I’m in the midst of an anxiety wobble right now. In fact I’m writing this as a distraction technique (I recognise that writing about the thing I’m trying to distract myself from seems a bit odd – anxiety is an irrational arsehole)
I’ve no scary physical symptoms today though. I’m not shaky, I don’t have the annoying facial numbing that often turns up. I’ve not vomited. My legs aren’t wobbly.
Neither am I in a panic.
I don’t have feelings of dread.
I don’t even feel scared.
Yet this kind of anxious moment is the most troublesome to me these days (I’m so grateful for that too. The most troublesome part of my anxiety used to be an all consuming fear of fainting crossing the road with the kids with me) that I no longer have to suffer the horrors that anxiety used to gift me with daily is something I really am very grateful for. These days though these seemingly calm moments of anxiety are the worst, nothing physical going on except an ever so slight quickening in my breathing pattern. It’s all going on in my mind though which is a bloody pain.
I’m over thinking… this is never good.
I’m not having deep thoughts about the state of the country (though that would certainly be worthy of a good solid panic) Instead I’m taking tiny things and blowing them out of all proportion. I’m assuming the fact small girl’s daddy hasn’t texted me back within 5 mins means something dreadful has happened and my overactive imagination is filling in the gaps (that are not even there!) about exactly what this could be.
What it likely is is that he’s not a phone obsessive like me and he’ll just not be by his phone right now. I know this.
I can rationalise.
I do know that my brain is just playing tricks on me but right now in the moment that doesn’t help at all. Anxiety is a total bellend in that respect.
So although I’m sat quite calm, functioning perfectly well with mum tasks (there’s talk of a Trivial Pursuit game in a sec, they’ll wipe the floor with me and my shot concentration) still the mind is racing.
I’ll be fine in a bit. I know I will. That’s the reassuring thing with my experience of anxiety. I know it won’t last.
For now though I could just do with someone to stroke my hair and make soothing sssshhhing noises. Oooo in fact did I not say earlier in the week that next time anxiety hit I wanted to be read to by Thierry Henry and his lovely soothing voice? Let’s do that… I bet he’d be good at the hair stroking too.. and I bet he smells soothing… Anyone have his number???
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