Tag Archives: 40

The big 4-0 …

I have 2 and a half months left in my 30’s.

Oooo that does sound a big deal now I’ve written it down !

When I was younger I wasn’t mad keen on turning 30 yet here I am looking 40 directly in the eye ….and I’m excited for it !

I wrote a few years back about how getting older isnt so bad and I’m still in that headspace really. My life has turned out very different than I ever would have planned as a teenager. Back then at nearly 40 I’d have imagined I’d be Prime Minister by now . I had huge ambitions and grand plans to change the world .

I was a pretty dull teen really ,never did all the fun naughty stuff ! In my teenage years I lost both my parents so I guess maybe in hindsight the teenage years were never going to be a life highlight for me .

My twenties were spent pregnant and child rearing . 3 babies under 3 by the time I was 24 meant the most extreme tiredness I’d ever known. I wasn’t away at university doing that politics degree teenage me had planned .I had to adapt my plans and make them a little more family friendly. 3 under 3 was tiring but there was also something fun about it . The elder 3 all similar ages and into similar stuff. We had fun I think. Sometimes amongst the chaos fun was had , I hope they think so too. I hope their memories aren’t clouded by shattered mum being a bit grumpy or noise and too much having to share . I remember one year making Christmas cards for people and us sat in a little conveyor line of glue and glitter and sticking and sparkle . The memory makes me smile .I hope they have some of that too.

The majority of my 20s were also spent in the abusive relationship. Trying to be invisible , trying not to take up any space ,trying to not draw any attention to myself. Stifled and sore and scared . I think probably your twenties should be when you learn who you are a bit and when you begin to develop as a person . Only I had to do the opposite of that and undo who I was to try and placate him. I had to dismantle all the bits that made me me that he found annoying and try to rebuild into someone he liked , that he approved of (Of course I now know I could never have changed into what he wanted as what he wanted would have always changed. I would never , no matter what I did , be good enough in his eyes )

I left before I was 30 , I had another baby in the mix, was living in a brand new town away from home , away from everyone I loved bar these 4 little people . More unexpected events.More things that didn’t fit with my teen plans.

My 30’s were spent rebuilding.

It took way longer and was way harder than I ever would have thought. There were still toxic voices in my life and it took years to realise that I could silence them.

Thirties was hard but I know myself now. I can decipher between what I was told I was by hateful voices and what’s actually true.

So here , approaching 40 I think there’ll be even more self discovery and things I can learn about who I am. I look forward to embracing them and testing myself and just pushing to find out what I’m capable of.

Parenting is strange once the kids get older. You find yourself with all this time. Time you’d have thought back in the chaotic days you’d ever see again . So that timing along with approaching 40 just feels like the hugest of opportunities! I always said when I turn 40 I want to run a marathon. When I turn 40 I want to see new places . When I turn 40 I will be finished writing that bloody book!!

That’s exciting!!

I can’t wait to meet 40 *

*Disclaimer should I actually have a huge I’m 40 meltdown when my birthday comes around can someone please direct me to this post !! Thanks !

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