Lockdown musings no. 2 – Things I’ve learned …

How we all holding up ?

Coping ok ?

Weeks into lockdown I’m learning a lot about myself and about my family . Can I share ?

Small girl’s YouTube habits are sooooo irritating

There seem to be a subspecies on YouTube (and forgive me sounding like a granny here ) of very young ,very attractive, married couples vlogging their entire life. She put one on the other day that was just the woman having her hair dyed! Where’s the entertainment there kid ? Another one of a woman with the worlds most annoying voice making her kids elaborate lunches . Again I’m sounding like an old lady but how on earth is she getting entertained . She can watch me make lunch if she likes!!

Oh but an exception to prove the she doesn’t half watch some crap rule are The Norris Nuts , love those guys !

I don’t mind being woken silly early by the birds singing

I’m a bit weird (long time readers are fully aware ) but I used to hate sleeping with my window open . Irrational , ridiculous thoughts of people climbing in !!! However I’ve been a big brave girl lately and sleeping with my window open . I’m started waking around 5 by the birds singing and honestly it’s the nicest way to wake up ever ! Really gentle and just so lovely I don’t even mind how early it is !!! I often then doze back off (who wants to add hours to these days ?) but the plan is to get up and run at this time as I’m still marathon training and can’t be running during the day in the sun!

My noise sensitivity is ridiculous

One of the manifestations of my PTSD is over sensitivity to noise. I know this , I deal with it .

Having everyone home all the time though has made me realise quite how it effects me . I feel so sorry for the kids , I’m constantly telling them not to shout or to be a bit quieter and really they’re not making an awful lot of noise it’s just my brain cannot cope with the incessant noise . It puts me on edge and makes me so irritable . Walks alone are my saviour currently.

Written communication is my favourite

Not so much of a surprise , I write a blog . I still write letters to people . I love chattering too though , or so I thought . I’m not really missing face to face chat . I’m not a phone call fan and video calls not for me either really. WhatsApp is my friend. Messenger is great. I do still want to communicate I just like writing down !! Obviously there are a handful of people I cannot wait to see and chat the hind legs of a donkey with , I’m not a total social recluse .

I could probably live off crisps alone

Again not a total surprise , but maybe more just an acceptance of a fact. There’s so much variety to be had and they cheer me up.

Frazzles for breakfast , hula hoops for lunch , pickled onion space raiders in a sandwich for dinner , McCoys for supper . Would work for me !!!

Unfortunately can’t really get away with it but it’s a dream…

The teens can take self isolation to the nth degree

Barely seen them except at meal times. They’re very good at this !We seem to have a room each and keeping socially distant from out own family ! Can’t moan too much , whatever keeps everyone sane I guess ! If that happens to be Disney + or Netflix between college work so be it .

So things are changing , have changed for now and though I am looking forward to a nice date , a trip to the theatre , a cocktail fuelled catch up with friends and a trip home to Hull . I’m quite ok with communicating via message, waking to the birds and chomping hula hoops like they’re going out of fashion for now .

Lockdown musings no.1 – Alone

I’ve had thoughts whizzing round my head for weeks now but there were just too many zooming around in this unpredictable head of mine to be able to concentrate and articulate. Today feeling calm and relaxed I’m going to try. I think we’re all somewhere between madness and on the edge right now on a sliding scale day to day so if my ramblings are even more chaotic than usual I apologise in advance .

The virus , the word we’re all fed up of hearing and lockdown and isolation how quickly these things have to come to be the norm. I expected to feel many things when we began to get a glimpse of how massive and scary and consuming this was going to be . I expected a huge mental health wobble and my anxiety to get out of control . That’s not been the case though. I’ve had a few wobbly days but not the huge anxiety filled days and dreams and panic I’d have expected from a global emergency. What the hell is wrong with me ? If ever there was a legitimate time to panic this is it …my time had come. It has not . I read a fantastic article in the week about why this is it’s just here .

So not huge anxiety wobbles , no panicky catastrophising . If my usual reactions to scary stuff aren’t happening what am I meant to feel???

Well what I feel right now is something that is so very unusual to me I struggled to work it out. I feel alone. Really alone.

I don’t mean lonely , come on its me the girl who loves a date for one (ohhh I cannot wait to go to the theatre again ) but a realisation has hit over the last few weeks. There’s no plan B here , there’s no fall back plan .

Ordinarily the kids do have other people in their lives even ones far away ,but as it stands right now it’s just me and them . There’s a fear that comes with that ,what if I get sick ? What happens then? There is noone to take the reins , there’s noone to step in for me . What if we all got sick ? It’s just us ,in our house that’s it . That’s all we have .

On a less important level but one I’ve felt for the first time, probably ever is a lack of a second adult in our house for practical reasons, or emotional support or just someone to sit with tea and talk about what a shit show this really is . Someone else to make breakfast for once ,but mainly just the chat . I’ve not had a face to face conversation with someone I haven’t given birth to in weeks. Someone to offload fears on , to just be physically present. I didn’t ever feel a lack of that until now. I think that maybe only people on their own will understand that. It sounds silly that the woman who goes on and on about how she couldn’t ever live with someone and how she enjoys her own company is fancying having someone around for her emotional well-being. It’s just sometimes you feel that hole , rarely for me but right now I do .

This train of thought it leads me onto the biggest thing I’ve realised . That despite what I’ve written above , despite feeling that way , I’m so lucky . My children are 3 teenagers and an 11 year old . They don’t need (certainly don’t want) entertaining they just need the kitchen stocked and they’re good to go like 4 little hungry locusts .

I can’t stop thinking about women with younger kids who are alone. How would I have dealt with this alone when the kids were much younger . How on earth are women with no support for whatever reason managing? Trying to work from home , entertaining and educating their children whilst keeping a grip on their sanity ??No one to divide labour with when the kids are home full time with no school.

The answer is I’ve not a clue.

It’s of no help to you at all right now if you are one of these women but just know …

I see you.

I am aware of you and how difficult your life must be right now.

I am completely in awe of you.

I know we have to keep away from one another and that there’s only so many WhatsApp groups you can be in before your brain explodes , but if you are one of these women is there anything at all we can do to help ??

I can’t think of anything that would have helped me when the kids were too young to be left alone so I could shop , or whilst everyone needed my attention yet there was only one of me all day everyday with little sleep and no break .

It must be the hardest , toughest most exhausting of times and you ,my friends , are absolute warriors !!!