Tag Archives: Mr Right

Date me! : I’m a chronic overthinker … 

Really, you’d have to be as nuts as I am to date me.

My anxiety disorder often manifests itself in over thinking . I can work myself up into a frenzy about situations that are never going to happen. I can decide what OTHER people are thinking about me and make that fact in my mind. I grab hold of one comment someone has made and obsess over it relentlessly, make the highest mountain of the tiniest molehill and it always ends with me being in a panic.

So I can either drive myself even more nuts worrying about it or I can laugh at how ridiculous I am at times.

I choose the latter.

It has become apparent that dating is the ideal place for my anxious over thinking to thrive. Let’s face it, in this kind of scenario EVERYONE is trying to put the best version of themselves forward. You want to be liked. That’s how it works.

Poor unfortunate souls who date me though? They’re already fighting an uphill battle.

What he’ll say : You look amazing tonight

What I’ll take from that : aaaaw he fancies me! I’m rocking this dress!. ..errrrm hang on a minute. I look amazing TONIGHT? Has he been thinking I look rubbish every other time he’s seen me? Oh my! What on earth was I wearing last time? I must burn that outfit immediately.

What he’ll say : You can choose where we eat. I’ll eat anything.

What I’ll take from that: Ah how considerate, he knows I’ve odd little food ‘quirks’ … Oh wait, he obviously thinks I’m really high maintenance. He said he’ll eat anything – the undertone being that I’m a problem, my food dislikes are the barrier to us eating somewhere nice. He’s going to think I’m too much hard work and dump me!

What he’ll say : I’ve found us a new cocktail bar to try, you’ll love it.

What I’ll take from that : He’s so cute thinking of me when I’m not there.. .. although ‘us’? ? ? Did he just use’ us’? Bloody hell stop pressurising me, stop trying to encroach on my space you’ll be trying to move in next! While we’re at it-I’ll love it? ! Sure we’ve done cocktails often. Sure I’ve always raved about how much I’ve enjoyed it. Sure he’s been lovely enough to take time to get to know my likes and dislikes. Thinking he knows what I’ll love though? Cheek of it! Slow down Mr Telepathic!

What he’ll say : You’re fantastic to be around, I’m so relaxed around you.

What I’ll take from that : Yay! Yay! Hot guy thinks I’m great… Relaxed though? Relaxed? Is he saying I’m boring? Like he’s so ‘relaxed’ he’s borderline comatose because my company is so dull?

What he’ll say : I’ve got you a surprise!

What I’ll take from that : Ooo he’s so into me he’s getting me gifts! Eeeek this is awesome! Surprise though, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DOES IT HAVE TO BE A SURPRISE? It could be anything, what if it’s something I don’t like and I’ve gotten this whole scenario wrong thinking he really gets me to discover he really doesn’t? He knows about my anxiety, why is the word surprise even in his vocabulary?

– upon receiving lovely, thoughtful gift. .

Yes but what does it MEAN though?

*brain explodes*

I mean, I think I do quite well and manage to control the over thinking most of the time and I can certainly cover up the underlying rabidness but I’ve also come to accept this is just part of what makes me, me.

The right guy will find it endearing I’m sure.. Or learn to live with it at least. I have to , he’s not run for the hills screaming yet!!!

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The Boyfriend List

I, tongue firmly in cheek, allude to The Boyfriend List in this blog whenever I chat about my singleness or my absolute unshakeable belief that MY Mr Perfect is out there somewhere. I say ‘my’ Mr Perfect because obviously no one actually is perfect are they? I believe there’s someone out there who is perfect for me though.

During a particularly productive therapy session years and years ago I produced a list of characteristics my ideal partner would have. It became The Boyfriend List.

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Now I know EXACTLY what you are thinking. You’re thinking that’s pretty demanding list for a woman in her mid 30s with a whole brood of children. I know that’s how it appears.

Let me explain.

Back when I wrote this list I was still battle weary from toxic relationships. I was also hugely aware that I was vulnerable.

The problem with being tired and wounded and damaged is this : It attracts the very men you need to be well away from.

Even back then I knew I wasn’t put off men forever. That I wasn’t sworn off relationships. It’s unusual to get to my age and never having been in love. I knew one day I wanted to give that a whirl (how on earth can I write my best selling rom com without ever even have had a sniff of the happy ever after stuff)

I was distrustful of my own judgement when I wrote the list. I also knew EVERY relationship I’ve ever been in had come about accidentally. There was never any desire or admiration or even the simple crush about them. I’d met someone, thought they were OK and fallen into a relationship .

I never want to do that again.
So despite how it looks, my list really isn’t a demand.
It’s a promise. To myself.
It’s saying don’t settle.
It’s saying I deserve someone a bit special.
It’s saying even if he never shows you’re best on your own than in a shitty relationship.
It’s saying don’t lower your standards.

Also, as was pointed out to me – (my name is Kelly and I’m the least self aware person in the world) this list isn’t unreasonable.
I’m not asking to be woken in the morning to a specially assembled dawn chorus of trained birds before having breakfast brought in bed on a golden platter followed by out of this world, mind blowing sex. To later find myself spending the day on the yacht of my boyfriend, the most handsome man to walk the earth, lounging in my diamond shoes having my every whim catered to by an adoring man.
It’s really just asking for a decent human being.
That’s not too much to ask is it?

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The problem with the Mr Perfect list (spoiler alert:I’m a bit weird)

Today started horribly with anxiety. So as the day has gone on and all my anxiety ridden quirks have made them self known I’ve done the only thing I really ever can now I’m coming out of the other side of it – laugh at myself and how bloody nutty I can be at times, whilst wondering what kinda guy would find my quirks endearing rather than irritating.

I have my perfect partner wishlist, I’m kind of brutal with it too.

Chatty
Lovely manners
Good with kids
Non needy
Respectful to everyone
Has opinions
Intelligent
Reads
Likes the theatre
Funny
Respects personal space
Creative
Optimistic in the main

This isn’t an exhaustive list, just a little sample and of course if a potential Mr Perfect popped along but hated the theatre, I could possibly work with that.

It may seem demanding to even have a list but as I’ve said before I’ve always fallen into relationships with Mr ‘he’ll do’ and I don’t want that again.
After being single a while, for me anyway, I like my own company and really it’d take someone very special to turn my head to thoughts of romance and happy ever afters.

Also, and here’s where my Mr Perfect list falls a bit short. I’m well an acquired taste… I’m a bit.. well.. niche. Herein lies a potential problem. The chances of my list and some gorge, clever funny guys matching are probably relatively slim. His list would have to look a bit like this:

Fussy eater
Contradictory
Enjoys her own company
An absolute bloody nightmare when anxious… and also along those lines-
Hovers mostly on the right side of sane but occasionally crosses into deep periods of self loathing and self pity
Can only connect on an emotional level with a time travelling timelord.
Irritable
Feminist soapboxer

You see my point??

These two lists are certainly niche and quirky.. but you know what? That’s how I like it.

Did I ever tell you about the time a psychic told me the love of my life would be quirky and a little ‘off the wall’… bodes well don’t you think?

I’m also thinking this Mr Perfect dude could probably be The Doctor (Doctor Who not the local gp, lovely though he is I’ve done the older man thing already)

Of course my ticklists may count for nothing when the love of my life rocks up, and sweeps me off my feet. I suspect life would certainly play that trick on me. That’d be OK too.

For now though I have my lists and whilst unlikely a box ticker will show up anytime soon, I’m not investing in cats just yet!

5 reasons I don’t mind being an old cat lady (and one reason I do!)


I’ve been single a long time.

There’s only about a handful of men (behave!) I am fond of.

Now, I’m in my later 30’s, I’ve 4 children so my opportunities for dating are rare (me having the inclination to date even rarer) so sometimes I do get to thinking, what if I’m single forever? What if I become the stereotypical crazy cat lady? Yeah the thought of that doesn’t worry me so much… Here’s why being single forever would be fine:

1) I can continue with my uncompromising, egocentric (when the kids aren’t here) life. I watch my crap telly, eat my fave dinners, go to my special places. I never have to take someone else’s wishes into consideration (again only when the small ones are away obviously!)

2) I’ll never have to pretend to like someone else’s family and friends. No matter how supremely lovely your other half is, there’ll always be one family member or friend that is an absolute pain in the arse. You have to put up with them though, because when you first met them you wanted to be all positive to your partner and told them you really liked them. I can’t feel sad I don’t have to hang about with knobs!

3) My space is my space.
My bedroom, my house, my favourite places, they’re all mine. No other grown up will be invading soon. I don’t want some ball scratching, sweaty man invading my Lush scented life!

4) I don’t have to do kid – related panic.
Will the kids like him? Will he like them? (course he will they’re amazing) When do I introduce them? When can we all do activities together? I imagine even if the much anticipated Mr Perfect were to come on the scene, the kid related anxiety would cause me great stress. Crazy cat lady doesn’t have such issues.

5) If I don’t fancy making an effort I don’t feel obliged.
When the kids are away if I want to only get changed to put on fresh pj’s post bath I can. If I want to hang about with no make up on, hair scraped into a ponytail, bra-less.. I can. No one is going to see. I expect should a boyfriend make an appearance I’m going to be obliged to get dressed… or shave my legs at the very least. Though if Mr Perfect was in fact that he’d be happy to come hang out in pj’s..he’d probably even bring Nando’s.

So I know, ending up scary cat lady should be a worry to me, I do. It really isn’t though, seems like a nice way to live!

Oh the one reason I don’t want that to be my fate though?? I really don’t like cats…. Scary book lady maybe??

Disclaimer : Should Mr Wonderful find his way into my world and all the above is forgotten. Don’t judge me! That’s merely a plan B!!