I always used to believe myself to be quite cool (as in chilly – I’ve never been the other kind of cool in my life!) and nonchalant about most things. Relationships I’ve been in I’ve always been half hearted about, the least bothered of the two. I was never going to be broken hearted or actually bothered if truth be told if they ended. I know this makes me sound heartless but those who’ve read my blog a while are aware all these relationships have been toxic in one way or another and I’ve stumbled into them almost by accident, no great thunderbolts of love.
I’ve never really obsessed about ‘stuff’ I’ve never (books aside) seen something, be that a dress or some shoes or furniture, and HAD to have it.
I think up until fairly recently my ambitions were dumped along with the placenta after the first born came along. I didn’t feel driven or have that huge need to achieve that was once there.
Probably as a result of toxic, abusive relationships all my desires and needs and wants were wrapped up in my frosty little heart and left on ice for another time when I was ready to feel again.
You’ll all been bored to death about my year of change and development in 2017 how that frosty little heart thawed. How I finally have ME back and how great that feels.
However do you know what I’ve discovered? Far from nonchalant turns out I’m actually a touch obsessive. I don’t love often but when I love I love hard and when I feel I feel passionately !!
Take The Greatest Showman.
It was on my radar a while as a movie I should probably see. I finally did and oh my!!! Fell head over heels! Proceeded to see it another 3 times have listened to nothing but the soundtrack for nigh on a week. Have been talking about it non stop telling everyone how they must see it.
(OK little pep talk now. If you haven’t seen this movie and you are at all a fan of experiencing pure joy with a side order of emotional tears…. See it.)
This blog here is another example. Probably the only hobby I’ve ever kept up. I love my little blog so much and I love the blogging community. I do put my heart and soul into some of my blog posts (admittedly some are just talking about my weird crushes) I think my blog certainly benefits from getting rid of my icy knickers and in her place embracing Little Miss Passionate.
There leads into another thing I put my heart into almost obsessively. The causes I care about I do so wholeheartedly. Equality, fighting for women’s rights and attempting to make voices heard. I know to some me and my soapbox are probably an irritant, but being able to care so passionately about something isn’t really something the girl with the frozen heart could have done.
Then we have people. You know my sister is my top human and to be honest regardless of the ice queening I’ve always had her tucked away in the warmer bit. I like to talk to her on the phone everyday, often more than once. I never run out of things to talk to her about. I want to know what she’s up to and what she’s had for her tea a la The Royle Family.
Few other people have snuck through of late though. I think I’m a better friend these days now I’ve shaken off the icicles. I do care about and love people I’m not related to after all… Weird eh?
Then there’s a particular man. I know who would have thought it eh? Turns out sometimes you make a list like this and sometimes the universe plays ball. Cosmic ordering at its finest? Again though, not something I could have done until I reached that warmer heart phase (thank goodness I put patient on that list!)
So there we are, and my bit of self awareness this week is that far from nonchalant and not really being bothered. Me, the actual me, once the BS is dropped does care a lot and to be honest has slightly obsessive tendencies.
I do apologise for all the egocentric posts of late, it’s just *twat phrase alert* ‘finding yourself’ takes ages and now that I’m finally getting there it makes me a bit giddy!!!
So thanks for listening!!
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