Happy Birthday Mam. I should probably fill you in on some things…

My mum died almost 19 years ago.

Before I was a mum. Before I was really an adult. Before I had responsibilities.

A LOT has happened since .

Today would be her birthday.

Mam….let me get you up to speed??

Happy Birthday Mam to start!!!

I hate that we never got to spoil you and make a fuss of you when you were here . Couple of teenagers aren’t mega rich though so I think probably the best pressie you ever got from me was a bag of pegs (in my defence I had over heard her saying she needed new ones… I’ve always been a thoughtful gift giver!) although the card Lou drew you that year of you all saggy boobed and wrinkled was hilarious!!

I’d like to think had you been here today we could have done a little bit better than that on the birthday front.

So ,lots to fill you in on. You have grandchildren! 7 of them at that . You’d have been absolutely in love and besotted with every last one. My eldest is obsessed with snooker , you could have sat and watched it together for hours eh? Though he did like Stephen Hendry but I’m sure you could have educated him about why Jimmy White was the best!

Teen boy the younger is one of those creative types ?? He’d written a whole series of story books before he’d even finished reception class. Think you would have gotten along given your creative talents . Yes I’m talking about the scrunchies you made us in a rainbow of colours with matching hair grips and the frills in different colours you’d sew round our socks !!He was also the worlds cutest most cuddly baby , you’d have never put him down!!

Teen girl ,well let’s say she’s 90% her aunties genes . I know !!! You’d have found her funny probably though in the same way when Lou was being a pain in the arse you could barely tell her off for laughing sometimes! She’s a total music head too , always introducing me to new songs . You two could have swapped music. She really loves Ed Sheeran and I know you would never had heard of him but I think you would have really liked him too.

Small girl . Well She’s the danciest , pranciest girl in the world (remind you of anyone . I know I annoyed everyone with my dancing constantly but she doesn’t ,she’s way too sweet!) Amazing cook too!! Maybe she could have shown you a few baking moves. I’m going to confess to you now ,but your butterfly buns that you baked us once they have put Lou and I off butterfly buns and me off any kind of cake really… FOREVER!!!! Sorry!!!

Eldest nephew would have had you in stitches ,his comic timing and witty comebacks are a joy to witness , even if you are on the receiving end ,which you likely would have been !!

The one and only niece you’d have loved to death she’s sweet and lovely and kind and I think that’s why people say she takes after me (hush I AM lovely and kind!). I’m sure it’s not the doziness and inability to dress herself!! I think you and C would have spent a lot of time together actually.

Youngest nephew -total loon . The funniest kid to ever walk the planet but my goodness he’s on a whole other one. He would have had you wetting yourself laughing I guarantee!!

So that’s the family news.

What else has happened in the world?

Oh actually I think you’re probably best left blissfully ignorant on that one. The world’s a bit of a mess right now and this country is heading towards shit creek without a paddle.

We still haven’t won a big football tournament , we still haven’t won Eurovision again …

Oooo Dirty Den came back from the dead on EastEnders , you’d have been astounded and so did Kathy Beale !!

I have become the person who cries at TV shows that I used to laugh at you for doing !

You just missed out on Social Media. I think most people would class that as a good thing but I think you’d have particularly have loved Facebook. Getting back in touch with all your old friends and keeping up with family. Yes. You’d definitely have like Facebook.

Oh…HUGE news and you’ll not have been expecting THIS in a million years . My sister and I are now the best of friends . We love each other and get along to the point of codependency these days. Honestly I’m not joking I promise. I know when you first found out how ill you were the first thing you said to me was “what will you and Lou do if I die ? You hate each other!” Well we don’t , I don’t think we ever did really we were just very different as teens. She’s my fave adult in the entire universe these days and I couldn’t have carried on after losing you without her.

So , I think that’s it , all caught up. What a rollercoaster of almost 19 years it’s been.

Just one last thing (to quote Columbo your fave ) I get it now . I hadn’t had babies before you died. When I had the eldest though I was astounded and really truly awestruck by one thing. I had this little person and I loved him so much and it occurred to me and broke my heart at the same time. THIS feeling here , that I would kill for him that I would die for him that he is the centre of my world. Well that’s how you felt about us . It sounds silly that that shocked me but it did . One day years before you’d have looked at baby me and Lou after and felt those exact same feelings. It still kind of blows my mind now.

Thank you.

I love you and I miss you and I wish you were here but we’re doing ok you know ?

Happy Birthday

Xxxxxxxxx

Mummy in a Tutu