I’m rubbish at verbalising my feelings. Truly rubbish . I consider myself to be a reasonably articulate woman but it ends with the feelings stuff. I could talk to you from now till the end of time about the little things , chips , Beyonce , rugby , reality TV , Doctor Foster. I can even be emotive when talking – I have on numerous occasions tried to explain a certain moment in Doctor Who to none watchers and shed tears!! I can speak passionately about feminism , domestic abuse , mental health. My deep feelings though , they are just impossible to articulate. That’s why I write this blog I suppose , I find it easier to write down how I feel , still not really easy but words , honest heartfelt words, flow better.
I’m doing Blogtober ( a month long challenge to write every day based on a prompt) Today’s prompt was Secrets. I thought , why not write down some of those feelings and thoughts I have that will never come out of my mouth. Not necessarily secret but things I never said that I have thought and people who have made a difference and I never got to tell them. Not that they’ll read this but some will (probably because I’ll tag them on FB)
*Possible slush alert klaxon*
My sister : My favourite human being on the planet . I do not know how I would get through this life nonsense without you. I admire you in so many ways and I wish I could be a bit more like you . On the shittest of shitty days I know that when I speak to you on the phone I’ll laugh , you get me like noone else and I love that I constantly honk laugh at your house cos it means I’m genuinely bloody happy!! I’m sorry I don’t get home enough but THAT I can rectify! I love you so so so much like properly love you ….Life would be unbearably grim without you in it , so stop using Doctor Google to diagnose yourself with life threatening illnesses please!!
Elder kids grandparents: Your son is a disgrace of a human. However you are the most amazing grandparents children could ever wish for. I appreciate how much you do for them , I love that you have the closest of relationships particularly as I have no parents to give them grandparents. I know that you love them as much as I do and thats powerful.You rock.
The school mum crew
Oh my , you lot!!! How did I ever get my child to school with everything she needs without you ??? I love that I don’t have to pretend I am winning at life round you , that I don’t have to don the Supermum cape and pretend to have parenting cracked when we all know I’m just winging it! You 3 are some of the strongest women I know with the most remarkable stories to tell and yet you just wave off what you’ve overcome as though it’s nothing. It’s not nothing , It’s bloody amazing and I’m really quite fond of you!!!
The women who ran The Freedom Programme I went to – You changed my life and saved my sanity . I couldn’t even say Thank you at the time as I didn’t even realise.Thank you so much.
Dr H – Who was one step ahead of the trauma that was family court when I was so overwhelmed I was barely 10 steps behind. The first stranger who ever said I believe you and had my back when I really needed it.
Actually whilst we’re at it…
CW – The first stranger who ever said I don’t believe you. You did so much damage. So much damage to a young vulnerable woman fresh out of an abusive relationship. I am so angry on her behalf now. Thankfully I am now able to channel that anger and am attempting to maybe teach your profession a little about survivors of domestic abuse.
Friends I’ve lost touch with
I’m the worst , I promise I’ll do better to keep in touch but we are all so bloody busy. Maybe we can have huge 50th bday parties to rival our 18ths once we all have more time on our hands. I do think of you honestly but isn’t life just quite hectic??
D – The woman who spotted a show off in a shy girls body and did great things to give that shy girl a channel for her repressed extrovert! That was huge.
E – Our conversation changed my mindset. I came home from my trip inspired and motivated and with a certain kind of confidence that comes someone listening and feeding back and being great company and all without expectation or creepiness!(rarer than you may think)
HSG – I am forever grateful for the randomness that has made ‘ this ‘ happen , I think you would say fate…. I’m started to come around to that way of thinking. I have never known another person like you (in the best way ) I’m a better person around you as you round my spiky edges. You know the Wicked lyrics ” Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better….but…” In fact balls to it take ” For Good” the whole song! Now to beat The Adjustment Bureau!!!
So there we are – the things we think but do not say , that quote has been rattling round in my head since I started writing this. Is it Jerry McGuire??? The name of his mission statement??
That was quite therapeutic actually !! I highly recommend it!
*edited : The things we think AND do not say was Jerry’s mission statement….you know in case it was driving you mad too….as you were!
If you’d like to read more of my meandering thoughts my Facebook page is here