Tag Archives: single mum

Damaged Goods

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober post , day 11, is here .

I’ve heard myself described as damaged goods .

More than once . Sometimes to my face often as a chinese whisper , occasionally during a spiteful argument .

When I heard it , I felt it .

It’s a phrase meant to make you feel shit. It’s meant to mean unwanted , undesirable. AVOID THIS WOMAN AT ALL COSTS – HER DAMAGE WILL INFECT YOU – DANGER!!

I’m a single mum fast approaching 40 , attempting to cling onto sanity who has so many hang ups picked up from abusive and toxic relationships that yes sometimes I can be hard work no I’m not using that phrase , that’s another one thrown at me to keep me in my place .

I’m not sure which of the 3 seems to be the biggest issue to people who want to judge (the sneerers as I like to call them -picturing Cyril Sneer from the racoons -do you remember him?)

(Thats the dude !!!)

Sorry totally distracted ….reasons I’m damaged goods !

Single mum

Yes there is no father in our house , no new partner living here to help pick up the slack. This is a fatherless household and likely always will be now . Does that make me damaged though? Well I guess we need to look at these things from the sneerers prospective … The sneerer would look at my family life I guess and decide that 4 children and not a man in the house for over a decade. Well no one else is going to want her now . Obviously something wrong with her , can’t keep a guy . Poor kids .

Except the thing is we’re a family and we’re beginning to become quite the team. The elder three are at glorious ages where they can help with school runs and make dinner and get themselves up to ensure things can run smoothly here . We’re a team – we do not have an Alpha Male team captain I’m going to give you that one but we really have no place for one !

Mental health issues

My mental health is like a little selection box of problems and quirks.

Anxiety ✔️

Meaning sometimes I avoid humans , sometimes I can’t talk on the phone . Sometimes I’m browsing the bread in Sainsburys and I’m overcome with such dread I feel I’m going to pass out and my face goes numb .

Low mood ✔️

Yep some days I’m so filled with self loathing I can’t even stand myself. Some days a happy song dare come on my playlist and I tell it to f**k off cos I’m too miserable for that (this is a true thing that happened yesterday and I did giggle afterwards at my ridiculous behaviour!)

Some trauma related issue that noone has quite gotten to the bottom of yet ✔️

This is fun this one . Hypervigalence…my goodness forever in fight or flight mode , unable to settle ,forever looking for danger.

Fun anecdote to lighten the mood on this one. The other day a bird flew past and flapped her wings slightly louder and I screamed. Shrieked in the street.

So does all this rendered me damaged ? I prefer quirky myself . Obviously the sneerers would say look at the state of her can’t even answer the phone some days , scared of her own shadow. Who on earth would want that – no one with any sense !

I’m actually quite comfy with my whirling , slightly off normal brain function these days . It was Mental Health awareness day yesterday , I read lots of stories. There are loads of us ! Are we damaged ? Well yeah maybe but we’re bloody strong and tenacious too.

Domestic abuse damage

I’ve gotten over lots of hang ups over the last few years that I was left with after years of abuse .

Once upon a time though , I wasn’t me a decade on happy with how I look and who I am .Once I KNEW I was fat and ugly and useless and the worst mum and thick and pathetic and no wonder I had no friends and everyone definitely laughed at me and thought me just an absolute bloody idiot !

Yes I was damaged by years of abuse and trauma. Yes it was added to by other people -Sneerer types comments

Ah 2 sides to every story though

She must have pushed his buttons

She’d drive anyone to hit her

Some couples just don’t mix well

She just likes playing the victim

No one’s ever going to want her , who’s going to take on all her issues ? No one !!

If you’re reading this and you’ve been through or are going through abuse and have heard any of these statements about yourself let me tell you now it’s bullshit .

They’re phrases that come from best ignorance though usually worse than that.

Usually to keep us quiet ,to silence our voice. I’m just some woman off the internet you don’t have to listen to me but just know these phrases are crap spoken by people who know the grand total of eff all.

So yes ok more damage here . Damage caused by another person. Damage another person or people made the conscious choice to inflict on someone. I think I know who the real danger is in this situation.

Its taken a while but I realised recently that Damaged Goods – that vile phrase definitely says more about the person using it than the person they’re saying it about.

I also realised I’m going to start owning it actually.

When I was a kid my dad worked at a sweet factory (the dream right?) on a Friday he got to bring home sweets they couldn’t sell because they were wonky or misshapen. They didn’t fit the perfect aesthetic the customer was looking for.

To us though they were special treasure that not everyone else was allowed to experience!! They were unique and delicious and when shared with the right people were received with love and appreciation.

That’s me that is !!!

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Reasons everyone should have a ‘date night’…on their own!

Firstly I hate the term date night , it’s up there with ‘me time’ for phrases that make me want to pull my hair out! You know what I mean though don’t you? Getting all dressed up with somewhere to go?

Well the best night out I’ve had in ages was last year.I got all dressed up , made a bit of an effort. I went into Manchester to an Italian for dinner ,got the tram up to media city and had a glass of wine looking out onto the water then went to see Wicked which was one of my favourite stage shows I’ve ever seen.

All on my own.

I know my love of going out on my own isn’t to everyone’s tastes. Frankly , many people think me a bit nuts. That’s ok. I even went on holiday alone last year , maybe that’s a step too far for most people.I do think though that everyone should have a tiny taste of it . It’s good for the soul, I’m sure of it. Here’s why :

You don’t have to compromise

You fancy Chinese , have it .There’s no added extra person who you have to take account of. As a mum there is ALWAYS someone elses tastes and views and likes that I have to take into account when I do anything. There’s a certain freedom in being able to do whatever the hell you like , feels a bit naughty too. I fancy going to that restaurant everyone else hates…who’ll stop me?! That kind of thing.

It gives you chance to reconnect with your own brain

I know the term ‘reconnect’ is a bit tossy , sorry. What I actually mean is we’re all busy , all the time, the kids need at least a bit of your attention constantly. Even when they’re in bed asleep ,part of my mind is always on the listen out should anybody need me. So to get out on your own with no mum chores to do , no one needing your attention , no need to even have a conversation with anyone else feels nice. Your mind is all your own. I always do my best thinking at these times ( not that my thinking is a thing of genius but just to stop and slow down feels good)

You can remind yourself of what YOU like

In our house we have spaghetti bolognaise every week. It’s the kids favourite so we have it. When I go to an Italian restaurant though I’m still tempted to order it because I think “ooo I love bolognaise”…but I don’t. The kids love it so we have it . I really aren’t a big fan. My children have, over the years, brain washed me. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that maybe you go to the cinema to see rom coms because the people you go with like them and you’re actually into horror …go see your movies (actually horrors on your own might be scary-probably don’t do that)

People are nice

Obviously other people don’t really factor into the going out alone thing , but humans are unavoidable in the main so stay with me. You find when out alone you end up chatting with people you otherwise wouldn’t. On my night to see Wicked just before the show started the two women sat by me were making small talk and by the interval I was drinking wine with them in the bar. They were really interesting women and as I love hearing peoples stories it added a special something to the night! Then of course if you’re dining alone the waiter will often upgrade your wine to a large at no extra charge. The sympathy wine. Tastes all the better for it. Same goes for the pity flirt…all adds to the nights fun!

You can fully immerse yourself in what you are doing

This might just be me but I have a tendency to daydream never fully giving my attention to one thing fully. I think it’s a practised mum skill for when you have to have three different conversations at once. No matter what it is I’m doing I’m usually doing something else at the same time, whether that’s missing a vital moment in Eastenders because I was looking at Twitter on my phone or making a mental To Do list whilst cooking dinner. If I am out at the cinema or theatre with another person it extends to that. Yes I’m watching the movie or the show but part of me is wondering if they’re ok, are they enjoying it ?Are they gong to want a snack at the interval? When it’s just me and the big stage in front of me I am absolutely engrossed and enthralled. I really did spend a couple of hours in Oz on the night of Wicked.

So there we go. Don’t get me wrong there is no better feeling than sharing a magical night with someone special. I’d never say otherwise. There is though a certain selfish magic in spending time on your own. I obviously go to the crazy end of the scale , I’d happily holiday on my own. There’s no need to go that far. Maybe a coffee you’ve not had to make and mug you don’t have to wash with a trashy mag would do the trick?

“Reflections

 


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