She’s doing ‘finding herself’ chat again….

I always used to believe myself to be quite cool (as in chilly – I’ve never been the other kind of cool in my life!) and nonchalant about most things. Relationships I’ve been in I’ve always been half hearted about, the least bothered of the two. I was never going to be broken hearted or actually bothered if truth be told if they ended. I know this makes me sound heartless but those who’ve read my blog a while are aware all these relationships have been toxic in one way or another and I’ve stumbled into them almost by accident, no great thunderbolts of love.

I’ve never really obsessed about ‘stuff’ I’ve never (books aside) seen something, be that a dress or some shoes or furniture, and HAD to have it.

I think up until fairly recently my ambitions were dumped along with the placenta after the first born came along. I didn’t feel driven or have that huge need to achieve that was once there.

Probably as a result of toxic, abusive relationships all my desires and needs and wants were wrapped up in my frosty little heart and left on ice for another time when I was ready to feel again.

You’ll all been bored to death about my year of change and development in 2017 how that frosty little heart thawed. How I finally have ME back and how great that feels.

However do you know what I’ve discovered? Far from nonchalant turns out I’m actually a touch obsessive. I don’t love often but when I love I love hard and when I feel I feel passionately !!

Take The Greatest Showman.

It was on my radar a while as a movie I should probably see. I finally did and oh my!!! Fell head over heels! Proceeded to see it another 3 times have listened to nothing but the soundtrack for nigh on a week. Have been talking about it non stop telling everyone how they must see it.

(OK little pep talk now. If you haven’t seen this movie and you are at all a fan of experiencing pure joy with a side order of emotional tears…. See it.)

This blog here is another example. Probably the only hobby I’ve ever kept up. I love my little blog so much and I love the blogging community. I do put my heart and soul into some of my blog posts (admittedly some are just talking about my weird crushes) I think my blog certainly benefits from getting rid of my icy knickers and in her place embracing Little Miss Passionate.

There leads into another thing I put my heart into almost obsessively. The causes I care about I do so wholeheartedly. Equality, fighting for women’s rights and attempting to make voices heard. I know to some me and my soapbox are probably an irritant, but being able to care so passionately about something isn’t really something the girl with the frozen heart could have done.

Then we have people. You know my sister is my top human and to be honest regardless of the ice queening I’ve always had her tucked away in the warmer bit. I like to talk to her on the phone everyday, often more than once. I never run out of things to talk to her about. I want to know what she’s up to and what she’s had for her tea a la The Royle Family.

Few other people have snuck through of late though. I think I’m a better friend these days now I’ve shaken off the icicles. I do care about and love people I’m not related to after all… Weird eh?

Then there’s a particular man. I know who would have thought it eh? Turns out sometimes you make a list like this and sometimes the universe plays ball. Cosmic ordering at its finest? Again though, not something I could have done until I reached that warmer heart phase (thank goodness I put patient on that list!)

So there we are, and my bit of self awareness this week is that far from nonchalant and not really being bothered. Me, the actual me, once the BS is dropped does care a lot and to be honest has slightly obsessive tendencies.

I do apologise for all the egocentric posts of late, it’s just *twat phrase alert* ‘finding yourself’ takes ages and now that I’m finally getting there it makes me a bit giddy!!!

So thanks for listening!!

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39 thoughts on “She’s doing ‘finding herself’ chat again….

  1. Makes sense to me that you have played it cool all along because you know when it’s something you love you’ll go all out for it (and if you’ve been hurt before you wouldn’t want to do that). It’s amazing how blogging has that effect on so many of us isn’t it? I also loved that film, have you got the soundtrack yet? Seriously thinking of getting it myself. Good luck with the ‘particular man’, sounds exciting! 🙂 #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Knowing who you are, having that sense of self and what you value etc is really important. It enables you go to out into the world and get stuff done. So many people don’t manage to find it so it’s brilliant that you have 🙂

    Good luck with all the exciting things you’re hinting at 🙂 Hope they go well

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s always great when the cosmic jukebox pays out isn’t it Kelly. That’s my husband’s terminology by the way. I’m loving the sound of all of this and your post and glad to see that Miss Icy Knickers is enjoying some well deserved warmth. Thanks for sharing with us at #tweensteensbeyond

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m still finding myself and I’m 46 with 2 marriages, 5 grown up kids and lived on 3 continents. think it’s probably time to give up looking now. Not seen Showman yet, will give it a try

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Your posts are great – don’t change, it’s what makes you who you are! And the Greatest Showman is like, the best film ever! You have excellent taste! Thanks for joining in with #TriumphantTales, hope to see you again next week!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Well it’s good that you are finding yourself. I don’t think I am too dissimilar on the whole ‘cool’ front but I’m learning to accept it’s ok and it’s who I am. Also, I really want to see the Greasteat showman! I think I’d love it. Thanks for joining us #familyfun

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  7. I love listening and you can keep these post coming as long you like because think there is a lesson in each one of them for all of us! I have to admit I have never seen the Greatest Showman but I can get obsessed with songs and when I find one I like I have it on repeat for ages. This annoys most people around me! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

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  8. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a reflective post like this. I’ve not seen The Greatest Showman, but you’ve managed to convince me to see it – I’ve just checked it out on itunes and it looks fab 🙂 I think we can all get slightly addicted to the things that we love the most. Happy Sunday! #DreamTeam xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What an honest post lovely, and there is nothing wrong with writing about how far you have come, in fact people love to read it. It’s inspiring, but also good for you to get your words onto paper (or screen). Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

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  10. It isn’t egotistic to focus on yourself sometimes! You can’t help others if you need help yourself. Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama

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  11. I have never watched that. I think I need to put it on my list. As for focusing on yourself I see nothing wrong with that. It’s something we should all do sometimes. In fact I think we owe it to ourselves. Thank you for joining in with #stayClassyMama

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is so wonderful to read – you’re right that finding yourself takes a long time, but it is creating such a fab narrative on your blog as your journey takes its twists and turns and I’m sure it will be a wonderful record to look back on too. As someone who can be quite an ice queen myself, I know it’s not easy to let that guard down.

    P.S. I’m afraid I’ve not seen The Greatest Showman (even though I know it would be right up my street) – it’s on my to-do list! Hehe. #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

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