Feel the fear and… well freak out and run away actually…

I’ve always disliked the “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” phrase. It makes me feel like a coward for not ploughing on with situations that scare me.

My fight or flight reflex is weighted so heavily in the flight side, fight doesn’t even get in a look in. I run from scary and I feel OK about that.

Except that’s not quite true.

That’s the opinion I have of myself and let’s face it, self awareness and I are not friends. I’m talked in this blog previously about how I am so lacking in self awareness it’d be funny if it wasn’t so ridiculous.

I shared this blog though.
The thought of that was scary – but I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. Even if it never got another view I’d still be here wittering on to myself. Writing down my thoughts helps me process and deal with what’s on my mind and that can’t be a bad thing.

The problem is most of the things I’m fearful of, certainly almost every situation I’m frightened of are because of things I’ve conjured up in my own head. The things I’m fearful of most come straight from my own brain. How daft is that? If that’s the case though, surely that’s something I can remedy.

I’d love to write a book. I know many, many people feel the same. Many many people then go on to actually do it (thanks for the books- you people you make my world a much nicer place)
Only I’m fearful of people laughing at such an idea, I feel daft for even just writing that. I’m worried people would tell me to take my terribly punctuated writing away and leave it to the professionals.
There’s no evidence at all that this is what people would say. Say I did write a book. Say it was the very worst book that had ever been written – so what? It wouldn’t have hurt anyone.

Stop being a coward Kelly. Go reread the thousands of words you’ve saved in that word document, see if you can make anything of them.

I’ve gone on and on (and on and on) about wanting to find the man out there who is perfect for me. I have The Boyfriend List, I’m good to go.

Except when I do meet someone who ticks off the boxes on said list I’m fearful.

It’s not what you think either. The abusive relationship certainly shook my view of relationships and men but I don’t for one second think all men would behave that way. I’ve had less than a handful of boyfriends in my life and unfortunately yes they were cut from the same twatty cloth. It’s not meeting a ‘perfect for me’ guy that I’m scared of though but my own judgement. My judge of character is generally left found lacking and that’s what worries me.

It’s me being a coward again, making up excuses and reasons to not just be a bit brave. Again – stop being a coward Kelly unless in 20 years you want the local kids to start referring to you as the crazy cat lady.

I’m fearful of messing the kids up.
I’m fearful of being a rubbish human.
I’m fearful of disappointing people and instead exhaust myself people pleasing.

It’s all nonsense really though isn’t it?
I’ve done some brave stuff.
I’ve been courageous and it’s all paid off.

Leaving the abusive relationship was terrifying, making the decision to become a single mum was a huge risk and scared the life out of me.

There were no guarantees it’d all work out, at times I couldn’t see how it could.

The biggest rewards have always come from taking the biggest chances.

I have to remember that.

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