Monthly Archives: September 2019

The big 4-0 …

I have 2 and a half months left in my 30’s.

Oooo that does sound a big deal now I’ve written it down !

When I was younger I wasn’t mad keen on turning 30 yet here I am looking 40 directly in the eye ….and I’m excited for it !

I wrote a few years back about how getting older isnt so bad and I’m still in that headspace really. My life has turned out very different than I ever would have planned as a teenager. Back then at nearly 40 I’d have imagined I’d be Prime Minister by now . I had huge ambitions and grand plans to change the world .

I was a pretty dull teen really ,never did all the fun naughty stuff ! In my teenage years I lost both my parents so I guess maybe in hindsight the teenage years were never going to be a life highlight for me .

My twenties were spent pregnant and child rearing . 3 babies under 3 by the time I was 24 meant the most extreme tiredness I’d ever known. I wasn’t away at university doing that politics degree teenage me had planned .I had to adapt my plans and make them a little more family friendly. 3 under 3 was tiring but there was also something fun about it . The elder 3 all similar ages and into similar stuff. We had fun I think. Sometimes amongst the chaos fun was had , I hope they think so too. I hope their memories aren’t clouded by shattered mum being a bit grumpy or noise and too much having to share . I remember one year making Christmas cards for people and us sat in a little conveyor line of glue and glitter and sticking and sparkle . The memory makes me smile .I hope they have some of that too.

The majority of my 20s were also spent in the abusive relationship. Trying to be invisible , trying not to take up any space ,trying to not draw any attention to myself. Stifled and sore and scared . I think probably your twenties should be when you learn who you are a bit and when you begin to develop as a person . Only I had to do the opposite of that and undo who I was to try and placate him. I had to dismantle all the bits that made me me that he found annoying and try to rebuild into someone he liked , that he approved of (Of course I now know I could never have changed into what he wanted as what he wanted would have always changed. I would never , no matter what I did , be good enough in his eyes )

I left before I was 30 , I had another baby in the mix, was living in a brand new town away from home , away from everyone I loved bar these 4 little people . More unexpected events.More things that didn’t fit with my teen plans.

My 30’s were spent rebuilding.

It took way longer and was way harder than I ever would have thought. There were still toxic voices in my life and it took years to realise that I could silence them.

Thirties was hard but I know myself now. I can decipher between what I was told I was by hateful voices and what’s actually true.

So here , approaching 40 I think there’ll be even more self discovery and things I can learn about who I am. I look forward to embracing them and testing myself and just pushing to find out what I’m capable of.

Parenting is strange once the kids get older. You find yourself with all this time. Time you’d have thought back in the chaotic days you’d ever see again . So that timing along with approaching 40 just feels like the hugest of opportunities! I always said when I turn 40 I want to run a marathon. When I turn 40 I want to see new places . When I turn 40 I will be finished writing that bloody book!!

That’s exciting!!

I can’t wait to meet 40 *

*Disclaimer should I actually have a huge I’m 40 meltdown when my birthday comes around can someone please direct me to this post !! Thanks !

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3 Little Buttons

So now where do I fit ?

Soooooo here I am , back blogging and I cannot tell you what a relief it is . Sounds a bit nuts but I need this . It’s such a huge aid to good mental health and creativity (in the loosest sense of the world )is good for well-being right?

I wrote earlier in the week about my extended break and how I came to realise the days of the parenting blog were behind me . I’m sure there’ll be the very occasional post mentioning the kids because how could there not be? If I’m writing about my life they’re going to feature but they’re no longer the focus. It’s not fair on them to share their business and to be quite frank they’re pretty low on material these days , busy working or getting an education!! Not the comedy gold they once were!

So in this big old blogging world I now have a slight identity crisis . Where do I fit ?

Can I still (virtually) hang out with the parent bloggers?? I hope so , those guys are the best . They are where are the giggles and the wine is ! I think I’m going to have to just wildly hang on to their coat tails as I simply don’t fit anywhere else.

I can’t be a lifestyle blogger ! Have you seen the state of my Instagram?? Lifestyle bloggers have pics of themselves in their huge , gorge pristine kitchens draped over their fridges like Kim K . Yesterday I posted a pen lid I found in my cleavage ! (I’m here by the way should that kind of ground breaking content float your boat) Lifestyle bloggers are groomed and have beautiful clothes . I’ve currently my hair tied up because I stupidly thought it had another day in it before it needed washing and am sporting a Harry Potter nightshirt with mismatched pj bottoms. If I did an OOTD it’d read like a jumble sale . Yeah I just wouldn’t fit in there.

Travel bloggers – maybe I could join them. I’m 40 this year and now the kids are getting older I’ve plans to have some adventures. See places I never have (I’ve seen nowhere . I went to Kos once that’s the extent of my travels) . I am going to fix that though and I do have plans . Maybe one day I can join those guys , but not yet. I don’t think the jetsetters chatting of their trips to Tibet would welcome me discussing my trip to Aldi and debating which of the two Aldis in my vicinity is the better one (it’s the smaller one , they changed everything around in the bigger one and confused me) So maybe not travel bloggers just yet.

Oooo FOOD , maybe I can be a food blogger. Write about what you know , that’s what they say eh ? I know food. Food is one of my favourite things ever. I could definitely do this . Except , I’m a bit fussy and stuck in my ways. I’m one of those annoying people who go to the same places and order the same thing every time. I’m also the holder of many food ‘quirks’ shall we say . I cannot abide sharing platters -do.not eat off the same plate as me , do not let plates with something on I don’t like touch mine and no actually nearly 40 I may be but if my meal arrives with something on the side I don’t like I cannot pick it off .Dinner is ruined , I bid you good day !!!

Yeah food is off and I can’t do a cooking or craft blog because all the cooking and crafting talent in this house comes from the kids.

I could be an interior blogger , all chalky paint and feature walls .

*Looks around the house * yeah nah let’s leave that one .

Ok well I guess I’ve never had a niche with my blog . Even though I’d say it would be predominantly parenting based I have a tendency to go off on a tangent. I get distracted easily. I’ve never been a blogger to write certain times on certain days (even though I know that’s what we’re supposed to do ) I write when an idea hits that I just need to get from my head to the screen . Sometimes it’s parenting related , sometimes feminist ,sometimes mental health and often domestic abuse.

If I have a theme at all from now it’s going to be – woman fast approaching 40 who has spent half her life child rearing and is now ready to do some of the things she missed by having children so young whilst being so grateful for her amazing little family who are all starting to stretch their wings without her .

Not a very ‘gram -able hashtag that though is it ?!!

Find me on Facebook  Twitter and Insta to see where I get to on this new journey!!

3 Little Buttons
Musings Of A Tired Mummy

 

Reclaiming my voice

Friends I’ve got to be honest with you . I thought this blog was dead . There was no funeral or fond farewell or even so much as a goodbye but it had faded to black . Fellow bloggers will know that feeling when inspiration hits and you think “ooo that would make a good blog ” This was still happening to me , my draft folder is full to bursting. When I sat down to write the blog though , to turn an idea into to a few hundred words it just wasn’t happening for me .

Type a sentence.

Re read it.

Find a problem with it.

Delete it .

And repeat…..

My lack of blog action for once though was not a result of the dreaded bloggers block.

It was worse than that.

I’d begun to write for someone else , or maybe more I’d begun to read my blog AS someone else.

Last year my blog was discovered by people who really didn’t like how I told my story. When you cover domestic abuse and toxic relationships , well I guess if people recognise themselves in the stories you tell they’re not going to like it.

I’ve always been super careful to not focus on the perpetrators of my abuse in this blog. It’s not a vendetta against any man perceived as ever having done me wrong. I think those of you who’ve read a while and in fact anyone who flicked through old posts can pick up on that. I hope so anyway. This isn’t about them. It’s about me , and all of you who identify. That’s who I tell my story for .

Knowing people had found it though , and been pretty vocal in telling me altered my mindset . I was over analysing every sentence, every word. What would they think to that? Do I want them to know what I’ve been doing ? Is that sentence provocative to them? I’d write things and not dare press publish. I’d have ideas I daren’t elaborate on.

My blog began because it was therapeutic to get the jumble of thoughts whizzing around my head onto the page. May sound dramatic but not being able to , or feeling this huge sense of self censorship did impact negatively on my mental health. This is my safe space , my tiny corner of the internet to talk, to exercise my voice. Only my voice was now silenced .

Just as it was when I was involved in those toxic relationships.

So friends , we’re back ! Me and my voice ready to blog the shit out of life (and given the current state of affairs in this country hardly like I have no inspiration)

Daydreams of a Mum is going to head along a new path though. The parenting blog, I think, has run its course. My elder children are 19,17 and 16 even the little one is 11. There are no cute toddler stories here ,no first day of school tips , no potty training wisdom.

Instead my new focus is going to be on finding out who you are once the kids get that bit older . Rediscovering yourself ,and the adventures you are freer to have when you don’t need to lug a change bag and a buggy around. Rediscovering your identity after so many years of simply being mum . I’m turning 40 too this year which is adding to my need to find myself I think.

Of course you guys know my propensity for going off on a tangent so expect domestic abuse posts , mental health posts , current affairs and my crazy crushes too.

Mainly though let’s go on this journey to find out what’s left over of you after 20 years of parenting and which parts of you haven’t even been unearthed yet.

It’s going to be quite the adventure.

I hope you’ll come along !

Kelly xxx

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