Tag Archives: toxic relationships

The People Puzzle

Check me out – actually blogging , like an actual blogger !! I’ve been lame recently ,well for a while now. I thought this blog had probably come to the end of its natural life. I’d deleted WordPress from my phone. Had stopped promoting posts , joining in with the linkies I love and just finished . People had come across my blog , people who don’t like what I have to say, people who are part of the story I tell and didn’t like the way I told it. It quietened me a little and made me self censor and if I’m going to censor my own thoughts this blog becomes redundant really. ANYWAY I missed my blog and everything about it . Seems when you use something as an outlet for your thoughts and then you stop ,all those thoughts stay whizzing about in your head and that’s no good for anyone .

So thats my explanation for being missing in action , shall I get on with what I wanted to talk about now ??

I always thought myself a fairly antisocial person. That I wasn’t keen on people as a whole and that my own company was much better than people en masse and really I was a happy little hermit .

What I definitely am though is a little lacking in the old self awareness.

Dealing with toxic people has altered my mindset over the years. When the elder 3 were little I went years without real adult social interaction as we all do , an abusive relationship was isolating as they are , low self esteem added to the mix made me think I didn’t really need ‘people’ in my life , I wasn’t used to it and I didn’t miss it.

I must take the time here to say that I still and always will crave and love my own company. Dinner and theatre alone is the ultimate treat. I will forever be an advocate of the solo date , you can read why here .

What I was missing though when I believed I was better avoiding social situations was the concept of choice.

No I don’t want to be around people who drain me ,I wrote about drains and radiator type people and I absolutely stand by that. I don’t want to be around people who make me feel crap. I don’t want to be around dementor type people who suck your soul dry of any joy or happiness . For years and years I did do this . I spent time around these people . Out of habit , out of duty , out of simply struggling to say no .

No wonder I wasn’t a fan of people.

More recently though I’ve learnt to be much more choosy . Our spare time is so very precious isn’t it ? It’s probably the resource we are most lacking in most of the time. Its a pretty crazy thing to do then isn’t it to sacrifice this precious thing on people who don’t deserve it.

To anyone else who suffers from this affliction , who finds themselves spending time and money in social situations having a thoroughly miserable time because they didn’t feel able to say no . I cannot recommend more enthusiastically The Good Girl’s Guide To Being A D*ck by Alexandra Reinwarth (totally not an ad by the way ,just a recommendation from one doormat to potentially another )

Anyway,I digress (that’s absolutely the title of my autobiography by the way) Choice , that’s the key for me now when it comes to people and socialising . A huge revelation for me recently has been how much I absolutely love socialising with people who I like , who like me in return !! Seems so simple doesn’t it ? Spending time with people who enhance your life or make you happy to be around ? Hopefully you do the same for them. I’m sure there are people for whom I’m that person they should discard . If I am I hope they do. That simple concept though , when put into practice really IS that simple .

Of course there are draining, negative people sometimes who you are stuck with , again the book I mentioned earlier has some great advice on how to deal with that instance.

I’ve had a sociable few weeks ,took a trip with that handsome man , spent some time with some fave people in my fave place . Made me sickeningly happy . One of my other fave people got married and just spending the whole day with fantastic people just made my soul happy.

Doesn’t sound like someone who hates people does it ? It’s more the behaviour of someone who avoided EVERYONE to avoid the company of toxic people. Daft decision in hindsight. The people who make my heart happy make my heart REALLY happy.

A favourite blogger of mine Enda wrote a post a few weeks ago that I really identified with about how introverts are extroverts when they’re relaxed . It’s here , give it a look . Well that’s me . I don’t dislike people.

Turns out I just dislike people who make me feel rubbish….I think that’s fair enough really!!

Musings Of A Tired Mummy

“Reflections


I am healed ,but I still need patience

I am many years free of abuse and toxic relationships. I am stronger mentally than I’ve been for a very long time. So many of the parts of me that had been dismantled and fractured have been put back together.

It took way , way longer than I ever would have expected. Years longer.

I’m here though , I am healed and I am strong.

I am healed but I’m battle scarred .

I’m healthy and I’m strong but there are very faded residual marks that I suspect will stick around a little while longer.

Like when stretchmarks that were purple and raw and red and angry fade to silvery faded lines. A memory of what a huge deal you have been through.

I still have a few remaining ,faded mental scars. Like those silver stretch marks they’re part of me , a record of a journey. Not that happy one of motherhood , but a journey none the less and one I finished a free woman. I’m sure those mental scars will one day fade even further , possibly disappear completely like so many of the other hang ups and baggage toxic relationships left me with. I got rid of them eventually. I’m not angry or resentful of the remaining scars ,they are me now.

The main one is a need for patience from people around me.

Super patience.

Patience in ultimate 4D.

Patience with a cherry on the top ,tied with a bow.

You see all those parts of me that are healed yet fragile , they can all be fixed with patience.

I don’t have loads of friends or a massive really close family. I have a tiny inner circle of people who I trust and care about and whom I am certain care about me.

That’s really all I need , the inner circle rocks you know? Full of amazing humans! I think they get it those people. They understand my need for patience,but I think it probably takes a while to get to grips with the nutty girl who behaves oddly sometimes!

I need patience that sometimes I cancel plans because the horrid voice in my head is telling me I’m rubbish.

I need patience with my indecisiveness . It comes from a place where when questions were asked there is a right or wrong answer and it is essential to get it right (despite the fact you never will) questions still sometimes transport me back to that mindset and it’s as irritating for me as it is those around me.

I need patience at my ( what must be bloody infuriating) absent minded ,head in the clouds behaviour. It comes from a place where once I had to be hyper vigilant every second of every day. I had to think 3 , 7 , 12 steps of another person all the time in order to second guess how I should be behaving to avoid a blow up. From having to be so aware of a tapping foot or a certain type of sigh or a look so as I could attempt to diffuse a situation before it happened. Now I’ve always been naturally dozy I confess but I also worked out with the help of my therapist that actually ,now away from that situation I’ve learned to relax .No need for hypervigalence . I’m comfy and have gradually relaxed …. I’ve relaxed …a lot , possibly too much!

I need patience when I over think and am mentally already dealing with a situation that hasn’t even happened.

I need patience when my brain melts at emotional intimacy. That the L word is not in my vocab. That I’m getting better at hugs , but ON MY TERMS!

I need the patience and constantly. I’ve been around people who’ve understood for a short while but then become frustrated and irritated and then that’s me done really. Shut down. Closed for business. Emotional attachment done with. I know it’s irrational but this is why the inner circle is so small I guess.

It once took me knowing someone 2 years to go on a first date. 2 years!!! I didn’t fully realise back then but I absolutely needed that time of consistent words and actions. I needed to know this wasn’t someone who would change goalposts or be a different person from one day to the next. I know it must seem nuts to most but it was necessary for me. Bloody hell dating me you have to work at Kelly pace , kind of like snails pace but a thousand times slower.

I’m healed , I’m strong but I still need that element of patience in people I am close to.

I do so appreciate how my amazing family and lovely friends ARE patient with my flakey , indecisive tendencies I really do! I’ve so much adoration for people who stayed the distance. Honestly , if I used the L word I’d declare it now but small steps eh??

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Drains and Radiators

I’ve read lots of articles about how in order to make ourselves happier the key is often to rid ourselves of the toxic and negative people in our life. I’ve always struggled with this as a concept, after all don’t we all have negative down  days where we do feel like we drain other people with our problems?

However as time goes by, the idea of only surrounding yourself with people and even objects that enhance your life (as hopefully you do theirs) is something I’m certainly ready to do, it’s an act of self preservation really. 

The analogy goes something like this. The radiators in your life are the people who generate warmth, they give something back. That’s not to say these people don’t have down days, of course they will and of course you help them through. Generally though being around these people is a positive experience, they delight in your joy as well as sharing their own. These people enhance your life simply by being in it. 

Drains are the opposite. 

They literally drain you of energy, tire you out with their negativity. In this kind of relationship these people take way more than they ever give and are so focused on their own issues they aren’t able to listen to anyone elses. Sometimes we keep these people in our lives out of habit but time spent with them is dispiriting and you can be sure any bubble of happiness you bring to the table will be thoroughly burst. I liken them to the dementors from Harry Potter, people who suck all the happy from your soul. 

We’ve all known this type of person and most of us still probably have them around for one reason or another. You daren’t even ask how they are as you know it’ll be all doom and gloom. I feel I should say again this isn’t  a lovely pal having a crap time of things, they’re obviously going to be nurtured and loved not cast aside. I mean the ones who spending time with fill your heart with dread or you can’t share happy news with them as they’ll immediately bring down your giddy. The ones you only ever hear from when they need a listening ear, the ones who will never even ask how YOU are or how your life is going. 

Radiators though, let’s hang on to those gems with all our might. They’re the people who make our world a  bright place even on a dark day. My sister is my main one. My number one human. The girl who embraces whatever giddy idea I’m having that day and runs with it, no matter how ridiculous it may be. The first person I want to share happy news with. Being in her company is warming in itself like a comfort blanket, she makes me feel cared for and my little world is enhanced immeasurably by having her in it. 

I hope she feels the same, maybe except if she catches me when I’m hungry, I’m not at my best then.
 
I’ve another energy giver too but in a different way. (yes.. maybe it’s a boy! so what? Sssshh) Not so much cosy as empowered, they make me feel as if I could move mountains such is their enthusiasm and zeal. My little world is a more optimistic one with them in it. By the same token I’m a better person around them. The ice queen nonsense drops and I’m a softer, warmer person in their company. 

I think this technique would work for objects too. We’ve all stuff in our houses we don’t like. Maybe it’s a coffee table we think is a bit ugly but we’re just used to having around or a vase bought as a gift that you hate.

Get rid. 

Replace them with things that make you smile when you look at them. 

I’m not saying that by surrounding yourself with warm people and pretty things that nothing bad is ever going to happen. That’s obviously not the case. When the bad stuff does happen though, that’s probably when you need the amazing people and the things that make you smile the most. 

Ditch the drains. 

Cuddle up with the radiators (yes I know I hate cuddling – but as mentioned above, I’m softening)
 
Life is hard enough, fill it with people and things that make you sparkle a little!! 

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