I haven’t forgotten and I certainly do not forgive

These days , so many years after I left the abusive relationship I do at times have to communicate with the man who abused me . 

When I first left this was a massive anxiety trigger for me.Just seeing his name in my e-mail inbox had me struggling to breath and my heart racing. The fight or flight reflex was still very much in place even though I was physically away from him. His name alone was still so closely linked with terror and the anticipation of something awful happening.

This is no longer the case.

I see his name in my e-mail. I roll my eyes. I maybe mutter “what does this twat want now ”  under my breath but there’s no fear there. There’s boredom at having to read his over friendly words as though I’m some old friend he’d lost contact with. There’s mild irritation in his choice of over familiar language and his appalling spelling. Nothing about it causes me panic anymore though.I can arrange him seeing the kids ,I can deal with emails .

One thing about having to communicate with him though ,now we’re so far down the line , is that he seems to have expected that I have forgotten what he did. That he can make attempts at humour or that he can project some kind of united front when he talks of ‘our’ kids or makes observations about the children as though he knows them oh so well. That he can add lol to the end of a sentence cos we’re old buddies now , never mind all that torturous abuse that was just bants mate come on lol with me!!

It seems to him that because I tolerate communication from time to time everything that has gone before is swept under the carpet. He acts as though we’re exes who had a bitter break up but so many years later it’s all healed and fine.

Well no.

He doesn’t get to rewrite history. He doesn’t get to edit and censor my experiences. I know he’s done this himself. I know he has a story he tells people about our relationship and why it ended as subsequent girlfriend’s have sought me out once they’ve split with him. He’s chosen a story for himself (you’ve probably heard it many of you – psycho ex stopping him seeing his kids???) He tells his story to friends and family and new in laws.

Don’t try and tell that story to me though. I was there.

I was there the first time he ever hit me (in an Odeon carpark , he hated the movie , it was American Beauty)

I was there the first time I lied about marks on my face (it was at work ,I said I’d fallen out of bed)

I was there when I was putting something heavy against the bedroom door so I could just please nap when I was exhausted and pregnant without him flying through the door in a rage at my laziness.

I was there when every special day , Christmas , kids birthdays , were spoilt by him having toddler tantrums because all the attention was away from him.

I was there through the really dark times.

The ones I won’t even write about because I won’t give them oxygen.

I remember every last one though.

Every last detail.

Every last word he said.

So you see never would I want to be pally with someone like that . I’m never going to engage in anecdotes about these amazing children with him. I’m not going to “lol” at his far from hilarious quips. 

Should he mistake my bare minimum communication for forgiveness then he is so very wrong . Remembering is my strength. It’s my reassurance that I did the right thing all those years ago and the only forgiveness I’m interested in showing to anyone in that situation is to the scared girl who packed up her kids and fled.

My Facebook page is here

Not Just the 3 of Us



16 thoughts on “I haven’t forgotten and I certainly do not forgive

  1. I am so sorry that you have obviously been through such a horrendous time. However I absolutely applaud and have so much respect for your strength in coming through it all and sharing your story to reach out to others. You’re proof that people can walk away and don’t have to live with abuse. Sending hugs xx


  2. I am in awe of the strong woman you are. To survive and thrive is an indication of just what kind of stuff YOU are made of. To ignore one’s appalling actions and sweep them under the rug as though they never happened? Well, karma is a bitch! xx #TweensTeensBeyond

    Liked by 1 person

  3. And you are so right to remember them as that is a natural mechanism to make sure it doesn’t happen to you again. It’s a form of self-preservation. You are such an inspiration for the way that you have moved on with your life but this is a timely reminder that what happened to you cannot be erased and nor should it. Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The fact that you have gone from a position of weakness to one of strength is always a bitter pill for a bully. I am sure he will have exonerated himself by transferring the blame and forgetting the detail, but the main thing is you haven’t, nor will you. He has obviously mistaken strength for forgiveness here. There is a big difference. Thanks for sharing with #tweensteensbeyond

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cannot even begin to imagine how tough it all must’ve been – the first time, the second, the time you realised and even leaving. But you are doing so well and are so strong. An inspiration for sure. Tight hug x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I found myself in a bad relationship once. It was a really long time ago and wasn’t nearly as serious nor were there kids involved. But then one day he finds me on Facebook and starts sending messages like we’re long lost friends. I didn’t even reply. Not worth my time. Some people live in their own reality. Thanks for sharing with #Blogstravaganza.

    Liked by 1 person

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