My mental health and wellbeing ,though fragile at times is on the whole pretty predictable. I suffer with anxiety. Recently (touch wood!!) there have been no huge flare ups. None of the chest crushing , struggling to breath. None of the panicky over thinking about all the terrible things that are going to happen. It’s just there , by my side. Gives me a little nudge from time to time to remind me its still there, but on the whole we put up with one another and get along.
At present though another one of my mental health struggles has reared it’s ugly head. I’m suffering a period of low mood. Do you know how you can tell?? Because my hair and make up are immaculate. I do that. The worse I feel on the inside the more I overcompensate on the outside.That way no one will suspect will they? No one will realise that underneath it’s all a bit shit right now. Unfortunately the people I have to deal with regularly won’t understand. I can call my sister and immediately feel brighter.Chit chat is a great distraction and talking to her will always make me smile. Chatting to my sister is like a cosy comfort blanket.The people I have to physically see though . The people I’d like to be able to ask to do the school run for me because I don’t want to see anyone today. They’d not understand. I know what they’d say
“Pull yourself together”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself”
“Oh you’re just dwelling”
So I pretend.
Of course anyone who’s ever suffered a mental health blip knows that I could no more snap out of it than I could sprout wings and fly to the moon. I’ve tried. I’ve ended each crappy day telling myself tomorrow is a brand new day. Tomorrow I might feel better, back to ‘normal’.
I’m waking up still feeling the same though just now. I’m feeling that I just want to pull the duvet over my head and hibernate for a few days until I feel better. That’s what I do have going for me you see?? My mental health can be a fragile thing as I’ve said but it is predictable. I know this feeling won’t last forever. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m lucky in that respect.
Today I feel useless and that I drain everyone I come into contact with. That I’m not worth anyone’s time. Today I feel a bit worthless and that I’m a big bother to everyone.Today I feel that there’s nothing I can do right and the kids are unlucky to be stuck with me.I feel that I shouldn’t even be talking about how I feel low when other people have it so much worse than I do,people with chronic illness whose life day in day out is a huge struggle and here I am whinging that I’m feeling down.
I do know I won’t feel like this forever though.
.Just writing this has eased things a little. I’m not good at vocalising my feelings but writing them down , thought dumping via keyboard I can manage.
I know I’ll feel better soon.For today though , can I just be duvet girl??
If anyone’s around for chocolate and hair stroking though- there’s plenty enough room!Follow @daydreamer_mum