Tag Archives: wedding

I’m resentful…and it’s strange

The man who abused me is getting married in a few weeks.

It’s provoking a few strange emotions in me.

Ordinarily these days I rarely think of him. He took up so much space in my mind for so long. I simply don’t allow him any more. Having to organise the summer holidays though and work things out with the children ‘The Wedding’ comes up a lot and I’ve had to communicate with him way more than I usually do. So hand in hand with that I have been feeling a little unsettled .

It would maybe be expected to maybe go through a train of thought of wondering why he could behave normally and decently with someone else. It’d maybe be expected for me to wonder what it was I did to make him behave that way.

I don’t though. 

Not one bit.

Mainly thanks to therapy and The Freedom Programme I know that there was nothing at all I did that caused him to behave that way.
Nothing.
That is all on him.
He chose to be abusive.

A secondary reason I’m not having those kind of thoughts though is because I don’t believe he has changed. To have changed would mean taking responsibility,seeking help to alter your behaviour. However he still gaslights my experiences by never ever having admitted how he behaved.

So with not believing he has changed ,that brings with it a sense of responsibility towards his wife to be. I wrote a note to her here detailing how futile I know it is for me to tell my story ,to attempt to warn her off.

I wish there was a way I could keep her safe but it’s frustrating as hell that there is nothing I can do.

Mainly though the strongest feeling I have in regards to this situation is a whole heap of resentment. 

I’ve spoken about how that relationship left me numb for a very long while. There are many negative feelings about what happened to me that I have dealt with and then tucked away , anger being the main one.

Resentment though that’s been niggling a while.

I’m resentful that he gets to get on with his life ,having the normal grown up relationships whilst I was left so broken only now almost a decade on can I even ever so gently begin to date.

I’m resentful that I still and probably always will carry mental scars and struggle in certain situations whilst he gets to carry on without a care in the world.

I’m resentful that my children are being dressed up and shown off at this wedding and he will take credit for what amazing people they are despite not being in their lives for years.
I know it sounds like the whining of a bitter ex ,and this post is a bit of a whinge fest I’ll grant you. 
I document every huge stride I take in recovering from abuse though that it only seems honest to cover the tricky times.
I’m not sat here rocking in a corner or conjuring up complex revenge plans. I’m too healed for that.
I truly hope the kids have a fun day and enjoy themselves.

I just had to write this though.

I needed to document my feelings because amidst the champagne and the smiles and the happy ever afters….

I see him.
I know.

I remember.

So does he.

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A note to my children’s, soon to be, step mum

Hi, 

K here 

You probably know me better as the ‘psycho ex’, the ‘bitch from hell’, the woman who took the love of your lives children away, the ‘crazy, lying, heartless slag’ and many other variations on the theme. 

You’ll have heard all the tales about me. You must be so relieved that your future husband has a normal, decent woman in his life after all he’s been through. 

I’m lucky enough to be privy to the official story my ex tells about me. The girlfriend after me told me it when she reached out to me feeling that things didn’t quite add up. 
It’s a really good story. Plausible. I understand why it’s believed without question. To people in his new life anyway. I still can’t get my head around why the people who actually knew me would believe it or help him perpetuate it but to be honest I’ve given that way more head space than it ever deserved over the years, it’s getting no more. 

I’m not going to sit here and tell you my story. I am fully aware what a waste of both our times that would be. 

I do just want to tell you a couple of things though. Firstly, the kids are big fans of yours. They honestly think you’re great. I believe you coming onto the scene has been a catalyst in their dad deciding to see them again from time to time. I thank you for that – I won’t pretend I’M happy he’s around but the kids deserve to feel as though they have two parents. 

They’re fantastic kids, as you know and now as older astute teenagers it’s down to them to make up their own minds in any given situation. They’ve all at one point or another wondered out loud what you see in their dad but yes they’re fond of you. 

I just hope that the things they like about you are never stamped out. 

I’m told you’re funny and chatty and I hope you never become the woman too scared to talk, afraid of the consequences. 

I’m told you’re lively and happy and I hope that’s never snatched away-that you’re never left with such low self esteem you’re filled with nothing but self loathing. 

The kids say you got a bit tipsy new year and had a fun singalong. I hope you’re never accused of being an alcoholic, a disgrace, an embarrassment. 

Secondly, know you’re in my thoughts often. I worry about you, hopefully needlessly. 
I’m a little  reassured by how close you are to your family and I’m never going to say people can’t change but forgive my scepticism on this one. 

Just know, should anything ever happen in your marriage that scares you or gets those red flags in the back of your mind waving there are people who can help. 

I’m certainly not the person who you would choose to confide in I’m sure but you bloody could at any time. 

Should you ever find yourself scared, anxious, hurt. The one thing you are not is alone. Your  family can help, various agencies, the friends you’re currently enconssed in bridesmaid chat with. 

I genuinely wish you the best of luck in your upcoming marriage and with all my heart hope it’s a happy, calm one

Lots of love, 
The psycho ex 

Xxx


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