Tag Archives: identity crisis

A blog life crisis!

Warning – This may end up being one long whinge!

Extra warning – it’s blog related so lovely friends and family who read my stuff to be supportive , I’ll not hold it against you if you give this one a miss!!

I’ve fallen out with my blog a bit recently . I do that from time to time , decide I’m going to pack it all in then usually get a grip of myself within a couple days .

It’s a bit different this time though. I love writing my blog . At almost 4 and a half years this is the one hobby I’ve not gotten bored and dropped after a couple months! I’m just having a bit of a blogging identity crisis!!

My blog is quite like me ( unsurprisingly )It’s a bit clumsy and haphazard . As such I don’t think I’m really a ‘proper’ blogger. I mean :

I’ve been saying for years I’m going to go self hosted but I don’t like change and tech scares me !!

I don’t post regularly at the same time and days each week (I know that’s a golden rule !)

I just couldn’t do that. I just and write or type when I feel I’ve something to say. I can’t schedule that . Hmmm brain I have scheduled 2pm of a Thursday for creative genius if you don’t mind . I am just being daft here of course . I know some folk have weeks worth of posts all written up and ready to go . For me however , if I’ve felt motivated enough to get writing about it I want to tell people about it right now!!

I don’t have a niche ( another golden rule)

I did at the beginning . When this blog was just about life after domestic abuse , telling my story. I do go back to that and I always will because women have told me reading those kind of posts comforts them that they are not the only one going through it . That’s not the sum total off my life experiences though. I cover mental health and my anxiety disorder. I write about parenting though as the kids are getting older I seem to be doing a lot more writing about rediscovering who I am when I’m not mum. My blog has evolved to cover whatever is on my mind at any given time and honestly the way my brain works that’s pretty diverse.

My kids are the wrong age . Most of the bloggers I see and read and am aware of have much younger children than me . I cannot get the teens to play ball and look cute !

So you see , I’m just not sure I fit there but if not there where then?

I’m certainly not a writer , punctuation and I have deep seated issues and I’ve noticed I’ve started using the terms ‘gonna ‘ and ‘wanna’ a lot. Not a writers behaviour . I just write as I speak and unfortunately I waffle a hell of a lot .

I sure as hell aren’t an influencer. My Insta is a wreck due to a rubbish camera on my phone and the fact that neither my house , wardrobe nor kids are insta compatible!! I’ve never done a review or a giveaway or a sponsored post so that’s influencer out the window !!

So I’m just unsure of my place .

I guess really I’ve never bothered about fitting in in any area of my life before . I don’t know why I feel I should here .

I certainly don’t want to stop wittering away on my blog. It’s soooo much cheaper than therapy and even if I never published another post I’d still be scribbling away in my many notebooks !! Maybe on this one I just have to do me . Not get too caught up in niches and schedules and just continue to write when I’ve something to say. Waffle first and worry about where it fits later ??

Anyone else have blog crisis’ ?? Just me and my overthinking brain??

I found myself !!(in a theatre in Edinburgh)

Ok , I’ll level with you here. This is going to be a bit of an egocentric post. It’s probably going to also read like an X Factor sob story! Talk of a journey and everything!! Flying Without Wings should really be playing in the background!!….. I’ll keep it short??Deal???

Almost a decade ago when we moved away from home to a brand new city I was a much different woman to the one I am now. I was anxious and scared and damaged , I had not a clue who I was. Over the years I’ve ploughed my time into the obvious child rearing. I’d brought them across here , least I could do is to ensure they are happy and settled (turns out children are very adaptable )

Then I had a little wobble about how the kids were getting older and didn’t need me anymore and who am I? if they don’t need me?

I wrote an identity crisis bucket list , things I wanted to do because I loved them. To try to ‘find myself’ (urgh I know, so sorry did warn you of x factor speak …though I did also say I’d keep it short I guess!)
On the list was Edinburgh Festival. Something I’d always fancied. A whole weekend of theatre ….sign me up!!
When I was alone on my trip was when I realised. I needed to prove myself to myself of all people.

I’ve shaken off negative words from toxic relationships. I no longer believe it all to be true. I also no longer believe I am worthless and the worst mum. I don’t believe people cringe when I speak and I bore everyone.

I’m not bluffing either. I don’t believe those things about myself anymore.

Yet here’s the thing. Up until this weekend I did expect that was how I was seen by others. I did worry my chat bored people silly and they found me dull and boring.That I was just that mum with a load of kids in other people’s eyes.

I spoke to so many different people last weekend though , men ,women all different ages and that worry that I was dull and had nothing to contribute never crossed my mind once.

Then I realised, THIS is me. That real me I’d been searching for. I’m sociable and chatty and friendly. I’m not anxious about chatting to strangers ,I like it. I’m the woman absolutely in her element in a gorgeous city with lovely people with wall to wall to theatre.

That’s me

I quite like her

My Facebook page is here