Reasons I’m (probably)best off being single…possibly forever!!

I don’t really mean forever.

I’ve no ambitions to become the cat lady and if Mr Perfect popped up I’d welcome him.

Thing is dating is a pain isn’t it? , I’m quite lazy ,   quirky and clumsy…these traits throw up problems with actively seeking out a guy I can tolerate. I just can’t be bothered with it all and so though I would love my quirky soulmate to turn up and render me giddy with fluttery butterflies , I’m kind of just sitting here waiting for him to show up.

As  you can imagine , as techniques go it’s not the most efficient.

I’m just bad at dating , even the thought of it tires me out.

Let me tell you about my issues , at the very least you can think to yourselves “thank goodness I’m not the poor guy going out with her” and I’m always one to promote gratitude!!

* I find ‘getting ready’ an absolute pain in the arse.
In the younger days , getting ready was half the fun of going out.Our nights would begin with a group gathering at one of our houses around lunchtime.We’d preen and pout and try on 6 outfits.
Now if I’m going out , I initially have fun choosing an outfit , doing minor major face/hair/body prep so as to banish mummy for a couple hours! I bang Beyonce on , pour a glass of wine and do an amazing rendition of the Single ladies dance in my bra.
Then I realise this is pretty fun as it is , cancel going out ,finish the wine then snuggle under a duvet with Sat eve tv!!I’d probably cancel a date if someone good was on Jonathon Ross and it meant I could stay in my pjs.

* I’m a giggler
Despite being 36 , when faced with situations that make me nervous I get the giggles. I don’t mean a sweet little tinkly giggle either. I mean the kind of borderline guffaw that renders you unable to speak.The kind where the more you try and stop ( aware you are looking like a hysterical loon) the more you laugh! I end up coming across as a cross between a moron and a hyper chimp!!

*I’ve a number of food quirks
I hate people eating off my plate.
“ooo can I try yours” bleurgh!!!
I have Victorian style table etiquette…GET YOUR ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE.
If my food has been on the same plate as something I dislike,I can’t eat it.Sharing platters are problematic.
I’m clumsy , this translates to eating.Imagine Miranda…she’d look sophisticated next to me!!

* I’m not easily ‘got’
I’ve covered this before.
I say things I think are funny..and end up accidentally causing offence.Conversation with new people have gone like this:
Him: So , are you close to your parents?
Me: Not really , they’re dead.
Him:I am so sorry
Me: Don’t be , it’s not your fault!(insert nervous giggle)
I can’t do emotive subject manner easily , though in my efforts to deflect I can come across as flippant and uncaring.
In reality it’s just awkwardness.

* Away from home people struggle with my accent!
I end up playing a social game of Articulate , in public.
Him: What would you like to drink?
Me:Just a coke please.
Him: cerk???what’s cerk??
Me:brown , fizzy , not Pepsi

Me:I’ll just turn off my phone
Him:your what??your fern??
Me:Has numbers text people with it

Him: Cold tonight?
Me: Yeah I wonder if it’ll snow
Me:White, cold , you build snur men with it!!

So you see , the effort I would expend having to date just wouldn’t be worth the return.

I’ll stick with books , fruit n nut and Merlot for company for now I think.

Having said that , Mr Perfect -if you’re reading this do not be put off. I really am quite charming I promise. If you’ve a thing for redheaded Yorkshire girls with broods of kids and Victorian table etiquette…lets do something….could be he start of something beautiful…don’t mind the giggly girl balking over the suggestion of a pudding with two spoons!!


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