Tag Archives: motherhood

If Mother’s Day makes you miserable…

Mother’s Day for me is as much as a downer as Valentines Day , and that is saying something.

I don’t have a mum. She died almost 20 years ago. Before I was really a grown up , before I was a mum myself . I haven’t had a mum for a long time and I’m no longer grief stricken in that all encompassing , consuming way that fresh bereavement brings with it. I don’t have parents , that’s been part of my life for a very long time. I don’t weep everytime I think of it or flinch from talking about them.

Mother’s Day though that always feel like a bit of a stomach punch for me . It hits hard and it hurts and it lingers . I think it’s because it is everywhere. I have had emails everyday for about 3 weeks telling me to treat mum , buy her something special. TV ads are there too telling me to spoil my mum , get her a cute personalised card , take her out for dinner. Well you know what advertisers ? I’d love to. I’d be delighted to be able to take my mam out for dinner somewhere fancy , I never ever got to do that you see. I’d only just finished my A levels when my mum died . I wish with all my might that we could do a lovely Sunday lunch , my mam and my children , my sister and hers . I wish we could have one of those days the advertisers are shoving down our throats. I wish I could spoil her – only present I can remember getting her was a pack of dusters when I was about 7 because she’d been saying she needed new ones ( I’d like to think that my gift giving skills have improved since then)

Mother’s Day without a mum sucks , I’ve seen a few other people mention they feel they same over the past week or so on social media . I suppose it’s just because we are bombarded with what we are missing . Highlights the hole in your life.

It’s not just the lack of a mum that gives me the Mothers Day angst.

Then there’s the guilt of not enjoying THE day . It just all leaves me really flat and exhausted. A total fake of a day. That in itself makes me feel guilty , surely Mother’s Day should be spent dwelling on how bloody lucky I am to have these 4 amazing nutcases in my life. Instead I’ll be feigning happiness and joy that simply is stripped away from me on Mothers Day. I know that feeling this way stems from the toxic relationship I was in when I was first a mum and for the years after. Some of you may unfortunately know that big days and events that aren’t focussed on the perpetrator in those kind of relationships can be horrific. Kids birthdays , Christmasses well they were volatile enough but Mother’s Day ???Whole other level. You may be showered with expensive gifts in front of people to have them smashed to bits when you’re alone or you could be told that you’re too much of a shit mum to get a card on Mother’s Day . You don’t deserve it .

I think this is one of my few remaining hang ups left over from those times . Maybe I’d have conquered it with setting our own traditions and taking back Mothers Day like I have so much other stuff but the thing with it is I already feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails with not having a mum and I don’t really have the energy to fight THIS added problem that kills Mother’s Day stone dead for me .

Then there’s the other guilt . The one I get flicking through social media on days like today. The happy family pics the lovely posts. The mum dad and kids perfect family imagery. The guilt that I couldn’t give my lot this is painful. That they’ve never ever known that kind of family life ,that there was never any family happiness with 2 parents for them. I had that growing up and it was great ,I felt so secure in my place in the world as a kid and how loved I was. They’ve never been a part of a family in which they saw ME be loved as a human being by another adult human being. I know that probably sounds ridiculous to most of you but hey , my blog my nutty words !

There are many of us though, for whom Mother’s Day is painful .

There are a multitude of reasons why .

It could be that you’re not a mum when that’s all you want in the world , that must be almost unbearably hard.

Maybe you’ve lost a child , that would be a traumatic thing to deal with on a day celebrating mothers. I can offer no words of comfort there because I’m almost sure there are none.

Maybe you have an ill child , are ill yourself , have an ill mum and are dealing with just try to get through a day.

Maybe Mother’s Day triggers poor mental health , I’ve certainly been feeling as though an anxiety flare up could be on the horizon.

Maybe you are in an abusive relationship. Forcedly estranged from your mum and other family , feeling so alone and trapped . Told what a terrible mother and person you are , that you’re pathetic and useless , that your kids would be better off in care than with you. To you women let me just say this , you are outstanding , you are doing an amazing job in intolerable circumstances and you deserve to be free. You are worthy of love and of kindness , you are worthy of being supported and empowered not kept down and silenced . When the day comes that you are able to leave , all these things will find their way to you because it’s no less than you deserve.

Maybe you don’t have your children with you this mother’s day for one reason or another and there is a painful void .

I don’t have the answers on how to make this day more tolerable , bloody hell I’m here writing a blog post that is basically one long whinge.

All I can offer is that Mother’s Day is just one day . That’s my mantra . Just one day . The next day will be better , less pressured . Surround yourself with people who lessen your pain if you at all possibly can. Fill your own little world with people who make you feel better , even if that just means spending time alone. Me ? I will be having a day with these awesome individuals that make me realise that even the shittiest days can be tolerated. I’ll also be tossing about on social media as per usual so if anyone wants to chat I’ll be around . Whether that’s because you are struggling or you just want a distraction and fancy chatting about trash tv I am your girl

See you on the other side!

My Facebook page is here

Navigating Baby


Every other woman manages…

This is a line that has been trotted out to me a lot over the years.

By a man..

I shouldn’t talk about finding parenting hard work. Every other woman manages.

I shouldn’t mention how exhausted I am some days. Every other woman manages.

Shouldn’t moan that it all overwhelms me at times. Every other woman manages.

It’s been repeated to me so often through the years that half the time I do it to myself. Every struggle I come up against, I tell myself I’m not allowed to moan because every other woman manages.

It’s bullshit.

I know that.

The beginning of the the year started on a low. Not ideal because EVERYONE knows you’re meant to be better in January. I had a crisis of parenting confidence, I was filled with self doubt and in a right old strop with myself about how much of a rubbish mum I was . I should stop blogging too, certainly. I mean how could such an awful mother comment on parenting.

Then I realised.

Every parenting blog I love is written by mums who occasionally get it wrong or find it tough. The ones who don’t claim motherhood to be one long skip in the sunshine. That it’s hard work and full of self doubt.

I’ve always said my parenting style is one of “making it up as I go along” It works for us the vast majority of the time. I have four content, happy, bright, polite, quirky kids. They’re mostly clean (the teens can be a bit hit and miss). Well fed with nutritious food (though we did have pizza last night ) They’re good, kind people (except to each other on occasion)

So that’s OK isn’t it?

Why on earth should I hush about the hard bits?
More to the point why should I be letting a man hush me about my experience of motherhood?

Motherhood is hard.

From growing tiny humans in your actual body, to getting them out, to keeping them warm and fed and safe. Through school runs and parties and teenagers. It’s all really, really hard.

Every other woman manages?
Yes they do.
We absolutely deserve our spaces to talk about the days we don’t manage so easily, to talk about our struggles though. To find support and encouragement and empathy.

Someone a bit wiser than me told me during my brief flirtation with a meltdown this week “show me a parent who’s never made a mistake and I’ll show you a liar”
Very true words.

You know something else too. When parenting is a nice place there can often be an ‘all in it together vibe’. You can confess a mistake (that in all likelihood you’ve blown out of proportion) and some fine soul will tell you a worse one they’ve made.Let’s face it, the ex PM of our country once left his kid in the pub. I have NEVER done that!!

So here’s to talking about the tough bits. Here’s to the mum confessional. Here’s to non judgemental spaces . Here’s to knowing that actually behind the social media supermum act we all try to convey ( if it’s not even a tiny bit of front then well done to you…I’ll raise my post witching hour glass of wine to you) some days aren’t fun and that’s ok because some days really are. Let’s face it , if we all told the truth about motherhood and family life on social media it’d be a pretty whingy place. I love seeing all your happy family photo’s and being able to share peoples good news.

On the shit days though , if you want to offload that today’s been a bit tricky…I don’t mind! I’ll not judge. Maybe we should have a special offload Facebook page…just as a time out from the happy family stuff!

Having children really is a blessing , but even the most precious blessings drive you nuts some days.

My Facebook page is here

Me, Being Mummy

The Pramshed