How I stuff up the winter wardrobe

I love winter clothes, I really do. Ditching the flesh flashing dresses and kicking the sandals into touch make me happy. When the magazines start showing all the autumn/winter clothes it makes me happy. Women in gorgeous coats and beautiful boots. In my head I imagine myself dressed all cosy and pulling off the winter look strolling through the park with the kids. I never do though. No matter how hard I try I get it wrong. Every. Single. Winter.

Here’s how.

Wooly Tights
I’m a big fan of the tight. I know there was a big hoo ha a while ago about how naff black tights are but I love them. I even do the old flesh tights in summer thing. Littlest girl often asks why I’m wearing ‘skin tights’. Anyway, winter comes around. Tights ahoy, all colours and styles. I love the thick Wooly ones. Only I can’t stand to buy large. I refuse to accept that my arse is large. I’m that deluded. This results me walking about with my tight crotch down between my knees, stopping every 5 steps to hitch up the tights in a very unladylike fashion.

You never see Beyoncé doing  that.

The fluffy slouchy jumper
Do you know the type I mean? All fluffy and pretty and falls down off the shoulder. It says “oooo look I’m all soft and comfy cosy, come in for a cuddle… Oh but look – exposed shoulder, how sexy! ”
Well it does if you’re a model in a magazine or significantly younger than me.
When I try this trend I look as though I struggle to dress myself. Nothing falls seductively off the shoulder, it just exposes a grey bra and when I pull it back up it falls down at the front exposing my sizable boobs!

Most  unsexy look ever.

Hats
Oh how I so want to rock the knitted beany look. Prance around the Christmas Markets in my wooly hat- rosy cheeks, mulled wine in hand! You know like the glam ones on Instagram. I imagine my perfect side plait coming down looking lovely.
Unfortunately wooly hats make my considerably large forehead itch and sweat. Sweaty forehead means the imagined sweet strands of hair shaping my face just stick to my head. The rosy cheeked look becomes a purple faced, too warm look.

Not pretty.

Coats
I always want one of those long lovely coats like Kate Middleton wears. Flatteringly cut, tucking in at the waist before flaring out to cover the afore mentioned megaarse .
When I try this look I again likely go a size too small keeping up with previous delusions. So when the gorgeous coat is buttoned up it gapes between buttons, if they don’t fly off first that is and whack someone in the eye. Then it’s too tight round the tummy and I just look like a collection of lumps and bumps. So I opt for the mum coat. 3 sizes too big, oversized hood school run proof. Nowhere near as pretty as the Kate coat but at least I can breathe.

That’s probably why I’m not married to a prince!

So as much as I love winter clothes, I just get it wrong. I’ll keep trying though…. I quite fancy a poncho this year…

My Facebook page is here if you like my nonsense 

 

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3 thoughts on “How I stuff up the winter wardrobe

  1. Well I’m basically you! I can’t do hats, chunky massive woollen jumpers never slouch off my shoulder in the right way, and my body is too stocky for nice coats. However, I always buy an XL in tights so I can hoik them around my tits, classy. Thanks for linking to #Chucklemums!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Large is not about arse size my dear, it is about the length of your legs! I have REALLY LONG LEGS ok?? Also to fix the whole crotch things I find a pair of pants over the top keeps ’em up. And no I’m not five. Hmm. Thanks for linking up to #chucklemums!

    Like

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