cyril Sneer from the racoons -do you remember him?)
(Thats the dude !!!)
Sorry totally distracted ….reasons I’m damaged goods !
Yes there is no father in our house , no new partner living here to help pick up the slack. This is a fatherless household and likely always will be now . Does that make me damaged though? Well I guess we need to look at these things from the sneerers prospective … The sneerer would look at my family life I guess and decide that 4 children and not a man in the house for over a decade. Well no one else is going to want her now . Obviously something wrong with her , can’t keep a guy . Poor kids .
Except the thing is we’re a family and we’re beginning to become quite the team. The elder three are at glorious ages where they can help with school runs and make dinner and get themselves up to ensure things can run smoothly here . We’re a team – we do not have an Alpha Male team captain I’m going to give you that one but we really have no place for one !
Mental health issues
My mental health is like a little selection box of problems and quirks.
Meaning sometimes I avoid humans , sometimes I can’t talk on the phone . Sometimes I’m browsing the bread in Sainsburys and I’m overcome with such dread I feel I’m going to pass out and my face goes numb .
Low mood ✔️
Yep some days I’m so filled with self loathing I can’t even stand myself. Some days a happy song dare come on my playlist and I tell it to f**k off cos I’m too miserable for that (this is a true thing that happened yesterday and I did giggle afterwards at my ridiculous behaviour!)
Some trauma related issue that noone has quite gotten to the bottom of yet ✔️
This is fun this one . Hypervigalence…my goodness forever in fight or flight mode , unable to settle ,forever looking for danger.
Fun anecdote to lighten the mood on this one. The other day a bird flew past and flapped her wings slightly louder and I screamed. Shrieked in the street.
So does all this rendered me damaged ? I prefer quirky myself . Obviously the sneerers would say look at the state of her can’t even answer the phone some days , scared of her own shadow. Who on earth would want that – no one with any sense !
I’m actually quite comfy with my whirling , slightly off normal brain function these days . It was Mental Health awareness day yesterday , I read lots of stories. There are loads of us ! Are we damaged ? Well yeah maybe but we’re bloody strong and tenacious too.
Domestic abuse damage
I’ve gotten over lots of hang ups over the last few years that I was left with after years of abuse .
Once upon a time though , I wasn’t me a decade on happy with how I look and who I am .Once I KNEW I was fat and ugly and useless and the worst mum and thick and pathetic and no wonder I had no friends and everyone definitely laughed at me and thought me just an absolute bloody idiot !
Yes I was damaged by years of abuse and trauma. Yes it was added to by other people -Sneerer types comments
Ah 2 sides to every story though
She must have pushed his buttons
She’d drive anyone to hit her
Some couples just don’t mix well
She just likes playing the victim
No one’s ever going to want her , who’s going to take on all her issues ? No one !!
If you’re reading this and you’ve been through or are going through abuse and have heard any of these statements about yourself let me tell you now it’s bullshit .
They’re phrases that come from best ignorance though usually worse than that.
Usually to keep us quiet ,to silence our voice. I’m just some woman off the internet you don’t have to listen to me but just know these phrases are crap spoken by people who know the grand total of eff all.
So yes ok more damage here . Damage caused by another person. Damage another person or people made the conscious choice to inflict on someone. I think I know who the real danger is in this situation.
Its taken a while but I realised recently that Damaged Goods – that vile phrase definitely says more about the person using it than the person they’re saying it about.
I also realised I’m going to start owning it actually.
When I was a kid my dad worked at a sweet factory (the dream right?) on a Friday he got to bring home sweets they couldn’t sell because they were wonky or misshapen. They didn’t fit the perfect aesthetic the customer was looking for.
To us though they were special treasure that not everyone else was allowed to experience!! They were unique and delicious and when shared with the right people were received with love and appreciation.
That’s me that is !!!