Lockdown musings no.1 – Alone

I’ve had thoughts whizzing round my head for weeks now but there were just too many zooming around in this unpredictable head of mine to be able to concentrate and articulate. Today feeling calm and relaxed I’m going to try. I think we’re all somewhere between madness and on the edge right now on a sliding scale day to day so if my ramblings are even more chaotic than usual I apologise in advance .

The virus , the word we’re all fed up of hearing and lockdown and isolation how quickly these things have to come to be the norm. I expected to feel many things when we began to get a glimpse of how massive and scary and consuming this was going to be . I expected a huge mental health wobble and my anxiety to get out of control . That’s not been the case though. I’ve had a few wobbly days but not the huge anxiety filled days and dreams and panic I’d have expected from a global emergency. What the hell is wrong with me ? If ever there was a legitimate time to panic this is it …my time had come. It has not . I read a fantastic article in the week about why this is it’s just here .

So not huge anxiety wobbles , no panicky catastrophising . If my usual reactions to scary stuff aren’t happening what am I meant to feel???

Well what I feel right now is something that is so very unusual to me I struggled to work it out. I feel alone. Really alone.

I don’t mean lonely , come on its me the girl who loves a date for one (ohhh I cannot wait to go to the theatre again ) but a realisation has hit over the last few weeks. There’s no plan B here , there’s no fall back plan .

Ordinarily the kids do have other people in their lives even ones far away ,but as it stands right now it’s just me and them . There’s a fear that comes with that ,what if I get sick ? What happens then? There is noone to take the reins , there’s noone to step in for me . What if we all got sick ? It’s just us ,in our house that’s it . That’s all we have .

On a less important level but one I’ve felt for the first time, probably ever is a lack of a second adult in our house for practical reasons, or emotional support or just someone to sit with tea and talk about what a shit show this really is . Someone else to make breakfast for once ,but mainly just the chat . I’ve not had a face to face conversation with someone I haven’t given birth to in weeks. Someone to offload fears on , to just be physically present. I didn’t ever feel a lack of that until now. I think that maybe only people on their own will understand that. It sounds silly that the woman who goes on and on about how she couldn’t ever live with someone and how she enjoys her own company is fancying having someone around for her emotional well-being. It’s just sometimes you feel that hole , rarely for me but right now I do .

This train of thought it leads me onto the biggest thing I’ve realised . That despite what I’ve written above , despite feeling that way , I’m so lucky . My children are 3 teenagers and an 11 year old . They don’t need (certainly don’t want) entertaining they just need the kitchen stocked and they’re good to go like 4 little hungry locusts .

I can’t stop thinking about women with younger kids who are alone. How would I have dealt with this alone when the kids were much younger . How on earth are women with no support for whatever reason managing? Trying to work from home , entertaining and educating their children whilst keeping a grip on their sanity ??No one to divide labour with when the kids are home full time with no school.

The answer is I’ve not a clue.

It’s of no help to you at all right now if you are one of these women but just know …

I see you.

I am aware of you and how difficult your life must be right now.

I am completely in awe of you.

I know we have to keep away from one another and that there’s only so many WhatsApp groups you can be in before your brain explodes , but if you are one of these women is there anything at all we can do to help ??

I can’t think of anything that would have helped me when the kids were too young to be left alone so I could shop , or whilst everyone needed my attention yet there was only one of me all day everyday with little sleep and no break .

It must be the hardest , toughest most exhausting of times and you ,my friends , are absolute warriors !!!

Musings Of A Tired Mummy

7 thoughts on “Lockdown musings no.1 – Alone

  1. I agree, i think of mums struggling on their own too. I also worry for people who may be in abusive relationships and likely feel trapped right now.
    It’s hard not to feel anxious at times like this but I’m glad your feeling good from a mental health and anxiety point of view. Hoping it continues. #StayClassymama

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  2. There’s a lot in there, and I’m only going to touch on one (before heading off to read the article you linked) – I have set up times to have ‘drinks’ with friends almost daily. At the end of the day before I make dinner, I calve out a little time for me – 30 mins to and hour and sit on Zoom with a couple of friends chatting. It is different to a phone call and messaging. Once you get used to the weirdness, it really becomes quite uplifting. You can talk about the virus or not. No one really has any big news so it is just rambling on. But very good for the soul. The other thing, is organise a drink with your neoighbours – we stood in the front yard and chatted over the fence – each in our own yard, a drink in hand – a suitable distance apart. Our neighbours over the road also came out and my husband stood in the road talking over their fence (until the police came past and he had to scurry back – we get fined $1000 here!!) Anyway, that made me feel SO good. Even though I’m not really even friends with the neighbour (not that I’m not friends – it’s just that we wouldn’t go to dinner or a movie together). Take care. #StayClassyMama (interesting post btw)

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  3. Intense times with so many of our worlds turned upside down. I think it is true that those of us more self-aware and used to ever-changing moods may well cope better in this scenario. After a lot of lonely times in the last year or so I have found myself with my brother and oldest son in the UK so I have those lovely 2 adult things going on like chats about the telly, meals cooked, coffees brought etc. The anxiety for me is having my other teens in another country with their Dad. They all seem to be doing fine but I feel pain in the solar plexus region too often probably because it would suit me to have constant communication and teens just aren’t going to do that and I must accept that. I am finding things like the Emma Kenny Live Clinics are doing me a power of good when the wobbles are too wobbly. I love how you always empathise with other people and absolutely there are mums way worse off that thee and me. Oh and can I be in your Whatsapp group lol having finally got signed u today at my son’s insistence?! #StayClassyMama but then you always do

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  4. I can’t imagine doing this alone right now. I do know a few single parents and people doing this alone and it’s very hard. We do have tech to keep us in touch with people but isolation is hard on mental health and that is going to be something we need to look at if this goes on for much longer.
    Thank you for sharing with #stayclassymama

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  5. I can’t imagine how scary this time must be for single people and single parents right now. I hope you are staying healthy mentally as well as physically and keep in contact with friends and family virtually. Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

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