Tag Archives: dating

Blogtober day 12 – 5 tips for dating someone with anxiety

When I’m anxious , it’s horrible for me . Noone wants to feel like their breathing is so uncontrollable they might just pass out . Noone enjoys that horrible feeling of a thousand thoughts , most of them negative whizzing around their brain at a dizzying pace. It’s a horrible debilitating condition .

Not just for me going through it either . When anxious the kids get irritable mum , the one who is so sensitive to noise sssshhh is out of her mouth way more often that it should be. Friends and people around me get distracted me , the one who is going to need telling again when she is feeling better exactly what you told me just now because I’m nodding and trying so hard to listen but I just can’t take it on board.

So then imagine dating me ?

Obviously when anxiety is nowhere to be found I am a delight!!All sparkling conversation and wit and charm……or something….

During an anxious period , not so much! I can’t be the only one , so if you’re dating someone who suffers with anxiety there might be some tips here for you. Obviously everyone is different and I can only speak for myself but here goes .

I will cancel on you

This is likely nothing to do with you.

When anxiety strikes people are tricky. Even people I really,really like are a struggle. Now if I’m dating you I really really really like you as not many get that far. So I’ll try really hard to just push through. Only added to the people phobia is that voice. The anxiety voice telling me he doesn’t want to go out with me anyway , why would he ? I’m dull I’m boring I’m just an anxious drain , in fact he’s probably only involved with me because he feels sorry for me.

Regular me knows all that to be anxiety fuelled nonsense. Anxiety ridden me knows FOR SURE that this is the truth.

So I’ll probably cancel. Get under my duvet and spend a few hours worrying about if you’ll ever want to see me again with me being such a pathetic flake.

Anxiety is exhausting.

Prepare yourself for contradiction

Again can only tell my story , but during an anxious bout I want to be left alone . I don’t want chat or touching or made to talk about how I feel. Except….ALL I want is company of someone I trust and touching and holding and reassuring words.

Goodness knows what chances another person has of getting it right when I have no clue myself.

Sometimes silence is key

When anxious I become so oversensitive to noise . People talking normally will really get to me as it feels too overwhelming. I’m already exhausted because as detailed above having 3 million thoughts a minute wears you out . So sometimes I’m going to just need to lay under a blanket with you , no words, no small talk just silence and knowing you’re there will calm me.

You may get dumped

In my case you’ll certainly get dumped. I’ll decide that there’s no point continuing with this . Tell you to go find someone ‘normal’. Even if I really like you , especially if I really like you . How on earth could I expect anyone to put up with this anxious mess on a regular basis?

Truth is , I’m just giving you an out . I know I can be hard work when anxiety strikes . Especially if I’ve not mentioned I’m feeling anxious and you just think I’m going off on one because I’ve gone off you. So I’d understand if you can’t deal. I’m really hoping you won’t take that out though , I’m hoping you’re going to ride this out with me . It takes a special kind of a person to do that though so if that’s not you best you do run for the hills.

Once you learn the cheat codes it’s so much easier

You know the old fashioned games consoles where if you knew the cheat codes you could get never ending lives or some bonus. Well it’s kind of the same with people.

My anxiety is pretty predictable , it creeps up gently , gives me a rough couple of days then fades again. My reaction to it is equally predictable. I get a bit needy , I look for constant reassurance . If you can recognise the signs that I’m having an anxious day and even better then know how to comfort me then we’ll be just fine. I was once having a particularly bad anxious day ,all self loathing and horrid so employing the ‘lets just finish this’ technique detailed above. The (correct) response from the (lucky?!) guy in question was to suggest a duvet and a nap , and if I still wanted to dump him later that’d be fine!! Mr Smarty Pants was obviously right to my surprise and when questioned how he knew I was just anxious answered “I just know your anxiety cheat codes by now”

Caring about someone with anxiety can be tough , as I for one struggle to verbalise my feelings and so therefore my behaviour can seem odd. Anxiety makes me irritable and full of doubt and self loathing . It makes me exhausted and lethargic and drains me of energy. It can make huge changes to my personality ,it makes me needy and I bloody hate feeling like that. I’m a strong independent woman not that one under a duvet asking for her hair played with.That must be a lot to deal with.

It takes someone special to be the reassuring voice without getting frustrated by the need for it .

Someone special to invest in knowing me well enough to know that stroking my hair and shhhhh ing me like a baby can help when an anxiety attack strikes.

To be patient and to care about me when I don’t much care about myself.

Anxiety is not a constant in my life though , I’m lucky these days it’s just a rare visitor. So if you can put up with the occasional rough day it’s so worth it for all the sparkling conversation and wit and charm I told you about at the beginning….and I make an awesome pie !!I’m a catch , honestly!!

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Tammymum
Mission Mindfulness


The Pramshed

Date me! : I’m a chronic overthinker … 

Really, you’d have to be as nuts as I am to date me.

My anxiety disorder often manifests itself in over thinking . I can work myself up into a frenzy about situations that are never going to happen. I can decide what OTHER people are thinking about me and make that fact in my mind. I grab hold of one comment someone has made and obsess over it relentlessly, make the highest mountain of the tiniest molehill and it always ends with me being in a panic.

So I can either drive myself even more nuts worrying about it or I can laugh at how ridiculous I am at times.

I choose the latter.

It has become apparent that dating is the ideal place for my anxious over thinking to thrive. Let’s face it, in this kind of scenario EVERYONE is trying to put the best version of themselves forward. You want to be liked. That’s how it works.

Poor unfortunate souls who date me though? They’re already fighting an uphill battle.

What he’ll say : You look amazing tonight

What I’ll take from that : aaaaw he fancies me! I’m rocking this dress!. ..errrrm hang on a minute. I look amazing TONIGHT? Has he been thinking I look rubbish every other time he’s seen me? Oh my! What on earth was I wearing last time? I must burn that outfit immediately.

What he’ll say : You can choose where we eat. I’ll eat anything.

What I’ll take from that: Ah how considerate, he knows I’ve odd little food ‘quirks’ … Oh wait, he obviously thinks I’m really high maintenance. He said he’ll eat anything – the undertone being that I’m a problem, my food dislikes are the barrier to us eating somewhere nice. He’s going to think I’m too much hard work and dump me!

What he’ll say : I’ve found us a new cocktail bar to try, you’ll love it.

What I’ll take from that : He’s so cute thinking of me when I’m not there.. .. although ‘us’? ? ? Did he just use’ us’? Bloody hell stop pressurising me, stop trying to encroach on my space you’ll be trying to move in next! While we’re at it-I’ll love it? ! Sure we’ve done cocktails often. Sure I’ve always raved about how much I’ve enjoyed it. Sure he’s been lovely enough to take time to get to know my likes and dislikes. Thinking he knows what I’ll love though? Cheek of it! Slow down Mr Telepathic!

What he’ll say : You’re fantastic to be around, I’m so relaxed around you.

What I’ll take from that : Yay! Yay! Hot guy thinks I’m great… Relaxed though? Relaxed? Is he saying I’m boring? Like he’s so ‘relaxed’ he’s borderline comatose because my company is so dull?

What he’ll say : I’ve got you a surprise!

What I’ll take from that : Ooo he’s so into me he’s getting me gifts! Eeeek this is awesome! Surprise though, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DOES IT HAVE TO BE A SURPRISE? It could be anything, what if it’s something I don’t like and I’ve gotten this whole scenario wrong thinking he really gets me to discover he really doesn’t? He knows about my anxiety, why is the word surprise even in his vocabulary?

– upon receiving lovely, thoughtful gift. .

Yes but what does it MEAN though?

*brain explodes*

I mean, I think I do quite well and manage to control the over thinking most of the time and I can certainly cover up the underlying rabidness but I’ve also come to accept this is just part of what makes me, me.

The right guy will find it endearing I’m sure.. Or learn to live with it at least. I have to , he’s not run for the hills screaming yet!!!

My Facebook page is here


Tale of Mummyhood
Cup of Toast

Lucy At Home

The once a month boyfriend plan…

A while back now I decided maybe I’d had enough of the single life. That maybe after getting on for a decade single I was ready to dip the teeniest tiniest toe into the dating water.

Big decision for me.

I’ve spoken on this blog about how I’m feeling stronger and more content and happier in myself lately. I also know as well though that letting someone in, lowering the barriers even a little, makes me vulnerable.
For me that’s really quite scary.

There’s also the time factor, I’ve 4 children for goodness sake. Date night windows are few and far between other than during school hols when the kids generally abandon me for grandma. Whilst I’m mentioning the kids that’s another thing. We don’t need a dad here, we don’t need a positive male role model. We are a cosy comfy family of 5 and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Ever adaptable though I came up with a plan. I could, if I could find anyone willing, date on my terms. Tiptoe into the world of relationships rather than take a big huge running leap.

Surely there had to be a man who fancied the same. The fun of a great date without the pressures of a serious relationship. Maybe a guy with a busy life of his own, not looking to be married off within the year. It’s a long shot but the plan was formed.

I’m not saying it’d be a very strict 4th weekend every month between the hours of 7pm Friday and 7pm Sunday. Pencilled in for strict romance, bedroom action and good conversation I’m nuts but not that nuts.

Just what would be great would be to meet someone who would be happy to see each other when the opportunity presented itself.
Someone who understands I’ve 4 children and don’t really want a guy around them. Come on I selfishly want something that’s JUST mine.
Someone who’s just looking for the occasional great weekend, time out from being parent. To find non family activities, to explore the most un child friendly restaurants we can.
Unfortunately trying to articulate what I want is hard.

“I don’t want anything too serious ”

Well that seems to translate as I just want casual sex.

” I just want someone who’s company I enjoy”

Yeah get some friends lady.

A combo of the two is the vomit inducing ‘friends with benefits’ and that’s certainly not it!
Dating and all it entails, emotion and intimacy and friendship, only slowed right down that’s what I want . You know when you fast forward the adverts if you’ve recorded a movie and you speed it up to x 32?. . . Well I’m looking at keeping at x 2,moving onto x 4 if you don’t scare me off!

The thing is this. My mind and emotions are clearer and healthier than they have been in years. However I have very little faith in my own judgement. So it all has to be done at a snails pace, or a Kelly’s pace-it’s really the same thing.

Tiptoe Tiptoe Tiptoe.

No grand gestures.

No declarations of love.

No pushing.

Just relaxed, good company and a bit of romance until I get the hang of being someone’s girlfriend again.

It’s a big ask, I know, to find this person. I’ve said for a long time my next boyfriend will have to be the world’s most patient man.

I’m not really willing to settle for anything less though.

My Facebook page is here

The Summer boyfriend plan..

This is an oldish post , but this summer I seem to have managed to organise a few lovely plans with current crush. So I’m back in the train of thought of my summer romance and thought i’d dig it back out.

Being single suits me, I quite like it. In the main I’m a bit of a solitude loving kind of girl.

When the sun is shining though, it even manages to thaw my icy heart a little and my mind wanders to thoughts of a bit of romance. Handholding on a gorgeous summer stroll, snogging in the sunshine.

It’s all a guy in Wales fault. Can I bore you with that story?
One summer we were holidaying in Wales, my eyes wandered to a picturesque stream with the background of stunning Welsh hills. There by the stream was a picnic going on. A romantic picnic for two. This guy had gone all out. Beautiful picnic basket, lovely blanket, the perfect surroundings. The food was laid out like a feast of cooked meats and various salads. He’d baked the bread that morning with his bare hands (OK I’ve made that bit up but I bet he did. Kneaded it with love) Champagne in the ice bucket. Just perfect. Anyway it touched even me miss perma – single sceptical ice maiden. I actually thought aaaww

So the sunshine now does make me think I could do the summer romance. I’d quite like Mr super picnic himself but he seemed to be taken. I mean given my track record I’d find a guy who thought a dairylea sandwich in a car park the height of romance, but we’ll see.

So I’m leaving a gap for the summer romance although a boyfriend is JUST for the summer DEFINITELY not for life (yeah I know bit weird – I’ve intimacy issues leave me be)

I think it’s a good plan for a love – phobe like me.

My kids are away for 2 blocks of a week at a time during the hols, summer boyfriend could be like a little hobby to keep me busy.

Obviously there’d be strict parameters.
No love stuff
No wanting to be around me ALL the time.
A very strict end point, say 1st Sept? Where we can shake hands, say thanks for a lovely summer and leave it there.
Just beer gardens, picnics and bbq’s, sweetness and niceness and all that stuff

Infallible plan don’t you think?

Now, just to locate a hot, funny guy with impeccable manners and similar commitment issues… Shouldn’t be too hard..

If it doesn’t work here’s why it’s great to be single in summer , never let it be said I don’t cover all angles!

My FB page is here if you like my nonsense! https://m.facebook.com/kellyandthekidsblog/


Musings Of A Tired Mummy

Reasons everyone should have a ‘date night’…on their own!

Firstly I hate the term date night , it’s up there with ‘me time’ for phrases that make me want to pull my hair out! You know what I mean though don’t you? Getting all dressed up with somewhere to go?

Well the best night out I’ve had in ages was last year.I got all dressed up , made a bit of an effort. I went into Manchester to an Italian for dinner ,got the tram up to media city and had a glass of wine looking out onto the water then went to see Wicked which was one of my favourite stage shows I’ve ever seen.

All on my own.

I know my love of going out on my own isn’t to everyone’s tastes. Frankly , many people think me a bit nuts. That’s ok. I even went on holiday alone last year , maybe that’s a step too far for most people.I do think though that everyone should have a tiny taste of it . It’s good for the soul, I’m sure of it. Here’s why :

You don’t have to compromise

You fancy Chinese , have it .There’s no added extra person who you have to take account of. As a mum there is ALWAYS someone elses tastes and views and likes that I have to take into account when I do anything. There’s a certain freedom in being able to do whatever the hell you like , feels a bit naughty too. I fancy going to that restaurant everyone else hates…who’ll stop me?! That kind of thing.

It gives you chance to reconnect with your own brain

I know the term ‘reconnect’ is a bit tossy , sorry. What I actually mean is we’re all busy , all the time, the kids need at least a bit of your attention constantly. Even when they’re in bed asleep ,part of my mind is always on the listen out should anybody need me. So to get out on your own with no mum chores to do , no one needing your attention , no need to even have a conversation with anyone else feels nice. Your mind is all your own. I always do my best thinking at these times ( not that my thinking is a thing of genius but just to stop and slow down feels good)

You can remind yourself of what YOU like

In our house we have spaghetti bolognaise every week. It’s the kids favourite so we have it. When I go to an Italian restaurant though I’m still tempted to order it because I think “ooo I love bolognaise”…but I don’t. The kids love it so we have it . I really aren’t a big fan. My children have, over the years, brain washed me. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that maybe you go to the cinema to see rom coms because the people you go with like them and you’re actually into horror …go see your movies (actually horrors on your own might be scary-probably don’t do that)

People are nice

Obviously other people don’t really factor into the going out alone thing , but humans are unavoidable in the main so stay with me. You find when out alone you end up chatting with people you otherwise wouldn’t. On my night to see Wicked just before the show started the two women sat by me were making small talk and by the interval I was drinking wine with them in the bar. They were really interesting women and as I love hearing peoples stories it added a special something to the night! Then of course if you’re dining alone the waiter will often upgrade your wine to a large at no extra charge. The sympathy wine. Tastes all the better for it. Same goes for the pity flirt…all adds to the nights fun!

You can fully immerse yourself in what you are doing

This might just be me but I have a tendency to daydream never fully giving my attention to one thing fully. I think it’s a practised mum skill for when you have to have three different conversations at once. No matter what it is I’m doing I’m usually doing something else at the same time, whether that’s missing a vital moment in Eastenders because I was looking at Twitter on my phone or making a mental To Do list whilst cooking dinner. If I am out at the cinema or theatre with another person it extends to that. Yes I’m watching the movie or the show but part of me is wondering if they’re ok, are they enjoying it ?Are they gong to want a snack at the interval? When it’s just me and the big stage in front of me I am absolutely engrossed and enthralled. I really did spend a couple of hours in Oz on the night of Wicked.

So there we go. Don’t get me wrong there is no better feeling than sharing a magical night with someone special. I’d never say otherwise. There is though a certain selfish magic in spending time on your own. I obviously go to the crazy end of the scale , I’d happily holiday on my own. There’s no need to go that far. Maybe a coffee you’ve not had to make and mug you don’t have to wash with a trashy mag would do the trick?

“Reflections

 


Mission Mindfulness

 

Dating after toxic relationships

I like being single , I like not having to worry about another adult. Relationships I have been in have always been at best disfunctional and at worst abusive and I just don’t have it in me to do that again. I can’t imagine ever being in a serious relationship , I certainly don’t think I could live with anyone again.

Now and again though I do think it’d be nice to have someone special. An actual grown up to spend time with , a bit of affection perhaps even a bit of romance (I know high maintenance eh?!)

The thing is after you’ve been in a toxic relationships, dating is a minefield. There’s so much scope for old anxieties to resurface , to fall back into negative thought patterns. I can only tell my story but there really are a lot of hurdles to overcome.

One of my main problems when I’ve given dating a shot is that it highlights how skewed my view of myself is and how damage done in toxic relationships is still apparent. Compliments are difficult for example. If someone tells me I look nice or I’m funny or anything positive at all I dismiss it instantly. They’re just being polite I think or even worse they’re thinking I look terrible and are having to lie. That’s a really warped thought pattern , I know that. The thing is being told you’re fat and ugly and disgusting everyday for years on end is going to have an impact. I’ve 4 children and the body to prove it . I’m guarded. Trusting when someone tells you you’re fantastic is a risk , you believed someone when they told you that before and look how that turned out?

My next boyfriend is going to have to be the world’s most patient man.

Then there’s *whispers* sex ssshhh. Another mental minefield. Another thing associated with trauma. Along with the body worries there’s also the fact I’ve not done it in AGES!! What if I am rubbish at it ?! I worry I’d zone out mid event as was the way I got through it back then. That’d be fun eh??

The next guy is going to need to be so patient he would make Mother Theresa look a bit cranky!!

Then there’s the big one. Trust.
It’s not what you think either , it’s not that I don’t trust men or that I think they’ll all treat me terribly. I really don’t believe that to be true . I don’t trust my own judgement though.

I’ve always said my perfect boyfriend would be someone who was happy to just see me once a month for dinner and romance and the bedroom stuff , with more time in the school holidays when the kids were away! Good plan eh?

I know this is an unrealistic scenario. Men I’ve known have wanted to move along quite quickly and it put me off straight away.I’m certainly not ready to jump into anything with both feet. I don’t know if I ever will be.

So you see dating is a tricky game to play for me . I like meeting new people , I enjoy the company of interesting men and I hope one day I will have my Mr Perfect in my life ….it’s just the actual dating bit I could do without!!

It turns out though, the only way to get over all the hang ups is to actually get out there and do it! Practice makes almost perfect. Bad dates are as helpful as lovely ones.
The bad ones help you realise that your self esteem has grown to a point that deciding a person is just not right for you is OK.

The good ones? Well if like me you’re naturally suspicious of men as a species after bad experiences, there’s hopefully going to be someone who comes along and presses the reset button. Who has you decide actually this is the benchmark for the future.When someone is respectful and kind and thoughtful you kind of make an internal deal with yourself that this is the only way you’ll stand to be treated in future. It doesn’t have to be love of your life stuff (one step at a bloody time) but just enough to make you set the bar high.

We’ve been through the mill and not treated well enough, but that really doesn’t have to be our lot.

Setting high standards isn’t a thing of arrogance it’s self preservertion and when you do meet someone that gives you all the tummy flutters and smiling at your phone like a loon at cute texts (spoiler alert – so have !!) well it makes waiting for the right one and being that bit picky and cautious totally worth the wait

My Facebook page is here