All That She Wants – Blogtober20 Day 15

I am taking part in Blogtober which involves blogging everyday throughout October. Today’s prompt is All That she Wants.

Aren’t we all left wanting at the minute? In so many different ways . There are so many restrictions on our life and our normal every day normalities. I don’t know about you but I find myself fantasising about the most mundane things. daydreaming about what I’ll do when things are more normal.

So maybe I can use this post to articulate those daydreams…all the things that I want.

I want to see my sister

I’ve chatted much and often about how ace my sister is , how much I love her and much of a fantastic human she is. I’m not giving her anymore airtime she’ll get big headed. I last saw her in March when we had a brilliant day out in Manchester to celebrate her birthday , and as things stand at the minute any future plans we try to make have to come with a massive side order of “fingers crossed”

Bottomless brunch with little sis…..

Extra special mention here goes to obviously I also want to see my niece and nephews , my brother , my in laws ….. Hull itself !!!

I want to go to the theatre

I want to go to the theatre sooooooo much. Going to the theatre is my ultimate treat. That can be Matilda with the girls to see a massive production. Could be a super cool date to see a super cool show . Or way more likely than both of those things, a solo date to the theatre on my own to one of my favourite little Manchester theatres. Going to the theatre on my own is a treat for the soul. I’ve seen so many amazing shows at these places and I so miss it. Autumn is such a lovely theatre time for me usually . Head into Manchester , wander round the Christmas Markets take myself out for dinner then off to the theatre to see a play or a show.

Hope Mill Theatre , Manchester. A real hidden gem

I want to be able to be spontaneous

I want to suggest cocktails in town , or lunch! I want to just head out for the day with small girl without needing to think ahead to book somewhere to eat and weigh up the busyness of the trains , and do we have masks and anti bac etc? I like plans to a degree but I also like the freedom to just do!

I want to do my traditional year highlights

The afore mentioned Christmas markets small girl and I have done every year for the last decade. a big , exciting tradition. Doing something sociable for Halloween be that attending an event or having people over. Bonfire night too!

On a non mum level I missed Edinburgh festival this year for the first time in 3 . I’ll let you in on a secret , even the first year I did that , all on my own it became a highlight and I knew I’d want to return every year. I don’t know if it’ll happen next year or not but small girl fancies coming along too if it does!

I miss you Fringe programme…

I don’t want to get too whingey and miserable. I understand there’s things we all want to do at the moment that we simply can’t. So I’m going to try to embrace what we can do. We can hang out as a family , we can go out for dinner in an organised and forward thinking manner.

We also have Christmas on the horizon…I can say with absolute certainty that it is going to get ALL my attention and devotion. Hobbycraft is still open and I’ve finally gotten around to getting a Pinterest account so that’s something to focus my attention on !!

I Should be so Lucky!

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I Should be so Lucky was a prompt from last year’s Blogtober, the challenge to write each day in October.

It was, I think, a given that of course I would write about my lifelong love for Ms Minogue and a tale of how what started as a really awful day turned into possibly the happiest evening of my life!

I was a neighbours fan as a kid. My sister and I used to love it, Home and Away too. In fact we loved that Australian drama so much in school hols sometimes we’d treat outselves and watch both the lunchtime and teatime showings. I digress, apologies. The wedding, the greatest wedding of all time can’t even imagine how many times I’ve seen that. I think back in the day I had it videoed. 7 year old me fell in love and it has been a love ever lasting.

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I had this album on tape. I remember because the actual tape had a kink in it somewhere in je ne sais pas pourquoi so it went all wibbly and whenever I hear that song now I expect it to do the same!!

Especially for You was the first record I ever bought. I know you’re really meant to make up something cool but I can’t do that to our Kyles. By the time I Should be so Lucky came along our love was sealed. 7 year old me was eager to share this love with her family. My dad told me Pah.. Kylie.. she won’t last two minutes! Now I’m not saying I’m one to like being proven right, but my dad died 25 years ago and I still wish I could tell him she’s still very much around now dad. Told you!!!

Now as a grown woman it’s actually cool to be into Kylie, everyone loved her rocking Glastonbury! Everyone looks at her in the same way as I do (like the loveheart eyes emoji if you’re wondering)

I’m a woman who hasn’t really had an awful lot of adventures. I had babies and a few of them in my early 20’s so I didn’t really get to do all the partying and holidaying and festivalling (I’m working up to all that now the kids are older) I’ve not been to an awful lot of gigs. Then a new Kylie tour was announced for 2018!! She was coming to Manchester and I was a grown up now I could buy tickets to see her if I liked! I was rabid excited, asked around see who wanted to come with me (big fat no one) That’s OK, no accounting for taste. I am Kelly, Queen of the solo date I’ll go on my own… Eeek only a year to wait for it to come around.

It came around, there was weeks left to go… I had my Kylie playlist pretty much on repeat 24/7. Then the biggest mental health crash of my life came about. It was always going to happen, always a case of when than if. I couldn’t go to Kylie, no way. I couldn’t go into a big crowded place, I couldn’t have fun. No way not a chance. Kylie day came round and I just sat, sad and miserable.

My mental health is a fragile thing but it’s always dependable in the way it always gets better. It got better, much better. Things that had laid dormant and raw for years and now been processed and dealt with, trauma quietened. It happened again. A big glittery announcement, a new Kylie tour and this time it was her greatest hits. Her. Greatest. Hits. The 8 year old in me briefly wondered if we could get our hair permed again for the concert (hey we rocked the perm in 1988 what’s stopping us? ) That idea briefly cast aside tickets to see her in Edinburgh… at the actual castle no less were bought and… yeah.. just a year to wait..

Kylie day came around! It didn’t start well. I overslept, I couldn’t find my make up bag and I left my bank card in Manchester Piccadilly. Was I just doomed? Were things always going to stop me seeing her? I was late but I made it, tummy butterflies the whole journey. A bit grumpy about the disastrous morning but it was Kylie day, put the playlist on and cheer up. It was a gorgeous day I had a lovely summery dress on (a very glittery Kylie esque one to change into for the gig!!!) Walking through Edinburgh super super excited, the sun was shining it was Kylie day!! There was all of a sudden a bit of a chill in the air though, I felt really cold. A glance down to discover said lovely dress had burst open flashing the whole of Edinburgh my undies!! Oh give me a break, can anything else go wrong. My chivalrous companion got me a drink sat me down and staved off a breakdown as he hurried off to get safety pins and save my blushes and I held my dress together like an absolute loon. Thinking back now I just smile at how badly my day was going at the time I just felt doomed.

It goes without saying Kylie was phenomenal. Pretty sure our eyes met in a really meaningful way once or twice and I don’t think I’ve ever felt the joy that was tens of thousands of people singing Kylie and just loving their lives in that moment. I kept catching the person I was with sneaking glances at me in the way you do when you take the kids to see something you know they’re going to love so you can’t take your eyes off their excited happy faces! Only I was a 39 year old woman but probably excitable as a kid. So it turned out I wasn’t doomed to never see Kylie. The woman I had spent a good 30 years in love with. The opposite of doomed in fact. I’m not really a everything happens for a reason kind of a person. However being there, On a Night Like This blasting out as the sun set over the gorgeous Edinburgh Castle. That did feel like the most perfect of moments that ever could have been.

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I’m the lamest and I love it!

She drives me crazy Blogtober20- Day 6

It’s October and I’m very excited to be taking part in Blogtober 2020 which involves blogging everyday through October using prompts.

Today’s prompt is She Drives Me Crazy

Oh and she does , she drives me sooooo crazy !

Who?

The woman in my head who causes me so many problems .

The anxious woman.

The hypervigilant woman.

The self loathing woman.

The woman whose past trauma manifests as 4d nightmares and a fear of loud noise.

She drives me absolutely up the wall!

Ordinarily on a day to day basis I am not her . I’m relaxed and happy and smiley. I’m healthy and I’m calm and I’m focussed . The real Kelly !! The one I quite like . The one who likes chattering away about nonsense and taking herself out for solo theatre dates . She’s the best version of my me there is . I always say that people get the best version of me when I’m relaxed and it’s true.

However all my mental health issues need me not to be relaxed so they can thrive there in my brain and make a nuisance of themselves .

I have ptsd which causes hypervigilance , sounds like a superpower doesn’t it ?? It kind of is I guess , I’m always on the ball keeping an eyeout for danger !! Only when I’m in that vigilant state EVERYTHING is danger . I perceive danger at every turn. In a crowded pub I can hear a an argument take a certain turn of tone and that’s it I’m done and need to leave .

My anxiety also needs me to be on edge and worried in order to thrive ! If it wants to do its favourite trick of convincing that I’m going to faint in public (added not being able to breathe or swallow if its a particularly cruel bout) , None of these horrible , scary feelings would come about if I was relaxed and feeling settled and all zen.

Although anxious , stress , on edge , dizzy , oversensitive to noise , sensing danger at every turn me does indeed drive me crazy. So crazy , I’m kind of used to her now you know!! Really bad flare ups are generally pretty rare these days thankfully and I have lots of techniques in place to calm the anxiety , to deal with the nightmares and to make myself bloody breathe properly.

I learned a while ago to accept my mental health wobbles and it’s so much easier to like yourself more once you do I think!

So she drives me crazy , but I’m content to have her around these days !

This Is Me! Blogtober20 Day 1

It’s October and I’m very excited to be taking part in Blogtober 2020 which involves blogging everyday through October using prompts.

Todays prompt is This Is Me , so here are 10 facts about me !

I AM A BLOGGER

Yeah , zero points for the woman stating the obvious. I’ve kind of forgotten myself lately though. I began my blog as a anonymous blog talking about my life after escaping an abusive relationship. My blog has evolved over the last 7 (what? how’s it been that long) years though and now my emphasis is on finding yourself once the children are growing up and remembering or discovering who you are without the mum tag.

I AM A DECEMBER BABY

As such I shall bemoan the disparity between those of us who are totally swindled by our December birthdays and the rest of the population forever !!! Joint birthday /Christmas celebrations , presents and cards are just such a con. I know we can’t compete with Jesus on the special birthday front but spare us a thought!

I AM TRAINING FOR A MARATHON

Anyone who follows me on social media will already be bored silly of me going on about it . Trust me , I am a bit fed up of it myself ! It was meant to have been done by now . I’d been training to run the Manchester Marathon in April 2020 , covid spoilt those plans and the marathon was moved to October 2020…then to April 2021 and now we’re looking at October 2021. I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist but feels like this is all a big con to keep me having to train and keep fit instead of sitting on my bum eating chips ….and I really love sitting on my bum eating chips!!

I LOVE DOCTOR WHO

I have seen my favourite episodes , gotta be hundreds of times ! My decision on who the best Doctor has been changes according to my mood and which episode I’ve just seen (currently Capaldi!) There is a Who episode to suit every mood if I need to laugh or cry or feel hopeful or uplifted I have a whole spectrum to choose from. I’m very grateful I had a little boy when it made its comeback or it would have likely totally passed me by , and THEN where would I have gone for a therapeutic weep!

This year I got the dress of dreams , hands down my most favourite thing I’ve ever bought !! With a cool necklace to go with. LOOK….. *sighs with happiness *

The photographer took her job waaayyy too seriously here (she’s 12!)

I HAVE A FISH PHOBIA

Shudder …even the thought of the slimy swimmy little things has me on edge !!!

They send shivers down me swimming about , I daren’t paddle in the sea in case one touches me , I can’t go to aquariums , I have to be on high alert in Pets at Home !! just horrid!

I also have never eaten fish ( you’d think I’d be happier with them once they were dead wouldn’t you ?) No , still as offensive to me ! Happy with my chips plain thanks no need for battered fish corpse on the side !

I LOVE A SOLO DATE

I wrote all about my love of a date for one here Reasons everyone should have a ‘date night’…on their own! and I stand by it now (even though I’ve some pretty amazing dates with a plus one lately!) There’s just something freeing about a night out where you get to be super selfish and not taking anyone else into consideration! Also I’m a pretty good date it turns out!

I AM A TOTAL BOOKWORM

Now the kids are all getting older and time in my presence is no longer the fun goals it once was I have a very odd thing called ……spare time!!! I know! I know! if you’ve small children you never think you’re going to see this ever again but it’s in your future I promise! I’m currently reading More Than A Woman by Caitlin Moran and enjoying it a lot . My favourite book of the year so far is a gorgeous book called A Love Story for Bewildered Girls by Emma Morgan.

I AM A SINGLE MUM OF 4

I have 2 boys , 2 girls . Well I say boys they’re 20 and 18 and the girls are 17 and 12. I’ve been a single mum for almost 13 years and it’s been a wild ride ! Currently we’re just recalibrating after son number 2 heartlessly abandoned us for uni!

I HAVE A PENCHANT FOR ODD CRUSHES

I don’t think them odd by the way , it’s everyone else who questions my taste ! Everyone has one weird crush eh ? Just all mine are – as documented

Ah so I’ve some weird crushes…

My weird crushes (part 2)

Think I need a part 3 actually , I need a safe space to chat about my recent Ed Milliband thing …

I’M A BIT OBSSESSIVE

I have no middle ground , it’s so odd. I either love something to absolute death (see Doctor Who) or I really couldn’t care less . Very much all or nothing kind of attitude ! Happens with people too I either find someone fascinating and want to know everything there possibly is to know about them , I want to inhale their soul….or yeah not bothered *shrugs shoulders *

So that’s me , in a nutshell.

Love Doctor Who and books

Hate fish !

hmmm could have saved myself a few hundred words there eh ?

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