So that was 40….

I turned 40 a year ago, give a day or 2. I really didn’t want it to be a mopey ‘oh no I’m getting old’ thing so I decided to make a list of things I was going to do when I turned 40. I was so excited to see how many I could tick off my list.

Optimistic to say the least!

Then. Obviously 2020 happened.

A worldwide pandemic.

No marathons were run, no new countries visited. I didn’t even finish the book despite being stuck in for months as my creativity took a holiday (lucky it!)

However I am a silver linings kind of a woman. It’s probably quite an annoying trait to those around me but I like to try to find a positive in crappy situations. My list of when I turn 40 achievements remains unticked. It’ll keep for 41.

I’ve just achieved different things in my year of being 40 is all.

I’m still running

I’m still running though I have to admit to not exactly training. With the marathon now next October some of the motivation simply isn’t there. I’m not trying to get faster, I’m not running longer I’m just ticking along. I’ve a new improved marathon training plan though (you can tell its serious because I got the glitter pens out to make it) It’s there, ready to go starting on my 41st birthday along with my trusty podcasts

I’ve read a lot

I know! I know! I always read a lot. At the beginning of the first lockdown though I just couldn’t. I had no concentration. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t read. My new hobby became vacantly staring at the wall. Thankfully that didn’t last and I’ve read some fantastic books. I’ll probably write a book round up of the year so I’ll not go on too much but my favourite book of the year so far is A Love Story for Bewildered Girls by Emma Morgan. It was so beautiful and the characters are so well written. I adored every chapter.

Fave book of the year!

I’ve enjoyed the Internet

My name is Kelly and I am a social media addict. I’m still in a mood with Instagram after I accidentally deleted my account last year and had to start from scratch. I’m here by the way, do find me. I’m going to make an effort with it honestly. Twitter is my absolute fave, honestly it’s like a big group of really cool friends who don’t require any real life maintenance.

Living.

The.

Dream.

Lockdown and quarantine has not made me crave human contact no, thanks for asking!. My love for Twitter is steadfast, I know some think it’s a big mean horrible cesspit of a site. Parts of it are, however over the years I have nurtured my little part of it to be filled with general lovliness and great chat. Twitter is also my go to for TV, book and film recommendations. It’s brilliant. It’s not just social media that’s helped in these weird times though. We’ll hurry by the Etsy habit I have developed and instead say its been great through the madness to rely on my family group chat. A great source of happiness and giggles although I worry were anyone outside it to read it we’d all be sectioned (at best) We jumped on the family quiz bandwagon too and I have loved that so much (probably way more than the rest of them if truth be told!)

I’ve enjoyed being me

I know that probably sounds a bit odd. Lockdown though? Social distancing , keeping people at a distance and not leaving the house. Well welcome to my world. This is how I live my life the majority of the time anyway and now it was government guidelines. Added to that my poor children were forced to hang out with me at home it’s like my evil plan has finally come together. It’s been a good time to be an antisocial hermit! I’ve not had to make up an excuse as to why I don’t want to do something for months!! I do miss going out to eat and theatre and about half a dozen people but other than that I’ve just realised that I really am a big fan of who I am and how I live my life. Your 40s are meant to be about self love right??

My things to do when I turn 40 list is now a when I’m 41 list. However being 40 has been pretty good regardless. Here’s to 41, lots of continued time at home but added dates and theatre and yes I hope I’ll finally get to run that bloody marathon! Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say. Maybe 40 has changed me after all?!

Affection withdrawal as an abuse tactic… conquered

I’ve waffled and whinged and whined in this blog a lot about my aversion to hugs and tactility. I’ve bored you all with my 2017 Eureka moment where finally the Ice Queen thawed and being touched no longer makes me wants to recoil in horror and turn into a statue.

What I’ve not really dealt with though is why I’m like I am .

It’s odd; life after abuse. You have so many lingering behaviours once you’ve left , even years on some habits stick (one of these days I’ll take my phone off silent mode) Some ideas still float about your head unquestioned until you realise that actually those ideas are not your own ideas at all. They were a seed another person planted in your head so gently that you took them and everything that grew from them on as your own but they never ever were yours. Sometimes one day , everything clicks into place and you realise that your behaviour still mirrors that of that abused woman . Then…well then you have the power to get rid of it .

I had a bit of a Eureka moment like that over this week. I know where my hatred of affection came from , I know why I’m like I am and now I do I can banish it for good.

When I met a man who emotionally abused me I was going through a tough time , I was vulnerable . I must have been a gift to him! Now I’ve never really been a hugger ,that I can’t say is down to anything other than I’m not naturally a tactile person. He came along though and showered me with affection. At that low point in my life I soaked it up. Cuddling , touching, all the affection and compliments and kind words and gestures wrapped me up completely. I liked it , I liked being the focus of all this love and I was flattered .

Over time emotional abuse became the norm . I was manipulated and coerced into behaving a certain way.  I am a people pleaser so it probably wasn’t that much hard work to get me to do as he wished. However on one occasion I resisted . I didn’t play along with his games . I stood my ground and didn’t give in . I can’t even remember what it was that was the issue now but that day he withdrew affection and kindness and compliments and they never returned. Those strokes of the arms as he passed me , the hand squeezes that I’d relied on ,am arm around me or a peck on the cheek all disappeared immediately along with compliments and encouraging words (even only now as I write this do I realise why I hate compliments too)

As I mentioned above I am a people pleaser by nature and I’d grown to like the affection he had lavished me with. He had already done enough ground work on my head to ensure that the affection withdrawal would have the desired affect. It did. Then you see I was always striving to get that back. I was doing anything he wanted to try and pull back the affection , only now I was so very grateful for the tiniest scrap of approval he only need offer the occasional hand on the shoulder or feeble words of praise to make me feel better. I was altering my behaviour and character to get this guy to go back to his love bombing of the beginning . I was absolute putty in his hand , easily moulded to be exactly what he wanted at any given time.

I think we’re joining dots now to find out why I then became the girl that hated hugs and affection and touching. I always knew it had to be a defensive thing and it absolutely was. In my mind I could never again give anyone that kind of power ,that hold over me . I couldn’t settle in to enjoy affection because I knew how horrific it was to have it removed.

Years away from toxic relationships , therapy and this blog though have been my trio of weaponry against the damage done mentally. They’re pretty solid too these days. I talked here last week about my need for patience and yes I do absolutely need that understanding and trust if I’m going to be close to people , physically and emotionally.

You know what though ?Around someone I trust , who has proven themselves to be consistent and worth that trust and whose company I can totally relax in I DO like hugs . I like hand holding and little kisses to the face and my hair stroked. Physical contact is a primal human need and I’d deprived myself of that for way too long .

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Valentine’s Day…. TV’s best couples

I’m a Valentine’s Day Grinch , everyone knows this . However to enter into the season of love and romance I have to concede that there are people out there in the world who make my chilly little heart melt ,who I am hugely emotionally invested in and almost….just very nearly make me believe in this love stuff!! Yep! People off the telly?

Can I share???

Amy and Rory  (Doctor Who)

Oh….talk about devotion! The boy who waited. Our boy Rory is so hopelessly in love with Amy whilst feeling that he’s not really worthy. He’s insecure of Amy and The Doctor’s relationship , believing The Doctor is way more worthy a man for Amy than he is. Except Amy does love him absolutely wholeheartedly and when it comes to the crunch chooses Rory over The Doctor. I should think so too after Rory -the last centurion-the boy who waited sat waiting for Amy for 1894 years outside the Pandorica. I have seen the Pond’s final episode dozens of time , but this last scene still has me crying my little eyes out 

Barney and Robin (How I Met Your Mother)

Oh HIMYM you teased us …. you led us right up the garden path with this one. Robin and Barney the pair of commitment phobes  , fell for one another and hard. We emotionally invested and for what?? For the scriptwriters to totally turn on this couple is what!! I loved this pairing…still not quite over it! 

Monica and Chandler Bing

Do you remember the London episode when this pair first did the deed?? We were so shocked ! (Or I certainly was!) Them attempting to keep their relationship secret was hilarious 

“Do THEY know that we know that THEY know”

The proposal is another one of my little weepfests despite having seen that episode so many times! 

Joey and Pacey

Yes I was rooting for Dawson at the off too. Honestly me mistaking the articulate,arty intelligent type for grumpy, spoilt egotists is a trait I have carried through with me waaaaayyy longer than the Dawson years!!! Even then though I could see Pacey was the better bet!!

Dr Mark Greene and Susan Lewis

Ok ok ok I know these were never a real proper couple, but my goodness they should’ve been !!! That train platform declaration was a total heart wrencher!!!

I know he ended up happy ever after with Riversong (well premature death aside!)They were just the sweetest though!

Why on earth is ER not on Netflix??

Shane and Angel

These pair??? 

Cheese fest but that’s what Australian soaps are for right! I resisted Scott and Charlene !!

The tearaway turned good -tick

Walking down the aisle after being paralysed-tick

Stunningly pretty pairing – tick

Tragic end- tick
My sister I just wanted to be Angel for a few years back then!!

So there are some of my fave TV couples,see I DO have a heart!!! My current  total fave couple at present is Randall and Beth from This is Us but I’m only 10 episodes or so in and scared of jinxing them.

Who are your favourite TV couple???

Anyone out of the ordinary??

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