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Blogtober – day 3 -Share a poem for poetry day

With thanks to Annette at 3 Little Buttons for her blogtober prompts

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober prompt is share a poem.

I really should have tried to write a poem. That really would have been a creative challenge for me I don’t think I’ve written poems since school , which is a shame really as I do love poetry. I shall write a poem ..it’s on the to do list and now I’ve told you guys I have to do it.

For now let me share a poem with you from the super talented Holly McNish about parenthood , and timely again for a woman trying to work out who she is when not mum …about precisely that , how we lose our own identity for a while.

Hope you enjoy

https://www.channel4.com/news/poet-hollie-mcnish-motherhood

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Blogtober – Day 2 – Bucket list

With thanks to Annette at 3 Little Buttons for her blogtober prompts

I am taking part in blogtober and attempting to blog every day this month. Today’s Blogtober prompt is Bucket List.

This is a timely one for me as I’m going through a transformative phase with the blog . Sort of going from parenting blog to …what do I do now they’re growing up and who am I when I’m not mum blog.

Maybe need a snappier title.

I wrote this week about approaching 40 and how I’m looking forward to it. I know there are many lists out there of things to do before you’re 40. I started reading them LAST birthday and wrote all about how I didnt think I was capable so I’m not going to go on about all the stuff I have roughly 10 weeks to do .

I have a different kind of a plan for 40.

40 is when it all begins for me right?

The kids are older . I have this weird thing called free time now . I need to start using it to discover the answer to the old Who Am I? conundrum.

So instead of a bucket list of things to do before 40 , I have a few things I want to do WHEN I am 40 , after I’ve turned 40 . Less time pressure and more focus on a bit of good old self discovery.

I’ll share a few :

Run a marathon

This was something eldest and I discussed years ago . One day we’d love to run a marathon,just to say we had. I think in my head back then it had to be London , but tricky to get a place so currently in my head it’ll be Manchester next April. If the body complies or not is a whole other thing.

Give something back

When I left the abusive relationship I was lost and scared and supremely overwhelmed. I talk often on my blog about The Freedom Programme and how doing that course saved me . Next year and for the foreseeable really I’d like to give more women the chance to do this so maybe raising money for the womens centre where I did it could help that , and I guess I could combine that with the marathon running.

Finish the book

Been writing a book all my life I think!

One is coming together nicely but I do need to dedicate time to it to try and pull it all together and I suppose see if it’s even any good or not . Some of this free time I talk of definitely needs to be sent the books way.

Visit new places

I’ve been nowhere . Seen nothing . I had babies in my 20’s and grand plans were on the back burner a while . Doing some exploring in my 40’s has been in The Plan for a while now and I am really excited about this one .

Learn something new

I absolutely bloody adored school. I loved learning . I’d very much like to go back to college and learn something new. Conversational French for the European adventures maybe ,an actual writing class to pull along this book?! I don’t know yet but think the brain could do with a new challenge!

So there we are some of the things on my when I’m 40 bucketlist ! Can’t wait to get cracking!!

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Blogtober : Day 1 – All about me

This year I’m joining in with #blogtober and attempting to blog everyday this month working around prompts to try and get the brain ticking and the creativity flowing !! Good luck me!!

Today’s theme is all about me which is pretty timely at the moment as I’m in a bit of a phase of trying to work out who I really am now the kids are getting less dependent I’m not entirely sure who I am beyond mum ….but I hope to find out .

In the meantime I thought I’d give you 10 facts about me for people who’ve not read the blog before !!!

1) I’m a single mum with four children. With only 2.5 years between the elder 3 . I’m not entirely sure how I coped with the baby days but now they’re 11, 16, 17 and 19 everyone gets a lot more sleep!!

2) I started blogging to document life after abuse .

I hoped to be able to write relatable posts that might help people .

Over the past few years though it’s evolved to me talking about whatever pops up in my head covering feminism ,single parenting , mental health , parenting older kids , approaching 40 and still banging on about domestic abuse.

3) I like dates for one !

I am often found out for out for dinner or at the cinema or theatre alone .

I really love it !

4) I have a fish phobia

It extends to swimmy ones *vomits* and ones served on plates and honestly if I even manage to make the kids fish fingers I have to decontaminate the oven and every plate that has been touched and really contemplate finding new children that hate fish .

5) I’m theatre mad

I love the theatre so much . I’m lucky living in Manchester as there are loads of gorgeous little theatres here as well as the bigger ones.

The highlight of my year is going to Edinburgh Fringe Festival and having days and days of non stop theatre. It’s very good for my soul.

6) I have very strange crushes

I like to think that I’m just not shallow as opposed to just weird . When I crush I crush hard , it’s all encompassing (I know I’m nearly 40!!!)

Past Kelly crushes have included Chris Evans (ginger not Hollywood) Andy Murray *swoon* and Peter Capaldi and the current apple of my eye is the speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow.

7) I am from Hull. Greatest city in the land.

I moved away from home over a decade ago after leaving an abusive relationship and I miss it often.

It’s the best , with it’s very big bridge and very small window. Cream phone boxes and chip spice .

Also home to the best , most friendly people I’ve ever known .

8) I’m a huge bookworm

Reading is just my greatest pleasure. Finding a good book just lifts my soul ! I do probably go on a bit on social media about what books I’m reading but I often find new books from other people sharing on social media so just trying to help.

9) I love Doctor Who

Never would have seen it I don’t think had I not had kids but thought they might like it , which they did and I fell in love too . If ever I have spare time I’ll put on some Who. If I’m having a bad day I’ll put it on and it is the ultimate for a good old therapeutic weep !!

10) I overuse exclamation marks!

As you’ve probably noticed.

I know it’s annoying but it’s like a compulsion. I did read that Donald Trump does it too though so that can’t be good . Must work on this one .

So that’s me Kelly from Daydreams of a Mum.

Happy Blogtober!

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The big 4-0 …

I have 2 and a half months left in my 30’s.

Oooo that does sound a big deal now I’ve written it down !

When I was younger I wasn’t mad keen on turning 30 yet here I am looking 40 directly in the eye ….and I’m excited for it !

I wrote a few years back about how getting older isnt so bad and I’m still in that headspace really. My life has turned out very different than I ever would have planned as a teenager. Back then at nearly 40 I’d have imagined I’d be Prime Minister by now . I had huge ambitions and grand plans to change the world .

I was a pretty dull teen really ,never did all the fun naughty stuff ! In my teenage years I lost both my parents so I guess maybe in hindsight the teenage years were never going to be a life highlight for me .

My twenties were spent pregnant and child rearing . 3 babies under 3 by the time I was 24 meant the most extreme tiredness I’d ever known. I wasn’t away at university doing that politics degree teenage me had planned .I had to adapt my plans and make them a little more family friendly. 3 under 3 was tiring but there was also something fun about it . The elder 3 all similar ages and into similar stuff. We had fun I think. Sometimes amongst the chaos fun was had , I hope they think so too. I hope their memories aren’t clouded by shattered mum being a bit grumpy or noise and too much having to share . I remember one year making Christmas cards for people and us sat in a little conveyor line of glue and glitter and sticking and sparkle . The memory makes me smile .I hope they have some of that too.

The majority of my 20s were also spent in the abusive relationship. Trying to be invisible , trying not to take up any space ,trying to not draw any attention to myself. Stifled and sore and scared . I think probably your twenties should be when you learn who you are a bit and when you begin to develop as a person . Only I had to do the opposite of that and undo who I was to try and placate him. I had to dismantle all the bits that made me me that he found annoying and try to rebuild into someone he liked , that he approved of (Of course I now know I could never have changed into what he wanted as what he wanted would have always changed. I would never , no matter what I did , be good enough in his eyes )

I left before I was 30 , I had another baby in the mix, was living in a brand new town away from home , away from everyone I loved bar these 4 little people . More unexpected events.More things that didn’t fit with my teen plans.

My 30’s were spent rebuilding.

It took way longer and was way harder than I ever would have thought. There were still toxic voices in my life and it took years to realise that I could silence them.

Thirties was hard but I know myself now. I can decipher between what I was told I was by hateful voices and what’s actually true.

So here , approaching 40 I think there’ll be even more self discovery and things I can learn about who I am. I look forward to embracing them and testing myself and just pushing to find out what I’m capable of.

Parenting is strange once the kids get older. You find yourself with all this time. Time you’d have thought back in the chaotic days you’d ever see again . So that timing along with approaching 40 just feels like the hugest of opportunities! I always said when I turn 40 I want to run a marathon. When I turn 40 I want to see new places . When I turn 40 I will be finished writing that bloody book!!

That’s exciting!!

I can’t wait to meet 40 *

*Disclaimer should I actually have a huge I’m 40 meltdown when my birthday comes around can someone please direct me to this post !! Thanks !

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3 Little Buttons

So now where do I fit ?

Soooooo here I am , back blogging and I cannot tell you what a relief it is . Sounds a bit nuts but I need this . It’s such a huge aid to good mental health and creativity (in the loosest sense of the world )is good for well-being right?

I wrote earlier in the week about my extended break and how I came to realise the days of the parenting blog were behind me . I’m sure there’ll be the very occasional post mentioning the kids because how could there not be? If I’m writing about my life they’re going to feature but they’re no longer the focus. It’s not fair on them to share their business and to be quite frank they’re pretty low on material these days , busy working or getting an education!! Not the comedy gold they once were!

So in this big old blogging world I now have a slight identity crisis . Where do I fit ?

Can I still (virtually) hang out with the parent bloggers?? I hope so , those guys are the best . They are where are the giggles and the wine is ! I think I’m going to have to just wildly hang on to their coat tails as I simply don’t fit anywhere else.

I can’t be a lifestyle blogger ! Have you seen the state of my Instagram?? Lifestyle bloggers have pics of themselves in their huge , gorge pristine kitchens draped over their fridges like Kim K . Yesterday I posted a pen lid I found in my cleavage ! (I’m here by the way should that kind of ground breaking content float your boat) Lifestyle bloggers are groomed and have beautiful clothes . I’ve currently my hair tied up because I stupidly thought it had another day in it before it needed washing and am sporting a Harry Potter nightshirt with mismatched pj bottoms. If I did an OOTD it’d read like a jumble sale . Yeah I just wouldn’t fit in there.

Travel bloggers – maybe I could join them. I’m 40 this year and now the kids are getting older I’ve plans to have some adventures. See places I never have (I’ve seen nowhere . I went to Kos once that’s the extent of my travels) . I am going to fix that though and I do have plans . Maybe one day I can join those guys , but not yet. I don’t think the jetsetters chatting of their trips to Tibet would welcome me discussing my trip to Aldi and debating which of the two Aldis in my vicinity is the better one (it’s the smaller one , they changed everything around in the bigger one and confused me) So maybe not travel bloggers just yet.

Oooo FOOD , maybe I can be a food blogger. Write about what you know , that’s what they say eh ? I know food. Food is one of my favourite things ever. I could definitely do this . Except , I’m a bit fussy and stuck in my ways. I’m one of those annoying people who go to the same places and order the same thing every time. I’m also the holder of many food ‘quirks’ shall we say . I cannot abide sharing platters -do.not eat off the same plate as me , do not let plates with something on I don’t like touch mine and no actually nearly 40 I may be but if my meal arrives with something on the side I don’t like I cannot pick it off .Dinner is ruined , I bid you good day !!!

Yeah food is off and I can’t do a cooking or craft blog because all the cooking and crafting talent in this house comes from the kids.

I could be an interior blogger , all chalky paint and feature walls .

*Looks around the house * yeah nah let’s leave that one .

Ok well I guess I’ve never had a niche with my blog . Even though I’d say it would be predominantly parenting based I have a tendency to go off on a tangent. I get distracted easily. I’ve never been a blogger to write certain times on certain days (even though I know that’s what we’re supposed to do ) I write when an idea hits that I just need to get from my head to the screen . Sometimes it’s parenting related , sometimes feminist ,sometimes mental health and often domestic abuse.

If I have a theme at all from now it’s going to be – woman fast approaching 40 who has spent half her life child rearing and is now ready to do some of the things she missed by having children so young whilst being so grateful for her amazing little family who are all starting to stretch their wings without her .

Not a very ‘gram -able hashtag that though is it ?!!

Find me on Facebook  Twitter and Insta to see where I get to on this new journey!!

3 Little Buttons
Musings Of A Tired Mummy

 

Reclaiming my voice

Friends I’ve got to be honest with you . I thought this blog was dead . There was no funeral or fond farewell or even so much as a goodbye but it had faded to black . Fellow bloggers will know that feeling when inspiration hits and you think “ooo that would make a good blog ” This was still happening to me , my draft folder is full to bursting. When I sat down to write the blog though , to turn an idea into to a few hundred words it just wasn’t happening for me .

Type a sentence.

Re read it.

Find a problem with it.

Delete it .

And repeat…..

My lack of blog action for once though was not a result of the dreaded bloggers block.

It was worse than that.

I’d begun to write for someone else , or maybe more I’d begun to read my blog AS someone else.

Last year my blog was discovered by people who really didn’t like how I told my story. When you cover domestic abuse and toxic relationships , well I guess if people recognise themselves in the stories you tell they’re not going to like it.

I’ve always been super careful to not focus on the perpetrators of my abuse in this blog. It’s not a vendetta against any man perceived as ever having done me wrong. I think those of you who’ve read a while and in fact anyone who flicked through old posts can pick up on that. I hope so anyway. This isn’t about them. It’s about me , and all of you who identify. That’s who I tell my story for .

Knowing people had found it though , and been pretty vocal in telling me altered my mindset . I was over analysing every sentence, every word. What would they think to that? Do I want them to know what I’ve been doing ? Is that sentence provocative to them? I’d write things and not dare press publish. I’d have ideas I daren’t elaborate on.

My blog began because it was therapeutic to get the jumble of thoughts whizzing around my head onto the page. May sound dramatic but not being able to , or feeling this huge sense of self censorship did impact negatively on my mental health. This is my safe space , my tiny corner of the internet to talk, to exercise my voice. Only my voice was now silenced .

Just as it was when I was involved in those toxic relationships.

So friends , we’re back ! Me and my voice ready to blog the shit out of life (and given the current state of affairs in this country hardly like I have no inspiration)

Daydreams of a Mum is going to head along a new path though. The parenting blog, I think, has run its course. My elder children are 19,17 and 16 even the little one is 11. There are no cute toddler stories here ,no first day of school tips , no potty training wisdom.

Instead my new focus is going to be on finding out who you are once the kids get that bit older . Rediscovering yourself ,and the adventures you are freer to have when you don’t need to lug a change bag and a buggy around. Rediscovering your identity after so many years of simply being mum . I’m turning 40 too this year which is adding to my need to find myself I think.

Of course you guys know my propensity for going off on a tangent so expect domestic abuse posts , mental health posts , current affairs and my crazy crushes too.

Mainly though let’s go on this journey to find out what’s left over of you after 20 years of parenting and which parts of you haven’t even been unearthed yet.

It’s going to be quite the adventure.

I hope you’ll come along !

Kelly xxx

Navigating Baby</div div align=”center”>Musings Of A Tired Mummy

 

Here we are again…

This blog started as as anonymous blog .

My first ever blog post was entitled 5 years later . 5 years after I’d left the abusive relationship. No one really read it , I didn’t write it expecting anyone would. It was just therapeutic for me to get the whizzing thoughts out of my head onto the page , onto the screen .

We’re many more years on now .

That date is still on the horizon though . Many years later maybe I should call this post??

I want this to be full of positivity , how you can get out of that situation,how you can be free , how you can have a happy life if you’re currently living with abuse . You can too .

This year for me though has been a bit different. I’ve had to accept that damage done all those years ago doesn’t necessarily stay buried . That once you conquer this freedom thing it’s not all easy . That’s it’s not all up up up from there .

This year I’ve had to confront the fact that I’ve been (probably irreversibly ) damaged by abusive and toxic relationships.

That these relationships have had huge impacts on my mental health and still do .

That I am forever changed by what happened to me .

That other people got to shape who I am now no matter how much I resent it.

It’s tough to take . It’s hard to accept but you know what? I do accept it . I embrace it .

My mental health is susceptible to wobbles , my self confidence can be damaged , my life can be a chaotic mess.

So this wobbly , damaged mess . Well I kind of have to own it .

You see this year has been tricky but I’ve also continued to grow.

When I left the abuse the hardest thing I found was that I naively thought when I left I’d all of a sudden snap back to being the girl before him. I got so frustrated with myself that I carried all the damage with me and never managed to shake it off . I just wanted to drop every hang up and shake off every bad habit I’d picked up .

HOWEVER . ……Many years later ….

Many years later I can stand to be hugged .

Many years later I feel I am able to give my opinion without fear.

Many years later I can wear whatever I like even those skirts that make me look ‘fat’

Many years later we can celebrate birthdays without fear of consequence.

Many years later I can leave the house when I want to return when I want

Many years later I can write this blog , which people have told me helped them and what a bloody honour is that?

Many years later I can tell the truth about what happened in those dark times .

Many years later I can trust friends and get close to people emotionally.

Many years later I can sleep in the same bed as a man and not need to neurotically sleep at the door side of the bed …

In the same way many years later I can be in a space and not plan an escape route the second I enter a room .

Many years later I can breathe .

So yes it’s been a tougher year than these updates usually are , I’ve felt like I’ve gone through abuse all-over again at times .

Many years later though …..many years later I am here and not there and I can’t think of anything more important than that .

We develop a survival technique , women like us . We may forever appear insane to those who don’t understand . We’ll probably always be on the edge of a wobble or a stumble . We’re also resilient and strong and no matter where you are on your personal journey ,I hope you know that.

You rock

Xxx

If Father’s Day makes you feel bad

My track record with Father’s isn’t great .

My own is dead , I do not live in a nuclear family with either of my childrens’ .

Father’s Day then can be pretty tough.

I’m sure some of you can identify.

Those of us without a dad around to cook for , or take for dinner or spoil well it hurts . Even if years have passed ,like they have for me ,the emails shooting in your inbox advising us to spoil our dad ,get him the perfect gift , take him for the perfect day out ? They sting a bit . I’m not going to spend the day crying in a corner with grief . I’m not going to weep seeing people on social media putting posts on about how fab their dad is. In fact I like them , they make me happy and make me smile. Not having parents doesn’t make me resent other people having that (most of the time !)

We’ll all think of our dads I’m sure. Maybe tell a tale or two.

Some of you may have never known your dad ,again Father’s Day must sting a bit.

Some people may have had a terrible father – absent, abusive , estranged . You may see happy families everywhere you look and wonder why you never got to have that. Feel sad that you’ve not had this relationship through no fault of your own. I hope if that’s you you have other people in your lives who have stood by you , supported you , loved you .

Mums who aren’t with the fathers of their children . Having to feign delight at the kids best dad EVER cards , having to help them make lovely gifts and cards resenting your time spent doing this . Doing it for the kids through gritted teeth. Passive aggressively weighing up whether to equal your rubbish Mother’s day gift for shitness (Mr Grumpy socks anyone) or whether to rise above it , be a bigger person .

To mums whose children’s dads simply are not part of their lives , treat yourselves . It’s tricky when you are all people to your child , breaks are hard to come by. Pencil in 10 mins with a trashy mag or a long bubble bath when the kids are in bed if that’s possible. You’re doing an amazing job in tough circumstances and you rock!

Mums in abusive relationships with their children’s fathers. Being expected to run around after him and serve him even more than usual. Whose presents will not ever be good enough , whose meals will be mocked and thrown at the wall , whose efforts and attempts to create one day of calm will never ever work. Well I just hope you get through it .

To all these people , it’s just one day. Father’s Day at least . Get through it however you need to . Be kind to yourselves . Stay away from social media if that helps or enjoy other people sharing the love . You know what works best for you .

To all the fab dads out there …. have a fab day of being celebrated and spoilt …even if that means being woken up at the crack of dawn by overexcited kids desperate to hand over their gifts !!

See you on the other side !!

Xxx

The People Puzzle

Check me out – actually blogging , like an actual blogger !! I’ve been lame recently ,well for a while now. I thought this blog had probably come to the end of its natural life. I’d deleted WordPress from my phone. Had stopped promoting posts , joining in with the linkies I love and just finished . People had come across my blog , people who don’t like what I have to say, people who are part of the story I tell and didn’t like the way I told it. It quietened me a little and made me self censor and if I’m going to censor my own thoughts this blog becomes redundant really. ANYWAY I missed my blog and everything about it . Seems when you use something as an outlet for your thoughts and then you stop ,all those thoughts stay whizzing about in your head and that’s no good for anyone .

So thats my explanation for being missing in action , shall I get on with what I wanted to talk about now ??

I always thought myself a fairly antisocial person. That I wasn’t keen on people as a whole and that my own company was much better than people en masse and really I was a happy little hermit .

What I definitely am though is a little lacking in the old self awareness.

Dealing with toxic people has altered my mindset over the years. When the elder 3 were little I went years without real adult social interaction as we all do , an abusive relationship was isolating as they are , low self esteem added to the mix made me think I didn’t really need ‘people’ in my life , I wasn’t used to it and I didn’t miss it.

I must take the time here to say that I still and always will crave and love my own company. Dinner and theatre alone is the ultimate treat. I will forever be an advocate of the solo date , you can read why here .

What I was missing though when I believed I was better avoiding social situations was the concept of choice.

No I don’t want to be around people who drain me ,I wrote about drains and radiator type people and I absolutely stand by that. I don’t want to be around people who make me feel crap. I don’t want to be around dementor type people who suck your soul dry of any joy or happiness . For years and years I did do this . I spent time around these people . Out of habit , out of duty , out of simply struggling to say no .

No wonder I wasn’t a fan of people.

More recently though I’ve learnt to be much more choosy . Our spare time is so very precious isn’t it ? It’s probably the resource we are most lacking in most of the time. Its a pretty crazy thing to do then isn’t it to sacrifice this precious thing on people who don’t deserve it.

To anyone else who suffers from this affliction , who finds themselves spending time and money in social situations having a thoroughly miserable time because they didn’t feel able to say no . I cannot recommend more enthusiastically The Good Girl’s Guide To Being A D*ck by Alexandra Reinwarth (totally not an ad by the way ,just a recommendation from one doormat to potentially another )

Anyway,I digress (that’s absolutely the title of my autobiography by the way) Choice , that’s the key for me now when it comes to people and socialising . A huge revelation for me recently has been how much I absolutely love socialising with people who I like , who like me in return !! Seems so simple doesn’t it ? Spending time with people who enhance your life or make you happy to be around ? Hopefully you do the same for them. I’m sure there are people for whom I’m that person they should discard . If I am I hope they do. That simple concept though , when put into practice really IS that simple .

Of course there are draining, negative people sometimes who you are stuck with , again the book I mentioned earlier has some great advice on how to deal with that instance.

I’ve had a sociable few weeks ,took a trip with that handsome man , spent some time with some fave people in my fave place . Made me sickeningly happy . One of my other fave people got married and just spending the whole day with fantastic people just made my soul happy.

Doesn’t sound like someone who hates people does it ? It’s more the behaviour of someone who avoided EVERYONE to avoid the company of toxic people. Daft decision in hindsight. The people who make my heart happy make my heart REALLY happy.

A favourite blogger of mine Enda wrote a post a few weeks ago that I really identified with about how introverts are extroverts when they’re relaxed . It’s here , give it a look . Well that’s me . I don’t dislike people.

Turns out I just dislike people who make me feel rubbish….I think that’s fair enough really!!

Musings Of A Tired Mummy

“Reflections


Your shouting voice is now silent

A strange , surreal thing happened to me over the past few weeks.

I realised after leaving a job interview. A job interview where I wasn’t sick with nerves. One in which I think I was chatty and friendly (they may have thought have thought me an idiot ,that’s not really the point)

The point is I went to a job interview.

I only heard one voice before ,during and after. The one that said :

You can do this

You’re a sociable creature

You DO like people

You can make conversation with most people

You’re capable and intelligent

If they don’t like you ,well you don’t want to work with them do you ?

Afterwards the voice , the only voice, I heard was the one saying you did bloody well in there , well done you !

For the record , when I’m talking hearing voices . I don’t mean in a mental health crisis way. I have many mental health niggles but hearing voices isn’t one.

There’s been a voice though . A negative ,mean , bullying one in my head for so many years. One that like one of JK Rowling’s dementors just wants to suck the joy out of anything I do. It wants me to feel stupid and useless and fat and ugly and ridiculous for having any kind of ambitions or dreams or plans.

The voice used to have a body accompanying it. It used to be that of the long , soul destroying abusive relationship. It was his voice. It was very successful too. Over the years ,repeated like a mantra I came to absolutely believe I was pathetic and stupid and worthless. That by having ambitions I was thinking I was better than I was that I had ideas above my station. Don’t worry with words and actions he made sure that any dreams were knocked right out of me . Keep me grounded .

For years I accepted this as my lot . This was my life , I chose it . This was me forever now . The voice didn’t whisper but screamed how I was too stupid and pathetic to ever get out of it . I couldn’t live without him. Who else would want someone as fat and ugly as me ?No one! I should be grateful he did. This scream was so loud no other thoughts could permeate my thinking.

Not for a very long time.

Then I left.

Only I didn’t leave the voice behind . The voice came with me. I’d heard those cruel words so often so long the voice became my voice. Despite being free from abuse I still told MYSELF now his mantra. I was useless , pathetic, thick.

So brainwashed that he no longer had to even put the work in to make me feel crap ,I was doing it all on my own . Any other critical or negative voices along the way were added in to the mix . If other people thought I was rubbish too ,not just the abuser then obviously he was right.

Everything he had said was true .

Your head is such a delicate thing when you’ve been emotionally abused , it’s almost as though you spend your time waiting for someone else to repeat his horrible words so as you can confirm to yourself that you are indeed totally pointless and worthless.

Over the years I’d gotten used the voice. With help though ,and time the voice has been hushed . It was a gentle whisper . It was still very present though, I’m always quick to follow up mistakes I make with “I’m so stupid ” or “sorry I’m a bit rubbish” eager to vocalise my rubbishness (made up word alert!) before anyone else gets the chance to …yes I know I’m stupid no need for you to point it out.

Somehow though , and it must be fairly recently that voice has been silenced . I don’t know when it happened or how it happened. My theory is I make a conscious effort these days to surround myself with positive people , anyone who brings negativity and nothing good into my life had to go. So I now am lucky to have lots of positive voices in my life. Friends , family just good , kind , motivational people and they’ve joined together like a huge choir and drowned out that long lasting dark , mean , ugly voice for once and for all.

As part of the job interview process there was once of those horrific group assessments. Previous me would never have even shown up for that. The thought would have had me so ill I’d not have made it through the door. Being assessed?? Someone actually watching you for how rubbish you were? Absolutely not.

Only without that voice , I was free. I’m a reasonably intelligent woman . I like people (absolute revelation!!!) I gave it a go . It was fine,they liked me enough to give me an interview . I went to an interview , I put myself out there and talked myself up ….to other people and the only voice there was was my inner cheerleader with a big well done .

It’s taken way , way longer than I ever could have expected to get that bullying , cruel voice to pack it’s bags . It’s really gone though . There’s space freed up in this head of mine lately and it’s about time it was filled up with positivity and self belief and that pretty great cheerleader of mine – me !

Oh….and I got the job !

”MrsMummyHarris”

3 Little Buttons


Musings Of A Tired Mummy