When your first born child is about to turn 18 there’s a lot of room for soul searching.
18 , that’s huge right ? I have grown a human to adulthood. Me , the girl who can’t keep a plant alive and who loses her purse weekly. Yet there is a man in the world that I grew in my actual body . Who I gave birth to despite my freakishly low pain threshold and who has managed to survive living with me for 18 years and still be relatively sane.
Is this the end point then? What we’ve been leading up to all this time. Can I look at this man and decide whether or not I did a good job. This man I made ?
Except , I didn’t make him or shape him really. The first born well he kinda did things his own way from the off. I’m sure some of my influence has to have rubbed off somewhere and there are genes in there I’m certainly responsible for. However I didn’t make this person.
He made me.
That sweaty August day when we first locked eyes , I was looking at a teeny tiny human who I needed to look after , all the time , forever. He was looking at a 20 year old girl who didn’t have a clue . Not. A . Clue.
He turned me into a mum ,that tiny baby.
He taught me resilience. He suffered horrid colic for months. Every night bang on time the screaming would start . I just felt helpless, he was in pain and I couldn’t help what kind of mum was I??? Every night I was sure I couldn’t get through it , every night we did and the next day , and the one after that.
He taught me how much my mum loved me. My mum died a year , almost to the day , before my son was born. I didn’t fall in love with J the second our eyes met. I’d have been so ashamed to admit that once , but it’s true . That rush of love I’d read about….well there was nothing much there. Weeks later though , during a night feed it just came. In a rush and completely overwhelming . I literally gasped …”I’d die for you ” I told him . “I’d kill for you ” it was massive and so intense and in that second I realised this was how my mum must have felt about me . I’d never been able to comprehend it before. That was an eye opener.
He taught me selflessness. I’m sure some people know this without having to have a baby . I needed it though. Putting another person ahead of yourself for every decision you make. It’s a biggie . I never would have known it if my son hadn’t taught me.
He taught me creativity. Nothing like your first World Book Day to make you learn how to think on your feet. His first ,he went as Harry Potter. I made glasses , I took ages drawing the perfect scar. I made a cloak of invisibility and believe me had I the know how to have made it actually work I really would have done. We won by the way . Not that it matters ….but WE DID!!!!
It’s more than just the big things though.
It’s the little things that have changed me , the tiny blink and you’ll miss them things.
I care about Hull City , like really care and Formula one and Harry Potter and The Hunger Games. I knew episodes of The Tweenies by heart , I was into Balamory !! His enthusiasm for anything is so infectious I can’t help but invest in it myself .
My son took a terrified 20 year old and over 18 years of love and work and tweaking made her into a mum. For him she could get through the bleakest of times . For him she could look an impossible situation square on , put her head down and just take it on. For him she could be braver than she ever thought possible .
All the children have left their mark on who I am , probably way more than I have them.
The first one though , he taught me to be a mum and I am forever grateful.
Also. One day when he was 4. I saw Doctor Who was making a comeback. I had never seen it before but I had a feeling this was something my son and I should watch together(also have the Billie crush). Oh didn’t we just , haven’t we just. I’m not sure how much of series 1 he took in but that’s ok because we’ve revisited it many many times!!
Doctor Who is ‘our’ thing. He can pick out an episode to suit my mood , we can spend many a day binging and not get bored. One day J I promise I will watch The Angels Take Manhattan RIGHT to the end without weeping .
Because of my son I was introduced to another love of my life in Doctor Who and I hope that we’ll always be able to squeeze in an episode or two .
He moulded me that amazing boy , and thank goodness for that.
I’m taking part in the Mummy Monday linky with Becca from Becca Blogs It Out