Here we are again…

This blog started as as anonymous blog .

My first ever blog post was entitled 5 years later . 5 years after I’d left the abusive relationship. No one really read it , I didn’t write it expecting anyone would. It was just therapeutic for me to get the whizzing thoughts out of my head onto the page , onto the screen .

We’re many more years on now .

That date is still on the horizon though . Many years later maybe I should call this post??

I want this to be full of positivity , how you can get out of that situation,how you can be free , how you can have a happy life if you’re currently living with abuse . You can too .

This year for me though has been a bit different. I’ve had to accept that damage done all those years ago doesn’t necessarily stay buried . That once you conquer this freedom thing it’s not all easy . That’s it’s not all up up up from there .

This year I’ve had to confront the fact that I’ve been (probably irreversibly ) damaged by abusive and toxic relationships.

That these relationships have had huge impacts on my mental health and still do .

That I am forever changed by what happened to me .

That other people got to shape who I am now no matter how much I resent it.

It’s tough to take . It’s hard to accept but you know what? I do accept it . I embrace it .

My mental health is susceptible to wobbles , my self confidence can be damaged , my life can be a chaotic mess.

So this wobbly , damaged mess . Well I kind of have to own it .

You see this year has been tricky but I’ve also continued to grow.

When I left the abuse the hardest thing I found was that I naively thought when I left I’d all of a sudden snap back to being the girl before him. I got so frustrated with myself that I carried all the damage with me and never managed to shake it off . I just wanted to drop every hang up and shake off every bad habit I’d picked up .

HOWEVER . ……Many years later ….

Many years later I can stand to be hugged .

Many years later I feel I am able to give my opinion without fear.

Many years later I can wear whatever I like even those skirts that make me look ‘fat’

Many years later we can celebrate birthdays without fear of consequence.

Many years later I can leave the house when I want to return when I want

Many years later I can write this blog , which people have told me helped them and what a bloody honour is that?

Many years later I can tell the truth about what happened in those dark times .

Many years later I can trust friends and get close to people emotionally.

Many years later I can sleep in the same bed as a man and not need to neurotically sleep at the door side of the bed …

In the same way many years later I can be in a space and not plan an escape route the second I enter a room .

Many years later I can breathe .

So yes it’s been a tougher year than these updates usually are , I’ve felt like I’ve gone through abuse all-over again at times .

Many years later though …..many years later I am here and not there and I can’t think of anything more important than that .

We develop a survival technique , women like us . We may forever appear insane to those who don’t understand . We’ll probably always be on the edge of a wobble or a stumble . We’re also resilient and strong and no matter where you are on your personal journey ,I hope you know that.

You rock


4 thoughts on “Here we are again…

  1. 6 1/2 years out for me, but with two kids. It is a long, hard journey. I still don’t like being touched much, stay vigilant wherever I am, and plan things very carefully (always anticipating being confronted). I am so happy for you and how much progress you are making. It doesn’t snap back overnight!


  2. Beautiful words, truly. I’m still trying to get out of my abusive relationship and your posts have really inspired a sense of hope that things get better. Thanks for writing them.


  3. I can relate so much to this!! It’s been 6 years since my divorce and I still have triggers that can set off a panic attack to this day, it’s been 10 years since I ended the relationship. It’s great when you can see some progress isn’t it, no matter how small!!

    Liked by 1 person

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