To the mum enduring an abusive relationship at Christmas time… 

Dear friend, 

We don’t necessarily know one another  but maybe we do. Living with abuse I know is torturous and I know you feel so alone, so I just wanted you to know that I know.
 
I know how your abuser hates Christmas and uses this as a mantra in order to justify his behaviour. That he’d never have torn the Christmas tree down if you hadn’t made a fuss when you know he hates Christmas. 

I know that you’re going to spend the whole of the festive period treading on eggshells, trying not to draw attention to yourself or the children. Trying to quietly play with them,make them feel loved and nurture them whilst keeping  them from being too noisy or too messy so as not to unleash his temper. 

I know all the work will have been left to  you, all the food shopping and present buying. Even if he’s withheld money you’d still have been expected to get presents, and you probably have. 

I know whatever presents you have bought will be wrong. You’ll either have bought the wrong thing or you’ll have bought too much and he’ll call the children spoilt. He’ll tell you you’re an awful mum but he’s wrong. You’re not. You’re incredible. 

I know that Christmas time might be a lonely place for you. Maybe you’re isolated from your own family and friends so have to spend Christmas with his. Having to watch him turn on the charm in public and play the devoted family man. 

I know you’ll have not been able to get it right if you’ve been round his family. If you’ve been quiet he’ll accuse you of rudeness and being stuck up, asking who the hell you think you are and ensuring you continue to feel like shit. 

Alternatively if you’ve been chatty you’ll be accused of flirting with his brother, his friends, his dad. Accused of having an affair, called a slag whilst simultaneously told you’re  so fat and ugly no one else would ever want you. 

I know maybe he’ll not buy you a Christmas present, he’ll tell you you’re not worth it. He’ll spit that he didn’t get you anything from the kids because you are such a terrible mother. Maybe it’ll go the other way though, maybe he’s presented you with the grand gesture, an expensive gift in front of people that’ll likely be smashed into pieces at his hands by new year.

Alcohol is a factor at Christmas too I know. He’ll use it as an excuse for his appaling behaviour. Blame it on the drink. Should you pour a glass of wine though then you’re back in awful mother territory. An alcoholic. A disgrace. 

I think that there is likely still a tiny glimmer of hope inside you. You’ll ignore it for the most part because it is terrifying, you can’t let your mind begin to daydream about another way. You’ve just got to put all your energies into making the kids feel loved, keeping them safe. Focus on just surviving, your thoughts almost exclusively trained towards preempting his next move, keeping him calm. 

You probably have even forgotten it was there, than tiny spark of hope. It’s been dampened over the years certainly but not extinguished. It’s lying dormant waiting for the day it’s safe for you to leave. It makes me sick to even say that. Safe to leave. We know the statistics though, we’ve read the newspaper stories, we know leaving abuse can be dangerous. 

When it’s safe though, when you’re ready that tiny glimmer of hope will see you through. 

I’m sorry that your Christmas is an ordeal. I’m sorry everywhere you look you see happy families enjoying cheery Christmases with devoted fathers and husbands and you wonder why you don’t get to have that. Even the TV bombards you with smiling festive families and I know it just makes you want to weep for your children and for yourself. I know you do your weeping in secret. I’ve been you.

 
I’ve done years of Christmas being a time of violence and of criticism and shouting and screaming and pain. I didn’t think there’d ever be a time that that wasn’t my life. I couldn’t have ever envisaged that one day the children and I would be safe here in our house, able to do Christmas our way, able to enjoy rather than endure. Here we are though. It is possible, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. I know you can get there too. 

Just please know this, 

You are valuable and you deserve to be free. You are loved and cherished and there is a whole army of women out here ready to mobilise and support you when you are able to make those steps. 

I wish you a safe Christmas and a peaceful new year

Xxxxx

If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help the Women’s Aid website is here for help and advice 

The Freedom Programme which helped me immeasurably after I’d left the abusive relationship but also is open for women still in the relationship has groups around the country as well as an online course. Their website is  here

My Facebook blog page is here

 

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Not Just the 3 of Us

JakiJellz

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62 thoughts on “To the mum enduring an abusive relationship at Christmas time… 

  1. This is a beautiful piece directed at so many suffering right now making our drama seem quite insignificant. You are right. Christmas is a time of stress, fear and anxiety for so many suffering.

    Thanks for linking up #globalblogging

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a beautiful post, made me actually stop and think for one minuted that there are women out there who sadly do not enjoy Christmas as much as other people. Thank you bringing this to our attention. #GlobalBlogging

    Liked by 1 person

  3. wow this is so beautifully written. I hope that someone out there reads this and motivates them to get help; even if its just to talk to someone.
    Thank you for being there for someone; even if they don’t reach out, they know someone out there is thinking of them. #EatSleepBlogRT

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This piece really touched me. We get so wrapped up in our own experiences that we tend to forget that for some, this can be a really difficult season! Good on you for bringing awareness to this. It must of been a difficult post to write! Thank you for sharing! #globalblogging

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What a powerful piece – I can’t imagine how hard the festive period must be for someone who feels trapped in this kind of relationship. Thanks for sharing this and making us all aware that you never know what someone else might be going through this time of year. #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Such a heart-touching letter and encouraging those that are trapped in abusive relationships that they can get out. Christmas is suppose to be a time of joy, happiness and family but for some it is the most stressful time when they are captured in an abusive relationship. You are doing a great job in creating awareness and hoping that those who are reading this and find themselves in a similar situation will get the help.#Dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What an insight. This made me so sad to read – I am sad that you ever had to endure this, and I am sad that it is still going on for so many women up and down the country. I hope that this post gets to them because they need to know that they’re not alone. I will share far and wide #triumphanttales

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Your words are always so powerful. I think it’s amazing that you you have the strength to write these amazing pieces and that you help people who may be suffering along the way. You deserve every happiness xx Thanks so much for being a fab host! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You’re posts are always so powerful Kelly but this one really stopped me in my tracks. It’s true that Christmas is a time when a lot of things come to a head and difficult situations get a whole lot worse. I’m sure that it will be so useful to many women and I hope that those who need to read it get to do so. Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

    Liked by 1 person

  10. What an unbelievably important post. My heart goes out to you and every other woman who could be suffering in the same way, as this family-orientated time of year. I’ve shared it on my Facebook page x #blogstravaganza

    Liked by 1 person

  11. It is reading posts like this that make me think how I take for granted that Christmas is full of love and cheer for everyone when it isn’t. I’m glad you aren’t in that situation anymore and can enjoy Christmas and I hope that someone reads this and feels a little less lonely and sees that there are other options #Blogstravaganza

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m so sorry you had to go through this and i’m Sure there will be many out there that can relate. Glad to hear though that you have come through it. This gives hope to others x
    #blogstravaganza

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Jelly this is beautifully honest but supportive too, I really hope women struggling this Christmas read it and know that there is Lighty at the end of the tunnel xx #blogcrush

    Like

  14. Back again from BlogCrush and very happy to share again. This is such an important post and I am sure lots of women will be taking comfort from knowing that someone knows the horror they are living under. I really hope it gives them hope #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

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