Category Archives: Blogtober 2019

Damaged Goods

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober post , day 11, is here .

I’ve heard myself described as damaged goods .

More than once . Sometimes to my face often as a chinese whisper , occasionally during a spiteful argument .

When I heard it , I felt it .

It’s a phrase meant to make you feel shit. It’s meant to mean unwanted , undesirable. AVOID THIS WOMAN AT ALL COSTS – HER DAMAGE WILL INFECT YOU – DANGER!!

I’m a single mum fast approaching 40 , attempting to cling onto sanity who has so many hang ups picked up from abusive and toxic relationships that yes sometimes I can be hard work no I’m not using that phrase , that’s another one thrown at me to keep me in my place .

I’m not sure which of the 3 seems to be the biggest issue to people who want to judge (the sneerers as I like to call them -picturing Cyril Sneer from the racoons -do you remember him?)

(Thats the dude !!!)

Sorry totally distracted ….reasons I’m damaged goods !

Single mum

Yes there is no father in our house , no new partner living here to help pick up the slack. This is a fatherless household and likely always will be now . Does that make me damaged though? Well I guess we need to look at these things from the sneerers prospective … The sneerer would look at my family life I guess and decide that 4 children and not a man in the house for over a decade. Well no one else is going to want her now . Obviously something wrong with her , can’t keep a guy . Poor kids .

Except the thing is we’re a family and we’re beginning to become quite the team. The elder three are at glorious ages where they can help with school runs and make dinner and get themselves up to ensure things can run smoothly here . We’re a team – we do not have an Alpha Male team captain I’m going to give you that one but we really have no place for one !

Mental health issues

My mental health is like a little selection box of problems and quirks.

Anxiety ✔️

Meaning sometimes I avoid humans , sometimes I can’t talk on the phone . Sometimes I’m browsing the bread in Sainsburys and I’m overcome with such dread I feel I’m going to pass out and my face goes numb .

Low mood ✔️

Yep some days I’m so filled with self loathing I can’t even stand myself. Some days a happy song dare come on my playlist and I tell it to f**k off cos I’m too miserable for that (this is a true thing that happened yesterday and I did giggle afterwards at my ridiculous behaviour!)

Some trauma related issue that noone has quite gotten to the bottom of yet ✔️

This is fun this one . Hypervigalence…my goodness forever in fight or flight mode , unable to settle ,forever looking for danger.

Fun anecdote to lighten the mood on this one. The other day a bird flew past and flapped her wings slightly louder and I screamed. Shrieked in the street.

So does all this rendered me damaged ? I prefer quirky myself . Obviously the sneerers would say look at the state of her can’t even answer the phone some days , scared of her own shadow. Who on earth would want that – no one with any sense !

I’m actually quite comfy with my whirling , slightly off normal brain function these days . It was Mental Health awareness day yesterday , I read lots of stories. There are loads of us ! Are we damaged ? Well yeah maybe but we’re bloody strong and tenacious too.

Domestic abuse damage

I’ve gotten over lots of hang ups over the last few years that I was left with after years of abuse .

Once upon a time though , I wasn’t me a decade on happy with how I look and who I am .Once I KNEW I was fat and ugly and useless and the worst mum and thick and pathetic and no wonder I had no friends and everyone definitely laughed at me and thought me just an absolute bloody idiot !

Yes I was damaged by years of abuse and trauma. Yes it was added to by other people -Sneerer types comments

Ah 2 sides to every story though

She must have pushed his buttons

She’d drive anyone to hit her

Some couples just don’t mix well

She just likes playing the victim

No one’s ever going to want her , who’s going to take on all her issues ? No one !!

If you’re reading this and you’ve been through or are going through abuse and have heard any of these statements about yourself let me tell you now it’s bullshit .

They’re phrases that come from best ignorance though usually worse than that.

Usually to keep us quiet ,to silence our voice. I’m just some woman off the internet you don’t have to listen to me but just know these phrases are crap spoken by people who know the grand total of eff all.

So yes ok more damage here . Damage caused by another person. Damage another person or people made the conscious choice to inflict on someone. I think I know who the real danger is in this situation.

Its taken a while but I realised recently that Damaged Goods – that vile phrase definitely says more about the person using it than the person they’re saying it about.

I also realised I’m going to start owning it actually.

When I was a kid my dad worked at a sweet factory (the dream right?) on a Friday he got to bring home sweets they couldn’t sell because they were wonky or misshapen. They didn’t fit the perfect aesthetic the customer was looking for.

To us though they were special treasure that not everyone else was allowed to experience!! They were unique and delicious and when shared with the right people were received with love and appreciation.

That’s me that is !!!

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Blogtober – day 8 – Make walking to school more fun in October

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With thanks to Annette at 3 Little Buttons for her blogtober prompts

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober prompt is making walking to school more fun in October. I am going to veer slightly off the point here but stay with me .

Walking to school is no more in our house. Small girl started high school in September and though sometimes we still catch the bus together , often she wants to walk with her friends or is happy for her siblings to catch the bus with her.

I have moaned about about the school run all the time I’ve been doing it . We moved house away from school so it was always a bit of a trek . a train then a walk from the station. I moaned and grumbled but really deep down a lot of the time it was quite nice (not all the time obviously we’re not the Waltons!)

With 4 children that golden one on one time can be tricky to grab hold of and me and small girl’s journey to school was it !!

If she was tired or grumbly then she did need distracting on the walk from the station to school – see I did promise I’d come back to the point. So the only way I could think of during these times to make the walk more fun was simply chat. Small girl is a chatterbox anyway so getting her talking distracted her from the walk.

When she was much younger our school run chat often centred round her funny little questions that she’d ask. My favourite to date was “what is your favourite word to write in joined up writing ?” It got me thinking more than I expected I can tell you !

We made grand plans on our school run , but at this time of the year there was soooo much we could chat about. What was she going to dress up as for Halloween , what should we do for Bonfire Night and then the big one ….Christmas!! we could happily chat about Christmas from September onwards . Food and films and panto and all the other exciting things we had coming up!

I’m sure there are other things that would work better on an autumn school run to make it fun!! For me and small girl though it was simply always about the chat!!

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Blogtober – Day 4 – 5 things that make you smile

With thanks to Annette at 3 Little Buttons for her blogtober prompts

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober prompt is 5 things that make you smile in honour of national smile day! I am a big smiler , I love to see other people smiling too and how lovely is the feeling of making someone else smile ?

Going ‘home’

I’ve been away from Hull for more than a decade now but I get this feeling when I go back. As soon as the train passes through Brough I get excited , I’m nearly home. I always tell people this and they probably think me nuts but when I step down from the platform from the train and see the Welcome to Hull sign I grin like a Cheshire cat!

Also my sister is there and she is the person who makes me smile more than any other person in the world. Although that’s more of a giggle , hysterical laughing and guffawing than a simple smile. Honking my nephew calls my Hull laugh!! Really my family are hilarious! I think so anyway, you might not think so they are an acquired taste but they definitely,definitely make me smile . A lot .

The kids being nice to each other

Or generally just getting along. The girls having an early night so as they can lay in bed and gossip.and chat . The boys ‘mental away days’ following Stockport County to bizarre places .

I came upstairs the other night to find teen boy the younger teaching small girl how to change a duvet cover. ..please teach me next?

When the big 3 were little it was a kind of bickerfest . With me gritting my teeth , remembering my sister and I used to be the same and now she is my fave person. I’d just hope that when they got older they’d get along and be friends and (for the most part) now they are.

Receiving sweet texts

I’m almost 40 ….yet you can see me grinning at my phone like a loon from time to time when the exceptionally handsome man in my life has his charming pants on.

It’s a bit nuts having a teenage like crush at my age but as I never bothered with them as an actual teen I’m allowed this one ? Owed a bit of lovehearts for eyes syndrome ?

Also , it’s so much fun and makes me the smiliest !!

Finding the perfect gift

I always claim to have 2 skills in life :

I make an amazing pie and I am good at finding presents .

If you like you can down grade my pie making abilities but present finding is something I love.

You know when you’re in a shop or just browsing online and you see something you just know someone else will love , and how that will make them smile ?? Amazing feeling !

A good Sunday Roast

You knew food of some kind was going to make this list right?

Can anything beat a really good roast though? When the roast potatoes (the most important part of any Sunday roast and what I will judge you on if I come to your house for dinner) have a crunch but are perfectly fluffy inside. When your Yorkshire Puddings rise perfectly , your veg is cooked to perfection and your gravy the perfect thickness……now THAT is worth a smile !!

Awwww now I’m hungry….smiling though.

Hope there is lots for you to smile about this #nationalsmileday

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Blogtober – day 3 -Share a poem for poetry day

With thanks to Annette at 3 Little Buttons for her blogtober prompts

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober prompt is share a poem.

I really should have tried to write a poem. That really would have been a creative challenge for me I don’t think I’ve written poems since school , which is a shame really as I do love poetry. I shall write a poem ..it’s on the to do list and now I’ve told you guys I have to do it.

For now let me share a poem with you from the super talented Holly McNish about parenthood , and timely again for a woman trying to work out who she is when not mum …about precisely that , how we lose our own identity for a while.

Hope you enjoy

https://www.channel4.com/news/poet-hollie-mcnish-motherhood

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Blogtober – Day 2 – Bucket list

With thanks to Annette at 3 Little Buttons for her blogtober prompts

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober prompt is Bucket List.

This is a timely one for me as I’m going through a transformative phase with the blog . Sort of going from parenting blog to …what do I do now they’re growing up and who am I when I’m not mum blog.

Maybe need a snappier title.

I wrote this week about approaching 40 and how I’m looking forward to it. I know there are many lists out there of things to do before you’re 40. I started reading them LAST birthday and wrote all about how I didnt think I was capable so I’m not going to go on about all the stuff I have roughly 10 weeks to do .

I have a different kind of a plan for 40.

40 is when it all begins for me right?

The kids are older . I have this weird thing called free time now . I need to start using it to discover the answer to the old Who Am I? conundrum.

So instead of a bucket list of things to do before 40 , I have a few things I want to do WHEN I am 40 , after I’ve turned 40 . Less time pressure and more focus on a bit of good old self discovery.

I’ll share a few :

Run a marathon

This was something eldest and I discussed years ago . One day we’d love to run a marathon,just to say we had. I think in my head back then it had to be London , but tricky to get a place so currently in my head it’ll be Manchester next April. If the body complies or not is a whole other thing.

Give something back

When I left the abusive relationship I was lost and scared and supremely overwhelmed. I talk often on my blog about The Freedom Programme and how doing that course saved me . Next year and for the foreseeable really I’d like to give more women the chance to do this so maybe raising money for the womens centre where I did it could help that , and I guess I could combine that with the marathon running.

Finish the book

Been writing a book all my life I think!

One is coming together nicely but I do need to dedicate time to it to try and pull it all together and I suppose see if it’s even any good or not . Some of this free time I talk of definitely needs to be sent the books way.

Visit new places

I’ve been nowhere . Seen nothing . I had babies in my 20’s and grand plans were on the back burner a while . Doing some exploring in my 40’s has been in The Plan for a while now and I am really excited about this one .

Learn something new

I absolutely bloody adored school. I loved learning . I’d very much like to go back to college and learn something new. Conversational French for the European adventures maybe ,an actual writing class to pull along this book?! I don’t know yet but think the brain could do with a new challenge!

So there we are some of the things on my when I’m 40 bucketlist ! Can’t wait to get cracking!!

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