Monthly Archives: September 2017

When did you stop holding my hand?

On our walk to school last week small girl slipped her hand into mine as she was enthusiastically chattering about Masterchef and skipping along.

At that moment I realised that she’d stopped doing that. That what used to be an automatic response to put her hand out to hold mine had stopped.

I don’t know when it stopped, I don’t remember it happening but it had.

It made me a little sad to think that all these little habits of a younger girl were now lost , grown out of by an increasingly older girl . I can’t remember when she stopped asking for comics or when she stopped asking me to tuck her in ‘super super tight ‘ but she has. 

I wrote a while back about I’d miss all her little behaviours. It’s just here . Now one by one they’re disappearing.

On that same walk to school small girl told me in articulate , expressive detail all about how the Northern Lights were causing whales to beech themselves. I didn’t know anything about this (thank you Newsround for filling her little brain with so much knowledge) It really made me smile that she’d heard all about that and was interested and wanted to share it with me.

In the same way I’ve finally stopped whining , most of the time , about the teens growing up I think I need to the same here.

This little girl who is so interested in the world around her is developing interests and passions that the younger her wouldn’t have on the same way. I think I may have an eco warrior on my hands.

Her absolute passion for cookery means what was once rice crispy cakes has become her ability to make a roast dinner with the minimum of help from me. Her Yorkshire puddings are honestly the yummiest and put to shame her Yorkshire girl mums pathetic efforts.

Her insistence on plating up as a work of art leaves us all with teeny portions (she’s watched too many Michelin starred chefs programmes) 

It’s slightly concerning that rather than call out that dinner is on the table she shouts “service ” but we like quirky here!!

She’s begun to draw a lot , she’s always been creative but her art has brand new qualities to it . A little different to the cute little cat pictures she used to draw a few years ago.

Her book choice has changed , ever the bookworm I unfortunately can’t remember the last time Hugless Douglas got a read but we’ve been reading Little Women together of late , one of my all time favourites .

So I’ll not moan too much about my littlest girl growing into a lovely 9 year old. She’s taking me along with her on her new adventures and I couldn’t feel luckier about that 

Just hold my hand from time to time small girl….



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This parenting lark has a cruel twist…

Whilst I was away in Edinburgh discovering myself and being the most self indulgent I’ve ever been – my children were growing up without me.

So there I was in Edinburgh , aware of course that the elder 3’s dads wedding was taking place at the same time. In fact I chose to go away those dates purposefully so I wasn’t at home brooding resentfully .

I was sat in a cute little tea shop , scribbling in my notebook watching the world go by when my phone beeped.

This popped up on the screen:

 

Firstly I was shocked.There’s a distinct possibility my mouth was open and I was sporting the look my sister calls my ‘dozy face’

Just look at those beautiful young people.

They’re not those tiny babies I once had .

They’re not the toddlers that meant I didn’t sleep for 3 years.

They’re not the pre-schoolers I spent time teaching to read and write so terrified I was that they’d be behind otherwise.

They’re not those little children I scooped up and ran away with , changing all of our lives forever.

This girl is not my hoody loving girl who hasn’t worn a dress in a decade:

(Though the second she came back she reverted to hoody girl to my relief)

They’re grown , rounded , amazing , sociable people.

Then an awful thought struck me.
I’m on borrowed time.

I’ve had these amazing people in my life for so long. I’ve been the one allowed to attempt to raise and guide them and ensure I put good people out into the world.

Obviously at this point I’m the teary woman in the tea shop (thank goodness for hidden corners)

Having a post weekend thought dump on my Facebook page over the weekend I kind of worked out where the shock and the sadness came from.

You see the end game of this parenting lark is quite a cruel one. The main objective after all the blood sweat and (soooo many )tears is to have raised children who no longer need you. Who can survive and thrive independently. That’s pretty hard to take. 

I think it’ll be ok though.

Back when I was a mum of 3 under 3 an old lady at a bus stop looked at the hormonal,sleep deprived woman and though it was ok to tell her that she didn’t know how people could bring children into such a terrible world.  I jumped straight on the defensive and told her maybe if I raised good people they could get out there and change it a little for the better .

I think maybe I’ve done just that!



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Mission Mindfulness

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Rhyming with Wine




”tammymum”


I found myself !! (She was in a theatre in Edinburgh all along)

Ok , I’ll level with you here. This is going to be a bit of an egocentric post. It’s probably going to also read like an X Factor sob story! Talk of a journey and everything!! Flying Without Wings should really be playing in the background!!….. I’ll keep it short??Deal???

A while ago I wrote about how after the abusive relationship I’d harboured an unrealistic expectation that I’d return to be the girl I was before I met him ( it’s here if you want a read

It took me years to realise this would never be the case : abuse changed me. 

That 18 year old pre-him.

She was gone.

Over the years I’ve ploughed my time into the obvious child rearing. I’d dragged them up here , least I could do is to ensure they are happy and settled (turns out children are very adaptable )

Then I had a little wobble about how the kids were getting older and didn’t need me anymore and who am I? if they don’t need me?

I wrote an identity crisis bucket list , things I wanted to do because I loved them. To try to ‘find myself’ (urgh I know, so sorry did warn you of x factor speak …though I did also say I’d keep it short I guess!)
On the list was Edinburgh Festival. Something I’d always fancied. A whole weekend of theatre ….sign me up!!
When I was alone on my trip was when I realised. I needed to prove myself to myself of all people.

I’ve shaken off how I was called fat,ugly and stupid on a daily basis during the abusive relationship. I no longer believe any of this to be true. I also no longer believe I am worthless and the worst mum. I don’t believe people cringe when I speak and I bore everyone.

I’m not bluffing either. I don’t believe those things about myself anymore. 

Yet here’s the thing. Up until this weekend I did expect that was how I was seen by others. I did worry my chat bored people silly and they found me dull and boring.That I was just that mum with a load of kids in other people’s eyes.

I spoke to so many different people last weekend though , men ,women all different ages and that worry that I was dull and had nothing to contribute never crossed my mind once. 

Then I realised, THIS is me. That real me I’d been searching for. I’m sociable and chatty and friendly. I’m not anxious about chatting to strangers ,I like it. I’m the woman absolutely in her element in a gorgeous city with lovely people with wall to wall to theatre.

That’s me

I quite like her













New (School) year resolutions…

So brand new school year….brand new mum!!! 

ARE YOU WITH ME???

CAN I GET A HELL YEAH??!!

Super efficient, highly organised and all that.

I will not forget a pe kit , a bake sale , a school trip.
I will be super mum!!!

Ok , ok , ok if you believe that you’ll believe owt! This is me we are talking about.
Of course that’s not going to happen and you know what ; I’m not even going to make those kind of promises this year. Not even to myself. It’d simply be setting myself up to fail and who wants that?

I do want to make a few little changes though. I want to improve a few things that will make this house run a little soother during term time.

Here they are:

1) My diary shall be utilised
I’m a stationery freak. Never happier then buying notebooks,pens and the like.

Come September I’ll always purchase a diary (or 4) I often use them until half term then get bored.

I do,however, think this is a resolution I can keep. I’m always scribbling away I may as well make it useful!
It may even help the co-parenting conundrum too if I know exactly what is going on and where anyone should be on any given day.

2) Meal Planning
I’ve resisted meal planning because I’m a contrary idiot. I think ‘ooo but what if chilli is down for Wednesday then I don’t fancy it that day!!’ 

See eating makes me happy. I’m worried about my dinner not being the joyous occasion it should be because I’ve been over organised.

However it’s got to be worth a try! 
Guaranteed to save time and money and ridding myself of the  ‘what shall we have for tea?’ dilemma everyday.

3) Utilise the laundry room
There are 5 of us in this family. The washing machine rarely gets a rest. Unfortunately I am a total pain in the arse for cluttering up the laundry room with stuff that isn’t laundry (recycling,shoes that no longer fit, stuff I’ll get around to giving to the charity shop eventually) 

A highly efficient laundry room can be nothing short of a blessing and that’s precisely what I plan to make it!Lick of paint , bit of storage and it shall be a hive of efficiency!

See so it’s just little resolutions I have in place. I know my limitations.
They might just help this house run a little more smoothly.
I’ll let you know by Christmas!!