The things I never thought I’d be …

I was in a bit of a reflective mood over the weekend (children were away and I had way too much time on my hands for thinking) and I just thought to myself “imagine what 18 year old me would have thought if she could see 38 year old me’s life now ” I’ve been kind of pondering it ever since .

Back when I was younger I had a grand plan. I would study politics at university , I would be a diplomat and I would travel all over the place in my high flying career (original plan to become a physiotherapist having been ditched because A Level biology was HARD!). I would never have children but I’d probably at some point meet a man with an equally high flying career and get married.

Then life happened .

I became so many things I never thought I’d be .

I became a mother .

This was never in the plan. I didn’t like kids. I certainly didn’t want to have to look after one all the time forever.

So glad I did though. Being a mum has opened me up to so many feelings I don’t think I ever would have felt otherwise. Not because I’m saying you have to be a mum to feel , just I’m quite emotionally repressed as a person anyway (or was for a long time ) being a mum gave me access to emotions that were locked away.

I became a mum of 4 .

Now I never would have seen that one coming , but you know each one of these amazing humans I think were necessary in moulding me into the person I am now. I see little parts of myself in their behaviours and there’s something reassuring in that . Even when it’s teen boy the younger and I having a stubborn – off because neither of us will back down!

I became best friends with my sister

Younger me would have sniffed at the idea of that. We had nothing on common , she was a pain in the arse .

I’ve spoken on the blog before about how losing our mum made us closer and here we now and she’s my favourite human on the planet.

I became a anxious ,slightly mental mess

See this one I probably could have predicted. I’ve always had ridiculously unhealthy coping strategies. I didn’t like strong emotions . I turn myself off to them. I think it’s a tactic I used when my dad died. I just turned off the sad . It seemed to work so I then did it for any uncomfortable emotions and I never had to deal with them.This ‘skill’ was particularly deployed during the abusive relationship.

Obviously mature , wise 38 year old me in hindsight can see this was only going to end one way , and only now with years worth of therapy under my belt do I have better ways to cope. Slightly.

I became a survivor

I’m not the biggest fan of that tag. I don’t know how else to describe it though. I don’t want to use victim. I don’t want to speak about ‘suffering’ domestic abuse. 18 year old me didn’t have a clue the abusive relationship was going to happen. 20 year old me though, 25 year old me ,28 year old me they’d never have believed they’d be free of it. They used to make themselves a promise every single new years eve that this would be the year she left. The first time she absolutely believed it but as time passed she’d accepted this awful life was her fate and she’d never be free. Those younger , damaged versions of me wouldn’t have known or believed that one day something would change . A switch would flick and there would be a day in her life that she’d be free.

Yet here I am!!!

I became a blogger

This IS an interesting turn of events.

I am (or was) a closed book. I don’t talk about my feelings (see earlier reference to being emotionally inarticulate and a little bit nuts) I’m a listener more than a talker and I don’t really like people knowing my business. I just find talking about my feelings really tricky and uncomfortable (my therapist struck gold with me eh?) Writing down my thoughts and feelings though that I can do. There are numerous notebooks in my room to prove it , and always have been really. I can’t verbalise emotion well but writing it down I can do.

Writing it down though ,for other people to read well that’d scare me to death. People knowing what goes on in this topsy turvy head of mine -terrifying.

Yet I did it.

I do it , and it helps the topsy turvy head so much.

So this 38 year old mum of a whole tribe , who escaped a terrible situation and is less mentally well than she’d have expected because of it. This woman who writes down her innermost thoughts and experiences and shares them with the world. 18 year old Kelly wouldn’t have expected this is where she’d be , I don’t even think she’d have approved.

38 year old me though is quite content , and very excited to see where the next 20 years will take us.

Advertisements

34 thoughts on “The things I never thought I’d be …

  1. Kelly, once again you have managed to brilliantly articulate the things that I feel and think. Although my situation was very different from yours, I’m sure, because all of our situations are unique to us, never would I have imagined where I would be today. In fact, I only imagined that I would never have lived to 30. Yet here I am, 44 and sharing it all..all the ugly, all the darkness, and all the joy! Thank you for this post. It has moved me and I am sure it will help multitudes of others!

    Shelbee
    http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Man looking back at 18 year old me I was married, working at Sonic and not happy. Now 10 years later I am with the man of my dreams, with 2 kids, as a blogging SAHM. I never would have thought this is what I would be doing. Talking about our struggles and emotions is so hard, but it can be so helpful to not only ourselves but to others too. You are a warrior!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Its amazing how things turn out it life and I am great believer that everything happens for a reason – I too am a survivor of an abusive childhood and have to work very hard for the effects of it not to spill into my life as a parent today and spoil it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s funny but reading this I am listening to The Beatles (Rubber Soul) and I thought of that famous John Lennon dictum “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans” and you have just proved that!! Great post, as always #BlogCrush

    Liked by 1 person

  5. #BlogCrush
    I can totally relate! My “plans” didn’t exactly work out the way I thought they would. I used to hate the idea of having kids! In fact, I even downloaded an app that would change the baby photos on my Facebook feed into little puppies. Haha. AND THEN a couple of years later, I became that mom who overshares on social media. Hehe, no regrets! Btw you have a pretty blessed life. 🙂 Congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sometimes we have a whole map of our life – drawn up and ready to make happen – but then life throws a curve ball – sometimes for the better. I think you’ve done so much and are pretty lucky life turned out right for you. I think the Universe just knows how to reward someone. I believe in positivity breeding positivity x #BlogCrush

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oooh yes,

    I studied languages at University, and then philosophy. I have a few degrees – I never wanted to leave.

    And then I got a great job.

    And an awesome boyfriend.

    And then I split up with the awesome boyfriend. He wanted to travel the world. I didn’t want to leave my great job.

    Then I got together with a gorgeous guy. He was charming.

    …but he had a bit of a temper.

    And then I had a baby. A gorgeous little boy.

    And then the gorgeous guy got quite dictatorial, and quite emotionally abusive, and his temper flared.

    I became a single mum.

    I still have the great job. I have an amazing little boy. I am just about making co-parenting work with the angry ex….but sometimes it is hard work.

    Life hasn’t gone to plan, but actually, my life is pretty good really. There is stuff to enjoy and be grateful for every single day.

    Pen x

    #BlogCrush

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve never thought of it like that. 18 year old me would definitely have been excited to know that I’d have three children but I think she would have been surprised that I didn’t travel more, or keep up with my foreign languages. I do have a lot to be grateful for that has filled those gaps though! Another great post. Thank you for sharing it with #Blogstravaganza 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. agree with the sister thing too and the kids, i have three never thought that would happen and my love of outdoors has grown stronger and stronger #Blogstravaganza

    Like

  10. Now you’ve got me thinking – my 18 year old self definitely wouldn’t be able to imagine how I ended up where I am today – I don’t think any of this was part of “the plan”, but I’m so happy with how things are. And your bit about being able to write but not speak your feelings – that’s exactly me too! #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Wow, you certainly do articulate in wirtten words so well. Well done on moving on from all that you have been through in your life. I had plans when I was 18 too and they certainly have not turned out in the way I imagined, there are somethings that have been hard and they have helped shaped the person I’ve become. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how amazing it is having four kids too though. #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This journey, called life is quite a travel — and you have certainly proved that in this post. What a great Idea for a post. You have me thinking of my 18-year-old self and I did not want children either… Thank goodness I came to my senses in many ways. Good on you! #Blogcrush xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  13. wow, it’s quite a lot isn’t it. My 18 year old self had no idea I was about to enter an abusive relationship, I never thought I would stay if a guy hit me, but that’s what we all thought once upon a time, I never say never now because until you are faced with real life you just never know. Eventually I got away, I just wish it was all out of my head.
    I am sorry about how you and your sister became close but I am so glad you are, my sister is my best friend too she is amazing and sounds like we are both lucky to have such a special person in our lives.
    And thanks for joining in with #ABloggingGoodTime

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s