Category Archives: Uncategorized

When the ice queen becomes the cry baby…

Any poor unfortunates who have been reading my blog for a while will know how back ,what seems like forever ago , I was very emotionally stifled . I think I’m naturally a little that way anyway but the long abusive relationship did cause me to shut down emotions absolutely. It was a survival technique and it did what was necessary at the time.

Unfortunately after leaving the relationship and being free  the Ice Queen remained . Writing this blog , therapy ,time and surrounding myself with awesome people has chipped away at Ms icy knickers and now being  here , healed well the ice has thawed an awful lot.

This getting in touch with your emotions thing though? Well it’s a bloody rollercoaster.

I’m not a crier ,never have been. Since my feelings returned though and the numb left me it’s as though I’m feeling everything in 100% high definition 4D in my face intensity 

I’m glad about this , honestly I am. Numb isn’t a nice way to be . It protects you from the horrid but it robs you from the joy. I am feeling now ,all whipped up in a rush of emotions. It’s overwhelming but I’m grateful.

Turns out though underneath the ice queen exterior is a total cry baby. I’ve shed emotional tears over some pretty ridiculous stuff lately though. Want to hear?

THIS…..

Although this one isn’t ridiculous.

When the new Doctor was revealed and those female eyes were shown …well firstly I screamed. Then I cried. It may seem to some a silly thing to cause a tear but to me as a woman this is huge ,just massive.I had hoped with all my might that she would be a woman but deep in my heart I didn’t believe she would be. We have change. It touched me hugely and unexpectedly.

The Doctor is a woman.

A Yorkshire lass at that.

Watch out Daleks.

(PS men moaning that this ruins their childhood and that the only decent male role model for little boys has been taken away from them.Well I’ve an idea ,why don’t you work on being a positive role model yourself and drop the misogyny.)

More ridiculous things I’ve cried about though are these.
How empowering Let It Go is during Disney Karaoke with the kids.
Because the eldest was reading the youngest Harry Potter.
The LaLa land date on Love Island
Because small girl was just described as a good role model for younger kids in her school report.
Because the boys put on THAT Windass goal.
Because a lovely comment was left on my blog.

You know what though,it all felt good. This wasn’t sad weeping it was just feeling. I’m a beginner you see? All these feels are a hard thing to learn to manage.

So happy to be finally feeling all these emotions I could almost shed a tear over that itself!!!

As The Doctor would say though ” Where there’s tears there’s hope.

Wise words 
Where’s the tissues??!!

A boys first love – A guest post from my eldest

I couldn’t let the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter pass without comment. JK Rowling is a hero and inspiration of mine. Harry Potter though , well I know a guy who can talk about his love for that with way more passion than me.

My 16 year old first born. He fell in love with the books as a little little kid . They’re his go to books when he’s had a bad day or is ill or just needs a bit of comfort. I’ll let him tell you all about it,

 

 

Harry Potter. Where do I even start? Hooked at 6 finished by 11. Almost cried when I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter but it probs just got lost, it’s cool, yours did too, right?

I won’t claim to be an expert, for some it means more, and many know more. It will always have a special little scar spaced slot in my heart, from crying when I was younger, when the actor for Dumbledore died, so I was of course terrified that without Dumbledore, who would stop Voldemort? All the way to the woman sat behind us when we saw the last movie, who sobbed all the way through.

But in so many ways it’s so much more than a story. The idea that one happy memory (a patronus) can hold away an army of negativity (dementors) is an incredibly powerful one, as she says “help can always be found at Hogwarts, for those who ask for it” (or sommat like that anyway) That message is incredibly powerful.

Teaching young children about toxic environments, and encouraging imagination will have an impact for generations to come. There will never be a day that someone in the world doesn’t think a positive thought about Harry Potter, and in turn JK Rowling.

Somewhere, in a small café  in Scotland, one woman created a story and a universe that would last long in the memories of millions, some like me who hadn’t even been considered, yet alone born. She would change the lives of millions, and create strong role models for all, no matter what your age, race, gender, or sexuality namely herself, Emma Watson, or even Rupert Grint, for gingers everywhere!

I’ve read so many fan theories, from small little sad ones, like how Sirius and Harry had such a strong relationship because whenever they looked at each other, they both wished to see James.Simply insane ones too, like that Dumbledore is a time travelling Ron Weasely. Each day a new theory pops onto my facebook news feed, and that is how you know when something truly amazing has been created, when after 2 decades, people still can’t get enough, and that is the sign of a true legend.

It creates moral issues, like whether Snape is a good guy or not.I mean apparently abusing and bullying innocent school children isn’t an issue anymore, but that’s a whole different blog, possible series. But it gets young minds thinking on their own, raising their own moral issues, and allows them to gather their own opinion and voice it. In this world, there is nothing more important than standing up for what you believe is right, and that is exactly what she has started to encourage teenagers to do.

It makes us cry, laugh, and fume, sometimes all at the same time. And I could, have done, and almost definitely will reread them over and over again, because with truly beautiful, informative and intelligent writing you learn something new on every page.There is absolutely nothing bad about that, it means that generations upon generations will be passed down books from their parents, grandparents, and great grandparents, and millions will be inspired by her writing, inspired to be a Harry, and do good. For that, from billions of potterheads across the globe, thank you JK Rowling

“We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are”. -Sirius Black, Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix.    JK Rowling.


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50 shades of dozy……

 

 

Today I got to lunchtime before realising I’d been  walking around all day with my dress on inside out.

I’d like to tell you that this was a one off hilarious anecdote.

It was not.

This is my life.

 

 

I really can’t understand it. I like to think I’m a fairly intelligent woman, but for one reason or another my head is permanently in the clouds. It’s been the same all my life so I can’t even blame getting older. When my (3 years younger than me ) sister and I used to go out places she was always the one my mam trusted to look after money or anything important.

 

 

I’ve given up on even getting frustrated with myself now . Pointless .

 

So inspired by today’s dress fiasco I have decided to put together a list of my top 10 dozy related incidents. At least it make you giggle or just be glad you don’t have to put up with me….

 

 

 

10) Losing stuff

Now this isn’t technically one incident but one life long incident. I lose everything, how I’ve never left one of the kids behind somewhere before now is nothing short of a minor miracle. Numerous purses , phones , bags have fallen by the wayside over the years. I once left all our swimming gear on a train. 5 PEOPLE’S towels , costumes ,toiletries I got off the train and left behind!!!

I once even lost a dining chair ??An actual chair!! What the hell? Concentrate Kelly!!

 

 

9) The tree incident

There I was one day , walking along the main road to school , minding my own business having a little daydream as I do ( probably about what I was going to eat next) and before I knew it , so ensconced in my daydream was I that I failed to notice my hair had become wrapped around a tree branch. By the time I realised I was chained to a tree by my hair I began to panic , but also I was on a busy main road and didn’t want to appear a total loon trying to rip my hair free from a branch…

I think I styled it out…probably

 

 

8) The knickers

Have you ever had a stranger stop their car on the same busy road mentioned in number 9 to tell you your skirt is tucked into your knickers??

No you normal people with active brains and who live on THIS planet will say , why we’ve not tucked our skirt into our knickers since we were 5.

I have , and not just the once either..mortifying!!!I mean what’s the appropriate response other than blushing and hoping the ground will swallow you up.

 

 

 

7) The Bag of Doom

The bag of doom is the biggest bone of contention between small girl’s daddy and I . The Bag of Doom is the overnight bag that travels between each of our houses in our harmonious co parenting journey to give us an extra thing to bicker about.

You know the drill , cuddly toys she needs for sleep and the like , school uniform , shoes. The essentials. Now knowing what a pain in the arse grump organised person he is I really should save myself the earache and get it right. I try. I write lists and everything . Sometimes I convince myself I’ve cracked it , I’ve packed this bag perfectly . There shall be no passive aggressive Bag of Doom texts . 5 mins later my phone beeps with a text

KELLY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY HELPFUL FOR YOU TO HAVE SENT HER COAT IN THIS TORENTIAL RAIN

Balls!!!! The thing is I start out with the bag , but then someone needs something or I get distracted and in all actuality I reckon I could be a goldfish with one of those 10 seconds memories or whatever it is

 

 

6)The inset day incident

Yes I took my kids to school on inset day….only once though?! Progress?!

 

 

5) The puddle incident

Out with a very handsome chap I was wowing him with my effervescent chat and sparkling wit (or the boobs one or the other) when actually I was so busy swooning over him , I forgot to pay attention to where my feet were, fell over them and landed in a puddle.

Seductive work Kelly , not a clue why the guys aren’t queuing round the block.

 

 

 

4) The where’s my phone? Incident

Small girl’s daddy had given me a lift home from school or something like that but when I got home I realised in typical me fashion I’d left my phone in his car. AAArgghh but I love my phone I must get it back thinks I . Calls him up to ask if he’d found my phone in his car

“which phone Kelly ?The one you’re calling me from right now?”

Oh…yeah…

Feel sorry for the guy yet?

 

 

3) Bag of Doom pt 2

Went to drop off Bag of Doom at daddy’s.

Was on the train before I realised I’d left the bag at home.

Went back for bag

Got back on the train.

Was daydreaming and decided to go the next stop on and go shopping

Went shopping.

Got home , still with the Bag of Doom about my person.

Got on the train…again….

Seriously Kelly ….get your shit together!!!

 

 

 

2) Today’s dress incident

All day long I was walking around with the labels on the outside of my dress.

Stylish!!

1)The shoe incident

OK the finale …

One day , I took small girl to school only on the train home did I glance at my feet and see this

 

 Whole other planet , I tell you 


My Facebook page is here



Naptime Natter

A love letter to mum bloggers…

 

Dear Mummy Bloggers ,

 

After the vileness of THAT ridiculous article by Anna May Mangan about how we are bringing the country to its knees with our gin soaked potato waffles ( oo wonder if that could work!) in that horrific newspaper that the devil would be proud of I felt compelled to tell you all how much I bloody love you.

 

 

As a mum blogger I love my little blog. I like having a little corner of the internet that’s mine. I’m proud of my blog too. Blogging makes me brave enough to share my thoughts in public . I’m grateful to my blog for being part of a really helpful therapy in my recovery from abuse.

 

 

Do you know what I like more though?

 

Your blogs.

 

I love reading your blogs , I love sharing them , I love finding a brand new blog then bingeing ( that spike in your views where you panic someone is reading everything you’ve ever written …that’s probably me!)

 

 

My favourites being those of you who bite the bullet and write really honestly about the realities of motherhood. Strangely I take it as a given that you all love your kids to pieces , I take it that we all know how lucky we are to have created actual humans who get to share our lives with . I don’t assume unless I see #blessed on your social media you’re just not that fond of them!

Reading your blogs full of love and joy and happiness is uplifting . Finding an idea for a new day out by reading reviews on your blog is really helpful.

When you share with us though , quite often in a raw manner , that sometimes you struggle. When you comment on how bloody hard this parenting lark can be. That some days it all feels impossible. That’s so very important too.

 

 

Parenting can be isolating . It’s terrifying. It’s so much harder having to deal with the constant feeling of being judged whether that’s by the woman tutting in the supermarket , your mother in law , your ex partner or a bloody national newspaper.

 

 

For an ordinary mum having one of those impossible days. Maybe she’s not seen another adult in a week. Maybe she’s exhausted and desperate and feels like this mummy gig is just too tough for her. Maybe she feels like a failure and is too worried to reach out in case everyone else agrees she’s a useless mother.

Well your blogs help save their sanity.

Maybe this tired mum comes across your blogs on an impossible day. Reads that other mums out there have had impossible days , that it’s normal , that she is not the only one. That she is not in fact a failure but a member of a massive club. A club full of women who have impossible days sometimes fish fingers and gin and all. That can feel like the biggest relief , the weight of the world falling from your shoulders. It’s a comfort to know that sometimes impossible days are followed by magical days. It’s a comfort that there are women out there who you can identify with and communicate with and that it’s ok to find it tough.

 

 

You’re not just a sanity saver though mum bloggers. You’re entertainment.

 

There are some supremely talented writers out there.

 

Blogging is not merely a load of self indulgent mums having a moan. So many topics are covered in this umbrella of the ‘mum blog’ Inspirational , moving writing covering heavy topics. Racism , mental health ,divorce, politics , feminism , abuse , grief all covered in various of your blogs I’ve read and written well. These are not just fluffy headed women half drunk on their 11am gin indulgently bleating about how shit it is to be a mum despite what the Daily Mail think. I’m unsure the writer of this particular piece has ever really read much of your work.

 

 

You’re funny too , so funny!! Your witty , intelligent writing can cheer up a miserable grey day!

 

 

So sneer all you want Daily Mail. You hate women as it is , of course you’ll feel threatened by a group of them who don’t behave as you think they should. Who build women up, who stand in solidarity with one another. Female empowerment was never really going to be your thing though. We’ve seen your poking fun at unflattering bikini shots and your misogynist headlines. To be frank some of the pieces I’ve been unlucky enough to come across from your ‘newspaper’ are nothing short of a hate crime .

 

Well love wins over hate.

 

Mum bloggers I bloody love you!!!

 

Kelly xxx

 

 

Shameless plug : If you like my nonsense and fancy nominating me in the #BiBs2017 you can do so just here http://www.britmums.com/nominate-for-the-bibs2017/





Naptime Natter



Hot Pink Wellingtons


Mummy in a Tutu

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The identity crisis bucket list! 

Earlier in the month I wrote about how now the children are getting older and a little less dependent I’m feeling about wobbly and unsettled about who I am as a woman, not just a mum. That particular self indulgent post is just here.

How do you find out who you are though? I’m a bit short on babysitters, time and cash to go off on some retreat of self discovery in the Himalayas for 6 months.

I thought a good place to start was think about things I like doing. The important word being I,rather than ‘we’. I know what we like doing as a family. I’ve spent the vast majority of the past 17 years finding things ‘we’ like doing and I really, really hope there are years and years of that to come.

I am lucky though in that I do generally  get a weekend a month to myself when my elder kids are with grandma and small girl is with daddy. I’ve even almost a fortnight in the summer holidays – that’s too long though I’ll be moaning about missing the kids by day 3. I’ve gotten better at utilising my child free time I did spend years just sitting home whinging about being lonely. I just need to keep doing that, maximising my free time . Try and find that woman that’s tucked away in here, rediscover the passions and interests that don’t lie solely on keeping these gorgeous human beings of mine alive and well.
I did what I always do.

Made a list.

It’s nothing earth shattering or awe inspiring but just a gentle start of remembering or discovering what makes me tick when the kids aren’t around.
Can I share them?

Go camping – on my own 

I’m a fan of doing stuff alone. I’m the advocate of the solo date, I enjoy my own company. I’m quite lucky where I live too with the Peak District almost on the doorstep so one weekend when I’m heartlessly abandoned by my children I’m just going to go walking up there. Look at beautiful scenery and collect my thoughts to the picturesque backdrop.

Go to Edinburgh fringe festival 

I’ve always wanted to do this. Wall to wall theatre and art. The children are away for over a week during the summer and I’m going to have myself a little holiday and head Northwards for some culture!

Exercise 

Stay with me here I’m not going to go all gym bunny on you. I loathe the thought of running and swimming so much so it actually puts me off doing it. This is really silly because when I do go for a proper run I do enjoy it. Working up a bit of a sweat with just my cringe worthy play list for company always makes me feel really good. Running is great for keeping my anxiety at bay too. So I’m going to stop being a lazy arse and get out there.

Write the book (or at least try) 

Everyone has a book I them don’t they say?  Mine is just struggling a bit with the getting out part. Do you know why? Because I feel daft. I worry that people would think “bloody hell we have to put up with her shockingly shite writing with her blog – who does she think she is writing a book?”

It could be true. I could invest time and effort only to produce the world’s worst book, but even if this were to be the case well it’d not have hurt anyone would it?

Let’s crack on with that.

Visit new places 

I read a short story by Jenny Colgan once called Paris For One. A woman gets stood up by her boyfriend and ends up visiting Paris alone. I’ve wanted to follow suit ever since.  I spent my younger years child rearing so have never really seen anywhere I’d have liked to yet. I might not manage Paris but I could start off with some UK cities surely?

So that’s my list so far.

I’ll bore you to death with tales of my adventures ticking them off but I feel so much happier just having written them down. I’ve showed them to you guys too so that means  I HAVE to do them right?
So here’s to making the most of child free weekends instead of moaning about abandonment.
After all the children certainly aren’t pining for me when they’re having fun at  grandma’s or having adventures with daddy!

 

 

 

Like my Facebook blog page to follow my adventures


 

 

Practical ways I tell my anxiety to keep away!


Anxiety sucks.

 

It can turn your average day into an overthought , catastrophizing nightmare.

 

I don’t have the cure I’m afraid .

 

I’ve read all the info , I know exercise , good nights sleep , healthy food and not drinking wine or overdosing on chocolate are what I’m meant to be doing to keep anxiety at bay. Not much fun though are they?

 

I can’t run when I’ve convinced myself I’m going to faint at any minute …and probably on the road…then I’ll get run over and killed… and then what will the kids do….Yes that’s my actual thought process during an anxious moment. Total pain in the arse.

 

I’ve never managed to stop that horrific pain through my stomach and my face going numb by eating kale.

 

How the hell am I meant to get a good nights sleep when I can barely breathe with the panic?

 

 

I know these tips are the sensible ones. Sometimes a run does blast away the panic , sometimes a long sleep stops the overthinking.

 

 

Over the years though  , I’ve gotten to grips with my anxiety to an extent. It’s personal to me and I know how to nip an episode in the bud quite often , I know how to calm myself . They may sound a bit odd but anxiety is a personal thing , there’s no one size fits all solution. Maybe some of mine may work for you . Here’s how I tell anxiety to just p**s off!!!

 

 

Phone calls to my sister.

If I’m feeling a bit wobbly , or I feel unsettled this is my go to activity. Chat , especially idle gossip and thoughtless chat is a distraction. Add to that my sisters familiar voice and calms me down.

I’m not suggesting you all ring my sister when you’re panicky , though as I always say if I could clone her I’d give you all a copy – she’s ace!!

Maybe if you have someone with whom you can partake in chit chat as a distraction though , a familiar voice , a calming influence though this could work for you .

 

Monday vlog indulgence

Could be a bit niche this one …stay with me.

Monday’s are always a pain in the bum aren’t they? A good start to a week though can do wonders for my head. I also love a vlog , I’m a blogger , I’m nosy why wouldn’t I?

Starting the week by watching Marian Keyes weekly vlog sets me up nicely for the week . She’s funny , she’s engaging, she’s pretty , she’s smiley ( I’m pretty sure the accent helps too) I am a big fan of her books and she’s a bit of a Twitter crush of mine if truth be told. Being told stories is another on the anxiety cheat sheet and well ,  Marian is as fab at telling stories verbally as she is writing them down. The vlogs start my Monday with a smile. In fact I recommend them (  link here : https://www.youtube.com/user/himselfkeyes) to all of you , even if you’re not quite as nutty as me!)

 

 

Joining in with small girl

My 8 year old does everything with zeal. There is no half hearted with her. On a wobbly day , taking a leaf out of her book and just joining in with her is as therapeutic as anything I know.

If it’s feeding the ducks we’re throwing the food as far as we can , if it’s drawing or colouring it takes every bit of focus we have. If it’s dancing it’s with every bit of our body.

It seems when I put my absolute all into any activity it’s really hard for my anxiety to take a grip on my mind.

 

 

Watching stand up

An obvious one really.

From the school of fake it ’till you make it!! If I’m laughing anxiety does not stand a chance.

 

 

Writing

Could be a blog post , could be a letter (yes I still write those – how quaint am I?)

More likely though it’s just a total mind dump into a notebook.

When I am anxious I overthink.

This never ends well for me , especially when it all just swirls around m mind like some kind of brain bothering hurricane. The reason I ever started this blog was because I’ve always found that writing down what bothers me helps . Having a million thoughts whizzing around this head each one causing another hundred in a anxious chain reaction means I’m not going to feel great. Picking up a pen , writing them down uncensored gets the thoughts out of the nutty mind and into a notebook where they become much less powerful. I can see how ridiculous they are written there in black in white.Then I can shut the notebook and walk away. It helps.

 

 

They’re little things , but sometimes little things help.

 

Do you have any little tricks that keep your anxiety in it’s place or that can calm you ?

 

I’d love to hear them.

xxx
 



My Facebook blog page is here 

 

 

 

 

 

A guest post from my First born

This is a guest post from my fab first born. I’ve been nagging  the kids to write for me for ages …. Parenting lesson there : nagging works.

 I’ve left it totally untouched despite itching to edit. .. Oh so I’m a pushy mother – old news! 




 
Whilst walking down the street, people cross the road in order to avoid me. They give me dodgy looks, tell their young children to avoid groups of us, we are of course, after all, extremely dangerous, each and every one of us. But which group of people am I being stereotyped and discriminated against for being a part of? I’m the worst of them all, I’m a dreaded TEENAGE

Hoodies up, we aren’t allowed to be warm you see, looking at our phones, heaven forbid the possibility that we’re keeping in contact with people, haven’t seen our parents in weeks, probably slipping each other drugs on the sly, we are really very intimidating.




I bet every single one of you has done it at one point, maybe it’s dark, you’re in an unfamiliar place, maybe walking home from a party and you see one of us, or maybe even worse, maybe we’re travelling in packs at this point, stalking the streets for pray and stabbing them with dirty needles.




What do you do? You turn the corner, you cross the road, anything to avoid having to have a confrontation with the rabble heading towards you.




How would you feel if someone close to you acted like that towards a black person? Surely you would be rightfully horrified, for all sensible people know you can’t judge someone by their appearance.




Maybe you don’t think I’m telling the truth, maybe I’m just being overdramatic, but is it a coincidence that security guards watch us like hawks, especially if we have one of those cursed hoodies on, possibly worse, if you’re really unlucky we might have had the cheek to put our hood up! (the horror!) There is no coincidence in the fact that mothers tell younger children to “come home if there are teenagers around” on their local park, I was told the same myself.




But when did it become acceptable to openly discriminate against a group of people in this manner? Even worse since when did such discrimination go unnoticed? Why should I feel pressured to not wear my hood up, to stay off my phone and not walk in groups, just to be seen as an ordinary human being and avoid such discrimination. When you talk to us you may be surprised to find out that we’re actually just people like you. Maybe we dress differently, maybe talk differently to you, but when did such minor barriers hold a cause for such a divide in society?




You know some of us have jobs, some of us play for sports teams, a couple of us even manage all of this, along with the stress and pressure of college, and the work load of that, I could go for pages and pages about the struggle of teenagers in this society we’ve built ourselves, but I’ll save you of that for now.




The one thing I hope you take away from this is to know that we notice. We notice your dodgy looks, your odd comments here and there. And as shocking as you may find this, it doesn’t make us feel too great about the older generations. It doesn’t make us feel particularly respected in the world we will soon be taking over. We were all teenagers once, so next time you send your young children to the park, don’t send them scared of the people they will one day become.

I’m Going To The Blog On Mosi Conference Icebreaker…. 

​Hi everyone I’m Kelly. 

I blog at daydreams of a mum. 

I’m @daydreamer_mum on Twitter 

Blog on msi is my very first blogging conference. I’m still not sure I’ll dare actually go to be honest – images of being turfed out for not being a ‘proper’ blogger keep flitting through my mind! So this Icebreaker idea I thought was great!! 

Share a recent picture of you (if you are an anonymous blog, a drawing is fine)

Describe yourself in three words

Ridiculously absent minded

How long have you been blogging and what made you start?

4 years. I started as a therapeutic way to document my new life after domestic abuse. Only in the past year though have I been really trying at it as though people may actually read and joining in with the (brilliant) social side! 

What was the inspiration behind your blog name?

I’m legendary for my, they say dozy and gormless, I say daydreamy ways! Daydreams of a mum was born. 

(though I am also stuck with the Kelly and the kids name on wordpress as it looks a total faff to change.. .) 

What is the best thing to come from your blog so far?

Messages from other women who have been through abuse saying that reading my blog makes them realises it’s not just them who feel this way. 

Your most remembered thing from your childhood

Holidays at Butlins with my parents and sister 

Something interesting you might not know about me is . . .

I have a fish phobia-dead or alive they turn my stomach. I’ve never eaten fish in my life. 

Which social media platform best describes your personality and why?Probably Facebook as it combines my blog and writing about things that are really important to me AND bickering with my family! 

What is your happy song?

Flashdance!! 

What is your favourite alcoholic drink

Gin and tonic 

What is your favourite cake?

Aaargh not a huge cake fan! I know I know that’s weird, takes an exceptional one to get my attention 

What is your favourite takeaway dish?

Chicken jalfrezi , rice AND chips and aand chapatti. No I don’t know why my size 10 jeans no longer fit me either. 

Where is your dream holiday destination and why?

Private island in the sunshine! 

If you had a magical power, would you want to have and why?

Teleporting – because EVERY day on the  school run, small girl laments my lack of one and therefore making her legs ache! 

What one weapon would help you survive a zombie apocalypse?

Oh I’d be easy prey, I’m a huge coward! 

What would you have on your gravestone?

She was a bit daft but she did try to be nice

You make headline news around the world in 2 years time… but for what reason?

Oh I’m so clumsy, prob some viral vid of my trousers splitting or walking down main road skirt tucked in knickers or getting my hair trapped round a tree branch (all true stories) 

If an EMP wiped out all mechanical forms of transport, how would you get to BlogOn?

I’m lucky enough to be close enough to walk. .. It’d take a while but worth it I am sure! 

Can’t wait to read everyone else’s. I am the noisiest! 




Here’s my Facebook page 

A little relapse, a stumble backwards doesn’t mean back to square one 

I’ve had a weird couple of weeks

.

Nothing huge has happened, no trauma, no incidents of note.

I’ve just not felt ‘right’. I’ve not had a real anxiety attack for a while and none of the usual triggers were present. I could just feel it creeping up on me. That sinking feeling walking around ASDA, you know the kind you get  when you’ve messed up in a big way or forgotten something really important? You feel panic and nausea and dread. Well that feeling has been present intermittently for no reason at all.
The reassuring thing about my personal anxiety disorder is that it’s usually fairly predictable, but this was new. So I’ve spent  a couple of weeks permanently looking over my shoulder waiting for the prod that my anxiety was giving me to turn into the huge shake that usually follows.

Only it didn’t.

So of course this made me anxious. I was anxious that my anxiety disorder wasn’t presenting as I expected. Well played anxiety.

This escalated over the last few days into another classic of mine but one I really thought I’d seen the back of. The waking up in a morning, not even opening my eyes but already feeling my breathing pattern wasn’t right, feeling  dread and panic. It’s been a real nuisance and left me shaken a bit and unsettled.

Shaken and unsettled, in my case then trigger the big guns of my anxiety. Ridiculous thought patterns culminating in horrible self loathing and self doubt and all round a lot of thoughts about how rubbish I am.

Last weekend this little blog of mine had been read lots and I’d had the most lovely, flattering comments about it. Such positive words that ordinarily I’d have been proud as punch about. Now when this happened whilst anxious brain was in charge of things my thinking went more like this “Oh no people are saying nice things about my writing because they feel so sorry for me about how shockingly shit it is. That’s it I’m deleting the whole thing – who did you think you were anyway putting your nonsense out there? ? Why on earth would anyone want to listen to you? ”
I suppose one good part of knowing your own mind can go rogue on you from time to time is that I can acknowledge I’m anxious and never to make any decisions at that time!

 

I mean, I was feeling rubbish and hating on myself a bit so reached for the tortilla chips and salsa for comfort. Between the salsa jar and my mouth the salsa dropped  off down my pj’s. Now ordinarily I’d roll my eyes at my clumsiness and carry on. Not when anxiety brain is in the house though. Thought process then was “Oh for goodness sakes  you can’t even EAT now? Is there anything you can do you useless arse”  At this one I’ve got to admit once the feeling had eased I even managed to giggle at my own craziness! Tortilla related trauma, that’s a new one.

I talk often recently on this blog about how healed I am after the abusive relationship, how I’ve never been stronger mentally. This is true, really it is.

So then if I don’t document the slips, if I gloss over the hard times I feel like a bit of a fraud.

The thing I’m taking from this bout of crapness though is this-it’s a not a big disaster, not really.

A couple of hard, horrid weeks doesn’t mean I’m back to the beginning again. It doesn’t mean anxiety wins. It doesn’t mean all huge steps forward and the achievements I’ve made are wiped out.

I’m still here looking forwards, I’m still lucky enough that an anxious period is the rare thing not the 24 hour nagging noise that it once was.

I know it will pass
I’ve  stumbled.
I tripped, but I’m back on my feet now and surely it’s the continuing to get back up and try again that counts, it’s talking about the highs AND lows that helps.
So let’s keep trying.


Here’s my Facebook page 

 

Shameless plug : If you like my nonsense and fancy nominating me in the #BiBs2017 you can do so just here http://www.britmums.com/nominate-for-the-bibs2017/

 

A Thank You to the women who shaped me on International Women’s Day. …  

I’m so very lucky to have known many amazing women in my life. Ordinary women whose everyday life may not seem that extraordinary. Who may go through their lives not realising that they’ve impacted on another person. I dislike the thought of that. People have made a difference to me. I want them to know that, today more than any other surely has to be the time to say. 

It started as a kid. Surrounded by strong women who made being a mum and keeping an organised house and working look effortless. 

My mum, my grandma, aunties. Older cousins, my mum’s friends, my friends mums. Just these capable women who made life look easy. It’s only now as a mum and so called grown up that I can appreciate how much hard work and stress must have been going on behind the scenes to keep juggling all those balls. 

You made us all believe it was possible for us too, I’m grateful for that. 

To my teenage friends, the girls I grew up with. Some of those girls I don’t even know now but their influence has still shaped me somewhat.  

My teenage friends are the girls almost solely responsible for the fact that as a teenager I did have a healthy amount of self esteem and confidence in myself. I got such positivity from those girls and as we found our way around boys and exams and nights out (there were some brilliant nights out and thanks Al for keeping the unsuitable boys away) 
My dad died when I was just 15.You all called up and checked on me. I have a 15 and 16 year old myself now and that you girls had it in you to be so supportive so young is something again I can appreciate even more now than I did then. We were only young-bloody hell life had barely even begun to throw the kind of crap at us that the next couple decades would but your empathy was amazing. 

Years later when my mum died, you were all there again. I felt looked after and cared about and loved and at that time that was exactly what I needed. You took my sister under your wings like she was your own. I’ve probably never really told you all how you made the most shitty of times less so with your friendship. 

Thank you

I’m the worst at keeping in touch and I am sorry. I’ve got to be able to rectify that now the kids are getting older and I have that weird thing of spare time back! 

Let’s crack open the taboo and lemonade, grab a bottle of Metz (how nice was that stuff?) and relive our youth! 

To the friends I made when I ran from the abusive relationship. The one woman in particular who took me and made me feel less alone, who introduced me to her own friends knowing I didn’t know a soul. That kind of compassion has never been forgotten and I honestly think without your kindness and friendship there were times I’d have been tempted to run straight back. Again I’m so bad at keeping in touch and I’ve no excuse. Just know you kept a fragile woman semi sane. Thank you Janette you made such a difference. 

To the bloggers who inspire and amaze me daily, thank you for sharing your stories. In this crazy whirlwind that is life to feel like there are other women going through the same old crap as you is a powerful thing. 

To my mum friends – the Playground crew, the schoolyard mafia. 

You rock. 

You’ve all so much going on in your own lives and it’s kinda inspirational how you keep going day after day with a shed load of shit going on at the same time. I’ve never had school mum friends before, in all these years, what with my social anxiety and the fact I’m generally just not keen on many people when it comes down to it. In you guys though I feel like I’ve found my tribe (and my PA’s – organised Kelly is on her way-you just wait! ) 

Obviously then there’s my main woman. My best friend, fave adult human and sister who enhances my life immeasurably just by being around. You’re funny and kind and brave and I hope to be a little more like you when I grow up! 

Women. You’re the best! 
Thank you for being in my life and I will work harder on keeping in touch. 
All your amazing woman-ness (Yeah made up word I know) has played a part in shaping me into the  woman I am today.. . Yes. It’s all your faults!!! 
Xxxxxx