Here we are again…

This blog started as as anonymous blog .

My first ever blog post was entitled 5 years later . 5 years after I’d left the abusive relationship. No one really read it , I didn’t write it expecting anyone would. It was just therapeutic for me to get the whizzing thoughts out of my head onto the page , onto the screen .

We’re many more years on now .

That date is still on the horizon though . Many years later maybe I should call this post??

I want this to be full of positivity , how you can get out of that situation,how you can be free , how you can have a happy life if you’re currently living with abuse . You can too .

This year for me though has been a bit different. I’ve had to accept that damage done all those years ago doesn’t necessarily stay buried . That once you conquer this freedom thing it’s not all easy . That’s it’s not all up up up from there .

This year I’ve had to confront the fact that I’ve been (probably irreversibly ) damaged by abusive and toxic relationships.

That these relationships have had huge impacts on my mental health and still do .

That I am forever changed by what happened to me .

That other people got to shape who I am now no matter how much I resent it.

It’s tough to take . It’s hard to accept but you know what? I do accept it . I embrace it .

My mental health is susceptible to wobbles , my self confidence can be damaged , my life can be a chaotic mess.

So this wobbly , damaged mess . Well I kind of have to own it .

You see this year has been tricky but I’ve also continued to grow.

When I left the abuse the hardest thing I found was that I naively thought when I left I’d all of a sudden snap back to being the girl before him. I got so frustrated with myself that I carried all the damage with me and never managed to shake it off . I just wanted to drop every hang up and shake off every bad habit I’d picked up .

HOWEVER . ……Many years later ….

Many years later I can stand to be hugged .

Many years later I feel I am able to give my opinion without fear.

Many years later I can wear whatever I like even those skirts that make me look ‘fat’

Many years later we can celebrate birthdays without fear of consequence.

Many years later I can leave the house when I want to return when I want

Many years later I can write this blog , which people have told me helped them and what a bloody honour is that?

Many years later I can tell the truth about what happened in those dark times .

Many years later I can trust friends and get close to people emotionally.

Many years later I can sleep in the same bed as a man and not need to neurotically sleep at the door side of the bed …

In the same way many years later I can be in a space and not plan an escape route the second I enter a room .

Many years later I can breathe .

So yes it’s been a tougher year than these updates usually are , I’ve felt like I’ve gone through abuse all-over again at times .

Many years later though …..many years later I am here and not there and I can’t think of anything more important than that .

We develop a survival technique , women like us . We may forever appear insane to those who don’t understand . We’ll probably always be on the edge of a wobble or a stumble . We’re also resilient and strong and no matter where you are on your personal journey ,I hope you know that.

You rock

Xxx

4 thoughts on “Here we are again…

  1. 6 1/2 years out for me, but with two kids. It is a long, hard journey. I still don’t like being touched much, stay vigilant wherever I am, and plan things very carefully (always anticipating being confronted). I am so happy for you and how much progress you are making. It doesn’t snap back overnight!

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  2. Beautiful words, truly. I’m still trying to get out of my abusive relationship and your posts have really inspired a sense of hope that things get better. Thanks for writing them.

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  3. I can relate so much to this!! It’s been 6 years since my divorce and I still have triggers that can set off a panic attack to this day, it’s been 10 years since I ended the relationship. It’s great when you can see some progress isn’t it, no matter how small!!

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