Tag Archives: sister

#Blogtober17 – day 19 – Secrets ….The things I don’t say…

I’m rubbish at verbalising my feelings. Truly rubbish . I consider myself to be a reasonably articulate woman but it ends with the feelings stuff. I could talk to you from now till the end of time about the little things , chips , Beyonce , rugby , reality TV , Doctor Foster. I can even be emotive when talking – I have on numerous occasions tried to explain a certain moment in Doctor Who to none watchers and shed tears!! I can speak passionately about feminism , domestic abuse , mental health. My deep feelings though , they are just impossible to articulate. That’s why I write this blog I suppose , I find it easier to write down how I feel , still not really easy but words , honest heartfelt words, flow better.

I’m doing Blogtober ( a month long challenge to write every day based on a prompt) Today’s prompt was Secrets. I thought , why not write down some of those  feelings and thoughts I have that will never come out of my mouth. Not necessarily secret but things I never said that I have thought and people who have made a difference and I never got to tell them. Not that they’ll read this but some will (probably because I’ll tag them on FB)

*Possible slush alert klaxon*

My sister : My favourite human being on the planet . I do not know how I would get through this life nonsense without you. I admire you in so many ways and I wish I could be a bit more like you . On the shittest of shitty days I know that when I speak to you on the phone I’ll laugh , you get me like noone else and I love that I constantly honk laugh at your house cos it means I’m genuinely bloody happy!! I’m sorry I don’t get home enough but THAT I can rectify! I love you so so so much like properly love you ….Life would be unbearably grim without you in it , so stop using Doctor Google to diagnose yourself with life threatening illnesses please!!

Elder kids grandparents: Your son is a disgrace of a human. However you are the most amazing grandparents children could ever wish for. I appreciate how much you do for them , I love that you have the closest of relationships particularly as I have no parents to give them grandparents. I know that you love them as much as I do and thats powerful.You rock.

The school mum crew

Oh my , you lot!!! How did I ever get my child to school with everything she needs without you ??? I love that I don’t have to pretend I am winning at life round you , that I don’t have to don the Supermum cape and pretend to have parenting cracked when we all know I’m just winging it! You 3 are some of the strongest women I know with the most remarkable stories to tell and yet you just wave off what you’ve overcome as though it’s nothing. It’s not nothing , It’s bloody amazing and I’m really quite fond of you!!!

The women who ran The Freedom Programme I went to – You changed my life and saved my sanity . I couldn’t even say Thank you at the time as I didn’t even realise.Thank you so much.

Dr H – Who was one step ahead of the trauma that was family court when I was so overwhelmed I was barely 10 steps behind. The first stranger who ever said I believe you and had my back when I really needed it.

Actually whilst we’re at it…

CW – The first stranger who ever said I don’t believe you. You did so much damage. So much damage  to a young vulnerable woman fresh out of an abusive relationship. I am so angry on her behalf now. Thankfully I am now able to channel that anger and am attempting to maybe teach your profession a little about survivors of domestic abuse.

Friends I’ve lost touch with

I’m the worst , I promise I’ll do better to keep in touch but we are all so bloody busy. Maybe we can have huge 50th bday parties to rival our 18ths once we all have more time on our hands. I do think of you honestly but isn’t life just quite hectic??

D – The woman who spotted a show off in a shy girls body and did great things to give that shy girl a channel for her repressed extrovert! That was huge.

E – Our conversation changed my mindset. I came home from my trip inspired and motivated and with a certain kind of confidence that comes someone listening and feeding back and being great company and all without expectation or creepiness!(rarer than you may think)

HSG – I am forever grateful for the randomness that has made ‘ this ‘ happen , I think you would say fate…. I’m started to come around to that way of thinking. I have never known another person like you (in the best way ) I’m a better person around you as you round my spiky edges. You know the Wicked lyrics ” Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better….but…” In fact balls to it take ” For Good” the whole song! Now to beat The Adjustment Bureau!!! 

So there we are – the things we think but do not say , that quote has been rattling round in my head since I started writing this. Is it Jerry McGuire??? The name of his mission statement??

That was quite therapeutic actually !! I highly recommend it! 

*edited : The things we think AND do not say was Jerry’s mission statement….you know in case it was driving you mad too….as you were!

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Practical ways I tell my anxiety to keep away!

Anxiety sucks.

 

It can turn your average day into an overthought , catastrophizing nightmare.

 

I don’t have the cure I’m afraid .

 

I’ve read all the info , I know exercise , good nights sleep , healthy food and not drinking wine or overdosing on chocolate are what I’m meant to be doing to keep anxiety at bay. Not much fun though are they?

 

I can’t run when I’ve convinced myself I’m going to faint at any minute …and probably on the road…then I’ll get run over and killed… and then what will the kids do….Yes that’s my actual thought process during an anxious moment. Total pain in the arse.

 

I’ve never managed to stop that horrific pain through my stomach and my face going numb by eating kale.

 

How the hell am I meant to get a good nights sleep when I can barely breathe with the panic?

 

 

I know these tips are the sensible ones. Sometimes a run does blast away the panic , sometimes a long sleep stops the overthinking.

 

 

Over the years though  , I’ve gotten to grips with my anxiety to an extent. It’s personal to me and I know how to nip an episode in the bud quite often , I know how to calm myself . They may sound a bit odd but anxiety is a personal thing , there’s no one size fits all solution. Maybe some of mine may work for you . Here’s how I tell anxiety to just p**s off!!!

 

 

Phone calls to my sister.

If I’m feeling a bit wobbly , or I feel unsettled this is my go to activity. Chat , especially idle gossip and thoughtless chat is a distraction. Add to that my sisters familiar voice and calms me down.

I’m not suggesting you all ring my sister when you’re panicky , though as I always say if I could clone her I’d give you all a copy – she’s ace!!

Maybe if you have someone with whom you can partake in chit chat as a distraction though , a familiar voice , a calming influence though this could work for you .

 

Monday vlog indulgence

Could be a bit niche this one …stay with me.

Monday’s are always a pain in the bum aren’t they? A good start to a week though can do wonders for my head. I also love a vlog , I’m a blogger , I’m nosy why wouldn’t I?

Starting the week by watching Marian Keyes weekly vlog sets me up nicely for the week . She’s funny , she’s engaging, she’s pretty , she’s smiley ( I’m pretty sure the accent helps too) I am a big fan of her books and she’s a bit of a Twitter crush of mine if truth be told. Being told stories is another on the anxiety cheat sheet and well ,  Marian is as fab at telling stories verbally as she is writing them down. The vlogs start my Monday with a smile. In fact I recommend them (  link here : https://www.youtube.com/user/himselfkeyes) to all of you , even if you’re not quite as nutty as me!)

 

 

Joining in with small girl

My 8 year old does everything with zeal. There is no half hearted with her. On a wobbly day , taking a leaf out of her book and just joining in with her is as therapeutic as anything I know.

If it’s feeding the ducks we’re throwing the food as far as we can , if it’s drawing or colouring it takes every bit of focus we have. If it’s dancing it’s with every bit of our body.

It seems when I put my absolute all into any activity it’s really hard for my anxiety to take a grip on my mind.

 

 

Watching stand up

An obvious one really.

From the school of fake it ’till you make it!! If I’m laughing anxiety does not stand a chance.

 

 

Writing

Could be a blog post , could be a letter (yes I still write those – how quaint am I?)

More likely though it’s just a total mind dump into a notebook.

When I am anxious I overthink.

This never ends well for me , especially when it all just swirls around my mind like some kind of brain bothering hurricane. The reason I ever started this blog was because I’ve always found that writing down what bothers me helps . Having a million thoughts whizzing around this head each one causing another hundred in an anxious chain reaction means I’m not going to feel great. Picking up a pen , writing them down uncensored gets the thoughts out of the nutty mind and into a notebook where they become much less powerful. I can see how ridiculous they are written there in black in white.Then I can shut the notebook and walk away. It helps.

 

 

They’re little things , but sometimes little things help.

 

Do you have any little tricks that keep your anxiety in it’s place or that can calm you ?

 

I’d love to hear them.

xxx
 



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