I found myself !! (She was in a theatre in Edinburgh all along)

Ok , I’ll level with you here. This is going to be a bit of an egocentric post. It’s probably going to also read like an X Factor sob story! Talk of a journey and everything!! Flying Without Wings should really be playing in the background!!….. I’ll keep it short??Deal???

A while ago I wrote about how after the abusive relationship I’d harboured an unrealistic expectation that I’d return to be the girl I was before I met him ( it’s here if you want a read

It took me years to realise this would never be the case : abuse changed me. 

That 18 year old pre-him.

She was gone.

Over the years I’ve ploughed my time into the obvious child rearing. I’d dragged them up here , least I could do is to ensure they are happy and settled (turns out children are very adaptable )

Then I had a little wobble about how the kids were getting older and didn’t need me anymore and who am I? if they don’t need me?

I wrote an identity crisis bucket list , things I wanted to do because I loved them. To try to ‘find myself’ (urgh I know, so sorry did warn you of x factor speak …though I did also say I’d keep it short I guess!)
On the list was Edinburgh Festival. Something I’d always fancied. A whole weekend of theatre ….sign me up!!
When I was alone on my trip was when I realised. I needed to prove myself to myself of all people.

I’ve shaken off how I was called fat,ugly and stupid on a daily basis during the abusive relationship. I no longer believe any of this to be true. I also no longer believe I am worthless and the worst mum. I don’t believe people cringe when I speak and I bore everyone.

I’m not bluffing either. I don’t believe those things about myself anymore. 

Yet here’s the thing. Up until this weekend I did expect that was how I was seen by others. I did worry my chat bored people silly and they found me dull and boring.That I was just that mum with a load of kids in other people’s eyes.

I spoke to so many different people last weekend though , men ,women all different ages and that worry that I was dull and had nothing to contribute never crossed my mind once. 

Then I realised, THIS is me. That real me I’d been searching for. I’m sociable and chatty and friendly. I’m not anxious about chatting to strangers ,I like it. I’m the woman absolutely in her element in a gorgeous city with lovely people with wall to wall to theatre.

That’s me

I quite like her













Advertisements

30 thoughts on “I found myself !! (She was in a theatre in Edinburgh all along)

  1. Please read “I thought it was just me” by Brene Brown or even her “Daring Greatly” book. Both of these really made me think about the way I talked to myself and having self-compassion. Well done on getting to where you are though and hey, I quite like you too xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a massive step! As someone who has survived a nasty, toxic, abusive relationship, I know some of what you must feel. Good luck on continuing to rediscover you! Thanks for linking up with #TheMMLinky x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That is amazing. I too suffered a toxic and abusive relationship and my time being homeless really changed me and made me into a person I really respect today. Sounds like you’ve had quite a journey #mmlinky

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s amazing what a manipulative person can do to your self-esteem. So pleased you’ve come out the other side and realised who the real you is! Very brave to write about it to. I bet you feel a bit lighter. xx #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think a lot of us are different on our blogs than we are in real life. Someone asked me in a comment if I was related to Mr Bean, which made me laugh! My posts are all true, but they’re all funny. It makes it sound as if ridiculous things are happening to me all of the time. They’re not…but when they do I blog about them. I’m glad you’ve reached the point you’re now at, and it’s great that blogging is helping you on your journey. #TweensTeensBeyond

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha related to Mr Bean!!!! Yes that’s it no one wants to read about us doing the laundry etc so we blog about the funny , ridiculous stuff!!!

      Like

  6. It is only when we are alone without the support of our loved ones that we really find out who we are. I am so delighted that each experience is helping you to rebuild your self-confidence. It is a very fragile thing and although easily destroyed as you know only too well is difficult to find again. We visited the festival too this year. It is a great place to go to be amongst like-minded people, with shared passions and to cast aside all inhibitions. #TweensTeensBeyond

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love that you did this alone. Very brave but also probably very wonderful and enlightening. You are really on a roll now Kelly and this shows so clearly through your posts and it’s just heartening to read. Looking forward to hearing what’s next at #tweensteensbeyond

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Really enjoyed this and I think it’s fab that you are ‘finding’ your true self again! She’s always been there, you know, and I know that now my kids are leaving the nest, there’s definitely another side to me that’s been hidden under ‘layers of mum’ waiting to resurface. It’s an exciting time for us all! Glad I found your blog! Lisa xx #TweensTeensBeyond

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s