Here we are again…

This blog started as as anonymous blog .

My first ever blog post was entitled 5 years later . 5 years after I’d left the abusive relationship. No one really read it , I didn’t write it expecting anyone would. It was just therapeutic for me to get the whizzing thoughts out of my head onto the page , onto the screen .

We’re many more years on now .

That date is still on the horizon though . Many years later maybe I should call this post??

I want this to be full of positivity , how you can get out of that situation,how you can be free , how you can have a happy life if you’re currently living with abuse . You can too .

This year for me though has been a bit different. I’ve had to accept that damage done all those years ago doesn’t necessarily stay buried . That once you conquer this freedom thing it’s not all easy . That’s it’s not all up up up from there .

This year I’ve had to confront the fact that I’ve been (probably irreversibly ) damaged by abusive and toxic relationships.

That these relationships have had huge impacts on my mental health and still do .

That I am forever changed by what happened to me .

That other people got to shape who I am now no matter how much I resent it.

It’s tough to take . It’s hard to accept but you know what? I do accept it . I embrace it .

My mental health is susceptible to wobbles , my self confidence can be damaged , my life can be a chaotic mess.

So this wobbly , damaged mess . Well I kind of have to own it .

You see this year has been tricky but I’ve also continued to grow.

When I left the abuse the hardest thing I found was that I naively thought when I left I’d all of a sudden snap back to being the girl before him. I got so frustrated with myself that I carried all the damage with me and never managed to shake it off . I just wanted to drop every hang up and shake off every bad habit I’d picked up .

HOWEVER . ……Many years later ….

Many years later I can stand to be hugged .

Many years later I feel I am able to give my opinion without fear.

Many years later I can wear whatever I like even those skirts that make me look ‘fat’

Many years later we can celebrate birthdays without fear of consequence.

Many years later I can leave the house when I want to return when I want

Many years later I can write this blog , which people have told me helped them and what a bloody honour is that?

Many years later I can tell the truth about what happened in those dark times .

Many years later I can trust friends and get close to people emotionally.

Many years later I can sleep in the same bed as a man and not need to neurotically sleep at the door side of the bed …

In the same way many years later I can be in a space and not plan an escape route the second I enter a room .

Many years later I can breathe .

So yes it’s been a tougher year than these updates usually are , I’ve felt like I’ve gone through abuse all-over again at times .

Many years later though …..many years later I am here and not there and I can’t think of anything more important than that .

We develop a survival technique , women like us . We may forever appear insane to those who don’t understand . We’ll probably always be on the edge of a wobble or a stumble . We’re also resilient and strong and no matter where you are on your personal journey ,I hope you know that.

You rock

Xxx

If Father’s Day makes you feel bad

My track record with Father’s isn’t great .

My own is dead , I do not live in a nuclear family with either of my childrens’ .

Father’s Day then can be pretty tough.

I’m sure some of you can identify.

Those of us without a dad around to cook for , or take for dinner or spoil well it hurts . Even if years have passed ,like they have for me ,the emails shooting in your inbox advising us to spoil our dad ,get him the perfect gift , take him for the perfect day out ? They sting a bit . I’m not going to spend the day crying in a corner with grief . I’m not going to weep seeing people on social media putting posts on about how fab their dad is. In fact I like them , they make me happy and make me smile. Not having parents doesn’t make me resent other people having that (most of the time !)

We’ll all think of our dads I’m sure. Maybe tell a tale or two.

Some of you may have never known your dad ,again Father’s Day must sting a bit.

Some people may have had a terrible father – absent, abusive , estranged . You may see happy families everywhere you look and wonder why you never got to have that. Feel sad that you’ve not had this relationship through no fault of your own. I hope if that’s you you have other people in your lives who have stood by you , supported you , loved you .

Mums who aren’t with the fathers of their children . Having to feign delight at the kids best dad EVER cards , having to help them make lovely gifts and cards resenting your time spent doing this . Doing it for the kids through gritted teeth. Passive aggressively weighing up whether to equal your rubbish Mother’s day gift for shitness (Mr Grumpy socks anyone) or whether to rise above it , be a bigger person .

To mums whose children’s dads simply are not part of their lives , treat yourselves . It’s tricky when you are all people to your child , breaks are hard to come by. Pencil in 10 mins with a trashy mag or a long bubble bath when the kids are in bed if that’s possible. You’re doing an amazing job in tough circumstances and you rock!

Mums in abusive relationships with their children’s fathers. Being expected to run around after him and serve him even more than usual. Whose presents will not ever be good enough , whose meals will be mocked and thrown at the wall , whose efforts and attempts to create one day of calm will never ever work. Well I just hope you get through it .

To all these people , it’s just one day. Father’s Day at least . Get through it however you need to . Be kind to yourselves . Stay away from social media if that helps or enjoy other people sharing the love . You know what works best for you .

To all the fab dads out there …. have a fab day of being celebrated and spoilt …even if that means being woken up at the crack of dawn by overexcited kids desperate to hand over their gifts !!

See you on the other side !!

Xxx

The People Puzzle

Check me out – actually blogging , like an actual blogger !! I’ve been lame recently ,well for a while now. I thought this blog had probably come to the end of its natural life. I’d deleted WordPress from my phone. Had stopped promoting posts , joining in with the linkies I love and just finished . People had come across my blog , people who don’t like what I have to say, people who are part of the story I tell and didn’t like the way I told it. It quietened me a little and made me self censor and if I’m going to censor my own thoughts this blog becomes redundant really. ANYWAY I missed my blog and everything about it . Seems when you use something as an outlet for your thoughts and then you stop ,all those thoughts stay whizzing about in your head and that’s no good for anyone .

So thats my explanation for being missing in action , shall I get on with what I wanted to talk about now ??

I always thought myself a fairly antisocial person. That I wasn’t keen on people as a whole and that my own company was much better than people en masse and really I was a happy little hermit .

What I definitely am though is a little lacking in the old self awareness.

Dealing with toxic people has altered my mindset over the years. When the elder 3 were little I went years without real adult social interaction as we all do , an abusive relationship was isolating as they are , low self esteem added to the mix made me think I didn’t really need ‘people’ in my life , I wasn’t used to it and I didn’t miss it.

I must take the time here to say that I still and always will crave and love my own company. Dinner and theatre alone is the ultimate treat. I will forever be an advocate of the solo date , you can read why here .

What I was missing though when I believed I was better avoiding social situations was the concept of choice.

No I don’t want to be around people who drain me ,I wrote about drains and radiator type people and I absolutely stand by that. I don’t want to be around people who make me feel crap. I don’t want to be around dementor type people who suck your soul dry of any joy or happiness . For years and years I did do this . I spent time around these people . Out of habit , out of duty , out of simply struggling to say no .

No wonder I wasn’t a fan of people.

More recently though I’ve learnt to be much more choosy . Our spare time is so very precious isn’t it ? It’s probably the resource we are most lacking in most of the time. Its a pretty crazy thing to do then isn’t it to sacrifice this precious thing on people who don’t deserve it.

To anyone else who suffers from this affliction , who finds themselves spending time and money in social situations having a thoroughly miserable time because they didn’t feel able to say no . I cannot recommend more enthusiastically The Good Girl’s Guide To Being A D*ck by Alexandra Reinwarth (totally not an ad by the way ,just a recommendation from one doormat to potentially another )

Anyway,I digress (that’s absolutely the title of my autobiography by the way) Choice , that’s the key for me now when it comes to people and socialising . A huge revelation for me recently has been how much I absolutely love socialising with people who I like , who like me in return !! Seems so simple doesn’t it ? Spending time with people who enhance your life or make you happy to be around ? Hopefully you do the same for them. I’m sure there are people for whom I’m that person they should discard . If I am I hope they do. That simple concept though , when put into practice really IS that simple .

Of course there are draining, negative people sometimes who you are stuck with , again the book I mentioned earlier has some great advice on how to deal with that instance.

I’ve had a sociable few weeks ,took a trip with that handsome man , spent some time with some fave people in my fave place . Made me sickeningly happy . One of my other fave people got married and just spending the whole day with fantastic people just made my soul happy.

Doesn’t sound like someone who hates people does it ? It’s more the behaviour of someone who avoided EVERYONE to avoid the company of toxic people. Daft decision in hindsight. The people who make my heart happy make my heart REALLY happy.

A favourite blogger of mine Enda wrote a post a few weeks ago that I really identified with about how introverts are extroverts when they’re relaxed . It’s here , give it a look . Well that’s me . I don’t dislike people.

Turns out I just dislike people who make me feel rubbish….I think that’s fair enough really!!