I’ve had thoughts whizzing round my head for weeks now but there were just too many zooming around in this unpredictable head of mine to be able to concentrate and articulate. Today feeling calm and relaxed I’m going to try. I think we’re all somewhere between madness and on the edge right now on a sliding scale day to day so if my ramblings are even more chaotic than usual I apologise in advance .
The virus , the word we’re all fed up of hearing and lockdown and isolation how quickly these things have to come to be the norm. I expected to feel many things when we began to get a glimpse of how massive and scary and consuming this was going to be . I expected a huge mental health wobble and my anxiety to get out of control . That’s not been the case though. I’ve had a few wobbly days but not the huge anxiety filled days and dreams and panic I’d have expected from a global emergency. What the hell is wrong with me ? If ever there was a legitimate time to panic this is it …my time had come. It has not . I read a fantastic article in the week about why this is it’s just here .
So not huge anxiety wobbles , no panicky catastrophising . If my usual reactions to scary stuff aren’t happening what am I meant to feel???
Well what I feel right now is something that is so very unusual to me I struggled to work it out. I feel alone. Really alone.
I don’t mean lonely , come on its me the girl who loves a date for one (ohhh I cannot wait to go to the theatre again ) but a realisation has hit over the last few weeks. There’s no plan B here , there’s no fall back plan .
Ordinarily the kids do have other people in their lives even ones far away ,but as it stands right now it’s just me and them . There’s a fear that comes with that ,what if I get sick ? What happens then? There is noone to take the reins , there’s noone to step in for me . What if we all got sick ? It’s just us ,in our house that’s it . That’s all we have .
On a less important level but one I’ve felt for the first time, probably ever is a lack of a second adult in our house for practical reasons, or emotional support or just someone to sit with tea and talk about what a shit show this really is . Someone else to make breakfast for once ,but mainly just the chat . I’ve not had a face to face conversation with someone I haven’t given birth to in weeks. Someone to offload fears on , to just be physically present. I didn’t ever feel a lack of that until now. I think that maybe only people on their own will understand that. It sounds silly that the woman who goes on and on about how she couldn’t ever live with someone and how she enjoys her own company is fancying having someone around for her emotional well-being. It’s just sometimes you feel that hole , rarely for me but right now I do .
This train of thought it leads me onto the biggest thing I’ve realised . That despite what I’ve written above , despite feeling that way , I’m so lucky . My children are 3 teenagers and an 11 year old . They don’t need (certainly don’t want) entertaining they just need the kitchen stocked and they’re good to go like 4 little hungry locusts .
I can’t stop thinking about women with younger kids who are alone. How would I have dealt with this alone when the kids were much younger . How on earth are women with no support for whatever reason managing? Trying to work from home , entertaining and educating their children whilst keeping a grip on their sanity ??No one to divide labour with when the kids are home full time with no school.
The answer is I’ve not a clue.
It’s of no help to you at all right now if you are one of these women but just know …
I see you.
I am aware of you and how difficult your life must be right now.
I am completely in awe of you.
I know we have to keep away from one another and that there’s only so many WhatsApp groups you can be in before your brain explodes , but if you are one of these women is there anything at all we can do to help ??
I can’t think of anything that would have helped me when the kids were too young to be left alone so I could shop , or whilst everyone needed my attention yet there was only one of me all day everyday with little sleep and no break .
It must be the hardest , toughest most exhausting of times and you ,my friends , are absolute warriors !!!