RIP Ice Queen.. It’s been (not at all) emotional

I wrote a while back about how I identify with Elsa  from Frozen more than probably any other character (says a lot about a person I guess) it’s here if you fancy a read. I’ve always had a tendency to keep people at a distance and struggled with expressing my emotions.

Recently though things have changed a little. I think I’m thawing.

There are a few reasons for this and it seems as though they’ve all come together at the same time to make me me a little warmer and more able to deal with and express my emotions (about time too!)

Firstly this blog has helped enormously. When you’re putting yourself out there, even if it’s just to a few people, and sharing your feelings it does lower the barriers.
When I’m talking about the domestic abuse or sharing my struggles with anxiety, things I never dreamt I’d be able to talk about well that’s expressing my emotions isn’t it? It’s Pandora’s Box – like, once these things are out there there’s no putting them back in. I can’t regress to total emotionally uptight woman who can’t talk feelings.

Secondly, I’ve spoken on this blog more recently about how I feel a stronger, more mentally healthy woman than I have in a long time. It’s taken way longer than I expected to recover from toxic relationships but I’m finally here at the other side. Of course there’ll always be triggers, I’ll always have altered behaviours, there’ll always be memories that affect me. I’ve made peace with that now though. We’re changed by our experiences but I’m OK with that. I can be happy with the me I am now.

Another huge factor in shaking off the Ice Queen mentality is that my social anxiety has lessened. In fact I’d go as far as to say this is the major factor.

I’ve struggled with people for a long time. A throwback to feeling worthless and useless all the time.

I have lovely friends who I miss but never arrange to see, I made conscious effort to not make new friends, I back away from social occasions. It comes across as rude which makes me feel worse and ratchets up the anxiety yet further.

It was never about other people. It was about me. That I felt I had nothing to contribute to conversation, that I irritated people, that I bored people, that no one wanted me around they were just being polite.

Recently though I don’t feel that way at all. I’m relishing socialising , I’m enjoying people. I believe people quite like to be around me . The mean , nasty thoughts I have towards myself are a rarity at the moment.

There’s also the small matter of a very handsome chap who is the most positive voice I’ve ever heard *blushes*

So all these factors have come together and really helped me to shake off the cold, distant woman I’d put in place.

I’m finally finding my feet and embracing myself (in a non literal way).

Maybe the Ice Queen was necessary for  a while  whilst I figured myself out, whilst I healed.

Maybe this new me isn’t new after all.

Maybe it’s the me I always should’ve been.

5 signs you’re a bit of a people pleaser…

I have always been a people pleaser. I like people to be happy with me. I was a goody two shoes daughter, I was good at school and as I’ve grown up I’ve never grown out of it. I’m aware of the dangers of being this way.It renders me a bit of a twat magnet, and I’ve learned to contain it a bit but as it’s always going to be there I’m embracing the positives in it.
Maybe some of my fellow people pleasers can identify with the 5 signs..

1) You like a Well Done

You wish everyone carried about their person a roll of stickers similar to what teachers have.

You liked the cuppa I made you? Well done sticker please!

You loved the birthday gift I bought you? Good Job sticker if you don’t mind!

I like reassurance I’m getting things right.

2) A text missing an ‘x’ spells doom

Same applies to single word texts now I come to think of it!

Now if you and I text often, we’re quite close, we usually exchange chatty texts then a text missing an ‘x’ will send me into a spin (yes I know that’s ridiculous) my brain will go through anything I possibly could have done to upset you or piss you off.

I know it’s nuts, I will send a rushed one word text response when I’m busy myself. It doesn’t mean I’m annoyed – well unless I am annoyed and doing it on purpose! Aaarrgh who’d have thought a ‘x’ could provoke such stress.

3) You can be infuriatingly optimistic

Us people pleasers just want everyone to be happy! So when a pal has a problem or is going through a tough time you ramp operation cheer up to the max and do all you can to convince them it’ll all be OK. I’ve been told I can put the silver lining on any situation – it was meant as a compliment but I can see how it could be irritating. When you’ve had a crap day sometimes you just need to vent. You want someone to just say ‘that’s rubbish, here’s wine’ You don’t necessarily want buoying up and motivating and promises that things will get better!

4) Your kids get the full force of the pleasing

Chances are I know my children’s likes and dislikes better than anyone. If there’s anyone in the world you want to make happy it’s going to be them. So by knowing you can make someone’s day if they come home to bolognaise or that someone is going to be over the moon if you record their favourite programme of course I’ll do it! Clearly my children are very easy to please and I adore that trait in them.

5) You get miffed at thoughtlessness

You try to go around making people’s lives that tiny bit happier just by having you around. You’d put being thoughtful as your top character trait. You shouldn’t expect everyone else to be the same though. That way lies disappointment. If you you spend numerous hours with the little one hand making a lovely Fathers day gift that you just know he’ll love, you can’t then sulk on mothers day when you receive a bunch of flowers hastily bought on the way to yours. Well you can sulk but it’s pointless! Some people have more sense than to try to please the world!
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<a href=”https://www.letters-tomydaughter.co.uk&#8221; title=”Letters to my Daughter”><img src=”https://static.wixstatic.com/media/367297_99b1ec47d78b47edaa38ff85d77e708e~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_253,h_253,al_c,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01/367297_99b1ec47d78b47edaa38ff85d77e708e~mv2.png&#8221; alt=”Letters to my Daughter” style=”border: none;” /></a>

I can’t be old enough to have a 16 year old son. However… .

Dear J,

So you are very nearly 16. Firstly, you need to start fibbing about your age. For my benefit really. I’m just not old enough to have a 16 year old son, surely not!

Secondly (spoiler alert : mum slush coming right up) Though you may be growing up way too quickly, I am so very, very proud of the person you are. I know us parents probably overuse the word proud a bit but there’s no other word I can use to describe how I feel when I watch you just being you.

Who would have guessed on that sweltering hot August day when I first saw those little eyes looking up at me what the next 16 years would have had in store for us.

We’ve had quite the adventure you and I.

I always tell everyone J, that you are the boy who taught me to be mum. It’s true as well. I hadn’t a clue. Turns out you are quite a good teacher.

We muddled through the newborn weeks, me with a babybook in hand trying to learn, you insisting I just winged it and learnt on the job. We survived colic! I don’t know who shed more tears through those weeks, you or I but we made it through. We knocked weaning out the park, tamed toddlerhood. We found what worked for us and went with it. You allowed your pushy mummy to boot camp the pre school years with reading and writing. I think you actually enjoyed it though! The thing was I was so panicky that as an August baby you’d struggle to keep up with the older kids.

I was wrong. I’ve been wrong quite often on our parenting journey, but I promise you I’ve only ever been trying my best!

You loved school as it happened and enjoyed learning. I panicked over nothing (another common theme of my parenting I’m afraid – apologies! )

You’re the most adaptable person I know. You went from being an only child to being a big brother to two in less than 3 years and took it all in your stride.

You’re a fabulous big brother, by the way. I love that the middle two can come to you for homework help and you always give them a hand, even if S has been particularly annoying that day.

As for small girl. Well safe to say she idolises you. She’s very lucky to have you. You’ve taught her to play the guitar, you read to her, you’ve gotten her to share your love of obscure sports. You’ve even finally gotten her into Harry Potter an aim of yours for years!

So. 16 eh?
To me, you’ll always be the boy who for years got his j’s the wrong way round, who walked into lampposts as he has his mums dreamy tendencies. The one who has a long list of things he’s ever fallen over (your own feet being no. 1 of course) The boy who hates lasagne but loves bolognaise , my tech advisor, my Doctor Who buddy, the one who tells maths jokes no one else gets. The person who has an interest in the world around him and is the one who will (legitimately) pick me up when I’m being a hypocrite.. annoying though that may be. . .

Have a fabulous birthday (even if we barely see you what with you having a social life) I know that you will let small girl do you a teaparty, tell you what I’ll even rig pass the parcel in your favour.

We all love you and we’re lucky to have you.

Mum xxx
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Holiday in Hull? Yes please! (yes really!!!)

I know I’ve barely mentioned on social media my excitement at my trip home to Hull whilst the kids are away  (except loads all the time constantly)
The thing is, I’m a simple girl at heart. I’m easily pleased and making me happy is ridiculously easy to do. So a Hull holiday to most would be the boobiest of booby prizes (poor deluded fools) but to me, it makes my heart sing.

Here’s why :

1)Home really is where the heart is
Obvious this one. I may live away from home but my sister’s house feels more like home to me than anywhere. Yes the tea quality is beyond shocking but that in itself has reached quaint status. The second I walk in that door all worries are left on the doorstep. I am at my most relaxed and smiliest.. Probably a little something to do with…

 

 

2)The People
My sister – my favourite human.

My brother in law – One of the few men NOT to be on the list come the feminist revolution.

My niece and nephews – the best niece and nephews ever! The cutest and more importantly funniest little people.

The elusive brother occasionally makes and appearance and a whole host of other people who just put a smile on my face!

 

 

3) The Food
You may not realise that Hull is a fine dining hotspot but get your chops round a pattie and be enlightened my friends! As for a Hull takeaway. Oh Em Gee. . You’ll never taste anything like it – CHIP SPICE!! and garlic sauce on your kebab, that’s right not garlic mayo but garlic sauce. My mouth is watering in anticipation.

 

 

4) Not much changes (thank goodness)
I feel like I can leave the place but always feel the familiarity upon returning. When I arrive it wafts over me like a city wide comfort blanket. Yes they can posh up the station but hop on the 56 bus and it’s like a comforting time warp. I mean all I want to do is have a go on the splash boat at East Park. .. I’m as giddy about it now as I used to get as a kid in the summer holidays.

 

 

5) I laugh more
This is a weird truth.

I laugh more in Hull and I’m a giggler at the best of times. I spend the absolute majority of my home time laughing and snorting like a demented warthog. I think it’s because at my sisters, as I’ve said before, I’m my actual uncensored self. It’s freeing.

Home is home no matter how far you travel and I’m so looking forward to hopping on the train, looking out for the Humber Bridge and having some home time.. there may be a small amount of wine involved I suppose! !

I know I’ll have gotten you all desperate for a visit, but hold your horses my pals.

Hang fire for 2017.For we are indeed City of Culture and you are ALL invited. I’ll give you the grand tour, we’ll all bunk down at my sisters – she won’t mind – the patties are on me!