An unexpected bout of grief..

My parents died more than 18 years ago. Before I was a mum, before the relationship I was in became abusive (he’d moved himself in before the funeral though should have been a clue in hindsight) , before I became an adult. So I should surely be ‘over it’ by now?
I am of course fine the majority of the time. I live my life , I constantly tell stories to my children about the grandparents they never met. Chats with my siblings about our parents usually end in giggles rather than tears.

Grief is a weird emotion though, unlike any other I think. It allows you to function after the raw all encompassing period ends. It allows you to do the most normal of everyday tasks. However it’s a little like a door left open a tiny crack, which at anytime can be shoved open with such a huge force it cracks the adjoining wall leading the whole house to fall on top of you.

Things that set off the stomach wrenching, whole body ache of missing someone happen less and less over time, in my experience. The first year is the worst. First Christmas, first birthday, and the times you hear juicy gossip and think how you can’t wait to tell… Oh you can’t, that person does not exist anymore.

People are right when they give you the ‘time is a healer’ line. As years goes on it usually takes something significant to make you feel the grief as raw as that first year. For me, having my first child was a massive one. Looking at my son, loving him so utterly and realising, for the very first time that that’s how my parents must have felt about me. That was a tough one.

Last week though, I had an unexpected hit of grief. One of those ones where it is absolutely necessary to cry loudly, produce more snot than you believed possible and do the whole curl up in a ball thing. (and don’t get me wrong I felt so much better for it)
It was all Up, the movie fault. It’s always going to make you shed a tear. That first ten minutes is a sob athon right there. The thing that caused the kick to the tummy, grief ridden blow for me though, was when my little girl turned to me and asked why was the man still talking to his wife when she was dead. Understandable question. Now as much as I tried to get the line ” because he still loves her so much” from my brain to my mouth, my trembling lip would not let it happen. It was like the opposite of being told not to laugh and giggles sneaking out. Thankfully, little girl wasn’t really looking for an answer and was soon distracted by talking dogs,  so I got to go and have a good cry, without too much bother.

I do talk to my parents a bit. It’s usually phrases such as ” so what the hell am I meant to do now? ” and ” you could’ve stuck around a little longer to help me with this ” I’m not sure I noticed I did it though, until my little girl asked the question. Maybe, thinking about it now, the correct answer would have been, ” because it’s too hard to let go forever”

I’m still not sure though why such a simple thing set me off.I don’t know what the next thing will be in years to come, which is where grief is quite powerful really. In a way it’s reassuring. That total and utter void that comes in the immediate aftermath of losing someone is gone. It does no harm at all though to be reminded from time to time that that little chink from your heart is still missing.

 

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34 thoughts on “An unexpected bout of grief..

  1. This brought a real lump to my throat. I know it was years ago but I am so very sorry that you lost your parents before they could share so much of your life with you. Up is a bloody emotional film without all this to contend with so it’s totally understandable why you had to have a good sob. Take care. x #eatsleepblogRT

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  2. Up, that is a sneaky little film that goes in your heart and finds the dormant emotion that needs catharsis. This post is so beautiful. I am so sad you have lost your parents before all this joy arrived in the form of a child. Who knows why things are the way they are – keep feeling. That is the important thing. xoxo #thesatsesh

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  3. #thesatsesh Blooming UP! so after our little girl died I didn’t want to leave the house – I wanted to avoid questions and strangers asking when it was due…. My Mr came out with a fab idea to go and see UP…yup, you can’t go wrong with Disney (ummm… you can probably guess the rest, mind you I was so distraught before entering we actually ended up laughing by what we were watching!)

    Grief is unpredictable and never leaves you. Im glad you were able to let it out….and not up 🙂

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  4. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you went through afterwards. Nobody ever fully gets over the death of loved ones and It’s ok to grieve and grieve heavily. Your blog shows this is ok and I’m sure people in a similar position will find comfort from it 💜🧡💛💚

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  5. Oh sweetheart, now I haven’t lost my mum. But I doubt it’s something that you will ever get
    over. My mum lost her mum over five years ago and she said to me that she feels as if she has to get over it. It actually made my heart ache. Remember it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to miss them and remember to always talk aboht them. Keep telling those stories to keep their memories alive and live on. #BlogCrush

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  6. Up makes me cry too. I’m so sorry for your loss. I grieve over the childhood I should have had. My parents are still alive. I get annoyed at myself and wish I could get over it, but there is still a lingering part that wonders what I could have achieved if I had been protected and loved better. I totally understand how something can knock you sideways. I’d say the majority of the time I give it very little consideration but then something will give me that knot in my stomach feeling, and I feel so sad again. It’s how we bounce back that matters in the end though xx Maria

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    1. Yes that’s a really good point. I’m sorry you had such a rough time when you were younger , as you say though how you get through it is important

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  7. My Mum dies when many years ago, but my dad is gone 15 years, just two months before our first was born! At least she gave us positive things to look forward to and experience. I always remember for the first year after my Dad’s death, and we would be visiting the family home where my younger brother and family live, is his chair beside the door to the bathroom. Seeing it empty was hard. #BlogCrush

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  8. Grief is one of those things that stay with you always. Time makes it something easier to bear, but it only takes a small trigger to start the emotions feeling fresh again. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your parents so young, that must have been really difficult. A good cry does help sometimes. I still cry at the start of Up, and also Big Hero 6, I lost a brother too. xx

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  9. Grief is the ultimate in fascinating beasts and I empathise as so many will with what you say in this post. I would respin the final bit and say that the chink is not missing but rather it belongs to someone who you loved and how amazing is that?! Love and loss – so entwined. It really annoyed me once when my brother made fun of the partner of my uncle because he would talk to my uncle by the tree we got in his memory. And then I felt sorry for my brother that as a single bloke maybe he just has never felt such deep love. So in a way if we grieve it really does show what a lovely deal we had at some point. Lovely post as ever. #BlogCrush

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    1. That’s the work I would use -fascinating . How your brain let’s you plod along with life but time to time just drags you back and makes you remember

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  10. Wonderful post. My heart goes out to you.

    My parents are still alive but I am so scared of the day when they will leave this world. When I was a little girl and I first learned the concept of death, I was so scared of it—couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose mommy and daddy someday. Now, those feelings are creeping in again, more so because it is a reality that everyone will face. My God I don’t know how I will be able to deal with that kind of grief. I just want to hug my parents again and be with them and spend time with them as much as I can. They just live so far away. Can’t wait to see them again next year. #BlogCrush

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    1. Yes that must be tricky being so far away. I whinge about missing my sister but she’s only 2 and a half hours so should really get home more

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  11. Isn’t it funny how its always something little that sets you off? I have always cried at films, but I’m even worse since being a Mum. I am so sorry that your little ones never met your parents. They would have been so proud of you all. #BlogCrush

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  12. Kelly, I’ve not seen “Up.” Maybe I better not! I continue to miss my parents, was thinking of them when I wrote this week’s blog post. I remember them a lot through food, you’ll notice. When someone you love dies, you never really “get over it,” but you “get through it.” Wishing you all the best. ~ Jean

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  13. Oh that film gets me every time. Pixar and Disney play with your emotions constantly. Grief is certainly strange. I lost my Grandfather in 2004 but when it snowed last year I walked past a little girl with sandwich bags over her gloves and my Grandad used to do that for me to keep them dry and it set me off completely. Plastic bags! #blogcrush

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  14. I haven’t watched that movie yet but I do cry a good cry for a few other movies. But on the topic of grief – I did a post about this a couple of months ago and when people say time heals – it doesn’t really heal. It just becomes acceptable but you never really get over the hurt of it #blogcrush

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  15. Oh that film gets me weeping every time! I think both your answers are correct and your description of that tiny crack in the door that has so much potential is painfully accurate. I am sorry for your loss (I don’t believe it’s ever too late to say that because the loss is continuous). #blogcrush

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