Tag Archives: dating

The perils of a teenage crush….. when you’re way too old for that! 

I’m a bit crushy right now. It’s all fantastic and fun and I’m having the best time. I just can’t help feeling I’ve come into all this stuff a bit late in the day. I’m a bit of an oddball in that at 37 I’ve never done the ‘love stuff’… . ever! ! I’ve probably done a bit of low level crushing but that’s as far as it goes. I just don’t (didn’t) get giddy over guys. So I’ve got to tell you there are distinct perils of waiting till you’re 37 to develop a teenage crush.

It’s really quite unbecoming 

Love that word!! Anyway giddily smiling at your phone over a cute text or sat  daydreaming all gooey eyed does not suit a woman of my age. People would take one look and either think I’m on some kinda drug or are just a bit vacant!!
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It’s tricky to know how to play it

I mean back in the day I last had a major crush when I were about 7 this did the trick. .

A grown mum of 4 doesn’t really have these options at her disposal.

What do I do in this position? I don’t bloody know and I don’t want to look like a total idiot who doesn’t know how to deal with men.

Spoiler alert : I am a total idiot who doesn’t know how to deal with men.

Do I answer texts right away? Can I just call at any time? Should I be playing hard to get? Sigh….

I really should have gotten this stuff out of the way when I had way more time on my hands!

My mental health ‘quirks’ confuse matters

Aaawww you know when you’re all crushy over someone? Butterflies in the tummy, a little appetite loss, replaying little moments in your mind to give them a second go, you sometimes get a little bit breathless around them?

WELL. Which bloody genius decided to make all these things also my anxiety symptoms. Not very well thought out this one! Sooo confusing.

Welcome to Kelly’s new quiz show… Adoration or Anxiety? ?? Thriller it is!

I behave like the opposite of me

I’m not really emotions girl.

I’m certainly not affection girl.

I’m certainly, certainly not public handholdy girl *vomits *

Until I am….

I don’t recognise myself – I’m not quite up to love poetry or heartfelt sentiment yet. Getting there though. I mean not long back whilst looking at the object of my crush I thought to myself “You’re so gorgeous”. . . Unfortunately it accidentally slipped out of my mouth-seriously Kelly get a bloody grip ! ! I suppose though if being around someone rounds off your sharp spiky edges a little bit or manages to negotiate the 10 foot high electric fence you surround yourself with – well that’s got to be a positive.

So you know it is quite cringey for a grown woman to be floating about like a besotted teenager, it’s just I didn’t do it back then you see? I’m just on catch up with the rest of you! Should you guys fancy an insight into my actual teen years though, just lay on your bed reading and avoiding the world for a couple of years.

However cringey it is though-in the current climate, I think that anything that makes you smile is probably worth holding onto for a little while! !!



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Naptime Natter

Date me! : I’m a chronic overthinker … 

Really, you’d have to be as nuts as I am to date me. My anxiety disorder often manifests itself in over thinking . I can work myself up into a frenzy about situations that are never going to happen. I can decide what OTHER people are thinking about me and make that fact in my mind. I grab hold of one comment someone has made and obsess over it relentlessly, make the highest  mountain of the tiniest molehill and it always ends with me being in a panic.

So I can either drive myself even more nuts worrying about it or I can laugh at how ridiculous I am at times.

I choose the latter.

It has become apparent that dating is the ideal place for my anxious  over thinking to thrive. Let’s face it, in this kind of scenario EVERYONE is trying to put the best version of themselves forward. You want to be liked. That’s how it works.

Poor unfortunate souls who date me though? They’re already fighting an uphill battle.

What he’ll say : You look amazing tonight

What I’ll take from that : aaaaw he fancies me! I’m rocking this dress!. ..errrrm hang on a minute. I look amazing TONIGHT? Has he been thinking I look rubbish every other time he’s seen me? Oh my! What on earth was I wearing last time? I must burn that outfit immediately.

What he’ll say : You can choose where we eat. I’ll eat anything.

What I’ll take from that: Ah how considerate, he knows I’ve odd little food ‘quirks’ … Oh wait, he obviously thinks I’m really high maintenance. He said he’ll eat anything – the undertone being that I’m a problem, my food dislikes are the barrier to us eating somewhere nice. He’s going to think I’m too much hard work and dump me!

What he’ll say : I’ve found us a new cocktail bar to try, you’ll love it.

What I’ll take from that : He’s so cute thinking of me when I’m not there.. .. although ‘us’? ? ? Did he just use’ us’? Bloody hell stop pressurising me, stop trying to encroach on my space you’ll be trying to move in next! While we’re at it-I’ll love it? ! Sure we’ve done cocktails often. Sure I’ve always raved about how much I’ve enjoyed it. Sure he’s been lovely enough to take time to get to know my likes and dislikes. Thinking he knows what I’ll love though? Cheek of it! Slow down Mr Telepathic!

What he’ll say : You’re fantastic to be around, I’m so relaxed around you.

What I’ll take from that : Yay! Yay! Hot guy thinks I’m great… Relaxed though? Relaxed? Is he saying I’m boring? Like he’s so ‘relaxed’ he’s borderline comatose because my company is so dull?

What he’ll say : I’ve got you a surprise!

What I’ll take from that : Ooo he’s so into me he’s getting me gifts! Eeeek this is awesome! Surprise though, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DOES IT HAVE TO BE A SURPRISE? It could be anything, what if it’s something I don’t like and I’ve gotten this whole scenario wrong thinking he really gets me to discover he really doesn’t? He knows about my anxiety, why is the word surprise even in his vocabulary?

– upon receiving lovely, thoughtful gift. .

Yes but what does it MEAN though?

*brain explodes*

I mean, I think I do quite well and manage to control the over thinking most of the time and I can certainly cover up the underlying rabidness but I’ve also come to accept this is just part of what makes me, me.
The right guy will find it endearing I’m sure.. Or learn to live with it at least. I have to! !


My Facebook page is here

 

Shameless plug : If you like my nonsense and fancy nominating me in the #BiBs2017 you can do so just here http://www.britmums.com/nominate-for-the-bibs2017/

 

Packing up the emotional baggage that was never even mine

I’ve been telling you for ages now about how healed I finally feel years after I left the abusive relationship. Therapy, this blog and time were a really helpful trio is aiding this and I feel mentally more healthy in so many ways.

I’ve accepted as fact though that I’ll always have my little ‘issues’ left over from that relationship. I accepted I’d been damaged and some of that was irreparable, but that’s life I just had to get on with it.

That’s bullshit.

You see I’ve come to realise many of my ‘little issues’ are in fact not mine at all and there’s no chance I’m carrying around someone else’s baggage around with me forever.

Let me try to explain…

My lack of confidence in my parenting ‘issue’

Yep that was never mine.

I think I’m doing an OK job. Some days I’m supermum, some days I’m locking  myself in the bathroom and wondering what on earth I’m meant to be doing. I’ve come to realise this is how many (dare I say most) parents find parenting. A roller coaster of joy and worry?

The issue here belongs to the person so aware of his own crap parenting that he needed to make someone else doubt themselves at every turn to make himself feel better and essential to my existence.

He can have that one back.

My emotional ‘issues’
Yeah I’m cold and unfeeling. I struggle to express my emotions and in fact emotions as a whole terrify me…

More bullshit…

Here I am, in this very blog expressing my feelings and emotions. To other people. Often over sharing in fact (sorry about that! )
It turns out I feel a whole myriad of emotions which from time to time I even manage to express quite articulately (ssshhh don’t tell about the rogue grammar and excessive exclamation marks!)

The issue here was with the person who stifled my emotions in the first place, who belittled me expressing my feelings. The person so threatened by a chatty, intelligent, ambitious woman he had to squish all that out of her by one way or another.

He can certainly have that one back.
The icy ‘keep away’ wall that lingered around me long after he did should have only ever have been built around him… . Preferably with no door. .. and a with a lid… and then buried. …. Anyway I digress… but yes, not my issue.

My intimacy ‘issues’
This was quite a clever one to make me believe was mine. It allowed him to retain a bit of power long after he’d gone.

I hate touching and affection – well seems when I’m relaxed and comfy in another persons company I’m actually quite the fan!

If I let another person see me naked what with me being so grotesque his eyes would dissolve at the sight.  – trickier to get over this one, I grant you. We suffer enough with body confidence as women as it is, particularly when you’re a mum.

After an abusive relationship though when that’s been a huge weapon in his armour you’re going to disregard anything positive a new person will tell you, ignore compliments. The ‘fat and ugly’  voice in your head is louder. 
Not forever though.  When a positive, complimentary voice  is consistent and you choose to allow THAT voice to be louder… Well it turns out the ‘fat and ugly’ voice shuts up eventually.
A multitude of sex ‘issues’. I was probably best celibate forever –
Again, tricky. I decided to own this one though. Warn anyone I got involved with how awful at sex I am. I may have used the line “honestly if I was reviewed like on TripAdvisor I’d get 1 star” (a REAL issue I have is thinking I’m funny-it’s a family thing)
Turns out (and I detect a recurring theme here. .. Comfortable… Relaxed. . ) not my issue either!
They were the issues of a man who needed me to totally believe the only person who would ever be interested in me was him.
These are getting so much easier to return to sender.
After all the big stuff this is going to sound daft. The ‘issue’ I got worked up over the most though was that I knew, definitely I’d never ever be able to sleep in a bed with a man.

How would I explain this to a new boyfriend I was trying to enthrall and interest? Where in all the flirting do you slip in “can you sleep on the sofa please a man in my bed  freaks me out”
Come on , you can’t do that I’d think to myself . It’s OK I’d just lay in bed and pretend to sleep. Keep up the illusion of being a normal human.
That’s genius…Oh except ..I can only even fake sleep if I’m at the side of the bed nearest the door. I can’t possibly even breath if there’s a person laid between the door and I , he’s going to spot the crazy there immediately.
I was a lost cause, how sexy is a panic attack at 2am because you’re at the ‘wrong’ side of the bed?
This turned out to be the most insignificant worry ever. Again – relaxed and comfy around the right person  I can sleep soundly, even more amazing I didn’t even realise I’d slept the whole night at the wrong side, away from the door, until much later.
This one had been my issue. Caused by another persons behaviour then magnified ridiculously by my own brain.
So if I could overcome issues that were partly mine. Well the ones that belonged to other people, mislabelled as mine? Certainly time they were packed into the suitcase marked ‘Someone Else’s Baggage’ and said goodbye to for good!

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The once a month boyfriend plan…

A while back now I decided maybe I’d had enough of the single life. That maybe after getting on for a decade single I was ready to dip the teeniest tiniest toe into the dating water. 

Big decision for me. 

I’ve spoken on this blog about how I’m feeling healed from the abusive relationship. That I’m finally feeling stronger and more content and happier in myself. I also know as well though that letting someone in, lowering the barriers even a little, makes me vulnerable. 
For me that’s really quite scary. 

There’s also the time factor, I’ve 4 children for goodness sake. Date night windows are few and far between other than during school hols when the kids generally abandon me for grandma. Whilst I’m mentioning the kids that’s another thing. We don’t need a dad here, we don’t need a positive male role model. We are a cosy comfy family of 5 and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. 

Ever adaptable though I came up with a plan. I could, if I could find anyone willing, date on my terms. Tiptoe into the world of relationships rather than take a big huge running leap. 

Surely there had to be a man who fancied the same. The fun of a great date without the pressures of a serious relationship. Maybe a guy with a busy life of his own, not looking to be married off within the year. It’s a long shot but the plan was formed. 

I’m not saying it’d be a very strict 4th weekend every month between the hours of 7pm Friday and 7pm Sunday. Pencilled in for strict romance, bedroom action and good conversation I’m nuts but not that nuts. 

 Just what would be great would be to meet someone who would be happy to see each other when the opportunity presented itself. 
Someone who understands I’ve 4 children and don’t really want a guy around them. Come on I selfishly want something that’s JUST mine. 
Someone who’s just looking for the occasional great weekend, time out from being parent. To find non family activities, to explore the most un child friendly restaurants we can. 
Unfortunately trying to articulate what I want is hard. 

“I don’t want anything too serious ”

Well that seems to translate as I just want casual sex. 

” I just want someone who’s company I enjoy”

Yeah get some friends lady. 

A combo of the two is the vomit inducing ‘friends with benefits’ and that’s certainly not it! 
Dating and all it entails, emotion and intimacy and friendship, only slowed right down that’s what I want . You know when you fast forward the adverts if you’ve recorded a movie and you speed it up to x 32?. . . Well I’m looking at keeping at x 2,moving onto x 4 if you don’t scare me off! 

The thing is this. I’m healed from the abuse, or as much as I ever will be. My mind and emotions are clearer and healthier than they have been in years. However I have very little faith in my own judgement. So it all has to be done at a snails pace, or a Kelly’s pace-it’s really the same thing. 

Tiptoe Tiptoe Tiptoe. 

No grand gestures. 

No declarations of love. 

No pushing. 

Just relaxed, good company and a bit of romance until I get the hang of being someone’s girlfriend again. 

It’s a big ask, I know, to find this person. I’ve said for a long time my next boyfriend will have to be the world’s most patient man. 

I’m not really willing to settle for anything less though. 


My Facebook page is here

The Summer boyfriend plan..

Being single suits me, I quite like it. In the main I’m a bit of a solitude loving kind of girl.

When the sun is shining though, it even manages to thaw my icy heart a little and my mind wanders to thoughts of a bit of romance. Handholding on a gorgeous summer stroll, snogging in the sunshine.

It’s all a guy in Wales fault. Can I bore you with that story?
One summer we were holidaying in Wales, my eyes wandered to a picturesque stream with the background of stunning Welsh hills. There by the stream was a picnic going on. A romantic picnic for two. This guy had gone all out. Beautiful picnic basket, lovely blanket, the perfect surroundings. The food was laid out like a feast of cooked meats and various salads. He’d baked the bread that morning with his bare hands (OK I’ve made that bit up but I bet he did. Kneaded it with love) Champagne in the ice bucket. Just perfect. Anyway it touched even me miss perma – single sceptical ice maiden. I actually thought aaaww

So the sunshine now does make me think I could do the summer romance. I’d quite like Mr super picnic himself but he seemed to be taken. I mean given my track record I’d find a guy who thought a dairylea sandwich in a car park the height of romance, but we’ll see.

So I’m leaving a gap for the summer romance although a boyfriend is JUST for the summer DEFINITELY not for life (yeah I know bit weird – I’ve intimacy issues leave me be)

I think it’s a good plan for a love – phobe like me.

My kids are away for 2 blocks of a week at a time during the hols, summer boyfriend could be like a little hobby to keep me busy.

Obviously there’d be strict parameters.
No love stuff
No wanting to be around me ALL the time.
A very strict end point, say 1st Sept? Where we can shake hands, say thanks for a lovely summer and leave it there.
Just beer gardens, picnics and bbq’s, sweetness and niceness and all that stuff

Infallible plan don’t you think?

Now, just to locate a hot, funny guy with impeccable manners and similar commitment issues… Shouldn’t be too hard..

If it doesn’t work here’s why it’s great to be single in summer , never let it be said I don’t cover all angles!

My FB page is here if you like my nonsense! https://m.facebook.com/kellyandthekidsblog/

Dating after domestic abuse

When I first left the abusive relationship I was sure I never wanted another boyfriend, ever. For a while afterwards this was the case. It was so freeing and new to be on my own just the kids and I doing things my way , making my own decisions. I’m still enjoying it years on , so much so I still can’t imagine ever being in a serious relationship , I certainly don’t think I could live with anyone again.

Now and again though I do think it’d be nice to have someone special. An actual grown up to spend time with , a bit of affection perhaps even a bit of romance (I know high maintenance eh?!)

The thing is after you’ve been in an abusive relationship, dating is a minefield. There’s so much scope for old anxieties to resurface , to fall back into negative thought patterns. I can only tell my story but there really are a lot of hurdles to overcome.

One of my main problems when I’ve given dating a shot is that it highlights how skewed my view of myself is and how the damage that was done in all the years of living in an abusive relationship is still apparent. Compliments are difficult for example. If someone tells me I look nice or I’m funny or anything positive at all I dismiss it instantly. They’re just being polite I think or even worse they’re thinking I look terrible and are having to lie. That’s a really warped thought pattern , I know that. The thing is being told you’re fat and ugly and disgusting everyday for years on end is going to have an impact.Years of being told that noone would want anything to do with me , I’ve 4 children and the body to prove it , has left me guarded. Trusting when someone tells you you’re fantastic is a risk , you believed someone when they told you that before and look how that turned out?

My next boyfriend is going to have to be the world’s most patient man.

Then there’s *whispers* sex ssshhh. Another mental minefield. Another thing associated with trauma. Along with the body worries there’s also the fact I’ve not done it in AGES!! What if I am rubbish at it ?! I worry I’d zone out mid event as was the way I got through it back then. That’d be fun eh??

The next guy is going to need to be so patient he would make Mother Theresa look a bit cranky!!

Then there’s the big one. Trust.
It’s not what you think either , it’s not that I don’t trust men or that I think they’ll all treat me terribly. I really don’t believe that to be true . I don’t trust my own judgement though.

I’ve always said my perfect boyfriend would be someone who was happy to just see me once a month for dinner and romance and the bedroom stuff , with more time in the school holidays when the kids were away! Good plan eh?

I know this is an unrealistic scenario. Men I’ve known have wanted to move along quite quickly and it put me off straight away.I’m certainly not ready to jump into anything with both feet. I don’t know if I ever will be.

So you see dating is a tricky game to play for me . I like meeting new people , I enjoy the company of interesting men and I hope one day I will have my Mr Perfect in my life ….it’s just the actual dating bit I could do without!!

It turns out though, the only way to get over all the hang ups is to actually get out there and do it! Practice makes almost perfect. Bad dates are as helpful as lovely ones.
The bad ones help you realise that your self esteem has grown to a point that deciding a person is just not right for you is OK.

The good ones? Well if like me you’re naturally suspicious of men as a species after bad experiences, there’s hopefully going to be someone who comes along and presses the reset button. Who has you decide actually this is the benchmark for the future.When someone is respectful and kind and thoughtful  you kind of make an internal deal with yourself that this is the only way you’ll stand to be treated in future. It doesn’t have to be love of your life stuff (one step at a bloody time) but just enough to make you set the bar high.

We’ve been through the mill and not treated well enough, but that really doesn’t have to be our lot.

Setting high standards isn’t a thing of arrogance it’s self preservertion.


My Facebook page is here

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