Dear lovely, kind, intelligent , interesting hot new boyfriend… (my fantasy boyfriend, my rules)
I’ve been single eight years so far and virtually no one has ever come close to boyfriend status. That you’ve gotten to this point, well frankly I’m amazed!It also means you’ve my little sister’s approval (her good judgement of character exceeds mine greatly) So well done you! Honestly bloody well done (my therapist will be thrilled – I did mention her right?? )
The thing is, lovely new boyfriend, it’s been a long while since I’ve had a boyfriend. You remember the chat we had about all the previous ones being knobs ? Well you’ll have to forgive my initial expecting you to be a knob too. I’ll be all defensive and closed off no doubt, so again well done you if you saw that through. It is a truth universally acknowledged that my next boyfriend will have to have the patience of a saint. Go you!!
Now having been out of relationship action for all this time I feel like how relationships are done has changed. Social media has grown so much, where does that fit in? Do we have to be Facebook friends? It’s just all my family are there and.. Oh my!! We certainly don’t have to have a smug couple profile pic do we? Please say no!!
Twitter.. we don’t need to follow one another do we? Just Twitter is my quiet space, my thinking zone.
The last time I was in a new relationship was the late 90’s.I definitely know things have changed since then! How does one communicate with a boyfriend in 2017? We still doing good old fashioned phone calls and texts?? Are we WhatsApping?? What? I’m truly out of the loop.
Oh and don’t even get me started on *whispers * s.e.x. I bet they’ve changed how you do that an all!! Which actually I suppose wouldn’t be so bad as the regular way tends to result in loads of…
Oh! The kids! Forgot about them! I’ll have chatted to you about them. A lot probably.
Is it OK if we keep you at a distance for a long while though??
Thing is I already have to share their time with a million other people. Also if I’m doing the boyfriend thing, I’d be wanting it to be separate from the mum thing. We’re not looking for a father here you see. We’ve been us for a long time now and work well. I’m unsure how an extra person would fit. I assume you probably have kids yourself. Ooo how many though?? Having 4 myself I’m not sure it’s better if you have a whole tribe too so as you understand the chaos or if it’d work better if you just had one or two….. Hmm I’m sure I’ll have over thought the whole kids/boyfriend questions lots though before we got to boyfriend stage so it must be fine. (Handy hint :I over think, just reassure me)
So you see, hot new boyfriend, I really don’t know how to be a girlfriend anymore. Last time I did a new relationship I was 18 ,size 8, childless. Now I’m… well not that anymore!
Anyway I cannot wait to meet you, thoughtful new boyfriend, if you’ve learnt all about my ‘little issues’ and quirks and can put up with my incessant chattering about nothing in particular then I’m reckoning you’re a good lad!
Lots of love (not in an I Love You way though. I can’t really do ‘love stuff’ – see earlier reference to my little issues)
Ps. You do like crisp sandwiches and wine right?? Red preferably but I can compromise with gin…
And you don’t snore do you?…
And you’ll let me take you to a quaint Northern city called Hull right?..
Gosh YOU are one lucky guy!!