He made me

When your first born child is about to turn 18 there’s a lot of room for soul searching.

18 , that’s huge right ? I have grown a human to adulthood. Me , the girl who can’t keep a plant alive and who loses her purse weekly. Yet there is a man in the world that I grew in my actual body . Who I gave birth to despite my freakishly low pain threshold and who has managed to survive living with me for 18 years and still be relatively sane.

Is this the end point then? What we’ve been leading up to all this time. Can I look at this man and decide whether or not I did a good job. This man I made ?

Except , I didn’t make him or shape him really. The first born well he kinda did things his own way from the off. I’m sure some of my influence has to have rubbed off somewhere and there are genes in there I’m certainly responsible for. However I didn’t make this person.

He made me.

That sweaty August day when we first locked eyes , I was looking at a teeny tiny human who I needed to look after , all the time , forever. He was looking at a 20 year old girl who didn’t have a clue . Not. A . Clue.

He turned me into a mum ,that tiny baby.

He taught me resilience. He suffered horrid colic for months. Every night bang on time the screaming would start . I just felt helpless, he was in pain and I couldn’t help what kind of mum was I??? Every night I was sure I couldn’t get through it , every night we did and the next day , and the one after that.

He taught me how much my mum loved me. My mum died a year , almost to the day , before my son was born. I didn’t fall in love with J the second our eyes met. I’d have been so ashamed to admit that once , but it’s true . That rush of love I’d read about….well there was nothing much there. Weeks later though , during a night feed it just came. In a rush and completely overwhelming . I literally gasped …”I’d die for you ” I told him . “I’d kill for you ” it was massive and so intense and in that second I realised this was how my mum must have felt about me . I’d never been able to comprehend it before. That was an eye opener.

He taught me selflessness. I’m sure some people know this without having to have a baby . I needed it though. Putting another person ahead of yourself for every decision you make. It’s a biggie . I never would have known it if my son hadn’t taught me.

He taught me creativity. Nothing like your first World Book Day to make you learn how to think on your feet. His first ,he went as Harry Potter. I made glasses , I took ages drawing the perfect scar. I made a cloak of invisibility and believe me had I the know how to have made it actually work I really would have done. We won by the way . Not that it matters ….but WE DID!!!!

It’s more than just the big things though.

It’s the little things that have changed me , the tiny blink and you’ll miss them things.

I care about Hull City , like really care and Formula one and Harry Potter and The Hunger Games. I knew episodes of The Tweenies by heart , I was into Balamory !! His enthusiasm for anything is so infectious I can’t help but invest in it myself .

My son took a terrified 20 year old and over 18 years of love and work and tweaking made her into a mum. For him she could get through the bleakest of times . For him she could look an impossible situation square on , put her head down and just take it on. For him she could be braver than she ever thought possible .

All the children have left their mark on who I am , probably way more than I have them.

The first one though , he taught me to be a mum and I am forever grateful.

Also. One day when he was 4. I saw Doctor Who was making a comeback. I had never seen it before but I had a feeling this was something my son and I should watch together(also have the Billie crush). Oh didn’t we just , haven’t we just. I’m not sure how much of series 1 he took in but that’s ok because we’ve revisited it many many times!!

Doctor Who is ‘our’ thing. He can pick out an episode to suit my mood , we can spend many a day binging and not get bored. One day J I promise I will watch The Angels Take Manhattan RIGHT to the end without weeping .

Because of my son I was introduced to another love of my life in Doctor Who and I hope that we’ll always be able to squeeze in an episode or two .

He moulded me that amazing boy , and thank goodness for that.

Mission Mindfulness
Cup of Toast

I’m taking part in the Mummy Monday linky with Becca from Becca Blogs It Out

3 Little Buttons

58 thoughts on “He made me

  1. I always have so much to think about and say on your posts. I too have an almost 18 year old so empathise with a lot of what you say but I was a much older mum than you were especially as you say that I have managed to get him to nearly 18 in the first place. Colic is rotten – fortunately it did not come until baby number 3 for me so not too much of a shock in some ways although still rotten. And you are so right how becoming a mum makes you realise why you mum was the way she was sometimes. I felt that first when I became a step parent which I did before having my own child in that habit I have of doing things in the wrong order. And it sounds like you are blessed with a good relationship with your child-man and I have this too and I feel so grateful for that. And yes Doctor Who – so many happy bonding memories around that one. Lovely post #TriumphantTales

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Kate. Yes it’s a really odd time isn’t it !! Aaarrggh v glad days of colic and sleepless nights are in the past though


  2. Our children definitely shape our lives and change us. My son is 20 now and he (and my daughter) have definitely shaped my life in the most fantastic way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. How lovely. Your tales of motherhood summed up really nicely. It’s true it changes you and you put them first. Yes I would save my daughter overvmevin a blink of an eye too.
    I’m sure you have made him who he is too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mine may be a long way off 18 but I totally get ‘he made me’. These babies who turn into children have no idea what impact they have. Totally life changing in the best way possible. Love this post. Thanks for sharing with #TriumphantTales!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You don’t even look old enough to have an eighteen year old. But I can imagine it’s a time for soul searching. Even thought my daughter is just four I can say that she’s had change me so much as a person. If it wasn’t for her coming into my life I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I have her to thank for that’s.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I became a mum for the first time at the age you became a mum of an 18 year old. I have a long time till I have a grown man as a son, But I do hope I have a similar bond as you seem to have your son.

    I can totally relate to not feeling that instant bond with my baby. I instantly felt responsible for him, but the bond and love came a short while later.

    A really lovely post to read, thanks for sharing. #MummyMonday

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh I got goosebumps where you described the rush of love that suddenly came in the middle of the night – that’s exactly like it was for me with my 2nd child. It’s amazing what we learn from our children and what strength we suddenly find that we have – they think we can do anything, and that gives us confidence to do more and be more than we ever thought possible. What a beautiful piece of writing #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh my goodness, what a gorgeous post to read. I’m with you on the creativity front; being a mum certainly teaches you so much about yourself that you’d never know otherwise. What a lucky boy you have to have you as his mother.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This is a wonderful post. I read it with a tear in my eye. My eldest is ten years behind yours but even so I have grown and learnt so much through becoming his mum. He and his brothers shape me and influence me constantly, and I love that we grow and evolve as a family. Thank you for sharing this with #Blogstravaganza 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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