Category Archives: TV

Affection withdrawal as an abuse tactic… conquered

I’ve waffled and whinged and whined in this blog a lot about my aversion to hugs and tactility. I’ve bored you all with my 2017 Eureka moment where finally the Ice Queen thawed and being touched no longer makes me wants to recoil in horror and turn into a statue.

What I’ve not really dealt with though is why I’m like I am .

It’s odd; life after abuse. You have so many lingering behaviours once you’ve left , even years on some habits stick (one of these days I’ll take my phone off silent mode) Some ideas still float about your head unquestioned ,until you realise that actually those ideas are not your own ideas ,they were a seed another person planted in your head so gently that you took them and everything that grew from them on as your own but they never ever were yours. Sometimes one day , everything clicks into place and you realise that your behaviour still mirrors that of that abused woman ,and then…well then you have the power to get rid of it .

I had a bit of a Eureka moment like that over this week. I know where my hatred of affection came from , I know why I’m like I am and now I do I can banish it for good.

When I met the man who abused me I was going through a tough time , I was vulnerable . I must have been a gift to him! Now I’ve never really been a hugger ,that I can’t say is down to anything other than I’m not naturally a tactile person. He came along though and showered me with affection. At that low point in my life I soaked it up. Cuddling , touching, all the affection and compliments and kind words and gestures wrapped me up completely. I liked it , I liked being the focus of all this love and I was flattered .

Over time emotional abuse became the norm . I was manipulated and coerced into behaving a certain way. He was charming and I am a people pleaser so it probably wasn’t that much hard work to get me to do as he wished. However on one occasion I resisted . I didn’t play along with his games . I stood my ground and didn’t give in . I can’t even remember what it was that was the issue now but that day he withdrew affection and kindness and compliments and they never returned. Those strokes of the arms as he passed me , the hand squeezes that I’d relied on ,am arm around me or a peck on the cheek all disappeared immediately along with compliments and encouraging words (even only now as I write this do I realise why I hate compliments too)

As I mentioned above I am a people pleaser by nature and I’d grown to like the affection he had lavished me with. He had already done enough ground work on my head to ensure that the affection withdrawal would have the desired affect. It did. Then you see I was always striving to get that back. I was doing anything he wanted to try and pull back the affection , only now I was so very grateful for the tiniest scrap of approval he only need offer the occasional hand on the shoulder or feeble words of praise to make me feel better. I was altering my behaviour and character to get this guy to go back to his love bombing of the beginning . I was absolute putty in his hand , easily moulded to be exactly what he wanted at any given time.

I think we’re joining dots now to find out why I then became the girl that hated hugs and affection and touching. I always knew it had to be a defensive thing and it absolutely was. In my mind I could never again give anyone that kind of power ,that hold over me . I couldn’t settle in to enjoy affection because I knew how horrific it was to have it removed.

Years away from toxic relationships , therapy and this blog though have been my trio of weaponry against the damage done mentally. They’re pretty solid too these days. I talked here last week about my need for patience and yes I do absolutely need that understanding and trust if I’m going to be close to people , physically and emotionally.

You know what though ?Around someone I trust , who has proven themselves to be consistent and worth that trust and whose company I can totally relax in I DO like hugs . I like hand holding and little kisses to the face and my hair stroked. Physical contact is a primal human need and I’d deprived myself of that for way too long .

Kate on thin ice

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Valentine’s Day…. TV’s best couples

I’m a Valentine’s Day Grinch , everyone knows this . However to enter into the season of love and romance I have to concede that there are people out there in the world who make my chilly little heart melt ,who I am hugely emotionally invested in and almost….just very nearly make me believe in this love stuff!! Yep! People off the telly?

Can I share???

Amy and Rory  (Doctor Who)

Oh….talk about devotion! The boy who waited. Our boy Rory is so hopelessly in love with Amy whilst feeling that he’s not really worthy. He’s insecure of Amy and The Doctor’s relationship , believing The Doctor is way more worthy a man for Amy than he is. Except Amy does love him absolutely wholeheartedly and when it comes to the crunch chooses Rory over The Doctor. I should think so too after Rory -the last centurion-the boy who waited sat waiting for Amy for 1894 years outside the Pandorica. I have seen the Pond’s final episode dozens of time , but this last scene still has me crying my little eyes out 

Barney and Robin (How I Met Your Mother)

Oh HIMYM you teased us …. you led us right up the garden path with this one. Robin and Barney the pair of commitment phobes  , fell for one another and hard. We emotionally invested and for what?? For the scriptwriters to totally turn on this couple is what!! I loved this pairing…still not quite over it! 

Monica and Chandler Bing


Do you remember the London episode when this pair first did the deed?? We were so shocked ! (Or I certainly was!) Them attempting to keep their relationship secret was hilarious 

“Do THEY know that we know that THEY know”

The proposal is another one of my little weepfests despite having seen that episode so many times! 

Joey and Pacey

Yes I was rooting for Dawson at the off too. Honestly me mistaking the articulate,arty intelligent type for grumpy, spoilt egotists is a trait I have carried through with me waaaaayyy longer than the Dawson years!!! Even then though I could see Pacey was the better bet!!

Dr Mark Greene and Susan Lewis

Ok ok ok I know these were never a real proper couple, but my goodness they should’ve been !!! That train platform declaration was a total heart wrencher!!!

I know he ended up happy ever after with Riversong (well premature death aside!)They were just the sweetest though!

Why on earth is ER not on Netflix??

Shane and Angel

These pair??? 

Cheese fest but that’s what Australian soaps are for right! I resisted Scott and Charlene !!

The tearaway turned good -tick

Walking down the aisle after being paralysed-tick

Stunningly pretty pairing – tick

Tragic end- tick
My sister I just wanted to be Angel for a few years back then!!

So there are some of my fave TV couples,see I DO have a heart!!! My current  total fave couple at present is Randall and Beth from This is Us but I’m only 10 episodes or so in and scared of jinxing them.

Who are your favourite TV couple???

Anyone out of the ordinary??


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