Tag Archives: lists

The identity crisis bucket list! 

Earlier in the month I wrote about how now the children are getting older and a little less dependent I’m feeling about wobbly and unsettled about who I am as a woman, not just a mum. That particular self indulgent post is just here.

How do you find out who you are though? I’m a bit short on babysitters, time and cash to go off on some retreat of self discovery in the Himalayas for 6 months.

I thought a good place to start was think about things I like doing. The important word being I,rather than ‘we’. I know what we like doing as a family. I’ve spent the vast majority of the past 17 years finding things ‘we’ like doing and I really, really hope there are years and years of that to come.

I am lucky though in that I do generally  get a weekend a month to myself when my elder kids are with grandma and small girl is with daddy. I’ve even almost a fortnight in the summer holidays – that’s too long though I’ll be moaning about missing the kids by day 3. I’ve gotten better at utilising my child free time I did spend years just sitting home whinging about being lonely. I just need to keep doing that, maximising my free time . Try and find that woman that’s tucked away in here, rediscover the passions and interests that don’t lie solely on keeping these gorgeous human beings of mine alive and well.
I did what I always do.

Made a list.

It’s nothing earth shattering or awe inspiring but just a gentle start of remembering or discovering what makes me tick when the kids aren’t around.
Can I share them?

Go camping – on my own 

I’m a fan of doing stuff alone. I’m the advocate of the solo date, I enjoy my own company. I’m quite lucky where I live too with the Peak District almost on the doorstep so one weekend when I’m heartlessly abandoned by my children I’m just going to go walking up there. Look at beautiful scenery and collect my thoughts to the picturesque backdrop.

Go to Edinburgh fringe festival 

I’ve always wanted to do this. Wall to wall theatre and art. The children are away for over a week during the summer and I’m going to have myself a little holiday and head Northwards for some culture!

Exercise 

Stay with me here I’m not going to go all gym bunny on you. I loathe the thought of running and swimming so much so it actually puts me off doing it. This is really silly because when I do go for a proper run I do enjoy it. Working up a bit of a sweat with just my cringe worthy play list for company always makes me feel really good. Running is great for keeping my anxiety at bay too. So I’m going to stop being a lazy arse and get out there.

Write the book (or at least try) 

Everyone has a book I them don’t they say?  Mine is just struggling a bit with the getting out part. Do you know why? Because I feel daft. I worry that people would think “bloody hell we have to put up with her shockingly shite writing with her blog – who does she think she is writing a book?”

It could be true. I could invest time and effort only to produce the world’s worst book, but even if this were to be the case well it’d not have hurt anyone would it?

Let’s crack on with that.

Visit new places 

I read a short story by Jenny Colgan once called Paris For One. A woman gets stood up by her boyfriend and ends up visiting Paris alone. I’ve wanted to follow suit ever since.  I spent my younger years child rearing so have never really seen anywhere I’d have liked to yet. I might not manage Paris but I could start off with some UK cities surely?

So that’s my list so far.

I’ll bore you to death with tales of my adventures ticking them off but I feel so much happier just having written them down. I’ve showed them to you guys too so that means  I HAVE to do them right?
So here’s to making the most of child free weekends instead of moaning about abandonment.
After all the children certainly aren’t pining for me when they’re having fun at  grandma’s or having adventures with daddy!

 

 

 

Like my Facebook blog page to follow my adventures


 

 

The Boyfriend List

I, tongue firmly in cheek, allude to The Boyfriend List in this blog whenever I chat about my singleness or my absolute unshakeable belief that MY Mr Perfect is out there somewhere. I say ‘my’ Mr Perfect because obviously no one actually is perfect are they? I believe there’s someone out there who is perfect for me though.

During a particularly productive therapy session years and years ago I produced a list of characteristics my ideal partner would have. It became The Boyfriend List.

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Now I know EXACTLY what you are thinking. You’re thinking that’s pretty demanding list for a woman in her mid 30s with a whole brood of children. I know that’s how it appears.

Let me explain.

Back when I wrote this list I was still battle weary after the abusive relationship. I was also hugely aware that I was vulnerable.

Life after abuse is scary.

The problem with being tired and wounded and damaged is this : It attracts the very men you need to be well away from. Abusive men love vulnerability, to them it means malleable, easy to manipulate, easy to control.

Even back then I knew I wasn’t put off men forever. That I wasn’t sworn off relationships. It’s unusual to get to my age and never having been in love. I knew one day I wanted to give that a whirl (how on earth can I write my best selling rom com without ever even have had a sniff of the happy ever after stuff)

I was distrustful of my own judgement when I wrote the list. I also knew EVERY relationship I’ve ever been in had come about accidentally. There was never any desire or admiration or even the simple crush about them. I’d met someone, thought they were OK and fallen into a relationship I didn’t particularly want.

I never want to do that again.
So despite how it looks, my list really isn’t a demand.
It’s a promise. To myself.
It’s saying don’t settle.
It’s saying I deserve someone a bit special.
It’s saying even if he never shows you’re best on your own than in a shitty relationship.
It’s saying don’t lower your standards.

Also, as was pointed out to me – (my name is Kelly and I’m the least self aware person in the world) this list isn’t unreasonable.
I’m not asking to be woken in the morning to a specially assembled dawn chorus of trained birds before having breakfast brought in bed on a golden platter followed by out of this world, mind blowing sex. To later find myself spending the day on the yacht of my boyfriend, the most handsome man to walk the earth, lounging in my diamond shoes having my every whim catered to by an adoring man.
It’s really just asking for a decent human being.
That’s not too much to ask is it?

My Facebook blog page is here

The Pramshed

One Messy Mama

The problem with the Mr Perfect list (spoiler alert:I’m a bit weird)

Today started horribly with anxiety. So as the day has gone on and all my anxiety ridden quirks have made them self known I’ve done the only thing I really ever can now I’m coming out of the other side of it – laugh at myself and how bloody nutty I can be at times, whilst wondering what kinda guy would find my quirks endearing rather than irritating.

I have my perfect partner wishlist, I’m kind of brutal with it too.

Chatty
Lovely manners
Good with kids
Non needy
Respectful to everyone
Has opinions
Intelligent
Reads
Likes the theatre
Funny
Respects personal space
Creative
Optimistic in the main

This isn’t an exhaustive list, just a little sample and of course if a potential Mr Perfect popped along but hated the theatre, I could possibly work with that.

It may seem demanding to even have a list but as I’ve said before I’ve always fallen into relationships with Mr ‘he’ll do’ and I don’t want that again.
After being single a while, for me anyway, I like my own company and really it’d take someone very special to turn my head to thoughts of romance and happy ever afters.

Also, and here’s where my Mr Perfect list falls a bit short. I’m well an acquired taste… I’m a bit.. well.. niche. Herein lies a potential problem. The chances of my list and some gorge, clever funny guys matching are probably relatively slim. His list would have to look a bit like this:

Fussy eater
Contradictory
Enjoys her own company
An absolute bloody nightmare when anxious… and also along those lines-
Hovers mostly on the right side of sane but occasionally crosses into deep periods of self loathing and self pity
Can only connect on an emotional level with a time travelling timelord.
Irritable
Feminist soapboxer

You see my point??

These two lists are certainly niche and quirky.. but you know what? That’s how I like it.

Did I ever tell you about the time a psychic told me the love of my life would be quirky and a little ‘off the wall’… bodes well don’t you think?

I’m also thinking this Mr Perfect dude could probably be The Doctor (Doctor Who not the local gp, lovely though he is I’ve done the older man thing already)

Of course my ticklists may count for nothing when the love of my life rocks up, and sweeps me off my feet. I suspect life would certainly play that trick on me. That’d be OK too.

For now though I have my lists and whilst unlikely a box ticker will show up anytime soon, I’m not investing in cats just yet!