Dear unsolicited advice givers ….you were wrong!

Once upon a time in the distant past that feels a million years ago but also almost like yesterday I was the mum of 3 children under 3 (3 under 2 and a half if I want to sound extra crazy)

The problem with having babies out in public is people feel obliged to hand out advice . To give their opinion on child rearing , specifically on how you should bring up your child . These are strangers I must stress who have no more emotional ties than happening to plonk their arse down next to you on the bus that day or sit on the next table to you in a cafe. 

Not only was I there with ALL the babies , I was young when I had the big three and that made folk think their advice was even more necessary. 

Advice when asked for is a wonderful thing because you can choose who you ask. You can decide who in your life may be wise , experienced and non judgemental enough to help you out. 

Unsolicited advice though , especially to me rocking about like the Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe never went down well. So I just thought I’d update some of those pearls of wisdom that were given to me and maybe even reassure a few of you that it’ll all be ok (without giving unsolicited,preachy advice of course)

“he /she will NEVER give that dummy up” 

Glorious first born never had a dummy. Back then I had more idealism that experience and thought them the work of the devil. 

Then came child two , the hungriest baby that ever did live . A Velcro baby who just loved comfy cosy sooooo much. He bloody loved his dummy , more than he loved his family , life itself but probably not more than he loved porridge!!!

However advice givers , of which there were many , he is now 16 and oddly doesn’t have a dummy now . Nor do his younger siblings . They gave them up way before school without really too much heartache!!!

” You’ll have to potty train early with 3 little ones or you’ll be nappy changing forever” 

I can see the thought behind the particular gem. 3 babies means lots of nappies and who wants to be dealing with other people’s bodily fluids for the rest of their lives ??? However potty training is a total pain in the arse. It took a few false attempts with glorious first born and I decided balls to early potty training , it’d be best waiting till they could talk and tell me they need to go !!! When I say talk I don’t mean “oh dearest mummy , be a lamb and get me to the lavatory would you , and fetch a wipe and none of those cheap ones , they make one’s bottom awfully sore” 

I mean more grunting and pointing. So late potty training was our thing ….BUT at 17,16,15 and 10 everyone can toilet independently , and could before school. (The unsolicited advice givers are obsessed with how all kids ‘these days ‘ turn up to school with nappies and dummies )

“Don’t cuddle them to sleep. They’ll NEVER learn to self settle” 

I loved the fact the babies fell asleep snuggled up with me . It was lovely and sweet . Well except eldest girl who didn’t really care for human interaction and much preferred independent life from being virtually new born. 

These children were going to grow up damaged adults what with letting them fall asleep on me WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY ARE MARRIED!!!! The people worrying about a six month old nodding off on his mummy would cry. Now I’m sure you are a childcare expert oh wise stranger , however I reckon if he still needs his mum to settle him to sleep when he’s 30 there’s gonna be no one wanting to marry him!!

No-one needs to fall asleep on my lap these days ,it’s all fine. Small girl does when I’m turning out her bedroom light occasionally ask “fancy a cuddle” which I’ll never resist but am always chucked out of her bed for being too big after roughly 2.5 seconds so I dont think she’s traumatised.

“Don’t over praise them”

This one is not so much random strangers giving unsolicited advice , but newspaper articles and magazines. We’re bringing up a generation of children who expect a well done for carrying out the simplest of tasks …so spoilt with parental praise they’ll never be fit for the work place…or adult life !

This in my opinion is utter balls!! 

I’ll never not praise the kids. They know I think they are the best humans on the planet , but they’re not expecting the rest of the world to get on their knees and sing songs filled with praise to them and be memorised by their awesomeness. I however , always will (except the singing bit -the teens don’t like that)

“People shouldn’t bring children into this terrible world”

THIS comment was THE one , the one that I as a relatively placid person could easily lose my shit about. That a hormonal ,sleep deprived woman with a double buggy and a baby strapped to her chest could have a full blown breakdown about. 

It still makes me angry now to think of it.

Yes the world is undoubtedly not in great shape right now . I’m not sure what kinda state it was in in the early 2000s when these guys were born because I wasn’t sleeping!!! 

The world now is a negative scary place at the minute but I would never think to tell anyone not to bring babies into it ! The future has to be hope , or what ? We just shut up the planet and label it a bad job . I wrote just last week about how the teenagers and young people of the world fill me full of hope ,just here . 

So I’ll stick with what was always my response to the old ladies telling me I shouldn’t have brought children into this awful world.

Maybe we need them to make it better.

So parents of the world who worry about dummies and picky eaters and toilet training and hitting milestones late and co sleeping and velcro babies . Who are bombarded with advice without asking for it ? Well….. I’m not going to give unsolicited advice here, not me , no way…..all I’ll say is this …

There are 4 older kids in this house and not a dummy , nappy or bottle to be seen!!

          Reflections from Me

One Messy Mama

DIY Daddy

         



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43 thoughts on “Dear unsolicited advice givers ….you were wrong!

  1. Ah yes, the unsolicited advice givers, and their annoying first cousins, the ones who judge you with a look, or a sigh. Probably the ones who A, have no kids, or B, if they have, the buggers have gone off to Australia or Katmandu to be far enough away from them! Great post #ThatFridayLinky

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fellow linky poster here (btw – that auto corrected to ‘kinky’ – so glad I spotted that). Given my own post, I’m so on board with what you say and the nature of ‘advice’. And we’ve only got the one child, so hats off to you with handling three kids while being bombarded with all that ‘advice’. And as for the last point – and given the inspiring story of the children who survived the Florida shootings and their rallying for gun control – it is borderline essential that we bring kids into this ‘terrible world’, because they will make it a better one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Why is it always strangers who feel the need to throw negativity at you? Mom shaming and unsolicited advice need to go! I wish there was a perfect response to give to everyone to make them knock it off! Fabulous post!
    #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think unsolicited advice is a bug bear most of us have. What really makes me mad is the people who give advice about children, but they dont have children themselves!
    #fortheloveofBLOG

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  5. All so very true. I had four under four and was constantly being offered pearls of wisdom from every angle. It is amazing how everyone can do better than you 😉 I have to say though I did also get lots of encouragement from random strangers which I didn’t always appreciate as I didn’t want to be stopped every two minutes, but in hindsight I see they meant well #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sadly our 6 year old twins still have a dummy at night maybe time to get rid of them Thank you for linking to #Thatfridaylinky please come back next week

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  7. Three cheers to that! I admit I used to worry (senselessly) about my son’s obsessive dummy habit and whether he would EVER sleep in his own room. He’s 4.5 now and I realise it was unnecessary stress… I guess we try to live up to expectations but that really is a killjoy. When I have Baby No 2, I’ll be a LOT more chilled out! Thanks for linking this up with #blogstravaganza.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Another SUPER post! My girls both fell asleep cuddling me but they weaned themselves off it and have always been good sleepers – I’m sure it was because they felt so relaxed and secure going to sleep, rather than being forcibly separated from me.

    And yes, having just read your earlier post about the good that teenagers can (and are doing), you are absolutely right – we need to keep having babies to give humanity a fresh start and people who can change things. #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh it’s so hard, everyone feels like they have to give out advice don’t they. Just go with the flow and do what’s best. We are in my opinion late to potty train, but only because she wasn’t ready, and do you know what, life was easier with nappies. Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Yes, yes and yes! I firmly believe in doing what’s right for you and child and to pick your battles, I’m sure 90% of advice is from well meaning people the others are just being gits quite frankly….however, how would they feel if the tables were turned, I’m sure they’d have something to say if I asked them why they chose THAT particular outfit today with THOSE shoes because I would have gone for something a bit more [sensible|warmer|colourful|attractive] or question them as to why they wear so much make-up…the list is endless, have some fun with it, you’ll never see them again! #blogcrush

    Disclaimer: I would never actually do this, too nervous…but I’d damn well think it hahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love this idea!!!! “Soooo you’re still wearing THAT coat then ? Not worried you’ll never be able to get rid?” Ha ha also too much of a scaredy cat buy thinking it counts !!!

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  11. oh my goodness YES I hate being judged for every decision I made and still make. Now I admit I too thought I would be a perfect parent and probably judged to some degree before the reality of my 3 set in! My brother is the worst with no children he is so judgey he is always expecting them to look like they are off a 1960’s black and white sitcom with clean clothes and perfect hair! Thank you for joining #ablogginggoodtime

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  12. I think some people mean well, but others are just interfering old bags! #BlogCrush

    And congratulations because someone loved this post so much, they added it to the #BlogCrush linky! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Yes! This! I’ve only been in parent land for 9 months and have been shocked by some of the comments I’ve received. Highlight (or lowlight) being an old lady telling me that I’d be breastfeeding if it was down to her (?!) when buying formula in a supermarket. Nuts.
    Go you for proving them wrong 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my goodness that’s awful!!! I remember the question “are you feeding him ‘yourself’ ?” with the eldest annoying me. Errr yep certainly me up faffing about with bottles all through the night!!

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  14. Oh my goodness yes, that always used to get to me! My eldest was once playing a game where he poked his younger brother gently through the side of the buggy, much to the delight of his brother who squealed with laughter. A stranger came up to me in the middle of them doing it to tell me that by allowing this behaviour my eldest would become violent when he was older. Years on and I am still too stunned that this was said to have come up with a suitable reply!! #ItsOK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I see this at school gates sometimes , people feels obliged to give the dad ‘advice’ would drive me nuts!!

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  15. Loving your ‘two fingers’ approach to the unsolicited advice! I never had anyone tell me my daughter would still be in nappies with a dummy when she started school… but she did! Ha! That’s special needs for you though. I’m a great fan of later toilet training too – she finally did it on her 5th birthday, just like that and has never had an accident in over a year – day or night. So there, doubters! #ItsOk

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I absolutely love this post! It’s truly shocking what some people will come out with in the name of imparting their wisdom. I thought your reply to the person that told you children shouldn’t be brought into the world was pure genius. Thank you for linking up to the #itsok linky!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Omg Yes!! I used to get so cross when my eldest was a baby, whereas these days people just get a very passive aggressive sarcastic “yes, thaaaank you for that. I think we’ll be fine doing it this way, ta very much..!”

    Some of the things we were given as apparent advice really was utter [insert fave expletive here]!!

    Although I’m not too proud to admit I’m a totally recovered former childless judgy pants… *hides face*

    Thanks so much for linking up to #itsOk, hope to see you again at the next link up x

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh my! I can’t believe how horrible people can be. I feel like we’ve all been told “if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut” and more people should follow that! I’m glad you can say proudly that they were all wrong

    Liked by 1 person

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