Whilst I was away in Edinburgh discovering myself and being the most self indulgent I’ve ever been – my children were growing up without me.
So there I was in Edinburgh , aware of course that the elder 3’s dads wedding was taking place at the same time. In fact I chose to go away those dates purposefully so I wasn’t at home brooding resentfully .
I was sat in a cute little tea shop , scribbling in my notebook watching the world go by when my phone beeped.
This popped up on the screen:
Firstly I was shocked.There’s a distinct possibility my mouth was open and I was sporting the look my sister calls my ‘dozy face’
Just look at those beautiful young people.
They’re not those tiny babies I once had .
They’re not the toddlers that meant I didn’t sleep for 3 years.
They’re not the pre-schoolers I spent time teaching to read and write so terrified I was that they’d be behind otherwise.
They’re not those little children I scooped up and ran away with , changing all of our lives forever.
This girl is not my hoody loving girl who hasn’t worn a dress in a decade:
They’re grown , rounded , amazing , sociable people.
Then an awful thought struck me.
I’m on borrowed time.
I’ve had these amazing people in my life for so long. I’ve been the one allowed to attempt to raise and guide them and ensure I put good people out into the world.
Obviously at this point I’m the teary woman in the tea shop (thank goodness for hidden corners)
Having a post weekend thought dump on my Facebook page over the weekend I kind of worked out where the shock and the sadness came from.
You see the end game of this parenting lark is quite a cruel one. The main objective after all the blood sweat and (soooo many )tears is to have raised children who no longer need you. Who can survive and thrive independently. That’s pretty hard to take.
I think it’ll be ok though.
Back when I was a mum of 3 under 3 an old lady at a bus stop looked at the hormonal,sleep deprived woman and though it was ok to tell her that she didn’t know how people could bring children into such a terrible world. I jumped straight on the defensive and told her maybe if I raised good people they could get out there and change it a little for the better .
I think maybe I’ve done just that!