Tag Archives: anxiety symptoms

The perils of a teenage crush….. when you’re way too old for that! 

I’ve been banging on a bit recently about a certain lovely guy. It’s all fantastic and fun and I’m having the best time. I just can’t help feeling I’ve come into all this stuff a bit late in the day. I’m a bit of an oddball in that at 37 I’ve never done the ‘love stuff’… . ever! ! I’ve probably done a bit of low level crushing but that’s as far as it goes. I just don’t (didn’t) get giddy over guys. So I’ve got to tell you there are distinct perils of waiting till you’re 37 to develop a teenage crush.

It’s really quite unbecoming 

Love that word!! Anyway giddily smiling at your phone over a cute text or sat  daydreaming all gooey eyed does not suit a woman of my age. People would take one look and either think I’m on some kinda drug or are just a bit vacant!!
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It’s tricky to know how to play it

I mean back in the day I last had a major crush when I were about 7 this did the trick. .

A grown mum of 4 doesn’t really have these options at her disposal.

What do I do in this position? I don’t bloody know and I don’t want to look like a total idiot who doesn’t know how to deal with men.

Spoiler alert : I am a total idiot who doesn’t know how to deal with men.

Do I answer texts right away? Can I just call at any time? Should I be playing hard to get? Sigh….

I really should have gotten this stuff out of the way when I had way more time on my hands!

My mental health ‘quirks’ confuse matters

Aaawww you know when you’re all crushy over someone? Butterflies in the tummy, a little appetite loss, replaying little moments in your mind to give them a second go, you sometimes get a little bit breathless around them?

WELL. Which bloody genius decided to make all these things also my anxiety symptoms. Not very well thought out this one! Sooo confusing.

Welcome to Kelly’s new quiz show… Adoration or Anxiety? ?? Thriller it is!

I behave like the opposite of me

I’m not really emotions girl.

I’m certainly not affection girl.

I’m certainly, certainly not public handholdy girl *vomits *

Until I am….

I don’t recognise myself – I’m not quite up to love poetry or heartfelt sentiment yet. Getting there though. I mean not long back whilst looking at the object of my crush I thought to myself “You’re so gorgeous”. . . Unfortunately it accidentally slipped out of my mouth-seriously Kelly get a bloody grip ! ! I suppose though if being around someone rounds off your sharp spiky edges a little bit or manages to negotiate the 10 foot high electric fence you surround yourself with – well that’s got to be a positive.

So you know it is quite cringey for a grown woman to be floating about like a besotted teenager, it’s just I didn’t do it back then you see? I’m just on catch up with the rest of you! Should you guys fancy an insight into my actual teen years though, just lay on your bed reading and avoiding the world for a couple of years.

However cringey it is though-in the current climate, I think that anything that makes you smile is probably worth holding onto for a little while! !!

 

Not Just The 3 Of Us

A calm, quiet bout of anxiety…

I’m in the midst of an anxiety wobble right now. In fact I’m writing this as a distraction technique (I recognise that writing about the thing I’m trying to distract myself from seems a bit odd – anxiety is an irrational arsehole)

I’ve no scary physical symptoms today though. I’m not shaky, I don’t have the annoying facial numbing that often turns up. I’ve not vomited. My legs aren’t wobbly.

Neither am I in a panic.
I don’t have feelings of dread.
I don’t even feel scared.

Yet this kind of anxious moment is the most troublesome to me these days (I’m so grateful for that too. The most troublesome part of my anxiety used to be an all consuming fear of fainting crossing the road with the kids with me) that I no longer have to suffer the horrors that anxiety used to gift me with daily is something I really am very grateful for. These days though these seemingly calm moments of anxiety are the worst, nothing physical going on except an ever so slight quickening in my breathing pattern. It’s all going on in my mind though which is a bloody pain.

I’m over thinking… this is never good.

I’m not having deep thoughts about the state of the country (though that would certainly be worthy of a good solid panic) Instead I’m taking tiny things and blowing them out of all proportion. I’m assuming the fact small girl’s daddy hasn’t texted me back within 5 mins means something dreadful has happened and my overactive imagination is filling in the gaps (that are not even there!) about exactly what this could be.
What it likely is is that he’s not a phone obsessive like me and he’ll just not be by his phone right now. I know this.
I can rationalise.
I do know that my brain is just playing tricks on me but right now in the moment that doesn’t help at all. Anxiety is a total bellend in that respect.

So although I’m sat quite calm, functioning perfectly well with mum tasks (there’s talk of a Trivial Pursuit game in a sec, they’ll wipe the floor with me and my shot concentration) still the mind is racing.

I’ll be fine in a bit. I know I will. That’s the reassuring thing with my experience of anxiety. I know it won’t last. 

For now though I could just do with someone to stroke my hair and make soothing sssshhhing noises. Oooo in fact did I not say earlier in the week that next time anxiety hit I wanted to be read to by Thierry Henry and his lovely soothing voice? Let’s do that… I bet he’d be good at the hair stroking too.. and I bet he smells soothing… Anyone have his number???

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