Blogtober day 12 – 5 tips for dating someone with anxiety

When I’m anxious , it’s horrible for me . Noone wants to feel like their breathing is so uncontrollable they might just pass out . Noone enjoys that horrible feeling of a thousand thoughts , most of them negative whizzing around their brain at a dizzying pace. It’s a horrible debilitating condition .

Not just for me going through it either . When anxious the kids get irritable mum , the one who is so sensitive to noise sssshhh is out of her mouth way more often that it should be. Friends and people around me get distracted me , the one who is going to need telling again when she is feeling better exactly what you told me just now because I’m nodding and trying so hard to listen but I just can’t take it on board.

So then imagine dating me ?

Obviously when anxiety is nowhere to be found I am a delight!!All sparkling conversation and wit and charm……or something….

During an anxious period , not so much! I can’t be the only one , so if you’re dating someone who suffers with anxiety there might be some tips here for you. Obviously everyone is different and I can only speak for myself but here goes .

I will cancel on you

This is likely nothing to do with you.

When anxiety strikes people are tricky. Even people I really,really like are a struggle. Now if I’m dating you I really really really like you as not many get that far. So I’ll try really hard to just push through. Only added to the people phobia is that voice. The anxiety voice telling me he doesn’t want to go out with me anyway , why would he ? I’m dull I’m boring I’m just an anxious drain , in fact he’s probably only involved with me because he feels sorry for me.

Regular me knows all that to be anxiety fuelled nonsense. Anxiety ridden me knows FOR SURE that this is the truth.

So I’ll probably cancel. Get under my duvet and spend a few hours worrying about if you’ll ever want to see me again with me being such a pathetic flake.

Anxiety is exhausting.

Prepare yourself for contradiction

Again can only tell my story , but during an anxious bout I want to be left alone . I don’t want chat or touching or made to talk about how I feel. Except….ALL I want is company of someone I trust and touching and holding and reassuring words.

Goodness knows what chances another person has of getting it right when I have no clue myself.

Sometimes silence is key

When anxious I become so oversensitive to noise . People talking normally will really get to me as it feels too overwhelming. I’m already exhausted because as detailed above having 3 million thoughts a minute wears you out . So sometimes I’m going to just need to lay under a blanket with you , no words, no small talk just silence and knowing you’re there will calm me.

You may get dumped

In my case you’ll certainly get dumped. I’ll decide that there’s no point continuing with this . Tell you to go find someone ‘normal’. Even if I really like you , especially if I really like you . How on earth could I expect anyone to put up with this anxious mess on a regular basis?

Truth is , I’m just giving you an out . I know I can be hard work when anxiety strikes . Especially if I’ve not mentioned I’m feeling anxious and you just think I’m going off on one because I’ve gone off you. So I’d understand if you can’t deal. I’m really hoping you won’t take that out though , I’m hoping you’re going to ride this out with me . It takes a special kind of a person to do that though so if that’s not you best you do run for the hills.

Once you learn the cheat codes it’s so much easier

You know the old fashioned games consoles where if you knew the cheat codes you could get never ending lives or some bonus. Well it’s kind of the same with people.

My anxiety is pretty predictable , it creeps up gently , gives me a rough couple of days then fades again. My reaction to it is equally predictable. I get a bit needy , I look for constant reassurance . If you can recognise the signs that I’m having an anxious day and even better then know how to comfort me then we’ll be just fine. I was once having a particularly bad anxious day ,all self loathing and horrid so employing the ‘lets just finish this’ technique detailed above. The (correct) response from the (lucky?!) guy in question was to suggest a duvet and a nap , and if I still wanted to dump him later that’d be fine!! Mr Smarty Pants was obviously right to my surprise and when questioned how he knew I was just anxious answered “I just know your anxiety cheat codes by now”

Caring about someone with anxiety can be tough , as I for one struggle to verbalise my feelings and so therefore my behaviour can seem odd. Anxiety makes me irritable and full of doubt and self loathing . It makes me exhausted and lethargic and drains me of energy. It can make huge changes to my personality ,it makes me needy and I bloody hate feeling like that. I’m a strong independent woman not that one under a duvet asking for her hair played with.That must be a lot to deal with.

It takes someone special to be the reassuring voice without getting frustrated by the need for it .

Someone special to invest in knowing me well enough to know that stroking my hair and shhhhh ing me like a baby can help when an anxiety attack strikes.

To be patient and to care about me when I don’t much care about myself.

Anxiety is not a constant in my life though , I’m lucky these days it’s just a rare visitor. So if you can put up with the occasional rough day it’s so worth it for all the sparkling conversation and wit and charm I told you about at the beginning….and I make an awesome pie !!I’m a catch , honestly!!

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Tammymum
Mission Mindfulness


The Pramshed

31 thoughts on “Blogtober day 12 – 5 tips for dating someone with anxiety

  1. Good post. I think this applies to friends too. We have a friend who always cancels.I just figure we need to keep inviting her (and make her pay her way if it’s a ticket event) but not give her grief for bailing. #FortheloveofBLOG

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I often cancel on people and have felt so bad about it afterwards, it’s good to know I’m not alone. Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

    Like

  3. I know people with anxiety and I completely understand why they sometimes cancel, and understand that it has nothing to do with me. It sounds like a tough thing to live with and I’m glad that it is only a rare visitor now in your life. Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh gosh – it’s like you just wrote my life down! I am forwarding to my husband as soon as I’ve finished typing this comment! I only have it on rare occasions now too, but it is so all-consuming when it happens. And yes – the thing about wanting no-one around but also wanting someone right next to you the whole time! Brilliant post! #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Great post, giving a very honest and clear insight to what living with anxiety can be like. And it’s really great that you’re aware of it yourself and can write it down like this, so that a potential partner can know rather than having to figure it out for themselves. Anxiety can really make people act hurtful sometimes, and it’s easier on the recieving end if you know that it’s the anxiety speaking, so not to take it personally xx #thesatsesh

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I think so cancelling plans etc can come across rude which then makes you more anxious because you didn’t mean it that way!!! A little easier if you can explain to people

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely. I’ve experienced the ‘being pushed away’ thing in both friendships and relationships, and it hurts a lot less when you know the reasons behind it. And is much more likely to be able to mend afterwards, too ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I can so relate to this lovely. It really is debilitating and so hard for others to grasp a lot of the time, not just in relationships but also with friendships and family. You are a catch! To be so in tune with what is going on with your anxiety is great… plus you make pie. Complete winner! xxx #honeybeelinky

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My husband has learned my “cheat codes” he knows when I need to be alone and he knows when I need him. It wasn’t easy getting to where we are, but I think it is reassuring to others to know that it is possible.
    #FamilyFun

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  8. Such an amazing post. I totally get the whole noise thing when anxious. For me, if I’m under any kind of stress or pressure, the slightest noise triggers anxiety and huge mood change thats so hard to get out of. Luckily my husband learned my cheat codes a long time ago. These are all really great tips.
    Thank you for joining the #FamilyFunLinky x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You sure have a great understanding of how anxiety affects you and how you and others can deal with it which in my opinion is a really good place to be in. I hope you can find someone that is everything you need and want and hopefully then be able to ride it out and not dump them. Best of luck and thank you for linking with #stayClassyMama

    Liked by 1 person

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