Hugs……and how I KNEW The Doctor and I had something in common!!!!!

During the Capaldi-fest which was the Doctor Who finale on Saturday my adoration for The Doctor was finally sealed. I’ve always known we had lots in common (If we really have seen the back of Clara and he’s looking for a single mum in her 30’s with a dodgy Hull accent as his new companion look no further!!) We both have a ‘thing ‘ for Billie Piper , we’re both clinging to the right side of sanity just about and we both have an awesome time machine….oh ok maybe the last one is just on my Christmas wish list!!!

The best thing though is I’ve finally found someone who doesn’t like hugs!!!!

Clara: Why don’t you like hugging Doctor?

Doctor: Never trust a hug , it’s just a way to hide your face

Borderline cheesy yes I know , but it had me cheering !

Hugs and I don’t get along.

Hugs with the children are a whole other kettle of fish, those guys I can cuddle up with for hours on end. It’s nice and it’s relaxing and calming and affectionate and just feels right. Hugging them just fits. The same as my niece and nephews , I miss those kids so much that when I see them I won’t leave them alone!!  “You’ll never be too old for cuddling up with auntie Kelly ” says needy old auntie Kelly.

Grown ups though? adults? The hugging thing makes me cringe!! My  friends I love them , adore them. I tell them all the time how much I think of them after a glass of wine!My sister , my favourite adult in the world the same (thankfully she’s not a cuddler either)Even with these girls though hugging makes me feel awkward. If someone goes in for the Hi hug  I’m hoping it’s going to be brief!!The physical closeness thing doesn’t feel lovely or affectionate ,just awkward.

I’m much better than I used to be with physical affection. I used to hate touching of any kind! I’ve never been a hand-holder with boyfriends. Recently though I have found myself becoming more tactile. I can do sympathetic arm stroking  , I can put an arm round the shoulders in a comforting gesture and it’s finally something that feels natural, where it never did before. I wonder if it’s the abusive relationship that made me this way .Being in that cold unfeeling environment for so long where no touching ever felt nice , no touching was loving , no touching was gentle or kind.Maybe that’s why I can’t stand it.

I’m almost sure it’s a defensive thing. Keep people at a distance, I’ve spoken of how my emotional intimacy capacity is pretty dire. Keeping  people at a physical distance,  just keeps everyone aware we’re not going to be doing any of that ‘love stuff'( I’m exceptionally bad at the ‘love stuff’ but I’ll let you in on that whole other level of oddness another time) .Let’s just say Mr Right is going to have to have patience underlined and in bold as a quality on his dating CV.

Maybe it’s because it’s just been so long since I were in a relationship where touching and cuddling and physical affection is a thing, that actually I’m just out of the habit. Maybe when Mr Right and his super comfy , hugely patient hugs come along it’ll work, those hugs will fit too and I can stop worrying that I’m just not capable!! I do worry about it too ,I’m almost 35 and been single for so long I do consider my own behaviour. I think hug-hater may give out the wrong signal! I am a warm person , I’m thoughtful and kind and loving I hope. It’s just those bloody cuddles!!

For now though , I’m with The Doctor .This doesn’t bode particularly well what with him being an alien and all. I’m thinking though if he’s got two hearts and doesn’t like hugging maybe me with just one ,that’s ok for now.

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